Why does killing yourself have to be so hard? I mean methods. They’re so much work and I’m so tired anyway. Shouldn’t I have the right to die quickly and painlessly if I want to? Why does anyone else have the right to force me to stay alive? Why is every decision except this one considered sacred and inviolable? I’m allowed to do anything with my life besides end it. Why are DNRs only acceptable for some illnesses and not others?
Thought I would feel better if I punched that steel door a few times. And I did, for a bit. But now the redness is fading and I don’t even have any bruises to look at. What a waste. Apparently I don’t hit hard enough.
Started with a new psychiatrist recently. When I told her I couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself she immediately started me on anti-psychotics. I’ve never been on them before, and I have to say I do feel a little better. And I couldn’t get what I needed for my plan anyway, so the plan is on hold. For now. We’ll see how long this medicine works.
I’m thinking a week from Thursday, if I can get my hands on what I need. This time feels different. I’m not in the pits of despair. I’m just tired. Too tired to keep going. I want to sleep.
My biggest regret is that I didn’t kill myself the first time I thought about it. I was 12, and I looked forward. I saw exactly what I have become: a useless, anxiety-plagued lump. Right then I knew I should kill myself because there was nothing for me in the future. I was right. It’s been 20 years and not even a week can pass without me regretting my decision to live. It would have been so much easier, so much better when I was a child, before people expect you to be reasonable and thoughtful. I should have done it then, or I should […]