who_even_cares

no, im fucking not. wanna know why?

what im putting up right now is a facade. in reality, im a terrible person. and i wouldnt blame you, except you keep pushing it. acting like you know more about myself then i do. no, im not great. ive killed. maybe not directly, but my actions resulted in a death, which at the end of the day would be the same as taking a knife and stabbing her myself. same long term effect anyways. wiped off this earth. the one person who i felt understood me, the one person who i felt made life worth living. i took […]

my life feels like bashing my head into a brick wall repeatedly with doors on either side of me, and i won’t try them because im scared they’ll be worse than this

even throwing myself into everything i could and exercising and eating well and trying to think happy thoughts and caring about myself and trying to convince myself that others care for me and now im

back

in

this

fucking

pit

fuck this world and this therapists useless advice i dont have enough energy to climb back out

if someone handed me a gun right here i would probably do it

but god isn’t that kind

at least not to me

what do my teachers, my “friends”, my parents see when they look into my tired eyes, when their eyes land on my unfinished work, my dead potential

pity? spite? ignorance?

i dont really care anymore

i just want to get away from their judgemental eyes for once

just let me be free of their judgement

that awkward moment when you are so depressed by everything around you with seemingly no cause and it builds up inside you so much to the point where you have to either say something or commit suicide so you finally open up to one of your few friends and it initially goes well until they get sick of you talking and they slowly lose touch with you until you wake up one day and realise that you just basically commited social suicide and you might as well have slit your throat then and there because everyone around you doesn’t care enough about you to listen […]

my friend.

he says all is well, i feel only to spare me from it.

hes been such a good friend, listening to my dark mind.

i don’t want him to be alone with his worries(look where that has gotten me.)

but, if he doesn’t want to talk about it, who am i to push the subject?

of course, i could be wrong, and there could be nothing wrong, and i simply am being overprotective

but of course, if he’s feeling alone, he’ll want to push people away, like me.

…

what do you think?

insomnia as defined in the dictionary: habitual sleeplessness; inability to sleep.

the problem is, it’s so much more than that.

i just had another bad night where despite being sick my brain refused to sleep. well, i shouldn’t say that. at least a got a good try, but after waking up for no reason followed by two of the worst nightmares ive ever had, i subconsciously decided to stop sleeping, despite only getting around 3 hours. thank god im sick and i have an excuse to stay at home, but now i cant sleep it off because i cant calm myself down enough to sleep. i keep feeling […]

“it’s all going to be fine.”

“things will work out.”

remind me why the fuck i should believe you, when nothing has ever gotten better.

my mental problems have gotten worse.

my home situation has gotten worse.

my school situation has gotten worse.

i even got fired from my fucking job.

and i try to believe things will be ok. i try. and then the world takes that tiny hope, pounds it into the fucking dirt, and then expects me to keep trying, keep persevering, keep living.

i’m tired of that.

i’m tired.

so ive been taking a big break from writing because ive been trying to focus on schoolwork but after trying my damn hardest i got a 62 on a test i was incredibly confident i would do well on, therefore i have given it a good ol “fuck off” and am going to resume the one thing (i think) im good at doing, which is writing.

if anyone cares, here it is:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1w0NiiV_iwg9uPlm9ykx0Jflph6n3qhPdBuyAT7Wp1V0/edit?usp=sharing

gonna be doing this for the next few hours or so, so feedback would be appreciated

i learned a few things

1. my life is great

2. i should be happy

3. my mental illness is just me being lazy and taking everything too seriously

4. my mental illness is not an excuse to miss homework or deadlines

5. i hate my mother.

i deserve this

i deserve this

i deserve this

i deserve this

i DESERVE THIS

I DESERVE THIS

I DESERVE THIS

I DESERVE THIS

help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help

but its not because of the sky changing, but my perception of it changing.

that may be the saddest thing of all.

i just sort of need a reminder that i’m not alone in my suffering, so if people can tell me their stories or link me to some good depressing music that would be very kind of you please and thanks

i’ve met so many nice people here and i don’t deserve a single one of them so i would just like to say to every person:

thank you for taking the time to read people’s posts, listen to peoples stories, take off their burdens, because god knows thats really hard for some of us. and thank you for posting your stories because the best kind of suffering is done with like-minded people so thank you

you don’t know it, but you’re all amazing

except me of course, i’m a piece of shit

you’ve certainly come to the right place!(?) if you want a place to talk with the more active suicidal community and/or listen to music then head over to this wonderful link right here:

http://wavelength.fm/Rot%20Away%20with%20Dead%20Flowers

with dj dead flowers to either rock out or just enjoy some hella depressing/anger-inducing music. hope to see you there!

(de tails:)

I’ve noticed there are a few people who feel quite lonely here. And I’ve found a few who like music. So I have an idea. Why not create some sort of hang out where we can share and listen to music together. I’ve created a room on Wavelenght. Bring your favorite pair of […]

i had a dream a few days ago that i was in a car accident with my little sister.

it was very vivid to say the least.

i watched her die in my arms, coughing blood.

she is 6.

i hope this is just a dream.

i hope this isnt foreshadowing.

i hope this isnt a vision.

please whatever god is up there dont let it be a vision.

a friend i never knew i had.

maybe I can get through this.

but every time ive had hope before it’s been crushed or not realised so who knows.

im taking a moment to ponder who is the real me.

does depression and anxiety consuming me reveal or hide myself?

am i more “real” when im happy or “happy”?

perhaps both?

im not sure.

i hope i don’t break again tonight.