I’m only alive because
of the smell of blacktop on a humid day after
it rains; and rain itself—thunderstorms
lightning thrills like riding in the car with
my brother; loud music of the
“i don’t give a fuck” type
and running; holding breath dizzy
passing out on grass–wet grass; alcohol
burning my mouth–tingling and drugs;
the feeling of living that isn’t
real and sunrise; a new beginning fresh start
clean sheets; white pure and snow; dark quiet
night–talking, skater boys; in the park smoking
under the gazebo; stars bright—Orion
finding trees in the stars because
I am dead
on the inside;
the smell of cold—death; […]
Loud Music
I’ve had suicidal thoughts before, but I’ve always turned to my faith in God and he has brought me out of it. Just recently, a girl who I love so very much, more so than any relationship I have been in before, left me for another man. I have nothing, I would have done anything for her. I did my usual coping methods, drowning out my sorrow with loud music, getting rid of my anger with violent video games, and even turning to God again. Yet this time, when I turned to him, I didnt feel anything. I’ve never questioned my faith before, but now […]
Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up feeling okay, but then suddenly the sadness hit and I descended into the darkness again, thinking dangerous thoughts yet feeling dangerously numb and empty. I ended up lying in my bed for hours, too exhausted to move and too empty to cry, but too sad to sleep. Eventually, I got myself out of bed and tried to shake the sadness. I ended up in my kitchen, heating up a pizza. I couldn’t eat more than a few bites- it wasn’t exactly that I wasn’t hungry and I’m not dieting, it was just that I found the act […]