Taken from Robert Crumb’s Plunge Into The Depths Of Despair (1983)
And if anyone wants these comic strips in a PDF form:
A few days ago I lost my head again. It really gets more frequent. It always starts with the truth. The truth about who I am inside and out. It’s why I cry. Because I’ve worked so hard to try and fix myself. Then I realize I’m unfixable. I’m hard-corded. For the first time in quite awhile I want to know why my bio mother did not abort me instead of abandoning me. They really are quite the same. She doesn’t get to see me. And never will. If she saw the person I am and m becoming each year. She may realize the truth of the What IF. A question that always needs to be asked before doing something.
My head doesn’t hurt now. That’s what happens when I do lose my marbles. I slip and fall all over them. My brain feels tight and my body feels like it wants to juts expire. Then the next day it disappears. I’ve suffered in silence because no one will ever understand. Therapy, talking with my closest friends, medicine, exercise, chores, and hard yard work. The trully don’t help. Not in the long run. It’s constant patch up work for the leaks. That is until the pipe finally bursts like it did a few days ago. Accepting the mess that I am is a mistake. Especially since I’d be making the same mistakes no matter how hard I try to catch and correct myself.
I mentioned wanting to go back to cutting to help endure this mess. I may just have to but finding a spot my many doctors can’t see is going to be difficult. Using a sterile pencil sharpener blade on my left bicep may go undetected as long as they don’t decide to take my blood pressure. I don’t feel like S’plain’n.
I still peep around for a job. Degrees abound. Degree cert degree. All the low end parts are flooded. Thanks MI. I can dig a hole, but no I need a degree in horticulture for that. How sad. I’ll look into that some other time.
I fear school. I do. Bad memories, but not just the people, Myself. I could barely keep up with studies. I always slid by with the skin of my teeth a nano hair away from a deadly lazer. I shouldn’t have graduated high school. a 1.69 or something it was. I just didn’t comprehend stuff well. That could be because I hit myself in the head. Yea that’ll do it.
Coming here helps in a way. It’s where i can “speak” without being shunned. Without fearing. Even though I post here I really am still riding this deadly coaster alone. No one to hold me when I cry, no one to hug when I’m afraid. No one to hear me scream on the way down. No one to hear me laugh on the way up. I’m lonely on this ride whether many share it or not in terms of certain experiences. I am quite alone.
I wish it were easily to get used to being alone with resorting to my maladaptive daydreams. I do love them. But it doesn’t take long before I’m on the floor crying or silently rocking back and forth. Humming or singing to myself. Something. I do anything to break the silence that’s it’s just me.
If you have never touched the outer limits of questioning your existence then I am so thank. Because once you touch that void. You realize just how unreal everything is and just how alone and cold it is. If you do touch it and survive or even come out stronger. Then you’ve passed the test. It’s no fun wandering around at the pace of a snail because nothing matters. You see things others don’t see for sure and cherish them. But in terms of going anywhere in life. You don’t get far. Society does emphasize that need. True. But when you have an honest need to succeed in what you feel is important to you and are thwarted at many a turn, then you feel it. I do feel this. Sometimes I sound like a broken record saying the same phrases over and over. But for myself they are the blunt truth.
When I studied and practiced yoga I was introduced to a dangerous method of life. Living in the present moment. And for awhile I was working with this and learning and at peace until it hit me pretty hard. I don’t care for the future anymore. I don’t want one even though in a way I do. My existence questioning became more dangerous. MY eyes felt like they returned to the black they once were in high school. I felt unreal again. I don’t exist is what I discovered as answer to all the questions i’ve had in life. I do not exist. And since I do not exist I do not have a future. I do have present because i am in it and the past is in my memories. I feel like a character and yet I know that this is the 100% raw me. My folks and friends do not know that I’ve come to this realization over the last year as a final answer. My friends prefer to change the subject because they don’t understand. My parents think I need more medication again because of my sensitiveness. They think it’s unnatural how I feel. They haven’t been through what I’ve been through. And if they have well it helps to say so. Because I feel like an outsider in 2 ways to them.
That’s because I am. And coming back in is just as cold. My words never make sense anymore. I just ramble and ramble. But once I’m done here. I just put my “game face” on. The ADHD life of the party to my closest friends, and the Bright and intelligent lazy girl to my folks.
al fin hay nada. No hay dolor ni olor. Solo Paz. La Paz que Estoy buscando. Mis padres se puede vete al infierno con todo el mundo que me odia. chingase. Chinga toda. Mi vida es mierda y no va a mejorar. Solo vuelva peor y Estoy enferma de esa. Qiero morir. Ya querido por aÃ±os pero no tengo la valedida a matarme. No puedo vivir pero no puedo morir. Mierda.
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