Where to begin?

I’m warning you now, this might as well be a novel. It’s literally 25 years of pain and suffering since the day I was born. I don’t even think anyone would want to take the time out of their day to even read every horror story I can give. Worse… I hate feeling like people don’t believe me, that I’m just looking for attention… They think that after everything it’s all too much, “how could everything possibly bad happen to this person, she must be lying!”

I hate this world, and it’s judgements, and it’s false hopes, and all of it’s preachings that no one follows. If there was any attention that I wanted to get, it would be to ***** slap this crappy world into realizing what it does to the morally good people. No one deserves to be treated like this.

I was born into a family who didn’t even want me. My mother had her tubes tied years prior to my conception, and I was also prematurely born… that ***** of a mother even signed away my right for intensive care, brought me home and hoped I just died over night. My father had no idea what a ***** my mother is, it doesn’t help she’s bi-polar as well as all females on that side of the family… 80% heiritary, and I already have emotional Impairment, which just boosted that to 90%. My family is only the beginning of my pain. A mother that would constantly physically, emotionally and mentally abused me the first eight years of my life. She had to hold back because of all the police reports I had on her up until that point… They didn’t listen of coarse, even with all the obvious markings, but it was still a hassle on her part to deal with all the fighting back. She still continued the emotional and mental until I moved out, but more on that later.

When I was younger, I used to be one of the most popular children at the school. Only because I fought for those that didn’t deserve to feel any of the pain I felt. Everyone wanted me to protect them, and because of that, it created a force, a community of children that would protect each other. At least that’s how I saw it. One of my own teachers was racist, which I thought was wrong, too. I’m white btw, she was (don’t know if she’s still alive, cause I’ve moved since then,) black. Racism caused a lot of issues at my school, it was only approx. 10% white. Another teacher that saw potential in me, was trying to get me to skip a grade. I already started school a year earlier, and she put me on a path that would of let me graduate 2 years in advance. Math was my thing, was because I don’t care for it, I’m just good at it.  The last year I was at that school, I had a traumatic experience, that pushed the stages of my Emotional Impairment into play. Giving you guys a paragraph break here.

I was walking home from school with a friend, when three other girls came along and started to harass us, mostly my friend, again, racism was an issue, she was black, the other kids were taught by my teacher that children should mix colors, so they targeted my friend more. Two held me back, and the other was pushing my friend. She kept pushing her and pushing her, until she lost balance and landed in the street facing up… the car came around the corner, and no warning…. face first……. I don’t even want to mention the gruesome details. The asshole drove off, and the three kids ran. The police came, and didn’t listen to a word I had to say. They just said it was a hit and run, but that girl caused it… that little ***** caused it, and should have been punished for what she did! The next school day, I could see that ***** of a child was harassing another kid, like nothing ever happened. She never felt remorse for what she did. I was so angry, how could anyone allow someone to get away with that? Why, she wasn’t innocent what so ever, so why? I beaten the shit out of that *****, but only to an extent. I turned around to see the one kid that was being picked on, was on the ground frightened. I went to help them up, and then that ***** made a wrong move. She decided to attack me from behind, I went to flip her off my back, but, I did it wrong, and nearly snapped her neck, or maybe I did, I don’t know, and nor was I allowed to know what happened to her, I not only had been expelled from that school, by the very racist teacher who blamed me for the whole entire ordeal, but I had a trial against me on it. Luckily, I was too young to be charged anything, and it was found in self-defense, so the entire ordeal was taken off my record, but I could never go back to that school.

Around the summer of this time, in searching for a new home, school district, my mother increased her abuse on me, since no one could see it for a long period of time. I remember a night where she forced me to sleep in my own vomit, another night she beat me nearly half to death over something my brother was doing in another room. She rewards him when she found out it was him making all the noise, but just told me that I was a “worthless *****” and I should be asleep already. My back was already bloody, and I was in so much pain, I didn’t want to be here anymore. What I definitely knew, I didn’t want to be near her ever again. With what energy I had left, I ran away from home, went as far as my knowledge could take me, somewhere I could end it all. Somewhere no one could find me. sadly… just my luck, a homeless guy finds me, and had me taken to a hospital… they wondered where all the bruises and cuts came from on my back, I couldn’t possibly do it myself, couldn’t even reach that far. I told them who did it. My mother… but, they didn’t listen to me… no authority ever listened to me. they just sent me back home to that …. existence of a demon. Believe me, I have plenty of words/adjectives for her, but I’ll be somewhat civil and not taint your eyes with them.

The new school I went to, screwed up so much for me. I had to be held back a year due to my age, was one of them, the entire district sucked when it came to education, hell my senior year, my counselor denied me my right to scholarships. Anyway, this was about the time, I refused to speak, in my mind, if no one listened anyway, why bother? They proclaimed that I didn’t know how to pronounce things right, but I spoke clearer than most people. Idiots. You ask a child a question, don’t you think they would give you the answer to what you’re looking for?! No, you just ignore them, and tell them how stupid and inept they are. That they don’t know what it means to not be heard, or are in pain. My parents didn’t raise me, Society made me this way, so thank this world for the new ***** I’ve become, btw.

Fast forward some, High school sets in, I was diagnosed with Emotional Impairment, but here’s the kicker, they thought it was the students that were causing it…. oh… no, the kids were horrifically cruel, I give them that, but I rather dealt with being at the school than at home, hence why I was there 14-16 hours a day. I didn’t even have to do anything there, it was just better, calmer than home. My parents were already fighting more and more at this point, I had been waiting for their divorce since I was 7, I’d go with my dad, at least he let me be myself. It’s not that he didn’t care, he just didn’t understand girls, he taught all the boys in the family everything, even to this day, he’s shocked how well I turned out, compared to all the idiots in my family. Literally told me, “you never ceased to amaze me, I just don’t know how you do it.” (mind you, my family is huge, I don’t even know everyone’s names. Aunt of 30+, cousin of at least 40, youngest of 9 siblings. it’s chaotic, and just about every family reunion, I guarantee that the police were called, it’s a pretty nasty family).

During being diagnosed, I was told at the age of 13, I practically had the IQ of a 26 year old, and that they didn’t have classes suitable to my level, so the last 3 years of high school, were 90% electives, instead of everything that everyone else HAD to take. I also want to mention, the only way I gotten their attention was failing the one class they gave me three years in a row, and already passed twice with 120+% MATH. It’s like they don’t really give a shit what they teach children these days. All my electives that I asked for, of coarse, I had higher than 100% in. business, art, mythology, Japanese, Spanish, wood shop, print tech. anything and everything that remotely interested me at the time, I surpassed, faster than my own brother in those same classes. It pissed him off really quick.

My brother… oh boy, where to begin on that… he beaten me up every chance he was allowed to, that’s right, my mother gave him permission to beat the shit out of me. He would be so angry at me, he’s 6 years older than me, and considered the genius of the family… he gotten everything he ever wanted. car, computer, whatever he wants, he gets, even the money he’s owed for the past 20 or so years. not from me though, oh no, when I didn’t get the first $10 I loan him, I never lent him money again, and I was seven years old, and I learned fast not to trust anyone, once your trust has been broken, you don’t get it back, period. I solved the rubrics cube three times one year, his cube btw, and he gotten pissed because he couldn’t figure it out, threw it at the wall and pretty much said, “if I can’t do it, no one will.” He has a short temper, I fear for his children today, all three of them. Nothing I can do about it though. Even all his GF’s in the past, he always had a thing for the heavy set girls, and if they weren’t, he fatten them up, even if they were on diets, it’s like he wanted to control someone, if at least something in his life. Worse, he’s turning into mother… that greedy *****.. again, I’ll get to that in a few.

The other thing that happened during my time in high school. 2002, summer, actually, I was babysitting my niece and nephew, during the summer time, sometimes one of them would be at their friend’s houses, my job was just to make sure the house didn’t burn down more than anything.  I cooked their meals, and cleaned the house and you know, just occupied time. $60/wk, not that bad for someone at 16. One day though… my niece was at her friends, and it was just my nephew there… long story short, that bastard of a child raped me, anally. For the longest time I didn’t tell anyone, I finally caved in, and told my mother a few years ago. it was already too late to do anything about it, but still, it bugged the shit out of me every time I saw sex on t.v. I couldn’t stand it. Never even dated until I was 21, out of my own choice, to me, dating in school, too much drama, not worth it, have better things to do with my time, like getting the hell away from my family. The weird thing was, when I told my mother was the first time I heard, it wasn’t the only time he did/tried something like that…. apparently his mother was another possible victim to that sick twisted shit head. No one believed my sister because she tends to be the chronic compulsive liar in the family, who also starts a lot of fights in the family. But my family knows one thing about me that most can’t comprehend, that’s my inability to lie…. that’s right, I’m so horrible at it, I don’t bother to try lying. Sucks working for a company who wants you to lie to their customers.. nope, can’t do it. Anyway, my mother also has a huge mouth on her, so just about everyone in my family, one by one heard what happened. I knew if my dad found out, well, either he’d kill the bastard, or… he’d have his 3rd or possible 4th heart attack. (we’re not sure if one of the incidences was in deed a heart attack or not.) I already had been a outcast in my family, why would I tell them anything else for them to disown me? I was just sick of all the fighting all the god damn time.

Years progressed, I’ve survived five semi-trucks, three vans, two trucks, a car, all while walking, three tornadoes, (and I do mean being fling about in the air), 20+ rapes by 6 different assholes, (this includes my nephew, an officer of my city at the time, an ex friend, he becoming on at that point, and three of my ex boyfriends,) I’ve had guns pointed to my head, knives at my throat, hell even a machete, that was to protect a different friend though, in fact, my best friend to this day for the past 10 years.  Also I survived two more suicide attempts… omg, I can’t believe with all the physical issues my body has, and how horrible my immune system is, it decides the one day I wanted to end it all, that it’ll fight off all the damn pills I took, didn’t help that I was so underweight anyway, that I couldn’t get anything pumped out of my system, no, I had to suffer a whole fucking week of vomiting and all sorts of side affects because of that in a hospital where I couldn’t eat anything….. Plus they couldn’t give me much because I have so many stupid ass allergies. It pisses me off that my own life works against me. Basically, I can’t die if I tried, and if I did tried, I’d just suffer for it…. what’s the point in trying period…living or dying.

My parents finally gotten a divorce because my dad finally found out the ***** my mother is, and a greedy one at that. By greedy, I mean, she would have over 3 million dollars to her name, and still said she was broke, and demanded more money for her shopping addiction. That ***** was costing me $600/mo. to live with her once I turned 18, up until a few years ago when I finally left, which I’ll explain in one more paragraph. I only had a job that barely paid me if I was lucky $100/mo. and already $50 of that went to my phone bill, and the other $50, paid for my own supply of food, laundry needs, and other…. necessities, literally, anything I wanted to use, I had to pay for myself, and I had to pay that ***** $600 for rent….. doesn’t that sound like bull shit to you? How would you feel if you’re own mother was ripping you off you’re entire life. That *****’s lucky I never threatened her life, I should have, BUT I didn’t. Instead, one day, I had the “audacity”  to stand up to her. and here comes me leaving that ***** behind.

So I went up to her, and asked, what specifically was my money paying towards, she insisted on bullshit that didn’t add up, especially since I already paid for those things for myself. Then I brought to her attention that she didn’t even pay for shit for the house, hell, anytime she complained that no one bought toilet paper, she would get money, go out shopping, and come back with new purses, and shoes…… where’s that toilet paper we so disparately need? She doesn’t pay electric, or heating, or gas, or water, or even the mortgage, my dad pays for all that, and she certainly never paid my dad a god damn dime. I found this out by finally talking to my dad for once in what… 16 years?  That’s right, we lived under the same roof, but we never talked as a family, or at all for that matter. But when I did confront my dad about the rent issue I was having, believe me, he was pissed, and he said he would protect me against her…. but here’s the thing, he didn’t do that either, I did it myself, I left the house, so that she couldn’t keep asking me for money all day, phone off, she would have no idea where I would have been. When I had return that night, she tried to separate me from my dad. I told her no… I also told her, she caused my emotional impairment, and also that she isn’t going to win against me, period, more or less was said. I pointed out every flaw she had, and how much more successful I was than she could ever be in her life, I’ve been to Japan, even if she was against it. I’ve got multiple talents in art, music, languages, math, imagination, intelligence, and so many more things that she could never accomplish, and she doesn’t have the right to destroy everyone’s life, just because she destroyed her own. Basically, she was put in her place, she couldn’t even argue with me. My dad couldn’t even get one movement or word in. after all was said and done, his response to me was, “I’ve known you’re mother for 40+ years… and you’re the only one that won against her.” in case you’re curious, my parents are in their 60’s today.

To this day, I fight life, and death, society and family. I fight everything I can, just to be sane, and good. I fight for those who can’t fight for themselves, or for those that deserve to have a fight for their cause. I have disabilities that don’t allow me to work, or take on more stress, period. And even though I’ve been told, yes I’m disabled, I’m always told I’m not disabled enough to get help. I fought several years for foodstamps because I couldn’t even afford feeding myself with only 4hrs of minimum wage per month. I can’t drive if I want to, so I have no reliable transportation. because of this, it hinders  my ability to go to school, I’m still fighting to go, but I’ve had to fail my classes this semester, otherwise I’d pay for dropping fees I can’t afford. SSI and SSD won’t help me, my own attorney who found a doctor that determined that I should be on SSI or SSD, told me that I was a lost cause either way. No matter how hard I fight, I keep losing all these battles. The only things that I’ve done successfully were going to Japan in 2003, getting back into college after 6 years of hard work, having a 4.0 that going to drop down because of this semester, and getting the fuck away from my ***** of a mother. I can’t trust anyone, not doctors, they just sent me back, can’t trust work, they don’t help with shit, can’t trust schools, they just want money, can’t trust police, one raped me, and none of them ever listened to me, can’t trust lawyers, for obvious reasons… and it’s getting to the point, I can’t even trust myself anymore….

This is what is bringing me to these thoughts today… a few days ago, my current BF, who’ve I’ve been with for almost 8 months now, has been asking for a break for the past month, because he can’t get his own shit together, he’s under so much stress, and pressure, he doesn’t know what to cut off. I didn’t understand why he would take away the one thing that was a stress reliever for him. Didn’t make any sense. He kept bringing it up, bringing it up… seriously, I’m more of a man than he is, and I have breasts and ovaries! He thinks that his measly debts and stress could even compare to the shit I’ve gone through, he knows the stuff I’ve gone through, I can’t lie remember? he knows about my suicide attempts, he fears it, but he knows that it doesn’t normally get brought up unless something provokes them, sends me over the edge if you will. I fight them off all the time, some times are worse than others, sometimes I can mask their thoughts with something else so I don’t have to think about it for at least five seconds, oh the relief of that five seconds. I have more debts than he does, but I don’t let them bother me, because, what can the government possibly take away? I don’t have anything else left. I don’t have a bank account, lost my job over a year ago, can’t get to school, what do I have left? They can have my sanity but it would probably make them insane. anyway, I gave him the break he wanted…. he misunderstood it for me being angry, which is an issue with Emotional Impairment, it’s very close to bi-polar, and emotions are hard to read.  So he told me to go back to living with my mother….. he knows that practically guarantees death, mine or hers… oh no one would know, but it would. That set me off….. oh boy, that set me off…. it set me off so much, I had images of not only harming myself, hell, I actually wanted to throw my best friend that was sitting next to me into the fireplace, I wanted to hurl the laptop at my BF’s face and not give a shit what broke. I wanted to shove his mother down the stairs, his cousin head into the tv while on, and even his best friend, I wanted to chop into tiny pieces and feed them to my BF….. He had jsut pushed a button that should of never been pushed…. I had to get out and fast, I didn’t want to do these things, but to find that for the first time in my life, I actually even wanted to physically harm my best friend, who I’ve never wanted to harm at all, (love him like a brother that I could never have.), that…. that told me, I was losing all control of my own thoughts and actions. I ran up the stairs into the bathroom. I pulled out every fucking pill I owned, and laid them across the counter before me, before I could even think clearly… and then I stopped, I stared at them, remembering the pain I had before, I pulled out the razors I had….. again, I stopped, realizing, what’s the point… nothing works, so what the fuck do I do now? Soooo tempting to just end it all right then and there, still, those horrifying images racing through my head. twenty mins, I stood there, trying to fight everything off, all the pain, all the anger, all the sadness, everything… and I couldn’t do it for much longer, I shoved everything back into it’s drawer, I sat down, couldn’t look away from them, finding it harder and harder to fight off…. Finally, I called for my friend to come upstairs to talk to me, and I told him everything I was feeling, even what I was tempted to do to him, now… my friend, also has ideas of doing horrible things to even the people he loves, even his own mother that he actually gets along with… so he knows what it feels like to not have control over those. The thing is, you don’t want to make the emotionally impaired to snap, once they do… they don’t come back to reality. NEVER, there isn’t even medication for this shit, and I can’t get the consoling i need, because I once again, don’t have any money. Hell, i don’t even want money. I live off of maybe $20/mo. and I’m fine with that, as long as no one bothers me.

I need people around to keep me sane, but I’m so anti-social, people always get the wrong impression of me, except my BF, he didn’t even see that I had issues until I told him… that was when he was trying to ask me out, and I was like, “dude, you don’t want me, believe me, I’m too much to handle, I’m older than you, I know more things than you, you don’t want someone to constantly tell you what’s right or wrong, you don’t want someone that has as many issues as me.” He still insisted, he insisted on us living together, I insisted that we didn’t I know the pattern, I live with the BF, it ends HORRIBLY… and I would know… 13 ex boyfriends in a 3 year span, I KNOW!  yeah, he’s 24 now, and not that much younger than me, and he’s an owner to a indy wrestling business, and he makes some money, but I don’t give a shit about that. I wanted someone that could understand me, and accept me as I am, and for him to just blow me off like that…. bad… BAD idea. I warned him from the very beginning, and he never listened to me. NEVER. No one ever listens to what’s shoved in their face. I mean… what the hell, we’re raised by society to believe that if you don’t speak up, it’s your own fault that you’re in the position you are, but when you do, you’re an attention whore… why kind of fucked up double edge sword is that?! Why is it that the world makes sure that you can succeed at anything, no matter how brilliant you are, no matter how strong you are, no matter how much you fight, no matter how much logic, or common sense you have, you can’t win. Did you know that the FIA offices out here “can help you pay for your first home”, but “ONLY” if you “show proof that you were evicted from your previously owned home…” WHAT THE FUCK!? why say they can help with your first place, if it’s not your first place?!?!!??! Fine print in everything last detail of life, you can’t win! Just… GAH!@!!!!