When I tried to kill myself, I took pills. I took 60 some Tylenol. I ended up in the psych ward of St. Luke’s Hospital, feeling like such and idiot. I consider killing myself almost daily. I try to tell myself that I don’t want to die, but more often than not I do. Your family loves you, I know mine does but my mind won’t stop pushing me. I am getting to a stage where I have to sink or swim to be considered a man. I am failing and do not want to disappoint my dad.

Alexander R. K.

I am 39, almost 40. Married for 9 years to a wonderful man who was not my soulmate and we tore each other apart eventually.. verbally, emotionally. Grew up longing for nothing more than the perfect family, had it and threw it away. Let my daughter choose where to live and since I didn’t have a better more stable place (I jumped into an emotionally damaging and financially straining relationship before my marriage was even over), she now lives with her daddy. My own immediate family will always think of me as the black sheep; they are very conservative and religious; and they actually value my ex husb’s friendship more than mine. I am not close and warm with any of my four closest relatives. I feel judged and upset that they never tried that hard to be close to me in the first place, and now invite my ex to come see them with my daughter. And my mom comes over and talks to him for hours; loves him like her sons. Meanwhile, my horribly draining relationship of 2 years ended with me tired of fighting & dumping my bf and asking him to move out–he then harassed me and followed me to work and I had to contact the police.. he came very close to being arrested from his workplace. then he comes to me for help with emotional problems and I am kind enough to do everything I can for him.. He starts seeing another woman and still comes over and treats me like a booty call on the weekends and now he practically lives with her and owes me $280 plus. He keeps saying he will pay me back. I don’t even care. I need to forget he ever existed. I have very few close friends.. hardly no girlfriends.. and I have tried dating to get my mind off of this. My latest attempt now treats me like a booty call. I feel sad and worthless and alone. And I don’t see it ever getting better. My job is very politically demeaning if that makes sense.. office drama is at an all-time high and it has been my hardest year ever there as well. I am tired and sick on the weekends and there is little to no relief or outlet for my stress and grief. By becoming involved with other men I am only making myself worse–yet I long for the love I can never achieve. I want and need it so badly. It’s all I ever wanted–to feel accepted and loved. I have never been on the fringe of society–I am a basically honest generous giving person and I have lost my very best two girlfriends and I feel like I am permanently emotionally damaged. Depression has been nearly a life-long struggle and Prozac just isn’t helping enough. Sometimes I truly feel there is no hope and I can only see my future becoming bleaker.. What if I lose my job (the only job in this area that pays decent for my qualifications?), what if I never find love and have to watch my ex find the love of his life? When my daughter grows up in 7 years.. will he even talk to me? He’s the only man that has ever cared about me enough to help me through anything and I totally blew it being ungrateful and selfish and needy. I looked to him for all my happiness and it put a horrible strain on him. I know deep down I am a worthy,d eserving person and I shouldn’t look to others for validation… but the lack thereof depresses the hell out of me just the same. One day I have four men text me and tell me I’m hot and want to go out with me. A week later I am high and dry and feeling inexplicably lonely and desperate and worthless. I know just enough psychology and have just enough self-esteem to know & common sense to know how bad of shape I am really in.. I do not know how to fix these things.. I feel very ill-equipped emotionally and am torn somewhere in between wanting to be angry and stand up for myself as a person and begging everyone around me for mercy and realizing I am blessed as it is and I do not deserve even what I do have in life. I have a wonderful daugther who needs me.. am I even capable of being a good mother to her? I feel like no one in the world would truly miss me if I was gone with the exception of her.. and what if she is just too young to know better?

I’ve recently been discharged from the military, i had a good job that i loved, i got paid a good amount and plus people, (generally) respected my sacrifices for the country and line of work. Until recently, i have been charged with sexual misconduct with a minor. Now before you start judging. The girl was 17, three weeks from her 18th birthday, and she came over to my place and it was all consensual. We had a couple drinks, and fooled around. Now I know what happened was wrong, and what I did (being the adult) was against the law. I’ve never been in trouble before, never even really broke the law before, with the exception of a speeding ticket here or there. And I am now facing some serious punishment, I got discharged from the military, lost the GI bill, all my VA benefits, everything I’ve worked for in the past ten years gone, two tours in Iraq for nothing. I got evicted from my place, had to sell most of my possessions and it’s still not over. Since I’m not working I’m currently looking, and even though I’m not convicted yet, I’m shunned by all employers. No one wants to hire a sex offender. The news has slandered my name, the entire military has as well, and now the only people I have in my life look at me as if I’m diseased. The night in question happened a while ago, it was just once and since then I’ve met someone who I have really fell for, and now that person no longer wants to be with me, (can’t blame her). Considering how much I’ve already lost, and there isn’t a conviction yet, I’m still facing more. The rest of my life is going to be tainted by this one night. I’m going to have to register as a sex offender for the rest of my life, which means I can’t live in certain places, can’t have certain jobs, and can’t even go to the movies, (places where teenagers hang out). Plus I’ll be a felon, which means no more voting in the country that I defended at war (twice). And no more hunting, no longer can have a passport so I can’t even leave the country. My whole life is over, and not over like “oh poor baby go get a job flipping burgers and it’ll be okay” no over like I might as well not even live anymore, I can’t do anything anymore. I had dreams that I can never obtain because of the titles that will be thrusted upon me. and if I end up in prison, I’m going to be “owned”. I’m looking seriously into killing myself, I think the community will be better off, the Military will be, and the entire country will be. Also what kind of life am I looking forward to if I stay alive? Not much of one by my guess. I’ve done some research on the subject and am looking for the fastest easiest most promising way to kill myself. Any suggestions?

Ill make it short and to the point. I’ve had AIDs for 20 years. Most that time i have been fine, but the last 5 years have caught up with me. My husband of 15 years died of cancer with aids complications. My health has improved since starting the fowl, shitty feeling drugs they give you to prolong your life.  I have been so darned alone since my husband died. Ive tried dating, but i have to date someone that is also sick, and most those people i know, are worse off than i am, and have no hope for the future. I started seeing someone recently, whom i had a nice relationship with, if somewhat younger than myself. But, in the end, no one wants to be with you, if you have aids. But, in the end, it was, understandably, to scary a thing for him to want to deal with. I understand. I understood long ago my chances for a meaningful relationship were slim to none. But i have worked so long and hard, to be acceptable, and loving, yet, it always comes down to being completly alone. And when i am alone, i realize just how tired i am. Im thinking its just not worth it. I feel like poop everyday from my meds – sure – im alive, but i can’t work and play in the world like others.  So more than anything,…. i need loved, and that ain’t gonna happen. I really want to know how to leave, in hopefully as fast and painless as possible. Don’t reccomend religion or 12 step, i am far past talking it away. Im tired, and tired of my life.

I am fourteen right now, my birthday was pretty recently. I have been cutting myself for some time now. I do not know the exact date or year. I sometimes feel as if I am a sick person. I do not think I cut myself out of depression, it’s more of a way to relax and calm down. I talk to my friend, whom I am really close with, she assumes I have a blood fetish. I am sick. I cut myself. I drink my own blood. I do not think that I would kill myself because I do not have that kind of courage. If that is the right word. That’s all I guess. I just feel like maybe if I post something on here, maybe I will feel better. Maybe just talking about it to someone who will probably forget this, will work. Maybe it will fix my sick mind. Somehow.

‘I sat down on a stone,
and crossed my legs
and set my elbows on them;
I rested my chin and cheek in my hand.
Then I pondered very earnestly
how one ought to live one’s life on earth.
I could not find the solution’.
        – Walther von der Vogelweide.

Since the Medieval period, it was believed that to be melancholy, you had an illness. I find it remarkable that in the 800-or-so years since the theory of the four humours first developed, we haven’t much changed our perception of melancholia. To be melancholic or ‘depressed’ means that you have an illness. Commonly, this is treated by anti-depressants- a medication; thus highlighting how little our viewpoint has changed (although, admittedly we don’t get leeches sucking out the excess blood from our genitals anymore. Well, mostly anyway…).

But I have been thinking that perhaps it isn’t an illness at all; of course, depression comes in conjunction with other illnesses, but as a whole it is simply a state of mind. To say that to be depressed is to be ‘ill’ as it is ‘not normal’ is trying to define what ‘normal’ is. And what exactly is ‘normal’ anyway? By contrast to melancholy, ‘normal’ is people skipping round with beaming joy on their faces, safe in the knowledge that it will never matter if it is raining- happiness is all-pervasive. All-freaking-pervasive. And that’s ‘normal’? If anything, I would argue that this state of mind warrants more medication than melancholia, but that is just my opinion. I am sure those of you reading this will have many more.

And so in this short post, which is unlike my others, I would just like to conclude that the way you are feeling might be suppressed by medication, but it can never change the way that you truly feel. My anti-psychotics might reduce my behaivour for the period that I am on them, but what comes after? If I am going to completely alter my state of mind- my depression- I am changing who I am, naturally. I have decided that this is something that I do not want to do, for medicated happiness as opposed to unmedicated saddness, is still not preferable. At least I will still have control over my actions.

And this leads me to my final point… suicide. If you truly want to take your own life, I believe that no-one should stop you. I believe that it should be a long and considered process, but that in the end, it is your choice because your mind is as normal as anyone else’s- it just reaches different conclusions. Suicide is the most tragic of all actions- to engage with it means that you must be so terribly down, and although I have scheduled my death, I have no intention of dying right now and so cannot really claim to understand wholly people who are on the verge of committing suicide right now. But this does not mean I am going to try and stop them- honestly, everyone, it is ultimately your decision. If you feel that you will be happier in death than in life, then no-one should prevent you from attaining this happiness. Just make sure you think about it first- but you do not have an illness, what you have is realisation of how truly awful the world is and how any happiness in it is quickly overwhelmed by the rest.

Anna x

Two months ago, I got a refund check for my student loans. I said that as soon as the money was gone, I would be too. I’ve drank over a thousand dollars worth of alcohol, and it wasn’t the expensive stuff.

I’m down to my last fifteen dollars. I’m on my way to the store now to buy the stuff to kill myself with.

I’ve said that I’m going to do it before on here, but my racing heart, the logic telling me that dying is right, the gutter I purposely through my life into all says that it’s time.

For two months, I’ve slept with countless guys I met offline. We never used condoms, and one guy I know had an STD. But I stopped caring what happened to my body because I knew I wasn’t going to need it. I chugged alcohol hoping for alcohol poisoning. I’ve mixed alcohol and pain pills. I stopped going to class or even caring. I’ve done everything to screw my life up just for motivation for tonight.

If my family or friends read this, then know I’m very sorry. But nobody can say that I didn’t try to fight for my life. I died in January when I gave up. I couldn’t fight it anymore. I’m so, so sorry. Please don’t ever hate me.

I’m on various antidepressants. And these pills take away my humanity.

On one hand, this is great. No more sadness, no more anger, no more self-loathing and no more suicidal thoughts.

On the other hand, no more happiness. No more joy. No more excitement or pride or energy or passion. I simply don’t care about anything anymore.

I want to make movies when I grow up (I use the phrase “grow up” lightly, since I’m already 20), but now I simply can’t find the drive to push my dreams further. I’m sitting on my ass, my mind completely empty, watching my life fly by at the speed of light, and not caring.

I know this isn’t literal “suicide”, but it’s a form of self-destruction. You can’t call this living.

My email is variousartists_ftw@yahoo.com and I would appreciate it if someone could email me with some…advice, I guess?

Thanks.

My previous post can be found here: http://suicideproject.org/2010/03/i-have-scheduled-my-death/

I am currently in the process of creating a seminar presentation with another girl for one of my modules at University, and I am writing this post for two reasons. Firstly, because it might interest you and secondly, today this girl sent me an email message containing the words, ‘Thank God you’re so organised’.

Thus, today I am not going to talk specifically about suicide but about just what it means to be so organised and how this matters on a day-to-day basis. This post is entitled ‘Stuff’ because the main body of my post comes from a project my psychiatrist gave me to do. She essentially told me to create a ‘feeling’s diary’ (sigh), although for what purpose I have yet to discover. We named it ‘Stuff’ so as to distinguish it from my usual day routine. Upon her giving me Stuff to do, I requested that she give me specific instructions as it is difficult for me to operate without them. And so she gave me one sheet of A4 paper and told me to continue writing for the week, or to stop when the paper runs out: whichever came sooner.  I in turn told her that my writing might be ridiculously tiny (hence why there is so much text below which covered only two sides of A4) but that despite this, I might only reach Wednesday if I have a lot to write. In actual fact, I ran out of paper today- another reason for my post- so I feel I’ve done quite well there… but I digress. She told me it was fine, and so I have taken her word on that.

Other instructions included not being allowed to write times as headings and also to write whenever feelings ‘change’ (although this wasn’t dogmatic). I initially had doubts about it- fears, even because it would be hard to push into my day-schedule and the text you see below is the result of this little Stuff experiment. You’ll notice that as it goes on, the sentences become shorter and it becomes much more ‘stream-of-consciousness’ which is, I suppose, what she was after. I do wonder how many others of you have been asked to do this, and whether or not it provided you with any answers.

But yes, anyway: to ‘Stuff’. I have written it exactly as it appears on my sheet of A4 paper, right down to the mistakes and punctuation.

Monday 08/03/2010

- I woke up this morning incredibly tired and aware of having a day to complete before another day comes. I haven’t started the day-list yet and already I feel tired from the monotony. I would very much like to be somewhere else.

- Am completing tasks off the list, but do not particularly want to leave the house. Still very tired.

- At University: do not feel as unhappy- am distracted from thoughts generally. But still tired: hard to concentrate.

- Oh! And I’ve just had a hypo in the middle of my seminar. Brilliant. At least I get to go and buy some Starburst…

- I am very far ahead of everyone else in my computer class- tiredness really hits (although probably on account of the hypo) and I have reached saturation point. Why am I even bothering to put effort into this work? No-one else does.

- Feeling trepidation about the evening because I know it will be long. Therefore, is no room for emotion at the moment.

- Writing tomorrow’s list- it’s ridiculously long. I shall likely have to ‘drag in’ tonight (such a useful term) but am aware I will consequently be awake for hours. Feel particularly distressed and unhappy, but I have an assignment to continue which I shall do now, despite my body shaking and head feeling dulled.

- Probably unrelated, but frustration at how long my assignment is. I’ve ran out of words and still have a section to do tomorrow!

- Have removed words. Feel slightly more relaxed. I will do more of the assignment, as scheduled, tomorrow.

- Now feeling need to ‘drag in’. It’s currently 01:00 (technically Tuesday morning, but I am still on today’s list so I shall class it as Monday). I am aware that I have to be up in 5 and a half hours time and should hurry up.

- Glad today’s assignment section is done.

- Today’s list hasn’t ended yet- and I know it will take another 2 or-so hours for me to do- and then I need to drag-in tomorrow because tomorrow is huge. Why am I even doing this? I want to go to sleep, but it is looking unlikely- so pointless and frustrating.

- I feel sad. Still doing my list- 03:11 Tuesday morning. Am up in 3 and a bit hour’s time.

- Cut self. Can’t really explain why- I just don’t feel ‘complete’ without it.

- Today’s list ends, tomorrow’s list begins. 03:47 am.

Tuesday 09/03/2010

- Ironing at 4 in the morning. Pretty sure I’ve gone mad.

- Feeling thoroughly distressed. Constant writing and re-writing of lists. Have not yet slept. Wish someone would tell me to stop.

- It is now 06:44 and I should have stopped the list and re-made the new one 14 minutes ago, but I have only just finished it and it is still just as long. I am questioning my motives for staying awake for all this time, but only in an abstract way. I am finding it difficult to concentrate. I need to go and have some breakfast now.

- Just got home from University. So, so tired. Can’t stop crying. I really want to go to Adam*’s house right now but I still have a list of stuff to do- and stuff that takes time. Dragging in last night for all of those hours has given me no respite today. I can’t do this for much longer. I really can’t stop crying and it’s pathetic.

- I am at Adam’s in the evening. Cannot feel ‘straight’ until I have a shower.

- Do feel more relaxed but feel desperate not to make him worry. Cannot help talk about suicide, however. Feel sad because he doesn’t know what to say to me anymore.

- Go to sleep after 40 hours of being awake.

Wednesday 10/03/2010

- Virtually sleep all day as Adam is at work. When I wake up, I cannot stand the thought of going back to Derby** because I have my list to complete.

- Have just finished my assignment that I have been planning, or otherwise writing for the last two weeks. I’m not sure if I am supposed to feel proud or happy or anything like that- really, I have little time to feel any relief or celebrate by having… oh, I don’t know, cake or… something because I still have items on my list and I shall likely be trying to complete tomorrow’s tasks this evening also. Hence, having to stop writing now.

- Have just finished today’s list; about to start tomorrow’s. I do not feel too bad at the moment.

- I took two Quetiapine tablets about an hour ago and am currently a few items into tomorrow’s list- I feel SO tired but do not necessarily want to go to sleep as I still have a list to complete and re-write. Instead, all I can think is that I wish I was happy.

- Tired- whenever I move my eyes, I get instantaneous flashes of white light in them.

- Worried about effect Q. might have on my thought process.

- Can’t sleep, eat crisps.

Thursday 11/03/2010

- ASDA shopping came and they hadn’t bought something round. Had to call up and get a refund. This now means that as I am doing no more shopping before the end of term, because of my food schedule, I now have nothing to eat Sunday tea-time.

- Feel restless and uncomfortable. Want to be elsewhere. Simply cannot make my body relax.

- Decided not to have lunch today- can’t exactly work out why. Food is generally a contentious issue anyway.

- Have completely lost the motivation to move.

*Name of boyfriend changed to prevent people I know searching through these archives

** Name of city changed also, for the same reason as above.

And so that’s where it ends because I ran out of paper. Reading it back makes me feel a little sick; it’s so over-dramatic, but this is coming from my current, and somewhat more relaxed, state of mind.

I can conclude myself from my writing that it is clearly the location that I am in which depresses me, and what depresses me the most is the re-writing of lists. Simply, I can say that I do not currently want to lead the life I do. One solution to this, which I have uselessly been offered, would be dropping out of University but that would mean that the past year and a half of my life has been a complete waste of time. My difficulty in living now would have no reason, and thus, what reason would there be in my living? Clearly, I need a new direction in life (come on you llamas) but am currently hindered by my need to organise and my 40-hour-days should demonstrate that over time, it is never getting better.

Just as a final point, I have also kept all the day-lists from this period for my psychiatrist to have a look at. There are 10 lists spread over the ‘Stuff’ period of 4 days. Ridiculous.