There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

I know that this moment will pass, but this restraining order situation is stressing me out so much.
It’s supposed to expire on Thursday, but it’s been 5 years. It’s like I’ve gotten used to it. I use it to justify my anti-social tendencies and have used it to build a massive comfort zone. I won’t know what to do when it expires.
My heart says to try talking to her again.
My mind says that is the worst idea ever conceived.
She’s not blocked on my socials, and I really do hope that she reaches out.
I know not to expect it, but I […]

As I lay in bed unable to sleep, I dream of it just ending. Slipping in to nothingness. No more fighting. No more sadness. No more being a burden on those I care about. I think about oblivion. I just want it to be over. I’ve fought for so long and now I’m expected to be grateful for scraps. I can’t do it. I want to be dead. I want to die. I just want to not feel any of this anymore.

The fear, the pain, the loss, the neverending emptiness. It’s all too much for one little brain to handle. I’m done

I am running away
From a big rock lady
I am running away
afraid she’ll crush me
i turn to her face
she had a smile
i saw her place
she was on a hill
i turned away
she rolled swiftly
i was running away
she rolled quickly
i was running away
shes on top of me
i turned away
shes right near me
i stood in place
she sang softly
i was running away
afraid she might crush me
i was running away
shes rolling swiftly
i was running away
shes right on top of me
i was running away
she might crush me

That line was in a movie concerning how a man behaves when a woman hands herself to him on a plate, you don’t want to belong to a club that would have someone like you as a member. I first heard that line in my teens and found it a bit far fetched, surely I wouldn’t be a guy who behaves like that but no, I have a 9 chasing me, texting round the clock, comparing me favourably to the pieces of shit available for women online,,asking me out when she previously said women don’t ask men out and I’m no happier, every guy thinks […]

…everything is normal and fine, till one day, you open your eyes to this broad daylight and find yourself in this struggle to power your way out from under the crashing car. I so want to give up now…

I want not to be this anymore. I want not to be me anymore. Every time I’m around other people, I hate myself. I deserve to hate myself. But I don’t want it anymore. I want the feeling, the guilt, the self-awareness – I want it all gone. I want to be free of it – of this self, this identity, this craving. I’m so tired of it – I don’t want to be the villain anymore. Fine, me=badman. Deserving of death. Stain on existence. Can we just get it over with already? Just end it – so I can finally stop being this?

But of course, that’s […]

What state do u live in

Would you pay a suicide note out not? Before I head no reason to. I was chronically depressed with no apparent cause. But now if I killed myself there would be a cause. How about you? Would you leave a note behind? And what would be the premise of it?

I’ve considered myself a pessimist now, and I’m 38 years old. To be honest, it leads me to being severely depressed & suicidal; there is not a single day now where I don’t think of death, and even suicide personally. Everything (or most of the time) just seems depressing. There are honestly only very few/little things in this life/world that interests me now, and even they’re easily crushed soon by reality. It’s depressing. And constantly reading about pessimism philosophy even reinforces how depressing this existence really is. Although admittedly, my pessimistic outlook were perhaps mostly & originally also caused by what I’ve considered myself & […]

Come Inside

Welcome Darkness,
Wrap me up in a blanket of your cold embrace.
Watch the light as it flickers out.

Hello Lonely,
Surrounded by friends or demons so close.
I couldn’t tell if you were there.

Goodbye Sanity,
No one can see the tangled lands in here.
I’ve fallen to far to find you.

Finally, Death, my old friend,
Ive waited here forever in hopes that you could come.
Take me to your home.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts my entire life. I don’t think I’ve ever gone a day without thinking about death, or wanting to die. But it’s usually been pretty manageable, at least to the point where I wasn’t making drastic steps towards killing myself. But that’s changed. Really changed.

I had an episode in March, right when the Coronavirus began implementing into our world. I was on a choir trip and had to come home early because it was too dangerous. And it was like the second I got back into my hometown, I’d fallen into a deep, overreaching sleep. One that I couldn’t wake out of […]

Haven’t cut myself for a year and a half until yesterday.

I feel so lost right now, like I’m in a dark place filled with water and I’m drowning.

I really thought I was healing. . . that I was doing just fine, but somehow the demons started to crawl back into my head pulling me deeper.

I tried to climb back up, trying to pull myself together, but my shoulders are too heavy that I keep on sinking unto the ocean floor.

I’m drowning.

and I need help.

i’ve had an eating disorder for basically my whole life i think. i don’t know because i have severe ptsd and i have very little memories from 12-13 or earlier. i don’t talk to my family, i have almost no friends because i pushed them all away. my ex recovered from his eating disorder and is doing so well and i’m just… here… just as fat and just as mentally ill as before.

i don’t want to get better. i just want it to stop. i don’t want to do this

My head feels like exploding. The people who have wronged me act like nothing has happened and the person who cheated on me defends to death the other person she was cheating on. Frankly she was the only thing that was left to me. I lost my closest friends, I lost my mother and now this latest thing where I find out my fiance was cheating. Life just constantly shits on me. I just want peace. I don’t want to suffer anymore

I can count and I do it right all four Digits.

She is not alive Inside me, Love fills my missing Parts.

ICU been crowded, filled by myself with Voice in Pain.

Screaming over an over her Name and what it took, reflect again.

I sensed dying too often, can‘t trust, seeks no spark or joy.

Just she, me and ours in Interaction known and a couple of us from the flux pushed apart.

I really want my heart to finally stop beating. It’s already struggling to beat. “Only the good die young.” Well, I’m not good, and I’m going to die young. I’m in my twenties. I originally joined SP back in 2013. I was such a different person then. I was still good. It wasn’t too late for me. Now, it’s far too late. I’ve never had access to a good method, or else I would’ve killed myself years ago. If I had it my way, I would’ve killed myself at the age of twelve; that’s how old I was when thoughts of suicide first entered my […]

What’s the point posting in this site when you’re just rambling and no one replies? I’ve definitely noticed a drop in the comments from the last time I was in here. That’s either a good thing or a bad thing.

When thinking about the various ways I could end my life none of them seem particularly appealing. I think it’s more of a fear of trying and not being successful and knowing you will have to wake up and face all the same thoughts again. I guess it comes down to a choice between my head and my heart. My ego is like go on do it but my in my heart I know I don’t want too. I think so far jumping off a building would probably be the method I would pick. It’s weird talking about this openly and honestly. Not like a […]