October 9th, 2015by user1
it’s just trash
until there’s nothing left
just a hollow space
filled with empty rage
and an unanswered question
what’s the point
why does it matter
burn it all down
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I don’t have anything new to say and I’m not looking for any advice… I feel like I’m posting too much. I just needed to write.
Hope everyone is doing okay today. Feel free to skip over my post and rant about it in the comments if you’re not.
Earlier my mum said she feels like she hardly sees me, because she’s been out a lot. I said it isn’t ideal that I’m spending so much time in the house, but it’s okay, I’m fine… I’m starting to realise how severely it’s affecting me.
It has its upsides. I’ve been in more pain lately, but it often disappears …
7 hours ago • Chronic Pain
I’m living a lie, a farce…
I’m dropping college (temporarily) while everyone else still believes I’m taking classes..
I’m supposedly religious, and yet I constantly, knowingly sin, without trying to turn away from those bad habits because Trey is a bit more, how you say, raw, than T will ever be…
I’m supposedly smart (some say a genius, I believe that’s a complete lie) and yet, two years into college, I’ve constantly failed, and I’m back to being a freshman at university.
Am I happy? Not at the moment.
Am I satisfied? No.
Have I managed to spread the seed of doubt and dismay into my fragile mind? Yes.
I’m running out …
11 hours ago • General
Sometimes, there is a place I go in my head.
It is a tall thin grey building, at least twenty stories.
As I look at it from the outside, I can see that surrounding it there is no grass at all, just light, sun baked dirt. It is abandoned; No one else knows about this building, and why would they? I’m the only one here. Signs of neglect are evident everywhere. It seems like it could have been an office building at one point, but just by looking at it now one can tell that every floor is empty, and many of the windows are gone. There is no human construct aside from this.
I don’t explore …
12 hours ago • General
The judge in my told me today in a meeting that my rapist might stay free because it’s so hard to prove rape in a relationship! Are you serious?! Fuck you, you don’t realise how much of a downward spiral you’ve just sent me in. Fuck you.
15 hours ago • General
It’s been almost a year since I last made a post on here, and, in all honesty, it’s because I’ve been gradually getting worse. I thought time away from any sort of socialisation would better improve my mental health. Well, that backfired entirely. For the past few months I’ve rarely gone online, with the exception of college research, and it’s just given me more time to dwell on everything.
The voices are worse, I hear them all day, everyday now. No, they’re not voices at all. They’re Angels. I know that now, they’d finally said. The Angels are deafening. I used to have some breaks between …
18 hours ago • General
Found a source for opiates, and new batch of home brew is ready to go. Just in time for one of the million anni’s I don’t want to go through without help. Really anxious. I can’t sleep. Looking forward to it. Hoping it’s not gonna turn out bogus.
19 hours ago • General
I’ve become so familiar with it and it’s so on and off I have called my depression Sebastian. I have been following this site for a long time now and have recently realised that it is just another anchor I must set myself free of if I have any hope of recovery.
To anyone who decided to pay attention to this I thank you and bid you farewell.
19 hours ago • General
I’m just depressed. I’ll probably sleep the day away. I hate living so much and I feel so guilty.
Don’t I have it so easy? I don’t have to work because I was deemed “sick enough”
I’m in so much physical and mental pain. It’s a torture chamber. Torture chamber.
My anxiety is so high. I want to just disappear right now. Why can’t I be normal? Why do I have to deal with all this mental B.S.
It’s always my fault. I’m not trying hard enough or I need to change my mindset or you’re eating all the wrong foods or you’re sleeping too much or you’re not …
21 hours ago • General
No matter how hard I try to live on, I feel trapped. I don’t know what it is but I feel so trapped in life. I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t like it. I hate this. Nothing is okay and it never gets better. If it does ever get better, it just goes back to shit. I can’t do this anymore. I’m giving up for the last time.
22 hours ago • General
The beast that we know as Paranoia, that’s always tugging at my mind, always forcing my mind into a state of wonder, into a thought pattern, like a cobweb,of catastrophic thoughts of what will happen if I’m not obedient.
But the worst of all, the beast that I fear the most, is myself. Tell me, please, is it my fault or is it just bad luck that I, of all people, was cursed with all this?
22 hours ago • General
You are a day ahead in New Zealand, so today is the 9th there, it is your birthday. I already said happy birthday to you earlier, but what would be more fitting than a birthday post on SP, where we met almost two years ago. You have been my dearest and longest friend, my little brother. “Back then I was a lonesome rogue who stumbled across a little fox in the snow, wounded with nowhere to go.” There isn’t anything I can say here that I haven’t said to you before, or vice versa. Despite different aliases from time to time, we’ve moved on from
1 day ago • General
I’m axious about life in general. Not in a bad way so much as, I never in a million years thought I would live this long! I grew up thinking I’d be dead by 20. I had a kid that I gave up in a private adoption at that point. Tomorrow is her 17th burthday. One more year and it’s legal to have contact, that is, if we find each other. I never thought I’d be alive when she turns 18. Which means I have to survive another year. I can’t believe I’m still alive on this day to see her 17th birthday arrive. She …
I’ve been close to the edge before, or at least felt it begin to close in on me.. At which point I would try to find some stronghold to pull myself back from. But right now, at this very second, I’m finding it hard to have any reason to stay. There is nothing left for me. There’s too much going on, but at the same time there’s nothing going on. Right now, a way out seems like the only viable option. The only good and reasonable option. The only option, really. I just can’t do it anymore, I simply can’t, and I don’t know if …
1 day ago • General