Because I’m such an idiot and wasn’t being clear through text messages, one of my friends thought I ran away from home when in reality I just left home for a few hours. I cleared it all up, that I’m ok and everything, but now my friend seems really annoyed at me. I don’t blame them, I should’ve been more clear in what was happening, they probably hate me

I keep asking myself, when is it my turn? I work so hard and love so much but everyone else seems to be reaping the benefits.

Last week someone that I thought was one of my closest friends called me and kicked me out of a living situation we had planned with our other close friend for our second year of college. I had always known that they were closer with each other than they were with me, but I never knew that he barely tolerated me for months on end before telling me this.

Although he tried to let me down easy, that conversation confirmed a […]

I came up for air for a bit today. That is to say I sobered up for the first time in a few days. As sober as I get anymore, which I suspect is still in the refractory period for the intoxicants I use. I lasted about six hours…. found enough to do that I felt relatively productive to the point I didn’t have to run from the void.

Now I’m running again, and plan to run for a bit longer yet. I want to know what the pitch is for someone at my stage to sober up; oh no, throwing your life away? What life? […]

I wanted to reconnect with an old friend who lives far away, and I managed to get the email of her cousin. Her cousin replied to me, saying that my friend (lets call her J) would love to reconnect with me, and her cousin sent me her email and phone number.

I was so f*cking excited that I’d get to talk to my old friend J again. I hadn’t felt this happy for months. I’ll let you know that I did a little victory dance in my room (don’t try to imagine that lol). You get the idea.

I texted her phone first, but I knew there […]

I feel like Im in a prison and I can’t get out. Im broken and just want to disappear but I can’t even find the strength to do that right now. I have to get away from my ex ASAP or she will eventually come over here and who knows what phase her bipolar will be. It could be good, bad or ugly. Right now good would be the worst because she would be able to control and manipulate me into giving her yet another chance to hurt me. Bad would be her screaming and yelling at me and ugly would be her smashing my […]

I don’t get it. I’m trying my hardest but it gets worse every day. I push myself to my limits every single day. But. I. Can’t. Not anymore. Why didn’t I just do it that day? For the girlfriend that I refused to talk to for 5 days after and then lashed out at, forcing her to leave me because I was angry at myself for not commiting suicide? I should have done it. I don’t get why I didn’t. Now I’m even worse. I’ve been lying on the floor for about 20 minutes but I managed to crawl into my bed. I don’t really […]

I’m really losing my mind and i don’t know what to do. i just can’t get used to this feeling, the sadness, the hopelessness. I feel nothing. The only two emotions that exist in my mind are anger and sadness. I don’t wanna die but Im extremely tired. My psychiatrist prescribed antidepressants , but i don’t know i’ve read so many bad things abt them. I’m afraid that they would change me or make me « dumber ». If someone has already tried em, please help me out.

Cancelled my therapist appointment and now I’m getting drunk.

Lifes BS (I need to put that on a shirt lol)

(looking at footbath) well…. God knows how long we’re gonna be here and after the time I’ve been having I deserve it so fuck it. I’m treating myself to a spa day….. If I can figure out how this work XD.

31 years old and I feel like dying
I feel old

I still have no idea what her name was. She never told me her name. I never told her my name. How did I enter a month long relationship and I didn’t even think of asking her what her name was or telling her my name a single time? It doesn’t seem like something normal to me. I’ve never heard of any relationship like that.

I think what I need is someplace to be honest. Since nobody knows me here, this is where I’ll try it out. I can always delete the posts later if they’re too honest for my taste.

I’m cutting again. I keep saying I won’t cut deep enough to scar but it’s important that I do. I’m smoking way too much. I need to be objective about this. I’m taking big risks to keep smoking. It has to stop.

I know I can’t stop cutting this time. It’s far too much for me to handle by myself, and I’m completely alone. I’m disappointed in myself but there is […]

Norma wore a fatsuit/ and that’s a caricature of me waiting for someone… Realizing this now. Haha if only

Not different…. Fatsuit…..  Best part… The mob had no idea why they were saying what they were saying… No sweat I was trolled by an old woman in theory

Well its been three days since my wife told me she is leaving and 2 days since I posted.

Yes.  I want to disappear from this world.  My wife’s news is the last straw.  All the negativity and violence in the news, all the it’s their fault, no its the other’s fault.   I cannot deal with this anymore.

At the time I did not have a plan to be a sure thing.   I am not going to overdose for attention, try to cut myself, nor can I use a method that has pain or fear unless it is instantaneous. (No jumping for me…)   Well  I now have […]

Whenever i attempt a relationship, i sabotage myself n assume he can do better and get someone skinnier and prettier than me. So now hes pissed off and is going to bed because i kept tryin to push him away. For some reason i feel like people are “settling” when they try to choose me. Because numerous exs in the past always saw me as a rest stop on their way to somethin better. And my inner self doesnt want to be treated like that ever again. Kinda why ive been single since 2011. I feel like being alone is better for me because it […]

Snow White was portrayed as peaceful; though death is not peaceful at all. If this were real she would be a corpse.

Society has idealized death so much that it has become common for most of us to see it as a way out imagining an end to our own pain and suffering by form of stoping. What a burden to feel like we must take it upon ourselves to end our lives- it is dreadfully sad. Part of the problem is that society paints […]

don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me DON’T TOUCH ME

my skin is fucking crawling.  he’s here again.  he’s in my blood, in my bones.  he’s in my room, but he’s not.  his hands are cold.  ****** please leave me alone.  pleasep lease please pleaseplease leave me al one,,..

i can hear him again.  i can hear him.  a broken record, repeating over and over all the things he said

i can feel the razors.  it burns it burns it burns it burns makeit stop please, ******

my body is a trauma graveyard and these scars are the gravestones

please stop ican’t breathe you’re hurting […]

I get $150 for spending money. I haven’t spent a cent (payday being last friday) and I already owe myself $60. That leaves me $90. And I need $50 for my cats tags in case they get out and a little under $50 for coffee I drink to help with my disorders.

Booze (much like weed) is a wonderful problem maker.

Also if I could make my home page just my stuff (so not the main site like it currently is) that would be awesome however even if that is possible I doubt it would happen considering the mods don’t even seem to be watching their own […]

I remember these hard days –  ^this clown’s sick of quarantine^
4-24-2020  /    Back then I had a crush on this girl – I dreamed up this like, not crazy-vindictive person. Someone smart- It ended so badly. I kept spotting her in different places. She’s from out of state. but I tried to look ahead and mind my own business anyway. and This is why ignoring your gut is bad… what a narcissist.  She set all of that up to call me deformed and […]

My panic attack (?) subsided after a day. I still feel awful, but that warped feeling in my head’s calmed down a bit. I’m about to have a horrible week ahead of me. The week after that doesn’t seem like it will be much better. The last month of the semester is always hell. And of course it’s the last month of the semester where my depression really starts to suffocate me, so that doesn’t help. Both are so unbelievably linked together, so I always dread this month. Right now I’m being pulled into two different directions. On […]

Don’t get me wrong, I hate myself. But there are a few small insignificant things that make me feel like I’ve accomplished something and grown as a person. I’m going to list those things here, no matter how stupid or corny those things might seem:

– Expressing emotions and talking to other people. I didn’t do that at all before, I was so afraid I’d be a burden that I kept everything a secret. It killed me inside. I do talk to my friends now, and even if they still don’t know I’m suicidal, I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

– I can draw better now. […]