Nothing ever works in my favor. I started losing friends one by one every fucking year and blamed myself for not being good enough, barely getting through my childhood with once used-to-be abusive father. I’m glad he’s changed now but the effects never really went away. Nothing in my life works in my way. I am desperately clinging on to the job that I am suffering in because I have to support my family, my mom is really sick but I cant go back because of the pandemic, and every fucking day I have to go through a whole anxiety attack before I start work. […]

I think the strangest thing I’ve seen… Was a dump site where over a hundred books on black culture, african culture, segregation, societal gaps
and one random… Anderson Cooper’s dispatches from the edge…. were all laying in an alley next to a busted tv set.

Confused me a bit. A busted out television set kind of screams “IT WAS A LIE” …  but why would ……….. Just annoying that all of those books were dumped like that. It’s a feeling like opening a book box and seeing “Glenn Beck’s The Christmas Sweater.”
Free book boxes, where I’m at, never have anything interesting in them. Just God […]

Is about to push me over the edge. In the past 8 years from my most suicidal to now, I had several years of long phases where I was fine. This year though is all kinds of twisted. I don’t even wanna live anymore im running on auto pilot. I just want something to kill me cause I don’t have the balls do it myself anymore. I just can’t. It doesn’t get better, I thought it did but its all one sick game and I’m never gonna get to relax. I’m suffocating mentally…why can’t I just suffocate physically. I’m over this. Goodnight.

Can I say it now/ Allison’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.
Yeah~
Full of heart / wise.  So sexy.
That’s really all there is to it.

I could say that in the middle of times square and not worry about it, right. Yeah~

I really, really hope I’m not going to make it to 2021. It’d be wonderful if I finally had access to a good method. Sadly, I don’t have the money for the method I’d really love to go through with. I’m so desperate to die, that I’ve been seriously considering just going through with a sh*tty method. The success rates are low with those methods, though. I’m nothing but an evil, good-for-nothing loser. I really need to finally die…

It feels as though I’m so alone, without a way out. It’s like drowning, first panicking, then once the water in you, finally a sense of peace. I’m waiting for when the water enters me, a sense of peace which I haven’t felt in over 3 years. I’m scared I’ll do something drastic because I know what I’m capable of.

I don’t think I’m smart. I’m a fucking idiot, because what intellect I have is selective. I can understand Java code, but I can’t understand why 90% of humanity can’t give a straight or honest answer to simple questions. I can feel myself desiring to go over the brink, and I grab my own shirt and pull back to where everybody else is; the agreed on perception, a collective dream that you all know as “reality”

There are treatments I would like to try, but no idea of the intervening steps. Just so, there is a lifestyle I think that would push me to this edge […]

Just an OFF switch. That’s all I want.

Whomever said “being grateful makes things better”…
– was an idiot.
No. I can’t be grateful for this kind of pain.

i dont want to see anymore
i dont want to hear anymore
i dont want to smell anymore
i dont want to taste anymore
i dont want to feel anymore
i dont want to be in pain anymore
i guess…..
i dont want to breath anymore

Hey, I’m 18 y/o I went through shit In my life I’m Muslim and Gay and Diabetic and Mentally ill and Unstable. Because No body Knows About my mental issues I couldn’t Go to a therapist, So I searched online for some test Wish. I found one wish Seemed Very Detailed, Professional and True It took between 20-25 min to finish it. I got the Results They where:

1-Majored Depressive disorder: 97%
2-Manic Episodes: 33%
3-C-PTSD: 72%
4-Generalized Anxiety Disorder: 94%
5-Panic Disorder: 44%
6-Panic Attacks:38%

I was a Bit shook I thought I might Get higher Results. I Had A “BF” well I thought He was. […]

Where are you when the only resource you have is this?  When, as a result of your own choices, the only place you have to vent is … a server.

Reading all these posts, I see I’m not alone.  In being alone.

You know you’re in trouble when you’ve been alone so long that you have to fight back tears and resist the urge to simply throw yourself into a strangers arms and scream “Please, please help me…”.  When the simple act of sitting with someone and discussing anything…weather, politics, dogs, black holes, is overridden by the incessant need to ask them to please help you.  How?  […]

I remember a dude on here years ago griping about his height and how he wanted to be an athlete but couldn’t… Well I’ve been taking this shit called Ashwagandha for… 4 days now… And I can’t say for certain, but I could almost swear to god, I’m taller. I was already pretty tall as it is. Which sucks. I wanted to use this stuff to build muscle. Not height. I’m already 6’4. I can’t get much taller without being a freak. Guess I’ll have to throw this crap out and just be skinny.

Anyway, if that dude ever reads this, maybe his torment will end. […]

I’m manic. I’m stressed. I’m letting toxic people back into my life. I’m living my best-worst life. Self sabotage is my speciality I think. I love to hurt myself in the best way possible. I let those toxic people hurt me and I let those toxic people walk on me. I get myself into situations where I know I’ll get hurt. And I love to do this to myself. I guess you could say it’s a painful pleasure. I don’t give a single fuck what others say, I do it anyways. It’s like everyone can scream at me “no” and I’ll keep going. And I […]

I feel that money is extremely important. Hardly anyone is willing to love an extremely impoverished person. If I can’t pay for food and shelter then why would they. I completely get it. I wouldn’t wanna be with someone who has a hard time surviving. It’ll just suck. On the other side, someone would want to love someone who’s rich. But they don’t really love them it the money that they love and I’m just not really interested in that fake love. So no matter what happens there’s just no way to love or be loved. It’s kind of like the government took away my […]

I am going to use this forum just to vent and get these thoughts out of my mind. I literally have no friends, my family use me for their problems and I cannot burden my son. I got a fright when the thought popped into my head after so many years. I know that 2020 is hard for everyone. We are all struggling with mental health but I am scared. You see I stopped doing all the drugs, I even stopped drinking this year and its all come crashing down. I cannot see a way out anymore. You know when you get into the cycle […]

2020 has savagely wrecked my life. Everything is my fault. I’m not good enough nor will I ever be. I was given a horrible fate, and false. I fought a bad childhood just to be victimized by Life. I was always hopeful i could find a breakthrough. I messed everything. My past of actions through 2015 until now 2020 has caught up with me. I deserve to die. Even if people care, i feel like i deserve to die. I can’t live with the regret. The regret is killing me. My failures are killing me. My depression is killing me. The lack of family is […]

I once learned that self-hurt habits usually diminish as we grow. I always thought that the reason people stop cutting themselves was that they become mature and have better ways to cope with problems. I was wrong. I stopped mutilating my skin as I became an adult, but not because I was a better man. It was just that the depressed feelings became inherent and I felt so numb I couldn’t even hurt myself.

I live so hard everyday. Once in a while, I’ll see what my friends are up to and see that everyone else is enjoying their life. They go traveling with their friends, […]

The weed had been ” vacuum packed”. I took an instant dislike to the term. I said to the supplier what the hell was his supplier thinking vacuum packing the weed. The supplier said he had rebuked his supplier for vacuum packing the weed and had now put the fact that the weed had been vacuum packed behind him and suggested I should too. Being extremely fussy about weed I speculated aloud that the high from the weed might have been impinged upon because it had been vacuum packed, he said no, the weed was just compressed but the high would be fine. I wasnt […]

“Happyness is not bought, its Bargained“.

Said Satan –

Why live poor, when you could be me. A King that Rules all flesh that beats. Take your pick amung the weak, No God can Judge for what, I may speak.

Take my hand and walk with thee, into the forest dark; no soul shall leave. I ask for no land or gold, body nor mind..

No Creation is more delicious than Time.

Share me that and you will receive, all you desire or will ever need.

Writers Note:

Didnt really have a point to this or reason. Been into alot of Mythology/Gods and Demons lately. Inspired by Dante. Been working on my […]