I tried to commit suicide when I was 20. I’ve lived a lifetime since then.

My suicide attempt cost me the only friend I ever had. I started seeing doctors and therapists then, hoping that if I could fix myself I’d get my friend back. I write to her every year. 18 years now. And I never hear back. Still I keep trying even though I know it will never happen.

The question I have the hardest time answering for myself is why didn’t I try again? I don’t have an answer I suppose. Some sort of belief that maybe if all the stars align I might […]

Im done. I don’t get why Im still here. I don’t know anything. I don’t believe in anything. I tried different things but my Mental health is killing me. Why do I let it get the best of me. I keep hurting those close to me. I’m numb to a bunch of things. I just want to end this quick

That is exactly what I needed.

I felt like shit. I had just thrown my new kitchen lighting across the place and hit the window. I just wanted to die. I was so fucking done with my brain bullshit, don’t get me wrong I still am, however as a hold over until my therapists appointment that did nicely. I rolled 6 joints, about the amount I have in a day, it’s 4-5 but I felt like shit so rolled an extra just in case. I didn’t know how long I was going to be gone just that I was probably going to be back by night […]

Maybe the life I’ve build, is the one I deserve. But is it really fair for someone to only be able to build a Horror-Mansion, while others get a Dreamhouse done.? They call it ‘having the tools to deal with setbacks’. I’ve never aquired anything more than a pair of old rusty scissors, to cut the caution tape, that I’ve wrapped around my Mansion, for normal folks to stay away.

Trespassers would still get in. They love being part of the haunted feeling once in a while. They’re lucky they get to leave that feeling, because I don’t. I have to stay here, isolated and question […]

I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sleep. Sleep, until I don’t feel this sense of overwhelming futility anymore. I want to go back, to when I still had hope. To when I still felt life could be worth living. Now I can’t even imagine experiencing contentment or peace.

Although it’s getting to a point where I can’t understand what’s going on and someone seems to be talking to me on mute, although it’s gotten to a point where I can’t put anything in my head to words, although I am always confused although I can’t understand anything anymore although it seems like I’m getting dumber and my memory getting worse and depersonalization seems to come as soon as I put attention to my surroundings, I can’t stop crying today. I don’t remember how it started (as always) I believe I’m in another episode after having a easy week I’m having another episode and […]

I don’t know how to fully explain this feeling.I’m certain that I’m going to die soon. Actually I’ve been taking antidepressants on and off (SSRI) and I would take 5 mg for days then switch to ten, then not take it for some days really depending on my moods. Honestly, I got very paranoid I felt like taking them would change me completely and make me an idiot for the rest of my life. I also had some very troubling thoughts about burning myself it was almost as if I was obsessing over the idea of doing it . I wanted to burn myself to […]

I feel alone, I have friends and a good relationship with my family however I feel alone, it´s like if I was empty inside, sometimes I dont feel anything at all, it´s horrible, its like a feeling of being empty inside and not feeling anything at the same time. And what anoys me is not having any reason to feel alone.

I dont know how I feel, it´s not that I want to die I just want to disppear without hurting anyone. The thing is, you can just get help, but i feel that I don´t have any reason to be sad and I dont want to talk to a psycologist when some people have real problems, my life is good so why do I feel this way. I just can´t take it anymore, I want to leave this world and my mind, i want to finally relax.

The people that I live with in this house or city, they don’t care about me, they want to destroy me, they don’t care if I die

Is this love that I’m feeling, is this the love that I’ve been searching for

But it wasnt…

Not once did I say or do anything. I even fucking encouraged it! And the one time I did say no, it was followed by a threat and then I assume a chance lost as we stopped hanging out shortly after due to me being kicked out.

idk much about it. i just found it. but i thought id share in case someone can use it

http://www.aftersilence.org/

I wish I had died when I was still a kid. Around that time, I think I really realized I don’t want to live, that everything is pointless. At least I didn’t yet realize what the deal was with my family, and I still believed Santa Claus exists.

I would have missed nice things (mainly those that did not happen to me but were books, movies and ideas), and I would have also  missed endless self-loathing, painful interactions with others that bore no fruit whatsoever, the endless frustration, the endless boredom. I would have skipped dealing with mental illness, and knowledge that I’m a disappointment to […]

How much more do I have to suffer. Why do I have to keep holding on, why can’t I find a solution, I’m tired, please stop torturing me

Was away from the game server for a few days, and I kinda used wording in one of my messages that implied that I was going to die. I suppose I could say I tried to, but they weren’t really ‘proper’ attempts. I really don’t want to do anything. Some players seemed to worry a bit. And I worried my online friend. I’m miserable all the time. I wish I could ask my dad what death is like. Despite his terrible abuse of me and mum, I still believe he was tormented in some way. He would’ve gone peacefully as well, he was unconscious I […]

Someone called me perfect once.

It seems like something everyone wants to be called. Imagine if someone looked up to you like that. Imagine if someone held you to the same standard as a god. Wouldn’t that be nice?

But, no, it’s not nice. It puts a lot of pressure on your shoulders.

The thing is, no human can be perfect. Calling somebody perfect is just giving them an unreachable goal. That’s what makes us so interesting. Flaws. Filth.

If you have ever studied writing, you probably know the importance of flaws. If your characters are perfect, there is no conflict. There will be nothing to learn, nothing to […]

I just registered here because I read that this place is sort of “mystical” and I guess a part of me is trying to cling on to any hope that keeps me from wanting to actually act on my suicidal thoughts.

Then I realized that suicide isn’t “mystical” and the people who are/were suicidal know that isn’t the best word to describe it. Suicide isn’t beautiful or interesting; its destructive /repulsive and deserves no respect whatsoever. Feeling like ending your life isn’t poetic .

I don’t know why I actually signed up here; I don’t know if it’ll help, but I do know that I need saving […]

I’m working on getting better. I’m going out often. I comb my hair every day. I cook and clean. I brush and floss. The next step is regular exercise, cutting screen time, managing work deadlines, and working on relationships. I’m tempted to stop taking antidepressants because I feel better, but everything I’ve read about this treatment warns against doing so, so I shan’t. I think I still have months to go. After the realization that the feelings I’ve had my entire life truly are irrational, I’ve been working on rationalizing my thought process. I refuse to let myself remain this way. It is a brand […]

The world has many names. Some call it just ‘The World’, others, ‘Gaia’, ‘Mother Earth’. If you look at the vast religions, everyone has a unique way of referring to this pale blue dot in such a maternal manner, quite romantically.

Even though the world is the inspiration to my great minds, it is also the downfall to a great number of souls. I, for one, am amongst the ones this world has shaped in a not-so-gentle fashion.

Incidentally, life can’t get much worse. And for those who know my story, I would like to extend a parallel to what I wrote last time. I may even […]