I want to stay alive because I love laughing and dancing, I love music, the weather, the river and the garden. There’s so many films I haven’t seen yet, so many books I’ve still to read. I love traveling really early on a Saturday morning when everyone’s still in bed and the roads are clear, and I’m escaping to somewhere remote for the weekend. I love sitting in sweet little coffee shops and watching the world go by; the world that I hate in the main, but now and again I see the movement of a kind person and it touches me to tears and fills me with love.

I want to die because everything I love comes at a high price of me having to do everything I hate, most of the time. I hate being mugged constantly by the system. I hate that I have tried to work out how I can live doing the things I love in the main as apposed to now and again, and finding no suitable situation that doesn’t bring more troubles (such as being poor). I feel as if I live in a prison and still I take joy from looking out of the window now and again. What is outside of that window is mine! I believe that my purpose for being alive is to enjoy this planet, not be a slave to a man made system. The older I get, the less I can tow the line and pull myself together because this system is criminal. …

They told us what life’s about,

Grow up, do well in school, and don’t act out,

Make friends, find love and get employed,

Marry, get a mortgage, be overjoyed,

Have kids, watch TV, don’t forget to vote,

Go to church, find some hobbies, congratulations you’re afloat,

Donate to charity, go on vacation, but ignore temptation,

Grow old, retire, spoil the children, and thank your democratic nation,

Reminisce, be at peace and look forward to the afterlife of your choosing…

Yawn.

Forgive me for snoozing.

I can’t help but think how fucked we all are,

If the above is the ideal then we’re all screwed,

We’re told from birth “this is the plan”,

Society sets this norm…builds this pedestal,

There’s no room for failure, no leverage and no room to manoeuvre,

That’s what the labels are for-

Loser, freak, weirdo, bastard, bitch

We’ve heard them all before,

It’s just not achievable. It’s a dream, an illusion- the big cosmic lie,

Of course there are the lucky few. The ones that walk in the light so to speak,

I’ve never met them…but they must be there right?

if you are suffering and also interested in getting better, I have some info to offer that may or may not help.

first and foremost my email is asprin4themasses@gmail.com. If you ever need someone to talk with email me, I’ll even give you my number, we can chat at odd hours.

Second is for those of you who are depressed because of economics, I can offer the subsection of a website called reddit, called frugal http://www.reddit.com/r/Frugal/top/?t=all. These guys are the best, simple  to advanced tips to stay alive in hard times. They also have a community about suicide, http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/

Third is the information that depression has physical links, and they could play a huge factor. Are you healthy? this is a first, you can’t skip it. It’s not hard, just check out the food pyramid and start some jump rope etc. Stretching will give you a lot more energy. No one gets it overnight but the simple and slight improvements in this area will quickly gain inertia and you may see many other things in life improving.

Fourth, if you are generally lonely do you have any means of artistic expression? you may be thinking it’s not for you but theres infinite possibilities on how to go about that. If no one else is around I find I love to dance stupidly, and sometimes angrily to music I like.

Fifth, I said this somewhere else, but wherever you are, physically, socially, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, its the wrong place for you, and if you stay there it will kill you. you …

i talked to a friend today, had not heard from her for a while. i couldnt lie about how depressed i was… i think maby she was going to have a party over the holiday weekend and was possibly going to invite me.  if i had lied and not been real about how bad i feel i might have been invited. no dice. nobody wants a depressed person around. double whammy. i thought a lot about killing myself tonight again but i cant. i have to go to work tomorrow. another day.

“As soon as you’re born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you’re clever and they despise a fool
Till you’re so fucking crazy you can’t follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

When they’ve tortured and scared you for twenty odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can’t really function you’re so full of fear
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV
And you think you’re so clever and classless and free
But you’re still fucking peasants as far as I can see
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

There’s room at the top they are telling you still
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill
If you want to be like the folks on the hill
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

If you want to be a hero well just follow me
If you want to be a hero well just follow me”

~ John Lennon: Working Class Hero

I’ve been degraded and maltreated many times. I did wish a hundred times that I am dead. They thought I am snappy and proper and many says I am too modest to be here. Some of the immaculate seem to like me, some of them didn’t notice me and some of them hate me. Those who has gripes on me made my life miserable here inside the academy for the past five months. Yes I did thought of quitting once when I experience hazing. I did take risk on writing this because I need to or else I’m going crazy keeping all the sentiments inside…

Know what, as I am typing this in ms word I’m trying to find a way how can I post this crap in this site the upperclassmen are at my back hopefully they will not notice me…. For what am doing right now is strictly prohibited… I just really needed someone to talk to at the moment and found none… I hope I will be survive all this…..

Do you ever have those days when you feel insane? Like, mood swings, where you jump from “I should go to the hospital so I don’t kill myself” to “I am on top of the world!”? It’s not bipolar because he mood swings are way to sudden, but it’s something. I woke up this morning convinced that I was either going to hit up a friend for 20 vicodin or finally go to the hospital and bite that bullet (in a lot of ways, I think that the hospital would be worse than suicide because I would still be alive to have to face all of the never ending fake sympathy and over-bearing concern of people) but then, I just hit good mood mode. Now, I think that I am working on heading back to my normal depressed state, but I had 5 or 6 hours with amazing self esteem and a great mood. I’m not sure what it is and I’m not sure if it is something that anyone else has felt, but it is a very strange way.

-hatemeplease

(“hate me today. hate me tomorrow. hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you. hate me in ways, ways hard to swallow. hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.” -Blue October, “hate me”)

My dad once said-

“Elle if you don’t have your health…

…you don’t have anything.”

He was right.

“We can give you 50 years”

I don’t want 50 years, I want forever.

“Check your sugars Elle”

“Take your insulin Elle”

“Have you checked your feet Elle?”

“When’s your next appointment Elle?”

“No relationship can survive contempt”

That’s what they say.

They also say ‘mental illness’

…when the impacts are all physical.

“Cheer up Elle, the world isn’t gonna move for you”

“What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”

“Ugh do you have to inject in public?”

“HOW ARE YOU?”

And this is what I say-

“They live in their perfect little boxes…

Shock and horror for anything outside of ‘normal’

And melt away at the first sign of trouble

Masks of happiness and false sympathy

Superficial pools, an endless ocean

False idols and false gods

‘God’s gonna save us’ Hah!

Anaesthesia- black nothing

The prelude to ‘after’

I can’t wait.”

I’ve been lurking around this site for quite some time without posting my own story/words. I’m going to try not to ramble right now but if I do, forgive me. I have no one to talk to and I’m hoping that finally writing this will alleviate some of this pain.

Instead of starting with explaining my past, I will start with the now. I am a female, 28 years old. This past Tuesday I was fired from my job. It is approximately the 15th job I’ve lost within the last 8 years. I was only there a year and a half. I just went through this in 2008. Somehow back then, I managed to stay afloat doing temp work. I told no one that I was struggling until November of that year when I faced eviction after I lost one of my temp jobs. I broke down and asked my mother for help, and she gave me money. She also called me a loser and reacted to my failures the way she always has – with hostility and contempt. I won’t be asking for her help this time.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse I suffered as a child. It is something I have never told my family about, they have no idea this happened to me. A friend of the family is who molested me. I’ve known for a very long time, even as I grew up, that this incident stunted my growth as a person. I have never been whole. I have never been …

I stand in front of the mirror
And wipe the fog away
My vision is still hazy
From ridding myself this way

My hair is all in tangles
My eyes are filled with tears
I wipe the warm tears away
As if trying to rid myself of my fears

I’m ashamed of what I have done
But it hurts me even more
I can’t make myself stop doing it
Even though I know what’s in store

It has taken over my mind
It is eating away at my soul
My throat burns with anger
While my stomach growls even more

I am still looking in the mirror
Yet I don’t know who I see
All that I know
Is this sad sight couldn’t be me

I grip the edge of the counter
So tightly that my knuckles turn white
I want to scream out in anger
At this ugly sight

It’s your fault I hiss
That I do this to myself
If only you didn’t look this way
I would be in better health

I cover the image in the mirror
With the palm of my hand
And notice a cut on my finger
That I never knew I had

I grab my hand in anger
Or is it more like fright
I’m just so shocked
To see this sight

I laugh and then I cry
Then crumble to the floor
Suddenly aware of my problem
Like I never was before

How did this happen to me?
How did I become a statistic?
I thought that I was strong,
I thought I was better than that

My head throbs in anger
My throat burns with pain
My finger loses a drop of blood
And Nothing is what I have gained