The animal in me wants to survive at any cost, to reproduce. It’s strong enough to make me fear death, to hinder me in killing myself. But it’s not strong enough to actually drive me to succeed in life. It’s constantly undermined by the asshole personality I’ve developed since I was a child, that always wants to withdraw, to reflect, to stand back from life and observe. That would rather be miserable about the past than focus on the future, because that somehow seems more meaningful. That is constitutionally incapable of being happy.

It’s hard for me to weigh up the good that would come from […]

So it all started a few years ago , I went to camp and couldn’t sleep for 4 days , then I started having very intrusive thoughts about death . I couldn’t think properly or sleep properly, my mum tried every option helpline, nothing worked. My mum’s cousin which was a doctor said I was overreacting or attention seeking . I was battling with really high depression. A year after that it came back but worse. I couldn’t eat without getting death thoughts . So I didn’t eat. I wanted to kill myself with a knife. My mum never believed me . If she wasn’t […]

Having a planet full of blossoming minds is so hard, when you want to be the one, to create something that’s new. Being mediocre is a lifetime goal, for some. I’ve always fallen out of the cookie cutter, which was meant to shape me into something worthwhile. Don’t touch me, I’m far from getting a smile plastered on with permanent icing. I’ve gripped the pencil, as I saw fit. I drew what scared me inside. Nobody can guess the emotion.

I said ‘good morning’ for the first time to the lady that runs behind me with her cup to ask for spare change every day on […]

I hate breathing exercises.

I become so aware of how my breathing is the only thing keeping me alive; which sends me into another panic attack where I can’t breathe. Thats why life feels like dying

here a list of people i lost in my whole life :

Niela (born August 4th 1996 , killed herself December 5th 2012)

Dereck ( born July 7th 1994 , died in a car crash December 31st 2012)

Renata ( born December 18th 1998 , killed herself November 23rd 2015)

Gaviella ( born September 12th 2006 , died of leucemia May 16th 2016)

Kapriella ( born ???? , killed herself July 11st 2017)

Cameron ( May 28th 1999, died of epilepsy July 6th 2019)

Winona ( January 2nd 2000, killed herself March 5th 2022)

Mary-Ann ( June 5th 1980 , killed herself June 5th 2022)

I plan to kms on November 23rd .

I don’t really know how or where but i know when …

I plan to do it on 23rd but the date doesn’t really matter , at least it’s on November.

My heart melts with joy and anxiety thinking about it .

i am really lonely since he abandonned me.

DEVON ;

was one of the best friend i ever had ; met him on September 14th after talking about the perfect buddy with my friend Justin .

I met him and instantly became crazy about him!

we held our hands together right after meeting.

Then life was like easier when Devon was here.

He stopped talking […]

Is it really suicide if i’m already dead inside ?

My entire life I have been disrespected, treated like shit and been bullied by everyone I met to the point of attempting suicide. Many people told me I am an easy target and I am dumb as fuck and they thoroughly enjoyed putting me down. I have no friends, not a soul in this world who I can call if I am in a fight or a life-death situation. All this is because I am autistic and have no social skills.

Needless to say I hate most people after my great experiences with them. I have also developed cptsd and serious heart issues due to the […]

If you’re along the way of setting up a online data room (VDR), the first thing is choosing what kinds of data you’ll retailer in the room. You can store many methods from PDFs to data logs and video clips. Once you’ve made a decision, you can customise the accord for each selection of users and assign these people different degrees of access. This will ensure that simply those who want access can actually view the files they need.

Virtual info rooms also come with a user friendly workspace, letting you collaborate upon documents, […]

I feel not great about living. I kinda fucked up with my partner. Because I was openly expressing my emotional state of “I want to die.” And like I’m like deathly terrified that they’re going to leave, even if it’s unreasonable. My own past life mental health stuff has been fucking with me for awhile now. And my partner is taking time away from social stuff because he doesn’t feel social. And it’s low key eating me up inside cause of a lot of things. And I’ve no bloody idea what to do. At all. So yeah that’s fun. Not really but y’know.

It seems like the way the world is going, it would be good to have my exit plan to hand, even if I don’t use it straight away. Then, if someone somewhere decides that nuclear war would actually be a grand idea, I can peace out before things get truly gnarly. I have no desire to try and survive through a  nuclear holocaust.

I’m pretty sure I have enough money to obtain my preferred substance, but it would take a lot of work to track down a reliable seller, and I’m hopelessly naïve with that kind of shit. I’m also worried about attracting the attention of […]

Many of you may not be old enough to remember a time before Internet. I am sadly one of those old bastards that can remember what life was like before the dawn of the internet promising to write checks its ass couldn’t cash.
Brought about with it’s promises to simplify and make our lives easier. Promises and hopes of being more connected with friends and family.

Promises that were a load of shit. While I don’t know that I would necessarily want to go back to pre-internet and smart phone days, I can’t deny life was sweeter. And yes, it could just be my perception.

Social Media […]

Dont fucking ever throw away your future for other people. Even if theyre making it out like they can’t fucking do it without you and will fucking crash their fucking car or hang themselves no matter how much fear and anxiety they make you feel over it it’s not fuckign worth it and they will probably be just fucking fine without you anyway if you need to do your own fucking thing have your own space and save your own future. That and blood means fucking nothing are the two bits of fucking wisdomit’s learned here, even if it was way too fucking late. Take […]

don’t have id fuck you no work for you not even the fucking shady shit you used to be able to do either now but also fuck you for not working even though you fucking keep looking for some way to work and keep getting fucked over because you can’t fcuking produce all the fucking paper and crap this goddamn governemnt wants you to just to prove youre a fucking real person because that fucking proof was taken from you the better part of a fucking decade ago now along with everything else while you were being a spineless fucking toy FUCK YOU WORTHLESS SUBHUMAN […]

Tw: mentions of SA, ODing, etc.

Well. It’s been quite the fucking year. And gods do I hate myself. I’m going to start it off with the main thing. When I was 18 1/2 or so I started dating this 40 year old piece of trash. And my mother knew that he was practically a pedophile. Like a step away from crossing the line. He’s currently out of jail and shit. But I just feel absolutely fucking disgusted with myself. And my mother didn’t say shit, in fact she was jealous over the entire thing. Fucking jealous. And then not long after I learned what happened with […]

I wonder what it’s like to have a normal relationship with food, to not have your every waking thought be about food. I went to the doctor to change my antidepressant and I had went from 170 to 191 in two months, and I wasn’t even taking the antidepressant so that’s not to blame I’ve always been like this. I don’t do normal teen things, I don’t go out much, I don’t talk to boys, I don’t even go to school anymore and it all comes down to my weight. It’s always I’ll eat what I want today and starve tomorrow but it’s like tomorrow […]

You abused the fuck out of me and didn’t even care. You deserve death. I was a minor. Goodbye forever. Yours truly your son. I’m not committing suicide. I however will never love and care about you ever again.

When I was around 12 I made my biggest attempt , life was so awful and nasty ,

had to move to Kiyv because of my father’s work , it was pretty cool but i was very far from my family who stayed in Novoboriisk , ofc i had to change school but i had 1 friend in there : Nykola .

I was in a bad mood since several days already , moving made it worse !

September 1st came really quickly , i wasn’t very happy bc Nykola wasn’t in my class ;-;

I started cutting myself two weeks after and i completly stopped eating other thing […]

To live, to suffer, to pray for it all to end.

To live some pathetic lie, that everythings fine. When in the end you will die. Everyone will die.

To endure, only to break.  A neverending hurt, with everything, and nothing at stake.

There is only one escape now. To leave, never come back. Leave this hell called the world, fading into black.

To end, just to end it all.

-sorry, ik this sucks lol. I’ll blame my sleep deprivation rather than my shitty writing skills. I’m not okay.

I refrained from posting last night, because I thought I had a therapy appointment today…. and I did, it just was occupied entirely by treatment plan review. How this works is that I spend about half an hour entering answers to the same psychological screeners I’ve been doing for 15 years, then spend my entire therapy session talking about my answers.

Which means that today, my first therapy appointment in a month, was spent entirely doing the state’s business.

I gripe about it, though I know that paperwork is why I get free drugs and therapy…. I guess I’m saying that if someone is known to be […]