How fucked is the world we live in today?
These days I can say that I am:
One of the few that haven’t been sexually abused
One of the few that haven’t had a knife pulled on them
And I am
One of the many that have an eating disorder
One of the many that self harm
One of the many that have tried to kill themselves
We live in a society today where so many people and especially at young ages are suffering or experiencing such traumatic things.

Angry gets shit done.

That’s my new motto.

Exit, and devastate those I care about. Somehow overcome the fear of death. Face the possibility of some worse punishment beyond.

Or try to find some way to stick around for another 20+ years, as my body continues to deteriorate, and the pain grows. Find some way to survive in a world I don’t want to be in. Endure the constant anxiety and exhaustion, as contentment becomes an ever more distant memory.

This is a recipe for depression. There is no hope. Things are bad, and they will get worse.

All you can hope to do is limit the suffering along the way. But your suffering, or the […]

Nobody knows the shit I’ve done to myself nobody will see nobody will come nobody will know anything there’s something inside me pull me out of my skin I want to die I want to die I can’t hear anything I can’t remember anything I can’t I hate myself I hate myself I hate I hate I hate I hate I wanted to say something nobody cares nobody in the world will accept me I can’t go anywhere the world has abandoned me and I just have to make it on my own over and over again my head is fucked I’ve gone […]

Why am I me, me? Why are you, you? Why is my life the way it is like it’s a predestined path? Why is yours the way it is? Why do I feel stuck regarding some things and I don’t have people in my life who understand and see things as I do?

Well, there was this movie I seen one time
About a man riding ’cross the desert and it starred Gregory Peck
He was shot down by a hungry kid trying to make a name for himself
The townspeople wanted to crush that kid down and string him up by the neck

Well, the marshal, now he beat that kid to a bloody pulp
As the dying gunfighter lay in the sun and gasped for his last breath
“Turn him loose, let him go, let him say he outdrew me fair and square
I want him to feel what it’s like to every […]

not sure what is life enymore about…

I am not sure should I WRIGHT ENYTING
I am just fedd up of all and idk why keep going ehn could end

Sometimes I wish you could be me so you can take all the pain away.

Still doing no better than before and now actually worse, I truly want to give up on life more than ever before. Covid19, Rioting, Looting, Vandalism, Murders, Children being raped while their rapists go free to commit the same crimes but all I see is arguing over who’s right and nothing is being done. I am still alone and I’m still the same fuckup I have always been. I was bullied physically always getting my ass kicked growing up. Those that went to school with me made fun of me or shunned me since I was different. Failed relationships with women who cheat and lied […]

What’s on my mind?

Honestly, right now i’m just in my own thoughts. Thinking about the past mostly. I sometimes dream about you. I dream about the hotel and how it’s become a place for me to call “home” when i’m Lucid. I dream constantly and i’ve mastered many techniques but I can still never conjure you. You only come when you please, which leads me to believe that when I DO see you, that it means something. I miss you, brother. When you visit me I mostly always forget that you’re gone, and If I do remember I don’t bring it up and I just […]

Not suicide related

Wouldn’t I only hope? Oh, wouldn’t I only hope? I don’t want to participate in this world. I don’t want to be part of it. I need new friends, I just sadly don’t really want any, nor do I want to spread my blight and misery to anyone else. I wonder why my ex still bothers to live, he quite clearly doesn’t like life and people don’t really want much to do with him. I can only say that he’s made himself lonely. He didn’t have to throw those friends away who disagreed with him on ‘coronavirus’. He didn’t have to throw away […]

Why is everything always a complicated disaster everywhere?

Currently homeless, my pos gf had her pos mom call the cops on me. I got court Oct 6 for domestic. I forgiven her 3 times for getting in trouble. Should of left the first time. Im fighting everyday to live and not having to struggle but i have too. Been wearing the sames clothes for like 4 days now. I have family i can visit but cant stay. I have a job orientation Tuesday to get myself out of this mess. You cant trust anybody. Get tf out of that toxic relationship even if you love them. Theyre gonna f you over and maybe […]

I miss the Outer Banks in NC…the stingrays swarming beneath the dock~ the massive ocean crashing. I wanna drive out there again

:)) :)) :))

i have a perfect plan. a plan so perfect i’m convinced the universe is telling me to do it. that my life will be worth more when i’m dead. that my sacred duty is to take my own life. nothing around me tells me otherwise. nothing is enough to hold me down. not anymore. to only thing left to do is release attachments, and make peace with death. then i’ll be free.

Friend’s a writer, has a book published, his dad’s a writer, a few books published, and now they have a new book out with excerpts from each member of the family. I’m so excited to get it in the mail. :3 Their grandma is signing it, which is heartfelt to me bc i went to their christmases years ago. that was the year d bought me a billy Joel cd and a bought me an elton john vinyl. the gma bought me pajama pants which was nice.

I still need to see the old friend. His second book is out and he wanted me to stop […]

I somehow need to overcome this impasse in myself. To either decisively end things, or to fully commit to survival. My current approach is the worst of all worlds – failing to function, exposing myself to ever greater pain and suffering.

My emotions are in a terrible state. They refuse to accept the reality I live in. But they also won’t accept leaving it once and for all.

Most days I am here, but not here. I’m always here to listen, to try and understand a perspective that is not my own. I sympathize deeply for I am a natural empath.. I’m like a level 3 empath and I don’t know if that is a curse or a blessing because sometimes I tap into other peoples self conscious way of thinking and it just annoys my anymore.. As if I don’t have my own tedious problems to worry about.

Usually, since my early 20’s i’ve been someone who really keep in shape (because I was obese growing up, and I was bullied, and humiliated […]