I am new to this site… I am not sure about things in life… And I don’t want to take the easy way out, but if i don’t find reassurance soon, I think I may.

It is nice to know there are still people who care in this world. There are not many, but that is better than none at all. If anyone feels the need to talk, or wants to know what my story is, I am here, I will always be here.

Growing up I was the happiest little kid possible. But I dont know if I was truly happy.
I was constantly lied to from the time I was born. Always told that I was Mexican and Black because thats what my mom said to me. So I told others that, I tried to fit in but then I found out the real truth in about 3rd grade. When my mom told me that I was really black and white  I went and told my friends. Worst mistake of my life. I was in 3rd grade and labled as the biggest lier possible

Nothing made it better. I was a woman in 3rd grade. I had boobs the size that teen age girls had and I was so little. Guys thought it would be okay to touch me. The older boys at school would touch me and I just seen it as playing around. I didnt catch on untill I was camping with a family friend. Me and him shared a tent together and thats when it happened. I was laying down for bed and I laid next to me like usual. I turned my back to him to fall asleep and slowly I felt his hand creep up the bottom of my shirt. Slower and slower all the way up until he had ahold of me. I turned on my back to tell him to stop and he put his hand over my mouth.  I laid there quiet I hated making him mad so I didnt say …

If I died today, if I finally did it, what would you say?

I didn’t know (that’s a lie).

I didn’t think she really would (that’s because you didn’t want to be bothered, to make time just to listen or help me).

How selfish (how selfish of you to be so absorbed in yourself not to at least call or to avoid me because I couldn’t be who you wanted me to be).

All she had to do was get medication (which I tried to do but cannot afford and can find no assistance programs for).

All she had to do was try harder (you have no idea how hard I did try or how many times I faked it for you).

Depression is real. People are cruel because they think since they can’t see a wound that it can’t be all that bad – that it’s imagined or someone just wanting attention. I woildn’t wish this feeling on anyone but for some, maybe just 24 miserable hours. Just so they can know.

Then, what would they say?

It may sound counterintuitive but I consider the wish to die to be a sign of hope. After all, what is that person saying other than, I HOPE that what comes after life, whether it be nothing or another life, is better than this one. It is the HOPE of something better which makes us reach for something else. Without that hope, what’s the point in dying?

And it must be hope that drives that wish as there is NO information on what happens after death. It may be that we simply cease. It may be that we experience an afterlife full of peace and love, where we finally get all the answers to all the questions we ever asked and feel connected and part of something in a way that we never experienced in life. Or, just as likely, we may end up in our worst day, forever. Never ending despair with not even the possibility or HOPE of getting out of it. Who knows? I know I don’t.

Like I said, it’s HOPE that makes you feel that death HAS to be better. The thing is, it doesn’t.

P.S. Feel free to ignore this post. Just my thoughts and, therefore, not important.

” What’s the use of a title”

They don’t make it
the beautiful die in flame-
suicide pills, rat poison, rope what-
ever…
they rip their arms off,
throw themselves out of windows,
they pull their eyes out of the sockets,
reject love
reject hate
reject, reject.

they don’t make it
the beautiful can’t endure,
they are butterflies
they are doves
they are sparrows,
they don’t make it.

one tall shot of flame
while the old men play checkers in the park
one flame, one good flame
while the old men play checkers in the park
in the sun.

the beautiful are found in the edge of a room
crumpled into spiders and needles and silence
and we can never understand why they
left, they were so
beautiful.

they don’t make it,
the beautiful die young
and leave the ugly to their ugly lives.

lovely and brilliant: life and suicide and death
as the old men play checkers in the sun
in the park.

One of the last times I confessed to a person that I wanted to commit suicide, this is the reply I received.

Additional discussion proved that this Bukowski’s poem so gently sent to me wasn’t meant to indicate any sort of acceptance of my decision, but it just stated that I wasn’t meant to die young, as my place in the world is definitely the one of the “ugly”, of the “old man playing chess in the park”.

I have been walking on a dead line and fighting deadlines I purposely created for a very long time. It is going to be 12 years in a couple of months.

Spending twelve years wishing to die when you are about to turn 19 means that you spent the …

Hi all, i tried the helium exit bag method last night after finally two weeks of being terrified of doing it and not being able to, anyway it didnt work obviously (either that or im now in some kind of terrible coma)

i brought two party balloon sets from Amazon both with enough to fill 50 balloons i also made a exit bag from following some youtube videos so thought it was going to work,

I put on two music albums an hour long each, so that i would have something playing in the background so that i didnt panic too much when i was going to start,

I empted the bag of air turned on both the gas canisters then breathed out and pulled the bag over my head and tightened the cord around my neck, i didnt pass out at all and kept taking the deepest of breaths that i could for nearly 45 mins then the fucking gas ran out! the only thing i got out of this is a bag filled with sweat droplets one hell of a sore throat and a runny nose,

im so fucking pissed off and upset i cant even kill myself yet alone live,

ive also got a canister of pure nitrogen which ive had for over a year but i cant get the gas to flow out of the regulator to work properly so i brought the helium because i was too scared of the nitrogen regulator exploding in my face or blowing my arms off, im going to try again with the nitrogen i just hope it works im sick of this place and just want …

I wrote a poem about what bullying did to me, what kind of effect it had on me. How it felt for me. Like the part that they took away my childhood. This poem has a lot of meanings for me, it’s really special.

You stole my heart,
you stole my mind.
You stole my happiness,
you stole my love.
You took away everything I had,
and now I’m broken,
bruised and scarred.
You’re a thief,
you’re a criminal.
But you won’t hurt me again,
’cause I’ve got a thicker skin.
I’m stronger and braver.
But you stole the little girl inside of me…

Written by myself

i tried to kill myself. more than once actually. i was put in the hospital for 3 weeks. and while i was in there i was happy. i was that happy and excited kid i was before depression took over me. but as soon as i got out everything went back to the way it was before. my mom and dad scream and yell at me all the time, they make me feel worthless, and they make me just want to run away and never look back. My brother lives in a different city and i haven’t talked to him in a long time. me and my sister are close i guess. but i don’t tell her how i feel. and honestly i think she wants to die and just be done with this whole family, and it kills me even more to think about loosing her. my cousin suffers with depression and has told me she thinks about ending it all. she’s 10. she absolutely should not be feeling like that. i have told her mom about it, but she is to busy with her other daughter to even pay any attention. if she ever hurt herself i wouldn’t know what to do. i hate depression. i have a pretty messed up life. i’m in grade 9. i’m not getting any credits this year. and i don’t talk to any of my friends i had last year, or even a few months ago. so i’m alone. with this sickness. that i never thought i …

hi my name is umair ad i am 21 years old my story of life is very unique when i was 5 year old my cousin said me that she loves me she was just 4 years old and now our love is 17 years old this is very strange we started to love each other when we did not know the meaning of love but i think we started to love because we born for each other i was living very happy life with her but at the start of this year my cousin told me  that her parents are looking for a good boy to marry with her i became frustrated and i told my mother that i love my cousin but she say i will never allow you to marry her she is not a good girl .but the fact is that my mother met with her just one time and i know her from 17 years i know she is the best girl i ever saw but today my mom says even if you die i will never allow you to marry her i am very dippers ed i love my mother she is very good but i cant leave my love i did not tell my love that my mother is not supporting her instead i told her that  my mother will come to your home to talk to your parents after 2 years .i am very sad i lied to her for the first time in my life because i can not see …