Hi. Googling what I feel and suddenly found this blog. This is good. Perhaps it can be my safe place. Been searching for that for a while. I’m 26 y/o this year. In November 2018, I get into a huge fight with my parents and decide to run away from my house. At first, I stay at my friend’s house. But after considering too many things since I’m a female and my friend has a brother, I found a house to rent. So until Aildilfitri 2019, I finally came home. One of the reasons because my father has been calling me since my cousin dies […]

I’ve been away from home for going on a month now. I left my wife and children to come to missouri to help my mother care for my terminally ill father.
Since I’ve been here I have not taken any medications. Nothing for depression, anxiety, Borderline personality disorder, PTSD, high blood pressure, gout, arthritis, you get the idea. I’ve also been doing door dash to make money on the side, which makes my arthritis hurt even more(it’s in my knees and my feet, which have been deformed since birth).
So I’ve been off the psychiatric meds for going on a month. I’ve been doing ok, […]

I’ve been in contact with my oldest sister quite a bit recently.  She’s done a LOT over the years to help me out, but since I left our hometown, we’ve grown distant.  The conversations she and I have had recently and the way she has responded to me have brought back memories of why I couldn’t wait to leave home and distance myself from my family.  My sister is a kind person, as I said she has done a lot for me, her little brother, but it’s all coming back to me these past two months as she and I have been in contact with […]

My friend was showing me places they’d like us to go to in Japan last night. They were beautiful, sounded lovely. Nearly cried though realizing those dreams and plans won’t come to fruition. I’ll likely end it before then, still having those dreams as husks of aspirations as I randomize my grey matter.

It seems that like on my “good days” I’m a pessimist and on my “bad days” I reach my breaking point, turn into a full nihilist, lose my sanity and laugh at the very notion that my life has any value or deserves anything good. I can’t ignore the fact that nothing we do matters or that on a geological or cosmic scale we are utterly meaningless. So why should we view ourselves as having any value because I certainly can’t seem to do that no matter what other people tell me. Whenever someone tells me that my life is valuable I have to fight […]

I’m having a hard time lately. Dropped a bomb on my best friend of 7 years that I had feelings for her. We talked extensively every night afterwards for a couple months. Broke up with her boyfriend, gave me JUST ENOUGH to stay optimistic and now she’s with my friend because she feels that he is the one. I only want what’s best for her and so I brought up my friend (E) to my best friend (D) and they went on their first date yesterday. I don’t know what I was thinking but I did it to myself. I bought a genesis coupe before […]

I went to the ward again. My mother was so sad. I feel like I’m at least fighting for my life and I’m seeking help before it gets bad. I think it’s awfully that I made her cry. But what was I supposed to do? I’ve been researching methods and thinking about suicide a lot. I knew it was time to go back. I don’t feel suicidal at the moment. I feel hopeful. I just want to succeed. That’s all I want. I wonder why God is so against that.

they seldom had a name or a face.  they knew everything about me but i knew nothing about them.  their anonymity versus my specificity.  no name, no face.  just words, just abuse.  they offered me nothing but threats and love that was a falsity.  once caught in the first one’s trap, i was left wounded like a fox in the jaws of a bear trap.  with bone showing and flesh cut away, it made me easier to catch.  it weakened me.  then came the next hunter, the next predator.  and the next.  and the next.  unachievable is my justice as they remain nameless, faceless.

I am beyond annoyed right now. Ever since we have been here the people who work at this shelter have treated us like we deserve to be punished for bein homeless. I spoke with the director here about my autistic son and his dietary needs n how he was starving here. So he put on our file that its okay if i supply my kids with their own food/drink. Well the 2nd shift women are now angry at this and are holding my kids food n drinks hostage because theyre like he cant have it unless u share it with every1. Like 1. I dont […]

I just moved out of my apt a few months back because several neighbors in the past were asses (had to endure 4 different asses over a span of 1.5 years). As if THAT pain wasn’t enough, I recently moved into a house (it’s not a rental so I can’t just leave and go elsewhere), and the neighbor to my left makes SO much noise. Which pisses not only me off, but pisses the neighbor on my right.

When the asshats on my left make noise, the ppl on the right retaliate and make noise. And then the asshats make more […]

and…. nothing. Not even my stomach hurts, let alone kill me. The thing fizzled in my mouth and while it did feel funny I was not hurt. What a waste of a napkin.

They weren’t wrong when they called me an idiot for this behaviour, can’t believe this is going to be my first post after stalking this website accountless for years.

The only thing I fear more than life is death. Or more specifically, what might lie beyond. Things would have to be utterly terrifying here for that leap in the dark to seem preferable. It could easily get that bad, but until then I’m stuck. I’m suffering, and in pain, and I hate it. I’ll complain,  ***** and moan, struggling with myself, desperate looking for some way out. But I won’t actually do the one thing that would end it all. Not until my future in this world is so scary that death seems easier. Fear is everything in my life.

For some reason, I have so much anger and fury in me that I just can’t shake off. Angry at my parents, angry at my sisters, angry at my friends, but mostly, angry at myself. Why can’t I just be stable when so many other people in the world could do that? Why do we all have to be suffering this much? Now, I’m a Muslim so I believe that Allah (that’s what we call God) doesn’t give a person more than what they could handle in life but this is all so exhausting and just drowning (depression, anxiety, my eating disorder, and phonophobia), it’s […]

I want to make this thread, to gather people like me, who probably considering suicide because “i’m being a burden to others”. Other people that want to talk about the topic but don’t actually have that personal experience are also welcome.

For me? I felt that i have been a huge burden for my family, I’m the first kid in my family (male), i have a little sister in highschool, i’m still in college, but i have somewhat realized that i’m incompetent at times, can’t make any money, and just generally being a burden and a nuisance for my parent. I’m not “The Perfect Kid” That’s […]

My current mental state has me on the verge of messaging the crisis text line again. I wonder what exactly I expect them to do. I can pour out my thoughts and feelings, but what is the solution to this debilitating condition? That’s rhetorical, I know all the answers and nothing has worked, so why bother.

If there is anything that might help me, maybe it’s meds or some real therapy, but those didn’t work in the past so I’m just being optimistic, and neither are easy enough access for me to care to figure out.

I want to die so badly but the world […]

Has anyone watched this movie? It’s on Netflix. I re-watched it 2 nights ago and it’s quite interesting. Would love to discuss this movie with people who have watched it (or will watch it). I definitely recommend it, especially since we’re all depressed and want to die. No this movie doesn’t have to do with depression- it’s the opposite actually.

So everyone is trapped in this room and it’s killing people off one at a time, every 2 minutes. It appears only ONE person can make it out alive, and they’re all clamoring to live. And trying to decide […]

When is It ever enough.

My choices in how I progress in education and job career are Concerning to others. “Lazy”? Having a Job is more than enough, paying my own bills is more than enough. An Average Joe I am, Hear me Roar! I save well with my earning’s yet I would agree with others My job is un-challenging and the pay isn’t great. But hey it keep’s me busy and that’s the whole point right? It keeps you sane.

I’m not one with risk taking. How I’ve gotten here was pure luck and being in do or die situations. Forced to change. To […]

I thought I wouldn’t be on here again. You may know me by a different username. It’s been 8 years. I thought I was healed, lifted from the darkness that consumed every ounce of light around me. When I used this site regularly, I thought there was no hope. So when I actually did get out of the hole, I felt so free. So happy. So full of light. I couldn’t believe it! Trust me when I do say, that it IS possible. It IS possible to get through whatever you’re going through. I’ve been there.
But no one will warn you of falling back […]

The last thing I heard before waking up crying. They’re right. Things were ok, not likely to get better, only worse. Had been running from monsters and disturbing structures all night. A beautiful dawn and a sense of silent peace. A good time to die, a dawn to end all nights.

Im scared but also excited to find sharper things to cut with. why am I scared? Maybe because im unsure of what damage sharper things will do. I wish i could stop thinking about it. but at the same time I dont want to stop doing it. although its not as bad as other people i guess.