Hi all. Anyone here who remembers me? Used to come here alot back in the day. That in the title used to be my username but I don´t like it anymore. I still am quite pathetic but calling yourself pathetic is REALLY pathetic. That means that every time you call yourself pathetic you are actually right. Think about that. But its a cyclic definition, a definition that defines itself, which by logic is wrong. I think depression in general is a lot like that. A cycle, loophole logic error in the brain that creates itself and justifies itself. That is why I think it´s hard […]
honestly i want to focus on myself and focus on my mental health so i just dropped all my friends one by one in the kindest way possible. i dont know if this was a good decision or not since i mean alot to some of them but honestly sometimes i hate them and sometimes i dont. they do shitty things and make me want to not talk to them but unless i actually ghost them i cant hold a grunge and completely stop talking to them. most of them didnt care anyways so its fine but idk if i did the right thing
everyone was gone today. they told me yesterday that they were going out. i made a plan then and there.
i was stupid. it was so dumb, the reason i failed.
i couldn’t make it out of the fucking house. between all the blood loss and not being able to afford to refill my prescriptions and not having the will to eat for the last couple of days, I could barely even physically make it to the door, scrabbling along the floor. i passed out and vommed from the attempt.
i couldn’t do it in the house, i can’t leave behind that sort of mess for them. i […]
Interesting to me how anticipation and fear are essentially the same emotion; terror. Notably artist Andy Warhol of Campbell’s Tomato Soup painting fame was considered a “holy terror” by his contemporaries. He outraged, everybody was on pins and needles to see what he might do next.
I digress because even writing about this hurts. For two weeks I have known about what is coming in the morning, a scant eleven hours from when I write this; someone important is coming into town; my four up boss. Explaining – I have a supervisor, who gets the final word about what I do. Her supervisor directs the entire […]
Last night, my parents were yelling at each other and I heard it all because my room is directly over where they were (they were downstairs either in the laundry room or in the bedroom next to the laundry room) and I just needed them to shut the fuck up because I was getting really triggered and I knew that I would have an anxiety attack after so right then and there, I put on my airpods and BLASTED music so their voices would drown out for me (it worked and I thankfully didn’t have an anxiety attack). I’m kinda scared they won’t be able […]
Where’s everyone gone? Anyone know of other sites like this one?
i knew it was coming
i felt the urge to cut again
and i tried so hard to keep it in
to distract myself
but i couldn’t
and as i sit here with blood gushing out my leg
i feel like im where i belong
that this is what i deserve
what they all want from me
are you happy now?
when I was 6 and I wanted to die I told myself that if we could just make a little longer we would find a forever family and not be stuck in that forsaken group home anymore.
when I was 9 and I wanted to die I told myself that the little ones needed me to protect them, so I had to make it a little longer. until they knew how to protect themselves.
when I was 11 and I wanted to die I knew it meant my younger sibling would become the new scapegoat so I had to make it a little longer.
when I was 12 […]
Living:
– can read more fanfic
– pay back the woman who’s been housing me during the pandemic
– play animal crossing
– post fanart online and read the comments
– make the animatic
– jack off
– eat meat
– still have the chance to get thinner
– listen to my partner’s plans for their au
– attend conventions again, someday
– sing along to music, loud+alone
Dying:
– I won’t be cognizant of anyone perceiving me
– I will not have to figure out how pay anyone back
– never have to interact with my parents again
– not stuck in this fucking body anymore
– […]
Loneliness is killing me, if it didn’t already. So I’m trying to contact some old friends, because why not.? New people are assholes. All of them. Seriously. All. Of. Them. I’ve gained no new friends or even acquaintances. They’re unsocial, or at least towards me.
Maybe my depression is spooking everyone, even though I’m constantly laughing. My heart hurts so much with this heaviness, while being completely hollow. Anatomically impossible. I can’t take this any longer.
Some nights I lay awake and have an argument with my inner demons, whether I should just simply get up and kill myself. I should’ve responded with: Yes. Because it would’ve […]
i spent a few hours on this site looking at posts as much as 10 years old. if someone posted something optimistic, especially if they said they found help and things were looking good, then i would look at their follow up posts. in every case, they come back sometimes years later saying they’re back at rock bottom. this site is an interesting time machine and bullshit detector. im sure they meant it at the time but IN EVERY CASE they always come back saying life gets worse. the only sucess stories seem to be the ones who say theyre gonna kill themselves and then […]
You guys ever have good days?
I went to the hospital to see if my thoughts for not existing are true and one thing i remember is a theripist there told us we are the ceo of ourselves so that means we can close up and shutdown when we want to and then i was helping someone to pay for rent and he got mad because i wasnt right in the head at the time and i kept fantasizing about putting my neck in the saw blade so i stopped to try to fix my head space (the stuff being cut wasnt needed for another month and it would only take […]
Not suicide related
I really really really really want to be gone. You know you’ve got no purpose and no point in life when you feed your money into a poker machine over and over again.
Or play keno all day.
Sorry don’t mean to boast about money here. At this rate I’ll soon have none anyway.
Can’t help but think that the people working where I gamble think I’m the biggest idiot ever (here is a fact though: workers in such places are not allowed to comment on individual gamblers. Workers have been sacked for telling gamblers that they are addicted, another was sacked for […]
The first time I wore make-up, my great aunt looked at me and said, ” >:( You look like a damned prostitute”
I was 8, and I’m sure I did…- what gets me is how long I sat there and argued that I wasn’t wearing make-up at all.. I wore the appearance of a dead-clown carcass- a real-life Joan Rivers. I really lost that argument. For shame!
Breaking into my mom’s crap for the first time… Forgot about Cheryl.
thank you for your service —-
Does anyone have any advice or tips for hiding cuts. I really dont want anyone to see them and get any more worried. All I do now is wear long sleeved shirts. I shaved my wrists and its pretty obvious so sometimes people pull it down to see how much i shaved i guess? or whatever other reason they have. Maybe there is no advice for this and Im just awaiting the inevitable. this sucks. hope whoever reads this is doing ok.
Finals are comming. Like everything its a lose lose scenario. If i fail the finals Im just a piece of shit and a total burden to anyone, parasyte sucking off my parents at 21 years of age with no results. If I pass nothing changes and my shitlife continues and Im gonna spend another minimum 3 years in this house till I finish college IF IT GOES WELL. Fking bright future!
I had nightmares last night after long time (I smoke pounds of weed daily so no dreams anymore usually). I was very depressed today. Cried at one point. I would like a girl […]
to be happy, healthy and productive? And not depressed af, a non-productive mess, and well…us?
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