Is fake
Is media chaos
Covid 19 a government sponsored virus

It’s tearing people apart

The endlessness of it all is nauseating

I just want to be strong like I was a few years back to try and attempt again

I’m fucking exhausted

I’m alone
I’m tired

I’m done

I wasn’t supposed to be alive on my 19th birthday , I’ve been trying to kill Myself since I was 11 & told myself i need to be dead by the time I turn 18th I failed so many times but then it got to the point where I would have to stop attempting because I would just fail & it seem that No matter what I tried nothing worked. It got to the point that I would have to stop trying to kill Myself because I had to work the next day so the only thing I could do is cry myself to sleep. […]

Holy shit. Ok, so let me start with this long-ass story about how I am and why I deserve to die finally.

Rewind 15 years ago:

“Young love does not exist”. This was a sentence I read, carved on an oak wooden table by some teenager who did not even know what they wrote.
Teachers would warn me about playing too much, and wasting my years away, how it all would make us fail.

Fast forward 15 years, and here I am as a 31-year-old creature, I guess, with nothing to be proud of. I see an empty face in the mirror, a face I do not know anymore. […]

Just because I like to be a little dark does not mean you can criticize me and say I should change.

I embrace this side of me wholeheartedly. It doesn’t stop me from being a pure white lily if that’s what I want to be. Me having dark thoughts doesn’t mean I don’t want to be blessed. Or that it’s necessarily fucking evil of me.

I’m fairly new to my neighborhood… Lol I bought my house a little over a year ago. The other day, I received a letter from the “Church of the Nazarene” with my full first middle and last name requesting that I try out their services etc…

It’s kind of creepy, honestly. The sender didn’t leave their name, but it was probably a pastor. Because it was so personal, I doubt anyone else received one. I don’t really mind the annoying mail, but now I’m tempted to hang a pride flag, perhaps it will cease the smug mail. I have a good rapport with almost all of […]

I can’t breathe.
I woke up & I can’t seem to catch my breath.
It’s like something at the lump of my throat squeezing every inch of me.
Wanting to take all the good I have left in me.
Wanting to take all my will from me.
Do I keep gasping for air or surrender my last breathe?

It’s not as bad as it was before but there is never a week that goes by without me questioning whether I’m even worth anything to anyone around me. For a time I truly believed that I wasn’t worth anything and that I was a nuisance to everyone around me and that the world didn’t need me. I’ve seen all these online articles about how the world needs you when you’re questioning your worth but during this time I felt that the world would have been better off without me as that would’ve been one less resource sucking carbon-emitting sack of organic molecules. I’ve heard […]

I was being prepared for surgery and while in post op getting prepped with the IV’s I silently prey, hope, ask for, beg, to simply go to sleep and not awaken. I just want this to stop, be over, no more, kaput. I simply give up. My only debacle that haunts me is that when that “no more” is true I wont know the joy of this being over. So be it. Off please. I just cant get a grip anymore. I give up and i’m done.
3

when does it get better?
I’ve been waiting for it to get better and I truly do hope things get better for myself and everyone around me, but seriously I’ve been waiting and waiting around for life to get better… so when does it?
when will people stop leaving?
I know people come and go but all these people seem to do is leave… they’re all like tourists. they’ll stay for a week or so, love it, hate it, and then leave it. leave me.
where can I go to be okay?
why does it seem like everywhere I go, it always seems like I’m […]

is anybody here more tired than me?

Hey there lovely fellas, I’m new 😀

Cuz well, to be honest I don’t know what to do any more, where to go and … I don’t know, exist?
I’ve been struggling with sadness (maybe depression but I have no idea actually), anxiety, panic, self-loathing and some other minor issues for several years; last year had a bit of an up as I was in another country; new environment, new start, but this year’s been a hell of a down. Mostly due to Corona I suppose, thanks for that, you damn virus. Also I’ve lost the one I’ve been holding on to, my anchor basically you […]

I feel like we idolize life to be this perfect thing. That it has to feel like a scripted movie or we are not satisfied. I constantly go back and forth of thinking that I expect too much or I am not doing enough. I crave this connection with people. You know when you meet someone and all the emotions and sentences seems to flow so  easily. That spark of connection with a human where you can feel the comfort and urge to want to know more. I’ve come so far from my depression and have tried not to relapse in my mental health. I […]

Days go by and you can notice how it is approaching, every day a little bit more, and you just pretend nothing happens. Day after day, night after night you see the storm getting near and you stay, after all the fear is gone. What are you waiting for?? RUN!!! Cover yourself, run as fast as you can, it’s not possible to win. You could ask for help, but the feeling is somewhat familiar, in fact you know it all too well and you just stare, expecting it will slowly absorb you…. no hunger at all, an insomniac state, cold you can’t shiver away, a […]

all of my rules and shit just because i have anxieties. i know im just scared of losing him but this really isnt fair to him. i hate myself

I can’t keep up with my own self my own feelings my own needs and my own mistakes. I was born in a different country from my wishes. I can’t figure if I believe in god or not while am from a Muslim family and I drink and I lost my virginity and I smoke and do everything I was raised not to do. I even tried gay sex and I have to say I never enjoyed any of them even alit bit. I even thought am asexual but I get excited about sex but I don’t enjoy it when I do it… I feel […]

I need a change. Something different. I’m working extra to take her and her mom to Hawaii. With this, I’m making great money, but emotionally I’m missing out on visiting people I care about. Her, too. I want her to make friends but she insists she isn’t interested. Lately her anxiety has built up. she would rather walk in extreme heat than take a taxi on the excuse that it’s a waste of money. Not buying it. Im not sure how to encourage her. She has borderline personality disorder and can’t bear just a weekend to herself with friends and family. I don’t get tired […]

i remember the way i felt when i was younger, i remember how i would feel when i would go on family trips or go to the toy store. in that moment i felt alive. lately my life has seemed bleak and empty, i mean it has felt this way for a while but usually some moments in life tend to mask that feeling. i feel like i am just a shell of a person and that i don’t matter to anyone, whenever people say i matter i know that’s just bullshit because if i did people would check up on me, people would call […]

I fantasize about forgoing relationships and focusing on my random projects, thats where i feel in my element. It also sounds dangerous, giving that I get that “me vs all of them” mentality when I cut people off. What if I have another psychotic break. Realisticly everyone needs someone to turn to, I just wish I knew how to associate with the right people that won’t lead me down the wrong path.

I finally found something im passionate about, something that keeps me sane, keeps the bad thought away. i found something in gardening that put me at peace. gave me the motivation to wake up and look forward to something. some may not understand this, but it is my therapy. and today my father said, “you tell us every time theres a new leaf, every little thing.” and to me that was a real big slap in the face with a “we dont care, shut up.” I dont understand why cant anyone just be happy for me. all day i sit there and i listen to […]

Meh. I wish i had a Victoria’s secret model body.