So I just got out of inpatient like maybe a week and a half ago and I’m feeling a bit better. Still sad and shit but better. Now I have motivation to do things

Boyfriend is very stressed and at the point of a mental breakdown. He might go inpatient. I’m scared of losing him and as much as I might not want him to go inpatient, if he needs to go I want him to go. Rn my primary stress is catching up on schoolwork and worrying about my bf. I’m just scared of losing him.

I can’t even get hired for a 12 hr job part time. I’ve been dumped and he says over and over he just wants me out of his life. He is my only human connection. I have no home furnishings and no one wants to rent to someone with no job. He thinks it’s my bad attitude and that I am mental. He thinks there’s programs to help house and employ me.

He was giving me until the 30th but today I saw on his bank account he spent 75 on flowers for someone whose life is already awesome. He looks at me with disgust. I’ve […]

i’m done. i’m so unbelievably and inexplicably done. everywhere i turn i’ve got people telling me what’s wrong with me. i know i’m cold. i know i’m detached. i know i’d rather saw my own leg off than trust someone and i know i’m fucking mentally ill. so fucking what?  people try to fix me left and right but there’s nothing to fucking fix. “this isn’t who you are” how the fuck would you know who i am? how the fuck would you know what i have going on inside my head? i am who i am. this is who i am. i’m never gonna […]

Its funny. People might say suicide is the easy way out but one has to question:

Have you really been through enough to qualify saying that? And even if you have are you this specific person going through what theyre going through, feeling the way they do? I think not, and you never will. You can NEVER really say whats “easy” if you dont really know, now can you?

And the funniest part? People will still try to fucking argue it, even when they have no idea.

I love it when people stutter over their anwer/repeat themselves/or just plain having nothing to say. You clearly have no idea […]

down time is recuperative, because only then can I start to see the big picture, how I’ve followed instructions and made the best decision based on current data, and failed. The factor that I never accounted for is this; a no win scenario.

My motivation is such that I have to be entirely convinced that my work helps others, that I am not part of the system that has chewed me up and spit me out. I don’t see a job like that out there, and because I’m a man I’m socialized to equate my economic status with self worth.  There is no right path, and […]

Back when everything shut down, millions of people were having their life at their worst; but for me in only made me better. I stopped taking my meds because I no longer needed them, and I knew that I wouldn’t have to make contact with anybody for a while; it was the best mental break for me. The whole year I was happy spending my senior year of high school at home not having to make face to face contact with anybody. Now summer is over and I started college in person, and boy did I remember how much I hated school and all the […]

I survived my last attempt. However, im going to try again tonight. Wish me luck

If you could get drunk with any animal and talk to them which animal would it be?

I worked for an attorney who was nothing more than a liar and a bully. It’s a long story, but the summary of it is this: I texted the attorney because there was an issue with a client. He called me back screaming and cursing at me. He was saying such cruel things. Telling me that he didn’t give a “f…” about my “itty bitty feelings.” He knows I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and PTSD. (my little girl was murdered). He continued screaming and cursing at me for over 5 minutes. Now he has lied to the Unemployment office telling them that I walked […]

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Today i want to high light ”respect”…something that is very important to me, which i assume applies to everyone us…we’d all like to be treated with respect. However i’ve noticed that i’m receiving less respect compared to 6 years ago. Well allot has changed in 6 years, with one big change being that i came out as a woman at 19 years old (i am transgender).

I’m starting to wonder if the lack of respect i’m receiving has anything to do with me now being in a feminine body…you see before coming out I’ve never had strangers sexually touch me without my consent, like grabbing my […]

One thing that really helped me to relieve the depression is micro dosing Cubensis or Magic Mushrooms. The last batch I used as medicine also had Lion’s Mane stacked together. I was pleasantly surprised at how much better I felt after a microdose.

I am also attracted to having an Ayahuasca healing session. I have heard many good things about Ayahuasca – like one session was worth ten years of sessions with a therapist. I never saw any value in burdening another human with the dark thoughts that haunt me.

It seems like Mother Earth has the medicine for us whenever we are ready to […]

Are there alternative versions of me out there in the multiverse? Ones that are sleeping contentedly in this moment, without this gaping hole inside? Ones that did some of the things I wish I’d done, and avoided the things I wish I hadn’t?

I need some way to hack into those alternate realities, and transplant myself into one. Any mad/genius scientists who happen to be reading and have a plan, I volunteer. God, to just wake up and find it was all a bad dream! That I wasn’t this pathetic isolated emotional cripple. To not be this insanely alone anymore.

Of course the simpler solution would be […]

there’s two sides to the battle going on inside my head

one side is the innocent little girl who got robbed of her childhood, handing me a match, trying to light my way through the darkness

and the other side is the girl who’s demons are taking over, using the match to light a cigarette and screaming at me to mark my skin one. more. time.

i could always use another blistering reminder of what happened that day

I realize that this title is in use somewhere out there, but this rant/essay will deal ONLY with my feelings and me. Nothing else, in my world I consider others independent NPCs, I don’t need to understand them any more than I have to.

I had something blow up in my face. Specifically, I suddenly became unable to give myself the promised reward for my work earlier in the week. How did that happen? Read on.

I’ve been on a quest to get my house clean and organized. It’s thankless work, but it really needs to be done so trudge on I do. Often, I’ll use little […]

25 years. At this point, I don’t have the energy to even write. I’m not allowed to think. I’m not allowed to sleep. I’m a mindless drone that spends every cursed second of his life working like a slave for the benefit of those I hate. I’ve held on this long, because I held out hope that one day, things would change. One day, maybe I would be free. One day, maybe life would be fair to me, and give me a chance for a change. I’ve been chained to these hateful people since the day I was born, and I thought maybe one day […]

I have a big psychology test on Saturday. I worry that I won’t pass because it’s a lot of information and I simply don’t know if I can learn it all. I need to pass this class, i feel so stupid so weak so idiotic. I hope studying pays off but I’m so tired. Nobody tells you how worn out schizophrenia leaves you. I’m treated but the meds keep me down right tired. I’ve been drinking espresso. But that only helps a little so I’m drinking NOS as well. I just want to pass. Is that me asking for too much from 1

Sigh…

I don’t see how I won’t have depression when I’ve had it for 34 years.
I don’t see how “things will get better” when things have NOT gotten better, only worse, the last 15 years.

Are we doomed to be chronically depressed until we die?
That seems to be the case.

Like how many people (%) have eliminated depression for good?
All I hear are people who have been depressed and stay chronically depressed, and those who have depressed that comes and goes, but it always comes back at some point. Haven’t really heard many who went from depressed to happy and stayed content.

Im fed up with everything and everyone.

Im on therapy but after it I feel bad phisically bc Im trying to solve my biggest frustration in life: life itself.

Im not excited to go on. I wanna break up with my bf and kill myself.

My bf doesnt help me, he wants sex and dont care Im sick. I hate him.

i dont understand, i want help and push him as far away as i can…..