I probably have some type of trauma. Whenever I get confronted, I always try to escape somehow.

Because, in the end, I’m still that same kid running away from his bullies, hiding and crying. Skipping class for hours just because he’s scared of being beaten. So scared. So lonely. But he can’t talk to anyone, because even his parents hit him, scream at him. Teachers too. And his classmates avoid him because he’s weird. That’s the way I was, and still am. So scared, so lonely, so confused and sad and angry and unable to do anything about it because of how scared I am.
Maybe […]

A little bit of background.

So I’ve always been very lonely but spent my time on suicide sites. At first SP, then SS. All my friends are on SS. Do I miss them. Some killed themselves, some left to recover. But now, because of f$xters, I cant stay on SS, its being monitored. And I’m fucking lonely! I want to spend my time bitching on the chat like I used to, but I just cant. Well, thats what I do during the painful wait to get my method (which takes forever!). So, I’m stuck, alive and lonely.

I want to talk to people who are open to […]

I just don’t want to do this anymore. I would just rather die and have this all end. I dont give a crap about anything or anybody. I’m just so tired of all this, all I can think about is having this end. Problem is I’m still alive. Suicide by cop. Just might do that. Done.

Tell me, am I not enough?
I’m trying so hard, for you, and it’s still not good enough.

Why?

There are chains around my wrists and a noose around my neck, but i’m invisible.

Or worse, I’m completely visible, yet you choose to ignore me, time and time again.

It’s so manipulative how only after something terrible happens, you decide to jump in and play hero.

The only time you come is when it’s beneficial to you.

I will not allow you to try and squeeze yourself into a role like a puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit.

Not anymore.

I’m completely miserable now from what I’ve been through and what I’ve dealt […]

uhhh i am feeling echoes right now like the emotion of buzzing like tv static being projected onto an old classroom projector

here is the events i just can’t process them right now but i need to put them somewhere just to put them outside of my head

so my little brother decided to drop in for a surprise visit and i’m playing host

my partner decides to postpone the usual shit he does to have a conversation/hang out with my brother

i am sort of joining in on the conversation mostly listening but the three of us are chatting.

this is the most conversation i’ve had with […]

Well, I’m not a whore now. I moved. It’s a new place. Nobody knows me here. It’s a fresh start. I’ve got a job quick enough. Although it’s mind numbingly boring, and the pay is shit, I’m glad to be doing this. I do hope I get a night gig so my income stays the same. Some days I want to go back. It’s easier being a whore. And some days I think about home, and fel like I’m one step closer. Maybe I’ll visit someday soon. I’ll never admit it to their face, but I miss my family. They have no idea […]

I want to be happy.
I really, truly do.

Maybe its depression, or the anxiety, trauma, or my friends, or my family.
The world.

Or maybe it’s just me,
but as I laid in my bed this morning waking up from a restless sleep, I could hear my family in the kitchen.

Laughing together.
It was intoxicating.

I could hear their smiles and joy seeping under the crack of my door and beckoning me to join them.
But the problem is, I can’t join in on their laughter.
I’m unable to.

I want to so badly, but those little thoughts in the darker corners of my mind saying,
“They don’t […]

1. who is ***?
2. who is ***?
3. who is ***?
4. who is ***?
5. who is ***?
6. who is ***?
7. who is ***?
8. who is ***?
9. who is ***?
10. who is ***?
11. who is ***?
12. who is ***?
13. who is ***?
Not me, not you, not anyone, but still someone.
14. who is ***?
15. who am I?
16. why don’t I remember
17. why don’t I remember
18. why?
19. Do I have to remember?
20. Where is ** ****?
21. Why do I ask questions without answers?
22. I don’t even want […]

I’ve fought  so hard for this. My whole life, I’ve never been able to feel positive emotions . I can remember some memories from when I truly felt joy, when I used to hang out with some friends but nothing more than that. I’ve spent hours days trying to dig up some happy memories but nothing. I’m nothing more than an abused child, nothing more than my past. I wanna be able to feel something, anything. All I can think about nonstop is how to hurt myself. I’ve thought about burning myself to death, cutting a finger, breaking a leg. Some very violent ideas are […]

Hi. I am Jupiter-7, and this is my first post here.

In my life it’s been hard to make long-term connections socially that are authentic and involve the other person/people understanding me. It also seems difficult for others to be open with me. I can be a very open and intimate person, but often don’t get much of a chance.

I know a lot of us would like to believe that we are fine and that other people mess things up, that we don’t make mistakes, but it is true that I try really, really hard to make others understand who I am. I guess they don’t […]

Really. There’s people out to judge others at every corner.
If you don’t ‘fit into’ society, you’ll be endlessly judged for life.

I’ve been very depressed lately, trying to find a reason to pull it together. Such reasons don’t exist. It’s not worth the price I pay for less money and benefits than I need to pay my debts. I frankly don’t care if those debts EVER get repaid. I worked 16 years to get to where I stand today; destitute, hopeless, and fed up.

Today I had a number of people telling me to toughen up, take it on the chin, because that’s what I’m paid to do. Fuck that noise. If you want me to get tough, watch as I walk away from EVERYTHING this broken […]

I’ve hurt lots of people, albeit unintentionally. At school. During activities. On the internet. I didn’t think I was doing anything bad. I didn’t realize. I never do. It’s so difficult for me to understand how others feel and are affected by things, at least not until it’s too late. Even when I’m told that something that I said or did was wrong, I often either can’t understand why it was unacceptable or why it was so to such a great extent. I’ve been called a bully, and I didn’t understand why. I was angry and upset at the label. Even though I went out […]

Don’t you dare try to sit here and say my problems aren’t that bad, or that others have it worse.

Stop invalidating me.

You know the bare minimum about my life, and I don’t cope well.
In fact, it’s the opposite for me.

It’s those little voices of nervousness, lurking around the corner, hiding in depths of the shadows, waiting to devour me till i’m nothing but a chewed up wad of paper.
They whisper in my ear, sending shivers down my spine, begging me to be on high alert every minute of every day.

The air is always thick with the built up stress and worry oozing out […]

I think so much. It’s pretty much the only thing I do. All day I’m just constantly arguing with myself. Having a conversation with someone who will disappear in maybe a couple of hours and then come back months later saying “I told you so”. Or the other way around in a shorter time period. I have come to some conclusions.

I can’t help myself but no one else can either. For months, or maybe even years, I have been really delusional, because I’ve always had an inferiority complex. That’s probably my biggest issue. My inferiority complex is like the source of every single problem that […]

IDFC by Blackbear

“Tell me pretty lies
Look me in the face
Tell me that you love me
Even if it’s fake
‘Cause I don’t fucking care, at all”

i dont believe you….but i dont care, i miss hearing it….

“I hate the world you brought me into, I hate this reality, its rules are undoubtedly built for the express goal of oppression. Nature, evil and powered by death itself has garnered our worship and respect as its design wastes the life of billions every day. Now we sit here duped into building this civilisation out of, hunger leading to poverty to slavery rebranded to money and trade and culminating in inhumanity. Pretence the number one skill we end up selling this life with fake smiles to each other, and in the greatest crime; to the children you thoughtlessly, perhaps even selfishly push into this […]

We recently got the notice that our time working from home is over, back to the office on May 10th. I know a lot of people are looking forward to getting back to life as it was before this pandemic but I’m dreading it. I was in a very dark place when we were in the office last year: I have still been in a dark place since working from home but at least at home there are more ways to self soothe, more coping mechanisms, good or bad. So many days driving to work my thoughts would veer towards serving off the road, or […]

If you know me in person, I’m sorry in advance.
I shut down.

A lot.

I don’t mean to, and I’m not trying to hurt you, I swear.
But when I shut down,
I don’t want to speak, I don’t want to smile, I don’t want laugh, I don’t want to listen, I don’t want to feel.

I stop speaking.

I stop smiling, stop laughing.
I stop listening.

I stop feeling.
I’m on mute, and I’m sorry.

I want to feel the edge of the blade on my skin,

As blood falls like rain.

I want to stand on the edge of a cliff,

Daring Death to bring me home.