I can’t help but think about all the children being abused at home and how they can’t go to school anymore because of the virus. This was their way out of their homes… their way to escape for just a few hours a day… and now they are stuck at home… I’m not even upset that I can’t go outside, but I wish I could collect every child and keep them safe and get them help… they’re helpless.

I don’t frequent these feelings often, but when I do I’m scared. I get lost in the thought of hating everything I am. No faith for change, for adaptation. I wake up the same each day, my mindset doesn’t change. My energy comes sporadically, periodically through the day I’ll find small bursts of motivation. I know at the rate I’m going, I’ll be nothing. I’ll be nobody. Yet, with this knowledge, I still can’t get out of bed in the mornings. I don’t have the energy to brush my teeth, or take a shower. The dirt clothes have been piling up for over a month. […]

I’m in the position a lot of you wish you were in. The point where it gets easier. The point where suicide is actually in sight. As one approaches the act of suicide they start to hear voices in their head antagonizing them. I’m not relating that as my personal experience. Scientifically speaking, that’s what almost always happens.

Once or twice, awhile back, I actually heard the voices in my head. I immediately suppressed them, but I take a slight comfort knowing they’re there and if I wanted I could slip back into that state again and cultivate those voices by engaging with them instead.

I’ve been […]

It’s 7:29pm. I keep my window open. I shouldn’t. The cars are loud and remind me i’m stuck in my room with my thoughts. It’s too cold, I feel myself shivering needing to wrap two blankets around myself to not feel like i’m gonna get sick. Some people are yelling as they pass by, too heated in their arguments to notice the disturbance they’re causing. Dogs are loud and barking at anything and everything that comes near them. Ever so often a ghetto car comes by with loud music and an old muffler. But past all of it I can’t help but notice the grass […]

is it just me or is the night worse? i start work at 2am. and i find between then and daylight i have nothing. no motivation. i cant move. i cant speak. but when daylight gets here its gets a little better. im still suicidal and what not but it becomes easier to push it aside, as long as something doesnt trigger me, which something typically does.

Everyone wants it both ways.  I’ve fucking destroyed myself to give the people I care about everything, even when it crosses my boundaries, even when it fucking killed me.  What the hell am I supposed to do?  I fucking drop anything, and I mean nothing to anyone I care about, and that will kill me worse.  I try to do everything and that kills me, too.  It’s not like I have any direction on my own, so why shouldn’t I drop everything to wholly serve those I care about?  What the hell else would I do?  I have nothing going for me; I’m fucking pathetic.  […]

I wish they were dead for years. I would have killed them but I am afraid of going to prison

I think the worst thing about being ghosted is that there isn’t really anything to do about it. It just is what it is. Deep down I hope for another shot just to hear her voice, but I’m pretty sure I’ve run out of shots. It’s funny that 70% of that friendship was so stressful thinking about what she was doing and hoping she was ok and wondering why she wasn’t picking up my calls and wondering if I said anything wrong. But for that sweet 30%, it was just nice to her her voice. To know that she was […]

I hear it calling.
I see it shining.
Edge of mercy.
Finds me dying.

Cold is the touch.
Sharp is the blade.
Holding it gently.
The cut is made.

Feel the sting.
A tear of red.
Smell the blood.
Close to dead.

Taste the power.
Controlling this knife.
Relief is coming.
Surge of life.

Water running.
Sound of peace.
Washed away.
Pain to cease.

Now I’m living.
Not for long.
Short term high.
Repeat again this dance and song.

I’ve always thought of this place as a place for people who are diagnosed. I guess that’s why I never felt like I should write here. Now I’m pretty sure I need some kind of help because I saw that I actually have written entries here.

Schoolwork overwhelms me + Im @ my parents

Started abusing some meds that lay round at my house, e.g. zolpidem, which is horrible, I’m just wobbling round the house all day. Wish I could find somewhere more xanny but I popped them all. All of this is probably because of the ecstasy I took like 3-4 weeks ago (1st time doing […]

So I live in Canada, and we are all under this quarantine and my work is closed. Normally I have no issues staying home, infact I prefer it. But now I can’t go out and see people who make me happy. And my living situation with my parents is so horribly toxic I feel like i’m drowning. Everything I fucking do is wrong. I’m too old for this. I shouldn’t feel this way. I don’t deserve the bullshit I get but here we are. I haven’t been depressed in months. I worked so hard, so fucking hard not to be anymore and in 3 weeks […]

One pull of the trigger. One gulp of the pill. Thats it. Itll be over. All this pain and suffering…..ceased. Turned into nothingness. No more memories. No more thoughts. But i dont have a gun. But i dont have a pill. i do have a bottle. i do have a joint. and thats as close to dead as i can get right now. in time though…. i cant see me lasting much longer. i dont see my death as a peaceful old lady laying in bed, surrounded by loved ones as my life slowly leaves me. i see it ending in a jump. a bloody […]

This constant hate for myself has been getting overwhelming. Honestly suicide has started to become a huge option. I try to think positively of myself and about my life but I can’t and it’s really hard. I know there are peoples life’s worse than mine but I just don’t like myself and I always feel like I don’t deserve to live. I’ve been crying everyday of my life for the past couple of months non stop about 2-5 times a day. My body has become so weak and I always feel exhausted for all this crying but get 4 hours or less sleep a day. […]

I’ve got a dirty secret.
hush now, never tell.
quite a filthy secret-
for which I’ll burn in hell.

see, such a nasty secret.
should never cross ones lips;
so 10 long years I’ve waited
Whilst through my soul it rips.

I’ve sat alone, pretending
that everything’s just fine.
I swore I’d never tell a soul
but after all this time…

I find myself just burning
to say those secret words.
The truth to sink in someone’s ear,
to finally be heard.

The twisted nauseation
to curl around their soul,
As they find that they believe me.
The curse of knowledge in whole.

Alas, it’ll never be spoken aloud.
it’s […]

y’know, maybe i should be working on the assignments i said i would instead of letting one email get to me like this. But I can’t. I already put this up on a vent channel elsewhere but I deleted it because my friends were on there and I felt like such a bother. I mean, the person who got me here was me and me alone, why should I involve others like this? Then again, I just really wanted to get something out there other than keeping it in my mind and have it tear me down. I’ve always felt better after getting it out […]

I haven’t spoke lately, in fact I havent been on here lately for a while. I thought I finally beat depression, I thought I wouldn’t get the self harm thoughts again. I thought “yes I’ve finally set myself free”. But it isn’t that simple as that is it. I must say I am proud of myself I haven’t self harmed for a while, so there is still hope out there. However the thought still crosses my mind. What would one more do, one more line, one more scar to add what harm would that do. But depression is a black hole acting as like its […]

i first found out about ‘suicide forums’ when i was reading from a (shocker) suicide book. i quickly looked at the website, convincingly telling myself it was out of curiosity. closed the tab as if spending any more time on it would spread to me and infect me. it did. it became something i did a lot. reading through pages and pages of people and their thoughts. ironic to see so many alone people feel alone together. at this point i wouldn’t say i’m sad, i’m still. i wish i could write about how everything has messed me over. i feel drained, empty, tired of […]

The scent of a nearby cigarette is the scent of blood to a vampire

No one wants me anymore, they pushed me out or walked away. No one cares that I cant handle it. The intense voice in my head being stuck inside, my life being sucked away from me, I cant handle it. I’m being sucked into a dark hole again and literally no one is there to help me crawl out. This isolation can last a year or more. I dont think il be able to do it. While this has been my fear since the outbreak emerged everyone didnt even think about it. Now it’s all over media, what about the mentally ill? It happened again, […]

Spirals are a gorgeous shape. Simply flawless, mimicked everywhere you look in nature. Look at me trying to be profound. Spirals are simply perfect aside from their incredible downfalls. No matter how you turn them they are downward, and eventually they end.
lucky me, to be stuck in such a shape of error.
The mind flits, naturally, to curly slides and fries and cascading curls of hair on special occasions. But this spiral is not something fun. Though it may be beautiful, watching such a disaster unfold.
One thinks, this must be the final downward turn. I am but mere moments away from level ground, […]