I won’t subject myself to anymore ridicule and shame. I have decided that I don’t wanna pursue a relationship anymore. Why? Well because I hate that feeling of rejection. I hate it so much that I will avoid the possibility of it happening at all costs. I have discovered that I can actually still live a fulfilling life even without a significant other, gf, wife, soulmate or whatever you wanna call it. I know why women have rejected me. I will admit and own up to my flaws. I will work on my flaws and this will be an ongoing process from now on. But […]

I always come back. I reread my old posts. I browse new ones. I dont even necessarily wanna die anymore but I always am so drawn to this place.

Recently been trying to identify why I feel so unworthy and unwanted by people around me. I feel as if people always leave me, they no longer see value in me and that’s really affecting me and always has.

Moving though was the best thing for me, I love Arizona, I love the new people I met here. However the feelings run so deep for me i just want to latch on and i wish people […]

he is one of the most decent persons i know. the problem is that i’m a piece of shit who would rather run away from all my problems and leave no one with my burdens. i want to run away from everything, everything. i just wanna shut myself and play games and sleep in my room. i don’t want to interact with anyone in real life. there’s no point for me to participate in society anyway. i’m just a useless person who keeps giving out half-assed work because i’m so burned out and depressed.

he doesn’t deserve a piece of shit like me. at this […]

i have to make so many posters in 3 days. should’ve started over the break but my dumbass didn’t because i love to procrastinate. i am so stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid

i am incompetent. so incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent

i am worthless. so worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless

i don’t deserve my happiness in this life. i deserve the worst kind of death. the worst kind of punishment

dear god please just kill me now i’m so sorry to my dog and my boyfriend and my family and […]

by literally everything. but let me explain my reality differently. i am stuck between life and death. melting. the place i find myself in is evil, and against me. but i created this for myself.. am i still in control? i can feel the friction as these walls slowly crush me. i am afraid of myself. have i really sold my soul?

I want to die. I’m not depressed, mentally destressed, stressed in general, etcetera I’m general an average person. But. I just don’t like existing. I’d rather not. It’s my opinion, like apples to oranges. I like apples more than oranges. I’d like to die more than I’d like to live. I don’t hate my life (other than the simple fact of being alive), I don’t hate myself, people don’t hate me, for the most part, I mean you can’t be friends with anyone, y’know. I’ve been depressed, but when I’m depressed I’m not suicidal. I mostly just want attention and comfort, someone to talk to […]

It’s inevitable now, I’m going to drink antifreeze, about 5oz of it like 200ml, it just sucks it’s so bitter or I think I’d be able to down more, I know “no methods” but I wonder what mixer would make it more bearable. Then immediately after down a bunch of hydroxyzine, Xanax, klonopin (since glycol takes almost up to 3 days to be fatal I wanted to be out for the first half) Whatever I wake up to (I hope not a hospital) the “what if” urge I’ve been having for the last three months will be gone, I’ve never tried this much poisoning. I’m […]

i told him i was painting so i couldnt answer. i lied. i was going to hangout with my cousin and try a new drug. my cousin got into a car accident and we ended up not doing it. hes fine no one was even scratched. but it happened. i told him i wouldnt throw anything. that i would calm down. i ended up throwing something then cutting myself deeper then i think ive ever cut before. everything is getting worse. my drinking. my drug use. im sneaking behind peoples backs. i never lied to my friend before and not it seems thats all i […]

Is it just me or whenever you try to be transparent about what you’re feeling to someone it always ends up being about them like
“I feel like shit” and they be like “Sorry I’m useless”
“I want to die” and they be like “It’s upsetting me, stop”

Lol.
So in the end you just have to say sorry
Apologize for trying to be real with your feelings
Apologize for not being considerate enough to think about them

Fucking crabs

I’m old enough now to not worry about things that aren’t working towards anything good or productive. I missed good conversation but had the chance to enjoy one with an old co-worker of mine. It made the day go by with ease. It wasnt shallow, it wasn’t nasty with negativity…. it was perfect. For once this week, lol.

Other cool things this week were finding some books I read when I was a lot younger. The Hungry Caterpillar, The Paper Princess and Madeline. =] Makes me miss the old days when I’d go to my aunt’s house and go hiking or have a cup […]

I end up here a lot. In this place where my mind races and then slows and either way I feel like I’m not breathing already.

The story of the stars fascinate me. That their light shines on for so long after they themselves have died out. And I’m only wondering if that is because I feel like that too.

My life has had so many tragic lows mixed with all sorts of positive highs. This true explosion of light. Some days I feel the contentment and peace that comes with being surrounded by the blues and purples of the galaxy. Others I think I might explode […]

Hello

Im going to kill myself tonight. Currently, its almost 4 pm. When everyone is asleep tonight, I plan on grabbing Tylenol and overdosing. Hopefully nobody will be awake to take me to the hospital. Im scared of the outcome. Im not anxious, im not afraid of what Ill see/what’ll happen to me. Im scared of what my friends and family will do. Im scared my ex will just laugh it off. Im scared that i wont be able to see the love of my life’s face.. will he continue dating his new girlfriend? am i doing this just to get him back? do i really want to […]

I hate my mother for leaving me. i got molested when i was a kid because of her.

Hello SP Administrator, I am an old user and am returning to the site to ask you something.

After the incident in 2011 I got the treatment I needed, I talked to a therapist about my problems and carried on with my education at the time.

I got my qualifications, and got over my depression with medication and therapy, now I have voluntary job at a charity shop and hope to better myself in the future.

Yet, I still remember this site and wished to come back to it to let you all know how things turned out.

But, there is a problem that I feel only you can […]

I was out geocaching with my friends last summer. We always did it at night in the backroads and graveyards and abandoned churches in the woods. I guess we ticked off a truck driver one night because he called the police on us. Anyway, the cop asked us what we were doing out there, and so we told him, and he thought it was cool because he’s never heard of geocaching or a geocaching app. Then he asked us if we had something better than pepper spray for self-protection, since, we loved doing this stuff at night. I didn’t, though, owning a stun gun sounded […]

An open letter. 

I miss you. 

I know you probably won’t see this. I know we’re over. I know there’s no more pieces left for me to pick up. I never got to say these words but here I’am now.

This is for you. This is for the unsaid feelings that I’ve left behind along with the memory of you.

You don’t deserve someone who breaks your heart every now and then. I could’ve been better. We could’ve been more. We could’ve. But we chose not to. I’ve had my reasons and you’ve had yours. I’m sorry. For the times that things were […]

half of me fights with everything it has to destroy me. it drinks. and does drugs. it lets my disorders eat me alive.

half of me fights with everything it has to get better. to stop drinking. to stop smoking up. to heal my disorders.

i wonder who will win in the end

I know it isn’t wonderful and full of dazzling brilliance to just talk about problems. It’s so hard to, because everything is so chaotic. It’s so relieving to vent on here.
So, my girlfriend of a year has borderline personality disorder. It’s a monstrous and controlling relationship. I’m under a radar, I guess. Lol I can’t take a 20 minute drive or see my friends. She’ll cut or blacken her eyes or strangle herself until she’s blue in the face. Hospitalizations are endless. I felt bad in the beginning but now it’s dead ended and I’m ready to leave her. She stopped self harming for […]

..cause to be a “winner” implies causing another to become a “loser”. I don’t want to create any losers. It’s a hard piece of real estate to take up in this world.