I wouldn’t be where I am if I hadn’t of been a defect, from the very start of my life there’s been something wrong with me and I had to figure out the world as an outsider. I got lucky, parents with insurance, money, or unlucky, I never decided if all these years of correction did me any good.

The point I reached relatively early was that if I ever had the power, I’d do better by a young person in the position I was in than the people did by me.

Well I guess now I’m going to have that chance like I never have before. […]

I find it hard to believe this world was created with any kind of benevolent intent. Especially when I see first-hand the predation that is prevalent everywhere in nature. That is apparently a key part of “the plan.”

Latest example: for the past few weeks, I’ve observed a robin diligently building a nest in my garden. In a small way it’s brightened my day. They seem very confident and inquisitive as a species.

Anyway, today I notice a sleek black shape climbing up to the spot. The chirping seems to be significantly more frantic than usual. Too late, I realise what’s happening, and bang on the window. […]

Doing my best to remain positive today.

This is my special place, although it doesnt belong to me. When I feel as if my life is falling apart, I take solace in the forest. It costs me nothing but the will to walk there.

Today, Im going to go to AA for the first time in over a decade. Im going to clean my apartment and walk outside for as long as the rain holds out on me.

I […]

My fall is accelerating because I’ve stopped fighting it. Looking back I can see how incredible it is that I kept myself afloat all these years by fighting it. But all it took was to give up for just a short while and already I’m past the point of no return.

People have tried to save me in the past. Exes really tried hard, but they proved to me as well as themselves that when there’s a boulder about to fall you better get out of the way. I’m glad I didn’t ruin their lives, at least I can say that. I’m glad I ghosted everyone, […]

I’m so lost. I have this constant longing for connection, but I don’t feel capable. I’ve turned myself into someone I can’t let anybody else see. Who I can never be honest about.

So if I rule out any kind of connection or meaningful relationship with others… what do I do with that longing? How do I live with it without being self-destructive and addicted and constantly thinking about death? How do I deal with being that alone?

How do I accept this existence I’ve made for myself? Because what can’t be changed must be accepted. But I don’t know how. How to find meaning in a […]

Today might be a difficult day for some of you, and I just want to express that Im sensitive to that. If you need to vent about Mother’s Day or your relationship with your mom, comment below. I will be here to listen to you.

Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed since I first made this account when I was a suicidal 14-year-old. In fact, they’ve gotten worse. Now I’m lonely, socially awkward, and I have a shitty home life.

I go to school to be lonely and I come home to get yelled at by a blisteringly angry BPD mother because she had a bad day at work.  I don’t have anywhere to escape. I don’t have friends so I have no where to stay. I have no family so I have no where to stay. My only escape is death but I can never get myself […]

I used to post here when I was a teenager, and now I’m in my late twenties, so. The more things change, etc. Sorry if any of this is out of place. I haven’t gone reading around.

On the one hand, even just making a new account here made me remember the problems I used to be dealing with, and I’m at least doing much better than I was the last time I was around in, like, all of those old areas. On the other hand, it’s bleak and soul crushing in a way that I can’t put into words that instead of being able to […]

Sometimes I think about death and I feel like I wouldn’t mind dying, like I’ve accepted it if it were to come and I can even feel a release or be happy about it and at the same time after these thoughts and feelings I also have an image in my mind like what if there’s a different plane of existence on the other side and I would feel trapped there and it would be boring. What do you think about this?

My mind is doing that thing where I remember everyone that I used to have in my life, everyone that left. I’m wondering, not for the first time, if every single relationship and friendship fell apart because of me. If multiple people decide that I’m not worth staying for then something I do or a part of who I am must be the reason. I’ve tried to change parts of myself a few times, act like some sort of chameleon that fits in perfectly to what someone wants. It used to work for a short while, allow me to make a temporary home in a […]

A guy in my class told me I have “girlboss energy” the other day. Im not sure what he meant by that. I know what a girlboss is and I can understand it if he meant confident, but then…why not just say “confident”?

I guess it sort of messes with me a little bc it appears to imply something feminine and comes off as a backhanded compliment.

Maybe im overthinking it. Caught me off guard. No one has ever said that to me.

I had this idea, based on this job as a successful thing, a minor assumption, but crazier things have happened.

So suppose I stick with it a few years, get my masters in clinical psychology from a very respected school and in the meantime make inroads with this rapidly expanding company in the field of autism therapy, now get ready this gets organization politics, a bit machiavelian and definitely agressive;

I campaign for a new clinic in a city with the university I want to go to, where I will work for them, even sign a contract for a set period of time if they need me […]

I live with a toxic father someone who can be kind when he’s in a good mood, but the moment he faces problems, he turns cold and takes it out on everyone in whatever way he chooses. My mother endures it all in silence. She pushes herself beyond her limits every day, and I can see how it’s destroying her mentally too.

As for me, I’m anti-social, working a 9-to-6 job, with no real friends or emotional support. I feel like I’m just barely surviving each day. There’s this gut-wrenching weight inside me as if I could vanish without anyone […]

I find it extremely hard to fall asleep without pills. My mind just won’t let go of consciousness. Because the universe is wrong. Everything is wrong. Nothing is ok. And something must be done.

But there’s nothing to be done. What’s done is done. Can’t un-see what’s been seen. Can’t forget how it felt. Can’t pursue the one thing that actually seems meaningful now.

So my mind keeps me awake, over a problem that can’t be solved.

In order to pursue a life that seems meaningful, you have to be a semi-decent human being. I’m not capable of reaching that low bar. Ever. I’ve infected my mind with […]

I want to thank myself for my particular strategy that seems to keep being the incentive the world seems to need to react in a certain way. Not that I’m not thankful for it. Not that I have regrets, just that the connection just occured to me and I felt the desire to share about it, because it could be simple random circumstance.

You know what I was getting ready to do, as these two interview offers followed by a very quick job offer? I was preparing to apply for jobs for the next three or four years. I was settling in for an endless pointless […]

I just want to talk about something that crossed my mind since recreating my reddit account days ago and that is, if your family members or real life friends, maybe your partners find out that you had been writing suicide letters here; how would you feel?

Because that happened to me in my past relationship and it felt strange.

Okay, so I was suicidal and having thoughts about my relationship then. I won’t divulge much since I myself don’t remember but what I do know was how freakish it felt when my ex (then-bf) replied to my suicide letter, etc on reddit. I know he […]

I’m ashamed of myself. The amount of space I take up.

I’m a selfish piece of shit. A fucking parasite that ruins everything I come across.

I feel tearful this morning. I think in my head, “Im disgusting. Im a failure. Nobody likes me. I fucked myself. I ruined my life.” And while I feel these things and think these things, I also experienced THE thought: “Everything is ruined anyway, maybe I shoukd just kill myself.”

But, no. Im not gonna do that.

Ay.

On the flip side of things, Ive invested in a bicycle and have some money saved up to coverup one of my shitty tattoos. Working out and getting those coverups will improve my outward appearance, and maybe, even if ever so slightly, my life will be a little better.

I have […]

Answer the front door. I had just finished ham sandwiches with coleslaw and egg mayonnaise, tea two cups of, and a chocolate eclair. What I fancied now was a reefer and Dreyer’s ‘Day of Wrath’. The doorbell rang, I don’t answer doorbells for the reason one will usually encounter some sales pitch. I was expecting female company so for that reason against my own policy I opened the front door teacup in hand. There was a man and woman about mid 4O’s who both flashed these badges quite quickly ,  ” Police” the guy said. There was no car outside, they were plainclothes, seemed like […]

I’m bowled over, I didn’t think an employer was going to give in this easy, ever. I got the job, for those of you who don’t want to read my rambling on, and I don’t blame you at all if you don’t.

It’s just, wow, I wasn’t planning on giving up so easy either but I don’t see how anyone can offer me any better is the thing. Not a particularly bad commute, as they go. As good a shift as any, eight hours, weekdays. I get to play with autistic kids all day. I mean, worst bit of it is that I have to change […]