I love you little brother and as soon as I can ill make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmas’. Have an amazing day little dude. One more year has passed and that’s a year closer to me getting you back. I’m sorry I ever left but I hope when you’re older and I tell you you’ll understand. I couldn’t stay and it had nothing to do with you or our other brother. It’s because of you that I stayed as long as I did. I miss you guys sooo much. and I love you both with all of my heart.

Poured all my fucking fury into a fucking flower pic. Didn’t help at all.

Suicidal thoughts come in 2 forms. One is if you feel trapped by external forces (poverty, bullying, bad luck, loss), and the other is if you’re trapped by your own internal issues. It’s the 2nd one that I’m wondering about, those of us whose minds are so hopelessly scrambled by trauma or self-loathing or whatever led us to this point.

If you’re in that category, then suppose everything else in your life became perfect. You found your perfect soulmate, you got a great job and promising career, a reason to live, all that stuff. Could you make it work?

Or would you end up right back here?

If […]

What is the point of kindness when I have so much fury. Nothing changes, people are utter shit, even people I’ve known for 33 years are utter shit. This fucking world is utterly pointless.

We just exist to be used.

I am so utterly fucking lonely. Day in day out. Every fucking day of my life there is at least some amount of time when there is a black pit of loneliness in my life. This black pit I have poured just about everything I could into and the pit is endless. It never ends. Why do I just keep […]

Why does it make me smile?
There is no happiness there
Is it because it is funny?
It brought about my laughter?
It wasn’t sincere
It was just a fake
I do not feel happy
There is none left
It must be because it was something called “funny”
I was hurt by that person
He brought back deja vu
The darkness in my vacant eyes
I paid none
As they stole
He asked for help
And I laughed

Ten years ago I found my depression, and lost my mind
Nine years ago I found my first razor, and lost my body
Eight year ago I found the pill bottle, and nearly lost my life
Seven years ago everyone found out I was gay
Six years ago I lost my ROTC scholarship
Five years ago I lost my friends
Four years ago I lost my family
Three years ago I lost the national championship
Two years ago I lost my passion
Last year I lost my best friend (and soul mate)
Six months ago I lost motivation
Last week I lost my sanity
Yesterday […]

In this space
My eyes are open
But in reality, they’re closed
There is nothing around me
But darkness
And I sit
Waiting for something
Anything
And it comes
Whatever it was
It was a darkness unwelcoming
It brought about truths, lies, and all things in the dark
I hide
And wish for that darkness
For the night the savior arrives
It visits me every night
Coming like a wave of pure black night
Washing over me
Cleansing
Removing
Ridding the scars the other one left
I swam in an ocean of freedom
The scars gone
A light flashed
Intrigued, I reached towards it
It […]

If I’ll get the Corona virus it may kill me

How’s that saying go? If you can’t fight ’em join em. I think. Anyway what if I stopped fighting my disorders. What if I lived with them. Just day by day. Some days are bad some days are ok. It has to at least be less stressful then swimming against the current.

I want to start off by saying I’ve been coming on this site for 5 years now and reading all your stories and finding comfort in them. I haven’t had the urge to make an account and speak my truth till now. I feel extremely defeated by life. I am 24 and I’m ready to go.  I’ve struggled with mental illness for about 13 years now and it progressively gets worse as I get older. I believe it all stemmed when I was 5, I was raped by a family remember repeatedly for 2 years. I was very young but I knew what […]

I’ll say it again for the people in the back. You can’t actually commit suicide unless you have one of several scientifically categorized motives. I don’t remember what the motives are, but if you’ve been here for years and you still haven’t done it yet, guess what? That most likely means you can’t because science. It has nothing to do with the size of your cajones.

They said the iris,

the honesty truth and respect

and the response seems callous

when the music blares out all noise,

when you can’t hear anything but your heartbeat,

And for a moment the question of authenticity ends,

Plato warned me they would kill you for making them see the truth,

whether they could deal with it or would forever ask for more proof.

at a certain point, you ask yourself what’s the use.
you want your intelligence to bring good news.
And that humanity is easily confused,

by the questions that keep us up at night,

when they don’t know if your wrong or right,

whether you deserve life.

and try as you might,

you know it’s […]

depression feels like a cleanser, a type of bleach, erasing everything in it’s path. it’s hard to describe because everyday, i feel the same, yet different. it had washed the last bit of passion in me, love, creativity…me, i’m fading away as a whole.

i’ve been trying my best, to describe all this, it’s hard to…type out a word, is this the normality or am i just fucked up?i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know. i don’t feel…i don’t know how to describe it, i  feel like i should be happy, or sad, or angry, so i put myself in that state yet i’m […]

Running before time took our dreams away

The slow decay. Cliche. The guilt and hate would have brought the moon to tears. For all the wasted memories I could have shared his fate, for years.

Instead I opted out, closed them each off one by one. Until the only thing left to leave, myself. I search but never find.  Where did I aquire this mind? Are you there? Is anyone anymore.

The mind is transparent
As the memories are transparent
Or is it the other way around?
Like glass
Embedded in the soul
Transparent the mind
To remember
I might’ve remembered
What was transparent
What was embedded
Within
So long ago
My dis-remembrance
Of this
I wonder so

the days just go by. i distract myself by watching a LOT of tv shows. about 12 hours of screen time a day. the routine is so fucking monotonous. i’m in need of some serious motivation. what keeps y’all going? i feel like i’m living just for the sake of it.

I am the sun.
You are the moon.
Though you are blinded
by my light.

I shine unto you
for you see my light;
however I have been overlooked.

Maybe one day,
you’ll truly understand
the rapidity of my heartbeats
I feel when I’m around you.

But for now,
our platonic bond
will just have to do.

There are people who appear to have what I want. I wonder if it keeps them from being miserable. How could you have something that good and not be glad to be alive? But of course people are screwed up in all kinds of complicated ways.

Seeing my desires appear to be real is both compelling and tortuous. It breaks through the layer of resigned depression to remind me ‘yeah, this was what life was supposed to be about.’ But then follows the recognition ‘this is not for you.’

There’s just enough false hope left though to keep me coming back to the fantasy. It’s not like […]

Hi there, I’d love to share with you the Philosophy YT channel “Academy of Ideas” and especially these 3 videos from it, I hope you find them useful and interesting!!