okay, part one; I’ve had a splitting headache all day, so I’ve had painkillers and feel weird in general, and maybe that’s all that is going on

but this isn’t the first time, I’m craving a drug I’ve never had. Not going to get graphic about it, but I have visualization fantasies about doing a particularly dangerous drug, and how does that work? I’ve never done it, and realistically I probably never will. This isn’t how I understand you get into such things… like isn’t it supposed to be a slipperty slope from legal or semi legal stuff? Most addicts I’ve met have done it to […]

not solving my problems. done

It is upon me. Like I’ve mentioned before, there’s alsways that one week of the semester that really screws me. Everything is due and I scramble. Now it’s here. TBH I felt worse about it this morning, but I think I might actually make it. Maybe. Hard to say.

I flipped a stupid coin to see whether or not I’d google her or not. Just to try and see her face. She doesn’t have any pics online from what I can tell. A facebook and linkedin that I can’t access due to now wanting to create/log in to […]

Where you been at? It’s killswitchon. Hit me up!

I think I have too much self-disgust and self-hatred to ever find true happiness. More and more, I ask why not suicide, and my wife pops into my head. I feel obligated to stick around just so that she won’t suffer…but I’m just so tired. I’m a shit person, a sorry excuse for a husband, too emasculated to be a real man, too stupid to function. By choice, I do not keep friends, because I hate people in general. I find people Draining. But I suspect that even if I wanted friends, I wouldn’t keep them for very long. A Dumb, sluggish, pus*y.

I just want […]

what would it be? A real one, that actual real ppl have.

Ex: Dog Whisperer (like Cesar Millan), Cat Whisperer, Super Hacking Skills, Super Memory, Super Intelligence, Be a Great Liar, Be a Great Manipulator, Super Strong (like Strongman), Super Fast (Usain Bolt), Amazing Singer / Dancer / Actor, etc

to love yourself and still be depressed? Are there ppl here that love themselves, have good self-esteem, and yet is still depressed?

Most ppl are depressed bc they are lacking in self-love, self-esteem, self-confidence. Or hating themselves for what they’ve done/not done, for who/what they are, etc.

Just curious if there are ppl who love themselves yet are depressed.

This Dog has a better life than 95% of humans. -_-

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/KZWeA5ml0TI

I sometimes wonder if I haven’t already died and this is Hell. It sure seems like Hell.

Just once in my life, I’d like to actually make someone’s day better. It feels like no matter what I do, I actively make everyone’s lives worse.
Honestly, my family is the only reason I’m still here. I don’t want to make them sad, but if it weren’t for them, I would’ve already spared everyone the misfortune of having to live with me. It’s not like the joy I bring to family means anything either, since parents like their kids by default.
I have zero friends and I’m bullied every day. Basically, outside of family (who like me by default) I have nothing […]

Looking for a purpose in life. Tying it to a certain person. Perhaps being self destructive. There’s nothing wrong with my circumstances except I’m what someone might consider to be a malignant person. I’ll do whatever it takes to fulfill my agenda. It just looks like I’ll be dying alone, confused, and most importantly, with a wasted life. And it’s all my choice.
I want to be alone. I want to stand apart. To hell with most relationships. Someone from my past left me alone and I don’t want to exactly say it hurt me, but it got me very disappointed in myself. The […]

I’m tired. I’ve spent the last four months shuffling back and forth between cities. I have a new relationship that takes up a lot of my time. I’ve neglected myself. I haven’t read for pleasure in months. Forget going to the gym, I haven’t run for any reason at all in weeks. I’m finally home and my exams are over. I suddenly have very little to do, and though I was looking forward to it, I don’t want to do anything. I miss both my cities. I don’t care much what I eat. I have more decisions to make about where to work and stay […]

From @Virus.Found:
“Where did my time go? Can I go back in time?” Very much this. Realising how long it’s been, how old I am, desperately wanting to go back.”

From @thehusk:
“will I be able to still make something out of it?” The older I get, the clearer it becomes how limited the future I’ve created for myself is. I have to face that most of my desires aren’t attainable anymore, if they ever were. That my chances of even scraping the minimal amount of contentment are highly unlikely, and in most cases the best I can do is try to find some way to […]

Turned out to be a man of his word, that is corrupt as fuck, which is just what one needs when it to comes to an insurance scam, particularly house insurance. I showed him around the house, ” You need to splash some water there, loosen a tile or two, put in a nice little coffee stain here” he said. Like anything in life you never know whether a plan will come to fruition or not. He mentioned a figure, a figure I found very pleasing, 12 grand. He wanted 10 percent as his cut. To make a long story short I got the whole […]

Today, I had to present on an article in class. In short, it was a disaster. The main problem was in that I did not explain the article from the perspective that the teacher expected it to be. It’s not the first time, I have focused on the wrong perspective. It could literally be a feature of my life. I just don’t understand why do I always see things so differently. Like how am I suppose to fit into society?

As I sit here, anhedonia set in about an hour ago, and there’s not much to do then apart from sit and think. I mean, there’s tons of stuff to do, I just don’t feel like I’m doing it, works great for chores, but it’s too late to be ambitious like that.

Funny thing, you fence something off, sooner or later that fence is gonna tempt ya, or is it just me?

I haven’t had a job in a year, haven’t tried for anything since August. It’s somewhat intentional, I’m still pretty POed about the last few attempts I made at working. I mean my last job […]

It’s hard to not be defined by your bad past choices. They shape who you are in the present.

Whereas everyone else in my family earned qualifications, built careers, formed relationships, created families…

I dropped out, isolated myself, ruined my mind and my body, and alienated myself from humanity. I’m a 36-year-old with less social experience than the average 15-year-old. On top of which I’ve built a whole host of negative traits in the time I should’ve been doing normal life stuff.

I don’t have the experience of functioning in a relationship. I don’t know what that’s like. I don’t know what it’s like to have close friendships. […]

hey @Plainwhite, I read that post before you deleted it. I feel the same fucking way.

I can’t. I JUST CAN’T ANYMORE!!!

So I just put in a search for a former friend of mine from College/JHS. Apparently she is now the DIRECTOR of Information Security at some company. FUCKING A. She was my friend but she is dumb as a rock. By dumb I mean DUMB. This girl LITERALLY flunked out of my university for having <2.0GPA. Her GPA was a 1.7. That’s a COMBINED AVG over a 2 year period. Four semesters of consistently flunking everything.

She got kicked out and had to transfer to another school. She went […]

Next week everything is due. I’m beyond fucked. Both projects are absolutly no where near finished. For the first project I really screwed up. I basically sandbagged my partner several times that kept the project from going. He would probably have gotten more done if I didn’t insist that I could get it done. He also has two other projects to work on.

For the second project, I rolled the worst dice imaginable with my partners. One of them is an “influencer” getting paid to make “content” so he can’t do fuck all. The other just […]