Just want one chance to get this out without any judgement or anyone trying to stop me. It’s long… so you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to. If you do.. you aren’t going to help so keep your comments to yourself.
I’ve been suicidal for a long time now. I’m not even sure what started these feelings I have. All I know is that I have an intense hatred of me. I constantly shut myself down and consider myself “not good enough” or “undeserving of this life”. I feel like I’m a waste on the worlds resources and life would have been better for everyone I’ve come into contact with if I had just never existed. The air I breathe and the food I consume should go to someone who actually deserves to live.
I looked to love for awhile… hoping I could find someone to share that wonderful, complicated, deep and passionate emotion with me. Love became my driving force… romantic love anyway. I tried and failed twice.. I gave them all of who I was and I tried to be the perfect boyfriend, but both times they… just found someone better. It’s really all I should have expected, But it tore me into pieces both times. I looked into the world. Searching for a story of love like I hoped would be my saving grace, but everywhere I looked. Divorces, affairs, lies, broken hearts. There was no love for people who were 1000x my superior. I have no hope. I have nothing else running for me to want to continue living. It’s hard to breathe and trying to fall asleep is a nightmare. I’m so depressed and rip myself a new one every time I try to think positive thoughts…
I have my death planned out. I’m going to work a few years to pay back my parents for all the wasted time and money. Then I’m going to move to New York City and kill myself quietly in the park where no one will find my body, no one will care and no one will remember this pathetic excuse for a human being. No one gets hurt but me. The world moves on and is hopefully a better place without me.
2 comments
Hey bghb:
Forgive me writing to you. Just to let you know, I did get the memo: No matter what I say, your mind is made up. But even so, I hope that somewhere in your heart that you want to live and you want to survive. We have all been in positions where we’ve had these voices whisper repeatedly in our ears saying “you are worthless”, “why are you alive”, “why are you even here”, “why are you wasting space” and “just die”.
In all honesty, I’ve been at that point more than once and i’m a young person. But it was something in me that made me choose life. It was someone somewhere, something somewhere that made me think again.
See you said that you don’t want anyone to leave a comment because you’re afraid that someone out there who knows you and who doesn’t know you still care. But BGHB if I do not write it only proves your point that no one would even care if you live or die. Well I do!
I have no idea how you feel or what situations you have been faced with but it can’t be no worst than some of those i’ve encountered. So someone you loved may have passed….find ways to cope with it, so someone may have broken your heart….be more meticulous about the people you allow to enter your life and only give your heart to someone worth of it…move on and find someone deserving of you….see if you don’t love you, then you can’t love anyone else. You can only truly love someone else with the same degree that you love yourself. So you may have failed at something……try agai. No ones perfect!!! NO ONE!. Shake off self pity and self loathe and rise above those feelings of worthlessness. Believe in you and others will also.
Refuse to let life get the best of you. Never make a permanent decision to a temporary situation (suicide). I hope that this message gives you hope or a little bit of encouragement.
“Weeping may endure at night, but joy comes in the morning”. Life is what you make it so please try to make it worth something. Refuse to be another statistic (one that killed himself because he cannot handle life situations and circumstances), instead be the young gentleman that went through trials and tribulations but rose above them all and lived to tell others. Overcoming your obstacle is what will make your life worth living because then you can share your testimony and impact the lives of others. Now isn’t that a life worth living for!
Peace be with you:) If you ever need to speak contact me at angeloflight91@hotmail.com.
Hey,
Brother I know where you are coming from read my post Both Ends. I have been where you are right now, it was 2 months ago today that I tired to kill myself by cutting my wrist and getting 29 stiches and the lost of feeling in my hand. I felt like I was the only person in the whole world who always got screwed over. I always tired my best to be the best boyfriend but like you said they always find someone else. I am a suvivor of this terrible disease and thoughts of killing myself. I had my suicide attempt plan out just like you but trust me its not worth it, and it seems like there is no way out but ending your life. There is a way out of this. Believe in yourself that everything will work in time trust me bro. IDK if you are religious or believe in God but after my suicide attempt I accepted Jesus as my savior. There was one bible verus that saved my life. Jeremiah 29 verus 11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I wished someone would have told me that 2 months ago today.. If you ever need anything you can email me…
west_qb_122000@yahoo.com
I am open to talk brother. Life is worth the pain and struggle to over come and become stronger and use this situation that your going through to help out of people like us who wanted to end their life but figured out that life is worth the fight. TRUST ME. Plz email me so we can talk brother
God Bless,
Mike