Hey Suicide project. Long time reader, first time poster.
Tonight’s the night! After 27 years on this blue ball, I can finally go to sleep knowing that under no circumstances will I have to get up tomorrow. I will never have to go to work, pay a bill, or sit an exam. I’m never going to be cold, wet, bored, hungry, lonely, anxious, or sick. I will, to shamelessly quote steel, never have to face the horror of another fucking day. My contribution to global warming is at an end (well, besides the final 46 kilos from the disposal of my carcass).
Of course, I will also never be happy, satiated, entertained, or ecstatic. Given the huge, interminable proportion of my life spent enduring the former, and the relatively intermittent and fleeting experiences of the latter, I consider it a small price to be paid.
Personally, I feel tremendous relief at being done with the whole mess. My only regret is how much this is going to hurt the people around me, especially my mother and sister whom I love very much. In my letter I will do my best to convince them of my philosophy and state of mind. I wish our society was different. I wish our biology was different. I wish that rather than being sad that I was dead, they could be happy that I was free. I will never hurt again.
I know that this will hurt them greatly, though. Biological and societal evolution will by necessity only permit the propagation of genes and ideas that encourage their own spread, and suicide is anathema to survival (of the fittest).  Ultimately, I cannot be responsible for their reactions to my passing. I may not have had a say in my entry into this world, but I’ll be damned if I wont choose when and how to exit. I hope they can understand.
For a long time I justified my existence on altruistic grounds. I may loathe the suffering that I myself experienced as part of every day existence, but I could direct my efforts towards alleviating the pain of others. After 4 years on the job, I can no longer convince myself that this is true. Too much of my job consists of diverting disgusting amounts of resources to prolonging the torment of people who should be allowed a dignified exit, but are trapped by the same psychological and societal shackles that have kept me around for so long.
I have two tanks of helium, and enough tube, elastic, and grocery bags to do the job properly.
I don’t know if anyone audits this site, but I promise to post a comment down the line if the exit bag method does fail.
To everyone out there, I wish you nothing but happiness. It is my most sincere hope that our society will progress to the point where suffering is a thing of the past, and one day no one will have to put up with the misery I see all around me. Until such a time, I am comforted that our time in this veil of tears is inevitably brief, and no one’s pain has to last forever.
Sincerely, me.
12 comments
I hope whatever happens to you works out in the end if you even read this, friend.
I think you’re making a big mistake here. You sound smart and you’re just giving up. You don’t have any more ties if you feel that you can commit suicide, despite the effect it’ll have on your loved ones. You could do anything. Escape society and travel and discover what life could be like without those shackles and without that pressure. Your original altruistic quest could justify your life – even though you think it’s not enough. People do want to live, to make a happy existence for themselves – it just takes a lot for people to see it sometimes.
I had a friend once who used the bag and it was interrupted while it took place. It turned out he had severe brain damage because of the lack of oxygen, so I implore you – if it does take place, which I strongly advise against, make sure it works.
I hope your pain, not others’, is completely relieved and I’m sorry you’ve dealt with this for so long. Have a nice trip out if you decide to do it.
I felt like I was reading my own story there. It’s the one time that I don’t feel alone: when others can share my exact sentiments. We complain that life is a piece of shit. So they counter with “it gets better.” If you press them for HOW it gets better then we get to the carrot and the stick. We got hypnotized while focusing on the stick. We took our eye off the ball. We forgot about the delicious carrot.
The carrot could be a career, a spouse, a family of our own, a hobby, an exercise routine, a payment plan for a car or a house, or countless other obligations disguised as incentives. But there is no advantage to any of the carrots: we were catatonic in our stupidity. The carrots themselves (upon closer inspection) are recursively smaller carrot and stick systems. Now we are not hypnotized, we somehow saw through the smoke screen and became self aware of our relationship to this system. It is unending and it is ridiculous.
Everyday I live means more debt for future generations, another entire species extinct and another insult to the poor and starving in the world who got a raw deal. My net contribution is to make plants and animals suffer and die. To eat a portion of them that are supplied then discard the rest wastefully into the garbage can. To chew them swallow them wait for them to reappear as an extrusion emitted from my asshole, then flush them down and away for someone else to take over. Thank you and I wish you the very Best of luck, First time Poster 🙂
Thanks Crescent and Coitus. I’d be lying if I said your response to this shout out didn’t mean a huge deal to me in the here and now (which is all there is!). Thank you so much.
Noonoo12, I appreciate your empathy. Any of us can be whoever we want to be! At some point though, the people we want to be are so different from ourselves that being those people would be a kind of death. The kind of entity I would be happy being is profoundly different to who I am. It being me before it was it seems unnecessary. I wish those happy beings now and in the future all the best!
@FirsttimePoster
Don’t consider it a death – merely a transformation. Profoundly different might make you gain that shred of happiness that completely changes your perspective on the world.
Patience is a virtue – it might do you some good just to wait and think these things over. Maybe it’s not meant to happen now, but in the future…who knows?
Thanks for the luck – I hope everything becomes positive for you and you change your mind about the suicide.
I read this post earlier today and thought; Well that’s another sentient being aware of their misery. Well, they won’t be here later.
But you are here. That’s strangely comforting to me, however I have no idea why. Perhaps it’s due to my conscience, I was too choked up from reading this earlier to even post a reply.
I sincerely hope you’re in a more positive mood. We’re all here because of our suicidal thoughts, but this place can offer a little touch of healing. A piece of gauze on an raw, open wound. I wouldn’t say I’m completely healed, but far better than I was before starting to post here. I hope you’ll be able to say the same if you reconsider and try it out.
Personally I’d love to see more of your eloquent posts, they sound true from the very core of your soul and this moves me. There are people here to read and to empathise. To understand and offer a hand in aid.
Good luck in life, but if you choose otherwise – Have a peaceful death.
Hello,
Today is my first time on this site; I didn’t think I would find people who feel a similar pain that I do.
I know exactly what you mean by feeling like a waste to the world, using up resources like a parasite. I know exactly what you mean by not wanting to hurt those who love you; there are quite a number of them, and they have done nothing wrong. And, I know exactly what you mean by realizing that you will only achieve freedom and peace through death.
Everyday I am fighting. I fight for that basic human instinct of wanting to live, the one that happy people take for granted. I suffer. Even when I’m happy, I’m suffering. I have won many battles, but this personal war is never ending, and I am starting to lose. I want peace, and the only thing stopping me from giving up is the thought of the pain I’d bring to my friends and family.
You have fought against your suffering for years, and if this is when you fall, then at least I want to thank you for having had the courage to fight for so long. However, I secretly hope that you are still here and are reading this because that means you’ve won a major battle.
This is beautiful, I will remember this post for a long time. I hope it is painless, and quick. I wish for nothing more than your pain and suffering being alleviated and in those final moments, a brief glimpse of true freedom.
The world and society will never change if the people who want it to change choose instead to just leave it. The only change you’ll be making is that you’ll make the lives of the people who cared about you even worse, because they’ll be dealing with the same messed up world and society, plus the self inflicted death of a loved one.
The comment above about the pointless carrots dangling from sticks, I agree with, but from a different perspective. Yes many times people will discourage suicide by saying stick around and maybe you’ll find a different career, or someone to marry, or have a house or a car, whatever. Yes, those are just carrots on sticks. Happiness is a choice and it doesn’t come from objects or even necessarily from other people. You just have to generate it for yourself.
I agree and disagree with this post. You’re absolutely right, none of us asked to be in this world and we should have the right to say when we’ve had enough. But as I said above, I also see how incredibly selfish it is. You acknowledge how rough this world can already be, and now you’re about to make it a whole lot worse for anyone who cares about you. But hey, you’ll be gone right? At this point you seem to just want what works for you.
By the way if the helium method fails I wouldn’t be so blatantly confident that you’ll be able to come back here and post. Could result in some massive brain damage from starving the brain of oxygen but not quite crossing the brink of death. So don’t make any plans for coming back to visit the internet. I would not use grocery bags if you expect your device to work. They sell the specific bags with collars for a reason.
Do you truly feel you’ve had to deal with actual suffering in your life? Just the fact that you have access to an internet connection says you have it better than millions of people on this same blue rock.
If you’re like most people on this site, you came to vent your dramatic feeling and you’ll still be around long after tomorrow. If you do actually choose to leave, nobody can stop you.
There is something about you that peeks my interest and curiosity. You sound like a smart and wonderful person. I’d like to get to know you better…so for those reasons, I hope you make it. I’d love to email you and just learn more about you, your life, and just your views on the world.
“The kind of entity I would be happy being is profoundly different to who I am.”
Who do you want to be? I’d love to know.
Honestly, this is the best post I’ve read in a while.
And honestly I can’t speak for riverrun and coitus. Apart from suggesting a different suicide method, if you are going to do it.
The worst thing that can happen, is surviving and losing the ability to think sentient, and get yourself locked away in a mental institution with just 2% of your consciousness remaining for your entire life.
Please reconsider you method.
As for life, I don’t think you are selfish, the people who love you… Aren’t reaching you. And that’s not your fault. People consider acts like this selfish because they ‘hurt’ others, but what about you. Must you suffer your entire life, just by existing? They themselves are just selfish.
Great and eloquent post OP. I’ve heard quite a few failures with the exit bag on this site though. I think it’s because they started adding oxygen to the tanks to prevent suicides. Good luck in whatever you do though.