i recently read a post,with a guys comment saying,he has been hopeing for cancer for years. i have a cancer that i am currently treating. i am scared of dieing of cancer as an ending. i am interested in opinions on how bad of an ending u think this would be? or if anyone would perfer this way of dieing over a planed method of suicide or death,and why?
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
22 comments
Anyone who says something like that is utterly foolish. I’d assume what people mean when they say something silly like wishing for cancer is that they just wish they’d have a way to die that doesn’t qualify as suicide so they don’t have to be faced with all the stigma and accusations about how selfish it is to kill yourself and hurt the people that care about you. But aside from that small allowance, i.e. the understanding that people just wish for a way out that won’t be *blamed* on them, it’s utter silliness. I’ve even faced this myself some times. I sit around sometimes and *think* I want to die, yet I know if I was faced with some horrible medical issue, I would still find it extremely upsetting and would likely immediately revert to an attitude of panic and wishing to survive.
Ultimately it’s just a huge insult to anyone who has cancer who DOESN’T want it. To foolishly claim that you wish you had some disease that you really have no understanding of is just insulting. People speak of cancer as if it’s just some painless growth in your body that will some day whisk you away to a peaceful death. I’m preeeetty sure if you could speak to anyone who died from cancer, they’d want to slap you for thinking that. It’s not quick, easy, or painless.
So no it’s understandable that you are currently treating your cancer and not wanting that to be the way to go out, but in all honestly, if you are going to bother fighting it, then why not call a spade a spade and admit that you probably aren’t really suicidal. So many people resort to saying “I want to die” when really all they mean is that they want to stop suffering. Everyone wants to live, just not a crappy painful life. If you’re going through with battling your condition OP then I would say it’s pretty clear that some part of you wants to live. If you really, truly, would still claim that you do want your life on this planet to end, then one would kind of wonder why you’d bother to put in the time, money, and effort into trying to treat your condition.
spiritdyeing yes i truely want to live.for a while. ive learned to adapting to current suffering,while liveing for small things that make me feel good.like loveing my cat,substances that i abuse,tabacco,alcohol,a good meal,coffee,that i have my own apartment and manage my ssdi income.so,mabye im not currently suicidal.the current reason i am on this site,is i have a fear of dyeing from progresive cancer in the future.and im looking for a escape method so i can feel less scared if i ever get terminal from cancer.i dont want to have to kill my self,i want to go all the way while indureing my current suffering.but i dont want to go through terminal cancer,if i get to that point.
I’ve seen people post here claiming they wish it would happen to them… some people are just stupid, i guess. It’s certainly one of the slowest and most unpleasant ways to go. At least, until the morphine part; that part probably feels pretty good. Both my mom’s parents went that way. It’s a likely candidate for the cause of my own demise, and i would vastly prefer a barely/semi-conscious drug-assisted passing. I’ve already had enough pain, in various locations and amounts and degrees, and if i can avoid the huge agony spike at the end, i fully intend to do so.
The only people who actually want cancer are masochists and people who don’t understand what cancer is, and think they’re being “so dark” by wishing for it. I’ve seen at least 2 people die of cancer. I wouldn’t recommend it. It can take decades to actually kill you. And until it kills you, you will have all kinds of problems that will gradually worsen and accelerate. Chemo and radiation is what really fucks people up. It often does destroy cancer cells, but it takes healthy tissue with it, and ruins the rest of the body’s natural physiology, AND causes brain damage (allegedly).
The whole experience should be described as nothing short of nightmarish. I thought most people arrived here on the premise that their lives are already like waking nightmares. But hey, if they want their lives to be even worse, i guess that’s up to them.
My advise to you would be to plan for both scenarios. Treat, but prep an exit strategy in case it rapidly becomes completely unbearable. Don’t be afraid to use “alternative methods” to bring yourself comfort. Don’t suffer more than necessary… but only you can decide when to say when.
I agree with Spirit and Clever, minus the angry/belittling parts! People who wish for cancer really wish for guaranteed death that doesnt have to come from their own hands. This can be bc they dont want to stigma, they fear death too much to pull the trigger, they want to be ‘surprised’ when it actually happens or other reasoms I am sure I am not thinking of. I think a better wish would be to have enough money to hire a hitman to kill you within a certain time frame but at random. I would bet thats the option they really and truly want. I have never been dying of cancer but I would prefer a planned death than to let cancer take me.
I wouldn’t mind being terminal.
People who were terminally ill used to come here looking for a better way out which would suggest it wasn’t very nice. It might not be practical either.
I would welcome it. It would eliminate any “responsibility” on my part. Responsibility = feelings of self preservation, fear of messing it up (again). I would definitely honor it and consider it a blessing. It would also tell me God is definitely telling me its “time to go”.
In a word….no
now ya got me worryed of my single chemo session,sceduled for tommorrow.i guess i would rather die from a chemo side affect then cancer.
i am also on this site to give helpfull advice.
I’d prefer not to die of cancer, it could happen to me as cancer is one of the major side effects of my genetic disorder. But what difference would it make if I die of my disorder or if I die of cancer, you are pretty much talking about the same kind of death. Cancer is not nearly the worst kind of death (think of burning to death, that’s got to be one of the worst), but the trouble with cancer and disease deaths in general is they can take a long time, and really be degrading with many people needing diapers in the end. I always hope I won’t end up bedridden in diapers. But the benefit of a cancer death is you’ve got lots of time to prepare for the end, if there are things you’d like to do, and you will probably just eventually fall asleep in bed and not wake up. That’s how it was for my grandparents when they died of cancer. They were in and out of the hospital a lot, then started to get delusional, grandma ended up bedridden for a few months in diapers and my mom cared for her (she also was hallucinating all the time), there were a lot of “false starts” (where we thought they were surely going to die that day but they didn’t, or they “died” and woke back up), but eventually they did fall asleep for good.
As for me I hope for a quick death, hope something nice and quick gets me before my disease finishes me off. I don’t want to be bedridden
Id like to die from cancer because my ex wife could feel guilty how she abandoned me and how she might have saved my life had she kept me on her health insurance.
Let the ***** suffer the “what if?”
im also on this site to give helpfull advice
rach where my true fear lies,in my fear of being terminal from cancer,is not so much the dyeing from the disease part.its about dieing in a hospital,with strangers takeing care of me,and being so weak that im defenseless.i fear i could be abused by hospital staff,i fear a dr not giveing anough morphine,if the dr doesnt like the way i look.im heavily tattooed in black ink and look like white trash.my theripists tell me,my tattoos dont cause people to hate me and that is where my parinoid skizaphrina is causeing delusions,but i fear my skin could influence a dr to help less on pain releif,being that i look like a person in prison.u mentioned diapers sounding unpleasnt.i fear that if i was terminal and in my death bed,i would have much worse then a diaper.mabye a cathider in my urethera and a enema tube up the back end.and would probaly pass with these medical instruments up my private areas,front and back.so my main fear is not terminal from cancer.its fear of care by strangers in a hospital while being weak and defenseless.
@ cancer patient I definitely have the same fears. I abhor being in the hospital, I abhor most doctors and nurses and I hear what you’re saying about the appearance stuff. My face is disfigured, my body is small and misshaped, and the treatment I get from doctors and nurses is nothing like what the normal or pretty people get. I am, at best, neglected. The treatment I’ve had from the majority of them is harsh cold and demeaning. I’d never never want to be totally helpless and in their care. They are evil devils as far as I am concerned. Ever seen the end of the movie Jacob’s Ladder. That’s what I feel like most doctors- most people in general- really are.
When I’ve been in the hospital I have seen some appalling things. A lady pregnant was being gushed over and catered to in the ER. I was being ignored as usual. Out in the hallway one day I saw, laying alone, an old woman who could only groan in misery. Her groans scared me. I didn’t see any one around that would ever give a damn about her. The nurses just shuffled her about like she was garbage. That is the horror of being helpless abandoned and unloved. If she were a pretty lady someone would have been sitting with her.
Ok so here is my advice. If you find yourself in such a miserable state like you described, dying in the hospital, I’d definatly get out ASAP and get into hospice care. Don’t stay in the hospital and be their guinea pig, because as much as doctors pretend to care for most of them its just an act. What’s another suffering/dying person when you’ve already seen hundreds. I am lucky that if I get into such a state and my mom is alive she could probably care for me at home until the end. She did that for my grandma.
I reject as much medical treatment as possible. Many times it does not help or only makes things worse, or decreases quality of life. I try to do only procedures that would have some chance of improving my symptoms. I am not looking for an extension of lifespan (obviously) only some symptom management. In other words I aint nobody’s guinea pig. Be tough with medical people, lay down the law as to your wishes, protect yourself by getting out if your wishes are being violated.
rach, i just got back a half our ago from getting my first and only chemo session sceduled at this time.i took a double dose of ridilin to feel high and comfortable while takeing the one and a half session being pumped with chemo medicine.after the nurse put the iv in,i started of feeling great,i was peaking on ridilin, drug of choice,stimulants,couldnt feel better.about half way through the chemo process,i felt interference keeping my high.something was wrong.i felt like the chemo was chemo was counter acting against my high.i have only just completed the session a half hour ago so its hard to make correct descriptions of the way i feel now,but i do feel poisoned in the body.i now agree with clevers comment,saying chemo destroys the body.i only had to do a single session this time.some people do chemo,5 days a week.so,ya, i think i remember the end of jacobs latter,someing like,when the guy dies,the dr makes a comment to the other dr about the expression on his dead face, throughs a blanket over his face and walk out the clinic careless,that being the only thought that would exist that the drs would ever remember about that man,is the face of death.its been a while since i seen the movie,but thats what i remember from it.i was abused in the er to.it was after my deep wrist slash attempt.2 nurses were cleaning the gash,preping the wound before a dr would stitch me up.one of the nurses pressed her thumb into my wound,claiming it was an accident.it was no accident.i know im playing the role of a guinea pig,allowing and reciveing cancer treatment.i am faced with haveing to participate in my deepest fears and suffering to the natural end.all because its impossible to get a gun.
cancer patient you are not playing the guinea pig by getting treatment. Theres nothing you can really do about that. What I mean by not playing the guinea pig is just being firm about what the boundaries are. For instance there was a time when they wanted to put nasogastric tubes in me for tests. I said I will not have that done, it is very painful and I really had to be sure that they understood that I would not do that. Other times very degrading tests and treatments have been recommended to me which I have refused. Sometimes I have had to refuse 5 times, until they realize I am not budging. Either you are going to be in control of your body, or doctors will be. Make sure they know you are in charge.
Chemo is very harsh on the body I agree.
I don’t have a gun either. My worthless biological father probably does. He should come shoot me but he’s never really given a damn. I have asked him for nothing else.
rach,so after a organ removal surgery and prostedic implant,and the chemo session,the dr says i have a 95 percent chance it wont come back in the same area.the cancer in a testicle,was found by surprise in the earlyest stage,being stage 1.i think any guy with cancer in that place,would scare the hell out of them.and me being a parinoid skizaphrinic with some pretty massive chronic symptoms this whole thing has impacted me so more harsher.so i chose to try to eliminate this in all medical procedures possible,so i could prevent getting to that terminal point from this and end up in a hospital for terminals,that i fear so much.that is where i draw the line,rach.key words(HOSPITAL-TERMINAL UNIT) i have evolved in indureing suffering over the years. 8 years ago my suicide attempt was not suppose to of failed.sense then i have indured so much more,and found out,the reason that i am still here.is because ,looking back i now realize,i have the ability to adapt to suffering to survive.so now i also realize,what ever medical operations or procedures in the future to prevent me ending up in a hospital for terminals,then i will accept putting my participation into doing what drs suggest to do,to prevent me from ending up terminal with an extended stay.so i always thought,the phrase(WHAT EVER DOES NOT KILL ME MAKES ME SRONGER)was the biggest shit lie.before this phrase angered me.but now i realize,in my life,this phrase fits true.because i will adapt to my continueing,proggresive suffering in life if i can prevent being in a terminal state,and spending defenselessness ending there. for example,today i now know what a round of chemo therapy feels like.it feels like shit,its a undescribable,shitty feeling and im looking foward to it whereing off,but need be i get more cancer and need more chemo to prevent terminal hospitalization.my survival in the past proves that i would adapt to future sufferings.now,where i draw the line,and need a suicidal escape plan is if i need to be hospitalize permanently for being uncapable of careing for myself while being terminal.this preparation is where i have so far failed to find a method im secure with,besides blowing my brains out,and i have no way in hell of being able to get a fucking gun.so im constantly haunted in insecure fear.u rach,are very lucky.u have a dad that owns a gun.all u have to do is find where he hides it.and wait till ur plan date to borrow it.if i had this option,my greatest fear would deminish.
cancer patient you are doing the right things. You were indeed lucky to find the cancer at its early stage and deal with it quickly before it spread. I would have done the same things if I were you. I hope your cancer is gone forever. My disease is all over, because it is in my DNA. If I am diagnosed with cancer (which is something that typically happens to people like myself, because of all the damage in our dna), I would like to avoid chemotherapy if at all possible. I am already dying of another condition. But if it would make my symptoms easier to bear, then I would accept chemotherapy. Like yourself I want to avoid being in a helpless terminal state. I’ve seen too many people like that in the hospital. It’s a miserable sight. I certainly hope to go out with a bang and not languish to death.
My dad probably has a gun yeah. But its my biological dad and he s not part of my life. I wouldn’t even recognize him if I saw him. He doesn’t live anywhere near here. I suspect he is embarrassed of my existence. But he has expressed regret that I was born suffering and I would not be suprsed if he shows up one day just to put me out of my misery. It would be the one kind thing I ever got from him.
rach,the chemo dr just called,and said his nurse fucked up on the chemo dose i got friday.i was supposed to get 900mg and was only given 300mg on friday. so now i have to go back monday and get the 600mg to complete the original dr order of 900mg single treatment session. this really pisses me off. so on friday after thinking i received the full intended dose,i felt shitty,things like mild stinging feelings all over the body,and feeling like i wanted to crawl out of my skin.very uncomfortable.and i was only on 1 3rd the dose i was supposed to be on.i would imagine the full 900mg would of been really much harder to deal with.i dont think chemo would make any symptoms of any suffering easyer to bare.it would only add to discomfort.chemo just kills mutated cells for cancer and other similar conditions.if the disease u are dyeing from is causeing physical pain,get on a narcodic pain killer.if u have mental suffering its really hard to find a medication that really makes u feel good,and not just spaced out and functionless.the only medication i found that really makes me happy is ridilin,perscribed for add and depression.i talked to my mom today,she promised that i would have a bed in her house to die in,if i get terminal.she has told me this before,but i never believed her before.this time she sounded more sincere.this comforts my fear some.but my moms 65 and im 36.i hope my mom doesnt die before me.last weak i had a dream my grandpa passed and left behind a pile of junk.in the pile i found a stick of dynamite.i immediately new i had a great method.dynamite duck taped to my head.and then i woke up and realized to go like that,so easy could only be in my dreams.
cancer patient let me give you my email address aracole568@yahoo.com
I am so sorry about the chemo dose being fucked up what a stupid mistake. It sounds miserable. I have had some nasty allergic reactions to some of the meds they have put me on where I wanted to crawl oout of my skin as well or was itching till I hurt myself. Damned chemicals. damned chemicals have got to be the reasons why I was born malformed anyway.
Every time I die in my dreams it is by a gunshot or by falling. I think that I am destined to die in one of those two ways. If I try to imagine myself dying any other way, I just can’t picture it.
Well if a person dies from cancer who is suicidal, their family still gets the life insurance money bc they technically didn’t commit suicide. Maybe that is what they meant?