I have written here before in an entry called Lowest.
When my school fell apart, I switched to a Christian school for sixth grade which I thought would be a great experience because I had a few friends there. I had no idea what I was in for. I had been picked on a little before for my OCD tendencies but not much afterwards, but I always knew I was different. I was tortured my first few months of sixth grade but eventually people left me alone. I managed to make myself a little less different. However, two of the tormentors never stopped. I was in the lowest of four English classes and the Middle of three math classes, so I didn’t exactly have high self-esteem as compared to before. I was smart with little work ethic. It was time for a sign of change that came in the form of a pretty little girl with long brown hair, smooth skin, big brown eyes and a sweet-sounding deep voice. Sorry for the long-windedness. What made her such a sign was that she was in all of the top classes with awesome grades. That motivated me to move up and do better. It seemed like hard work and I gave up what little social life I had to make time for it. On the way back from a field trip the day before spring break somebody said that she had a great personality, so I realized that we were destined to be together and obsessed about it for the remainder of the year and summer when I made straight A’s.
I was nervous to return to school but did so anyways. The nervousness and pressure was overwhelming but I made it to the top math class and the second-to-top English class. I got to know her a little better to find out that she was very nice but not exactly what I would call a moral person (immorality is typical of a good student, sad to say). That I learned when it came time for National Junior Honor Society or whatever inductions. So to succeed without fitting what apparently defines character (deception, sucking up, dishonesty) I had to work insanely hard and continue to let my social life and skills deteriorate. That same day the biggest loser in the school attacked my lack of life, discussing me as if I was nothing. Which is basically what I considered myself from then on considering that she was accepted and I was not even invited. And guess what? It turns out she was dating one of my best “friends” and I had to watch them break up at lunch and hear her preparation for it in science class. She hated me and went to work with others when I was her lab partner. I felt so stupid that year as my grades fell and I was almost rejected from the high math class the next year. I worked and panicked all summer.
But I only needed to be halfway nervous. I made it into the highest math class but the same middle english. I shared homeroom with my object of affection and her pathetic friends came in all the time, making me feel like dirt. My OCD as well as workload killed my social life so I had no really close friends. I never really talked until this year and I guess I was putting on a show for her. Big mistake. People picked on me for everything you could imagine. I was treated like dirt constantly while she was treated with love for whatever reason. In fact, she would not shake my hand during the sign of peace at the church; simply say peace (my name) and give me the peace symbol. Wow. My friends and I started these weird obsessions for which we were ridiculed endlessly. While she had many friends and got along with most people everyone looked down on me and talked down to and about me because they thought that I was a freak because they did not know about my OCD and I did not fit in. We had to apply to our high schools and her and I had one in common from which I was rejected three times in the past. What do you know, she is accepted and I was wait-listed (being a white male isn’t all it’s cracked up to be). Everybody treated me like dirt for the rest of the year and I grew to realize that I am the most flawed human being ever and since nobody knew about my OCD, I was just looked at as an unlikeable freak. Knowing that kids and teenagers are nothing but cruel sadists they would treat me like dirt. All of my friends eventually left me for her and ignored me when she was around and this was killer. We went on a field trip to California near the end of my eighth-grade year which was eh. There was then a week off except for a special luncheon and the last day.
On the last day little did I know that I would never see her in person again after graduation night. This first took place at our church and we finally had a dance in the gym starting at 9:15pm. Me in my coat (which we took off for the dance) and dress shirt, her in her white dress. There was only one slow-dance in which she was taken by her ex-boyfriend (growl) and I was stuck with one of my antagonists-yes, a boy-and we were the only ones without partners. He had been excessively nice to me that night. Even my two “obsession-partners”, some of the least popular kids, had girlfriends. In fact, at the end, one hugged her and said “It’ll be okay”, as they were attending separate high schools. I then exited with my father and a few others at the end, walking through the path of baby pictures to the long walk to my parents’ car in the parking lot.
I was never accepted at the school and that was the last night I saw her in person. 10:45pm on May 24, 2007 will never be forgotten.
I now have learned that the school she attended accepted only rich suck-ups and I am a sophomore at a Catholic all-male prep school (all female neighbor school). My only shared memory with her is on YouTube in a video she made of school memories which I am in for four seconds (how flattering). It was put up in June of ’07 and it is her only video, about 6 minutes long.
Goodbye, hopes and dreams. I must now live forever as the unloved, unwanted OCD freak of history. Someday, in about three years, my message will be heard but for now: I hate myself, the most inferior person who has ever lived.