witness

Today happens to be my 34th birthday. I have been a survivor of debilitating depression since I was 19. I have forgotten the person I was. After 14 years of severe depression and all of the questions all of the odd looks all of the hopelessness and pain. All of those wasted years and potential. I am starting to feel better. Dr.s seemed to always give me a drug of limited effect in an insufficient dose and left me out to pasture. Higher doses of prescription drugs are what is helping me.
How the heck do I know how normal I should feel now after all of this time? In some ways I am so much more like myself now its almost like my soul is an empty glass that never lost its shape and life is filling it again.I am not cured by any stretch but I am amazed. I cant describe what its like hanging on by ones fingernails to so little. I honestly believe that if it weren’t for wanting to avoid hurting family members I would without question be dead.
Not only have I been at the point of complete confusion and endless pain that so many dont return from, I have been a witness. It is painful for me to talk about so I will only say as little as possible. I was with a friend on an out of town trip that he planned in order to commit suicide. I was 3 feet away there was a gun and thats all I want to say. Even after living with the pain that I have I was so close and I never ever saw it coming. I knew he was severely depressed and in hindsight I think I have to be blind not to have seen it coming, with all of the statements and signals. He was on his way out and I was along for the ride and I never knew it.
I only want to say that someone who is contemplating suicide that you cannot imagine the absolute horror and terror of such an event. You cant even in as much pain as you are in I have been there and what I had from “the event” was a different kind of pain sure but not anything you want anyone you care about to have to go through. Its like wondering what it would be like to have sex when your a virgin. You think you may have some idea what it might be like but there isnt anything in your imagination to compare to the actual event. What you are going to leave behind is kind of the same thing. Unimaginable horror is the only way I can describe it.
Get help. I dont care how humiliating it is how hard you have to hang on and see a Dr. because it doesent just go away. Focus all your energy on defeating the illness that has grabbed you. You will have the last laugh and realize how strong you really are. Dont give in please. There are people that will help you.