Its my fault

I once thought i was coping well till i hit rock bottom It started when i was about 14 when i got beat up and we moved away from the area i grow up in i was never close to my mum so all i had was my dad but then he got cancer i becambe his carer he was only 44 he was young i never thought i’d lose him but in 2001 he died i was there when he died and from that moment on i was on my own no one held me and gave me support i felt like i had to stay strong for the sake of my little sister the day of the funeral again i was on my own no one held me i was alone my mum just left me out like i wasn’t her daughter she made promises and always let me down i went to the doctor for help they gave me tablets and sent me to see a lady she said i didn’t need the help that i was fine but going round my head was blame if i didn’t get beat up we would never have moved so my dad wouldn’t have got cancer he’d still be here with now my mum moved back to her home town and i was left on my own over the years i kept it all inside till about 2 months ago when my freind had to phone the police for them to come and help because i tried to kill myself i walked in to so water and i was going more and more in if i wasn’t stopped when i was i wouldn’t be here now i was taken to hospital where i spoke with the mental health team they gave me some tablets i told them how i felt they wrote to my doctor saying i needed help i needed to see some one i had some people coming out to see me to check how i was but i just stopped it i thought i would be fine then 2 weeks ago i got a stanley blade and started cutting at my wrist it feels good when i do but the hurt i feel is still there i have people putting the blame on me for the stuff they are doing for the way they are treating people i cant take any more my body has broken down in 7 years i haven’t had a good nights sleep i dont eat i go days without food i’m still cutting at my wrist i have come to a point in my life where i feel like theres no way out and i’m not sure i wabt to get out i miss my dad so much i love him with all my heart i’m at the point where my friend got my family to come and take me for a few days i have got 10 deep wounds on my wrist from were i have cut all i feel is i need to die i’m in the way no one wants me no one cares i’m 25 and o just want to die i want to be dead i’m still waiting to see some one and the tablets they have given me dont do any thing i wish i could wake up and it all be a night mare or when i go to sleep i wish i wont wake up its my faut i lost my dad but it dont help when you have people having ago at me for nothing and the fact that my mum dont care and is always letting me down and leaving me out why do i have to be here i still feel like i want to die even writing this i feel like this is me kinda writing my final farewell my friend is like a brother to me he thinks if im keep on going i will need to be locked up till i get myself sorted only time will tell one minute i;m fine the next i’m not if only i could br fine but then i say if only i could be dead