Stuck and Stunted

  June 30th, 2008 by IanH

I feel fairly sane, but maybe I am not able to judge that for myself. I have a good job, I have an advanced degree, I am not unattractive, and I have amazing parents and siblings. That last factor, is what makes me feel stuck. I feel like it is time for my life to be over, but my love for my family keeps me from taking my life. I am a cliche. I am in my thirties and gay and in the closet. The closet gets harder to stay in as you get older and your friends lives are moving on to wives and children. I have these loving, but conservative parents. What I don’t know is what would cause them more stigma and suffering, a child who is gay or one who commits suicide. I don’t know the answer and I don’t want to do anything to hurt them. But I don’t know how much longer I can go without hurting them one way or the other.

Oddly, I am also pretty conservative. I’d love the normal life of a wife and kids. I’d love to be a dad. I don’t know of a substitute that can give life more meaning. Gay life is pretty sad and superficial. Sex. Drinking. Parties. I think it is so fast paced to keep gay people from feeling and being awake to the emptiness of it all. There are exceptions, I know, but I think they are rare. It isn’t all I do either. My search for something meaningful is a driving force behind 20 pages of resume items. Work is my drug of choice.

The hardest part, I am alone. I think I am losing my social skills and becoming weirder. Part of it is depression. The cruel thing about depression is that it makes people distance themselves from you. There is nothing inviting, sexy, fun or interesting about depressed people and so I get why people distance themselves. Unfortunately, although I am a little shy, I get my energy from being around other people. I don’t know how in my closeted, and sometimes still orientation confused, life I can ever find a significant connection with another human. Without it though….is there a point to life?

Some people, when they get depressed, sleep all the time. I wish that was true for me. I just stop sleeping. It is almost sunrise now. I am tired, but my depressed suicidal thoughts wouldn’t let me sleep. And I am much more dramatic and emotional when I am tired. Dumb cycle.

Ok. So I pray for death and would like to commit suicide but I am stuck. Stuck because I love my damn family. I live no where near them and I am alone, yet my love and respect for them keep me trapped in my personal hell.


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