Emotions, Pain, And Suicide.

My name is Sidney-Marie, and I am 14 years old. For 13 years of my life, I was living with my mom.. She got remarried.. and she turned into an abusive drunk.. Her new husband is the same way.. He has a son who use to abuse me.. And I lived with my little brother in that little house. It was horrible.. I use to cut everyday.. and I tried to kill myself once. I ended up in the hospital because of ODing. I just wanted to end it all, I wanted to get away from everything. I didn’t understand why my life had gone from perfect, to horrible.
When I was in 5th grade, my grandpa passed away, and thats when I first started cutting. I am going into 9th grade this year, and I still cut my body. I have marks on my sides, my arms, my shoulders, my legs, and even on my feet. I would cut whatever part of my body I could reach.. Whenever I cut it would give me a type of release.. it would get me away from all the pain.. all the memories..
I have several friends who cut, and who are suicidal like me.. We help each other live through the pain.. we know what it feels like to be in pain, and we help each other. I’ve lost a lot of friends to suicide.. and everytime one of my friends die, it hurts even more.
I live with my dad and my little brother now. My mom and my sister live with my moms new husband, and her step son. I am close to my sister, and I am trying to get my friendship back with my mom. It’s hard.. but we are trying.. My past is very hard, and confusing to understand.
My best friends name is Sam. I have been best friends with her since, well, since she was born basically. Her mom, and my mom were best friends, and we basically grew up together. She is 13, and I am 14. A year and some odd months apart. We are like sisters, only closer. We are both Bi, We are both cutters, and we are both suicidal.
I hate living with my dad and brother, I get hurt a lot. She hates living with her mom, dad, and older brother, She also gets hurt like I do. We are able to help each other out a lot because we know what the other has gone through. We know how it feels to get told that someone hates you, that they wish you were better. We are always made fun of, and put down by who we live with.
She is a cutter because of her depression. I cut because it gives me a way to get away from the pain. People at my school have seen my arms, they have seen my stories that are on my arms. They think i’m crazy, like I need to be put away somewhere. But i’m not. I’m just different than they are. They are able to get rid of their emotions in a different way than I do, and so they see me differently because of it.
It’s not easy for someone to stop cutting once they start. It’s like you get addicted to it. I got addicted to the pain, and then the empty, numbness that it gives me. I’ve tried to stop cutting several times, and it’s not as easy as some people think it is.
They just tell me to throw away my razors, but you can find other ways to cut yourself without a razor. I have used many different things to cut with. But unless you use to cut, or if you do, you can’t really understand why it is so hard to stop. I’m not even sure why it is so hard to stop.
People at my school always stare at me, like i’m a type of disease that they don’t wanna catch, It’s difficult to understand why people do that. People think of me as an Emo, or a Gothic. I love to wear black, and wrist bands. I wear wrist bands and long shirts to hide my arms. I normally always have my jacket on, despite the tempature.
The main reason why I cut right now is because of what people say to me. Of what they call me. Most people don’t get that words hurt more than they think they do. Maybe if someone made fun of them to their face, they would understand, but no one does anything to them. They make fun of me because of how I look, and they call me Emo. They think the word only means that you cut yourself, but that is not true. Not in the least. Emo can, and does, mean several different things.
I’m not trying to sound full of myself, or something like that, I am just letting you know my story, even if it is long. I want more people to be aware of how much they can hurt others. I, myself, have tried to help a lot of my friends. And so far I have saved some people. But not all of them. If you would like to talk to me, or know more about my story, my myspace is www.myspace.com/emo_unicorns