Final words…

  October 15th, 2008 by ray ray

I always told myself that suicide is the most selfish act one can do. Well, I guess I never experienced pain as I am now and have since the end of September. I have tried so many times to understand why I am in the situation I am in. I have been accused of some sexual criminal offenses which are false allegations. The allegations alone are enough to make me want to die because it is a person I am (was) very close to. I love her so much and I’d never do anything to harm her in any way. I don’t understand why she couldn’t talk to me. Instead, I am waiting for trial and feel pretty “F”-ing bad. My lawyer said that it is my word versus hers, but I am a nervous wreck with most authorities – even when I got a speeding ticket, just meeting with my bosses at work, I get all sweaty. I can feel my blood pressure rise in a lot of situations from public speaking (which I don’t even attempt), even speaking to a small group of coworkers I get all nervous. I know I am nervous at these times and I’m sure that it radiates from me exposing this trait. I just feel that the judge and jury will see this behavior as guilt and I’m toast. I have heard of what happens to convicted sexual offenders in jail. Just last week some guy ended up in a coma after 3 inmates jumped on his head from a table and kicked the living hell out of him. This scares the hell out of me and I think the option of “getting out” of this mess before can materialize is called for. Besides, I don’t think I can go on to the trial because I am in so much pain over this that seeing this person will just plain hurt me further and I don’t know how much more I can take. My parents, who have been my biggest supporters during this crisis, will be really hurt by this. But then I think about the hurt I am inflicting on them just having them involved. Say I am convicted; this would be so bad and my parents will be devastated. Maybe, just maybe, and I think that’s all I need to know, is, if I do myself in, the pain for my parents will diminish with time and will be better in the long term. I think, no, I know that if I end up in jail, I will either be killed or definitely will find a way to kill myself. I spent one night in jail when I was arrested and know that I cannot live like that. I will not live like that. I’m maxed out with pain at the moment.

Say that I make it to court (hypothetically) and the court rules in my favor. I still don’t think I could go on without my family. The damage is done because the trust that once was has been extinguished. I still love them will all of my heart and soul, but that’s the extent of it. I can only love them in spirit. I don’t think that I could ever physically be with them. As you probably have gathered, I am currently on bail and I am forbidden to see or speak to my family. I have found this to be at the root of my suicidal thoughts. I have tuned into a Christian radio station lately and it actually helped somewhat. There was even a point when I felt I had a revelation and that things would get better and I could reunite with my family. This revelation has since died. I’m not a practicing Catholic but I do believe in a higher power. This is what now scares me about taking my own life. Will I go to hell? Will my problems go away? Will I be rid of this pain and finally feel peace? Or, will I just fade away into the dark abyss as some describe as Purgatory? I wish I knew or at least wish I could convey what happens once I’m through on this planet.

Time heals all wounds and I think that the ones I love will get over it. I think that, (Jeeze – I tend to think a lot), maybe by me taking my own life will help my family move on. They may have already. Not only would they have some closure they might even get some money from insurance to help pay for the house we bought.

The accusation alone has been detrimental to me. I can’t believe it. It is like I am being tested in a way or that this is one hell of a real nightmare where I wake up each morning and feel the heavy pain in my heart all day until I finally fall sleep from total exhaustion only to wake up and have it happen all over again. I need some sign. Some glimmer of hope. Anything to convince me that this is not the best solution because, quite frankly, I think of myself that I am a good person. I love a lot of people and truly believe that they love me. I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love my family. I love this planet! I used to enjoy everything life had to offer. Now, that’s all gone. In the blink of an eye, my life has taken a 540 degree turn. Yes, 540 because I feel so dizzy from the confusion of this situation. I still love my parents because they are always there for me when I need them. I have to apologize to them for the unscheduled journey I am about to embark. I only hope for them to heal quickly and not to blame anyone for my actions, as I have dissected my situation and have made my conclusion. I hope there is a God and that He can help those I love get over my actions. I have sinned in the past but nothing like this. I am ready to pay for those sins in hell or heaven – but now I’m getting ahead of myself.

It actually felt good to write this down. I’m sorry if it was too long. Hey, you’re still reading this which I didn’t expect. I think I posted this more for myself than anything else. With that said, I would like to bid this world a fond farewell, say “I Love You All” one last time, and say thanks to those who read this. I just can’t take it anymore.

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