I am an eighteen year old american soldier……My father was a soldier and is very proud of the fact I am. My mother is proud of it also…..
Yet everyday I feel as if nothing matters. I feel the cruelty of the average person. I have done nothing to these people yet they act as if I don’t have feelings or they don’t care themselves. My brother is in a mental hospital. My sister is in Las Vegas randomly somewhere. My little sister is still in High School. My mother is suffering from 2 types of diseases that may indeed kill her if she does not get the proper care. My father may have permanent brain damage from an IED in Iraq. I have failed a test today for my job that I studied for constantly. I am married for the wrong reasons and yet I cannot figure out why I do not want to escape it. Maybe it is the life in the barracks of hell that caused the whole ordeal. I try to mind my own business everyday but I cannot escape the harassment. I go home and then deal with my wife who does the same thing.
I think about suicide on a daily basis. I have thought about it my entire life. I cannot feel happy anymore. I am in a world of illusion. I am starting to wish everything is what its not. I enjoy sleeping most of the time because my dreams are my territory, Noone can touch me there. The relief I get from this is going home, locking myself in my room, and wasting my life while I spend my time on games. Games……the imaginary vacation…..a vacation that I can visit daily. Somewhere that the worlds cruelty cannot affect me. It is the only thing keeping me going but I am starting to fear it’s safety will run out eventually. I recently have found out I may happen to be gay also, I told my wife and she was supportive at first. Slowly it has just become a joke to her and I have started to feel the cruelty from that also. Let alone my job in the military won’t last long if I am gay. My father would be ashamed of me if I told him and I do not know what my mother would say.
I don’t know what to do anymore and I am starting to lose control of anything. My life is crashing around me and I can’t seem to pick myself up. I am still alive today and that is indeed a good sign but, I don’t know how long that can last or will last………………