its so hard knowing where to start with it all im so close to ending everything and the only thing thats stopping me is my son hed be left without his mum its something that ive clug to for years but im gettin to a point where i just cant do it any more hes such an angel n he doesnt deserve to have to put up with me. Ive always felt like i didnt fit in with life ever since i can remember and its almost as if the world, fate , chance whatever anyone wants to call it has kinda had it in for me from the start. when i was a young child i was sexually abused by my uncle, this was something that id never told anyone and he dissapeared long ago but the whole thing has recently come back to haunt me now that i have found out that it also happened to another family member. Also everyday of my life i live with the fact that my sons father after i split up with him after a violent relationship broke into my house and raped me and strangled me while my son slept in the next room yet the courts still allow him to see him every weekend because even though he was arressted at the scene i didnt have the courage to stand up to him and press charges when it first happened and i had no support to do so after. Now this was 6 years ago now so its as if im supposed to just get on with it. I recently had an altercation with my sons paternal grandfather who said i should get on with it n i have to forgive him eventually. Also more recently i have been in hospital having small operations done over the last few months which has just dragged e down even more as i constantly had repeat infections afterwards which resulted in extra time off work unpaid since im a casual worker working two jobs. Then speaking of work 6 week ago i was made redundant from my main job but since i was casual worker i have no rights so ive now the added pressure of finding money to pay the mortgage and the other bills as well as my sons birthday next week and christmas. Im constantly applying for jobs but to no avail and my partner is becoming increasingly anxious because his job is also unsafe. As for my partner were supposed to be gettin married next year which is on the verge of being cancelled because i told him i felt suicidal and that i had been self harming again ( i used to do it a lot as a child and have very bad scarring as a result) he has found this very hard to deal with and i feel awful now for putting this on him and also because i have ive made everything so much worse . I just dont know what to do anymore i feel that i just cant find the strength to carry on with everyday life anymore. i have been back at uni since september and im already behind because i just cant concentrate and i have loads of work to hand in but then i wonder what the point is because i cant even afford my fees anymore! i just cant carry on with this feeling inside that i just want to rip all my insides out its as if im starting to seperate from everything i know and everything i love but im so worried about my son i dont want him to be brought up by his dad thats what has kept me going so far and i look at him and just the idea of leaving him behind breaks my heart. This is what is so frightening because the deeper i seem to get and the more pain i feel i start to worry that one day ill lose that imense feeling of concern for leaving him alone in this world and what it would do to him and it might start to be outweighed by the pain im in. im sorry to have ranted on so much i just needed to let it out where nobody i knew can see it because it only causes them more problems when i do.