Helpless

November 21st, 2008by cassie

Helpless was the only word that could truly describe how I felt.
My family never sees the good in me. All we ever do is criticize each other, and trust me- it gets old real fast. no one beats anyone on our family, but sometimes i think it would make things better. the verbal abuse is just… brutal. unbearable even. i often find myself tuning out their voices. telling myself “Its okay, Cassie, soon you’ll be gone. soon you wont have to hear this. soon you’ll be alone.” And i feel like, if they did hit me, i wouldn’t feel like i need to hurt myself…
I have a boyfriend- but i have NO idea why he loves me. or ‘says’ he loves me, anyway… im unkept, constantly. im annoying, clingy, and selfish. I always feel like he deserves so much more than me. and he could leave me whenever he wants. and it kills me because he hasnt left me yet. it kills me waiting for the day that he will. it absolutely kills me everytime i look at his face.
I have friends. but i know they dont give a shit about me. VERY rarely have any of them gone out of their way to do something for me, when i am ALWAYS trying to impress the,. win them over. I’m so insecure about people not liking me. im insecure about being an outcast, and i know they know that and they just dont want to associate with me as much.

It hit me real bad a few months ago. I had been in a deep depression for about 2 weeks. NOTHING cheered me up ( i would fake a smile here and there, but i was never truly happy) when no was was around. i cried. i sobbed for hours, in the dark asking “why?” why do my friends, family and boyfriend torture me so much? i wish they would all just tell me they hate me, so i know it and i dont have to be so paranoid about it.
so anyway, One night i was home alone. and i started talking to my boyfriend about how i had been feeling and- as expected- he didnt have anything to say to me. he seemed so uninterested. and that was what i needed. my heart broke. my spirit and soul broke. and i wanted my body to break. i didnt want to feel the pain anymore, you know? i told him “nevermind, i was just kidding around. i g2g, and i love you. more than ive ever loved anything.” and i signed off. i turned off my computer. i turned off my lights, and my tv. the first thing i did was try to break my neck/spine, by ‘tripping’ down my stairs. that didn’t work, i just got the wind knocked out of me, and i think i blacked out for a minute. so after that didnt work, i went to the medicine cabinent and pretty much downed everything i thought would have a good chance at doing me in. and along with that i gave myself about 60 units of insulin (i’m a diabetic, you see), in an attempt to induce a hypoglycemic coma, or maybe even a seizure -whichever came first. next, i played the waiting game. i looked at my arms.i saw all my previous attempts at trying to relieve myself from the pain that did nothing. and i hated myself. i hated that i had to be selfish enough to kill myself. i decided it would be best to die in my sleep, so i downed a handful of sleeping pills with an energy drink ( cause im also super prone to strokes because of those), and i went to sleep.

the next morning, i woke up.
i woke up and i felt like SHIT.
imagine a hangover, but multiply it by like 30.

i took a shower, got dressed, went downstairs and saw my family eating breakfast. they said goodmorning, and asked how i had slept.
and i smiled and said “like a baby.”

and i ate my breakfast with my family. and we talked and laughed. and i was happy. i figured that if ALL the shit i had done hadn’t killed me, then it wasnt my time to go. or i just didnt try hard enough. so over the next few weeks i got better. things didnt make me cry anymore. i became more patient, and less paranoid about what people thought of me.
the hardest thing was talking to myboyfriend again. he was the only one i kind of opened up to. and i couldnt tell him ( or anyone) what i had done. so i kept telling him i was messing around. i dont know if i’ll ever tell him.

i dont know if this will help any of you who feel like dying. but for me, i was given a second chance. my eyes were opened. i gave life a chance, and its been good to me. and when it hasnt- i’ve learned to just shrug it off.

PS music helps. NOT sad indie, emo songs. or angry rock metal songs. but songs like “Beautiful day” by U2, “Memory” by sugarcult, “In the middle” by jimmy eat world, etc. songs that you cant help but smile and sing and dance along to 🙂

PSS i dont feel helpless anymore. and it feels wonderful!

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