Its 4.20am and I’m sitting in front of my laptop begging to be able to sleep, as when I’m alone, its quite and thereâ€™s nothing to occupy my mind thatâ€™s when the feeling and thought’s that I’ve worked so hard all day to repress come flooding back in an unbearable wave.
I’ve been like this since I was 13 and itâ€™s hard to imagine that Iâ€™ve used up so much of my life fighting a battle against myself. to look at people who are 14 now and think I was suicidal everyday for 6 months back then is mindboggling, to put so much pain and struggle and responsibility onto a person so young is incomprehensible for me at the moment. I look back at where I was then and look at myself, now 20, and it seems like somebody elseâ€™s life but the pain and sorrow Iâ€™ve worked so hard to kill is emerging slowly but surely.
I know its weird to say but the hardest thing about feeling like this is I no how it feels to be happy and having the happiness youâ€™ve always dreamed of torn away from you and replaced by these intolerable feelings is even worse then experiencing them the first time. I should probably explain my cycle of depression as this may be a little difficult to understand otherwise. I first became depressed when I was 13, although I only realised this way into my suicidal phase. At 14 I was suicidal for 6 months straight praying to die every night and being so upset that I had not when I woke up. I would sit in school all day long looking at objects and only seeing another way to kill myself, the knives in the Home Ec. Room, the pipes on the ceilings in English, jumping out a window, walking out in front of a car, the thought of how and when to die completely consuming me. I have never attempted suicide though I could never find the courage it took to take the final step. I came out of my suicidal phase, I donâ€™t know how or when it just kind of happened, and into the emotionally numb stage which to me is equally as bad. If youâ€™re depressed youâ€™re sad, if youâ€™re happy youâ€™re happy, if youâ€™re suicidal your suicidal, if youâ€™re numb your nothing just a big empty space where feelings are suppose to be. During that time I prayed and begged to feel anything at all even suicidal, which when I was I prayed never to feel again. I eventually came out of the numb stage into depression which I learned to live with and after a while even became a little comforting, it was a feeling after all something I wanted for quite some time plus I viewed it as making me unique as nobody else I knew suffered from it. I was now 16 and had not seeked any help or talked to anybody about how I was feeling but prayed somebody would look into my eyes and see the pain and despair I felt. For a brief while when I was 16 I felt happy, something completely new and unrecognizable to me and enjoyed it but as you may have guess slipped into depression once more after a couple of months. When I was 18 I was sick and tired of feeling the way I did so I went to the doctor and got some help. He put me on antidepressants, citalpralm firstly which didnâ€™t work and then fluoxetine (commonly known as Prozac), the Prozac worked great and with it I was able to sort out my life. I became close to my real friends again and dumped the crappy ones that use and bitched about me, I got a part-time job while completing a pre-nursing course, had lots of fun times and stopped caring what other people taught about me, I was truly happy. However I had to move 300 miles away form my home, my family, my friends and the life I worked so hard to build up again, to go to college to be a nurse. Thatâ€™s when the depression hit again, making the transition from home to here even more difficult. I went to the doctor again and got Prozac my wonder drug as I taught but this time I experienced very severe and rare side effects to them and had to be switched to duloxetine after a hospital admission due to loosing a stone in a month, constant nausea and not being able to eat anything even though I was on anti-nausea medication.
So now I have to start from scratch with the meds and I donâ€™t know how long Iâ€™m going to last. Suicidal thoughts are starting to creep into my head again and I feel like I did when I was 13. I have lived through this once I’m just hoping Iâ€™m strong enough to do it again.