Hating Who I am

Everyone I know thinks I’m a great person but if I could there would be so much that I would change. I have to work ten times harder then the normal person because I have a learning disablity. I also have a tremor which causes me to shake for no reason. There’s several more things I could list but I won’t. Yesterday was very upsetting. I have a Drama class and we were working on Friday on a fight scene with combat in it ,but my tremors started up. And I was like that for two days. So I went to my teacher yesterday to tell her that I can’t do the fight scene anymore. So she called my dad and he explained to her what was going on with my termors and she said okay. So I taught someone else what we were doing. The part that upset me was that I have miss out on somthing else. I’m so tired of being me. There’s so much wrong with me that I miss out all the time. I just want to be normal. I want to be normal so much that when I get upset that I hurt myself. And think of killing myself just to make the hurting stop. I just want everything to stop hurting me every time I turn around. I think my dad is tired of having to take care of me and my problems. I think he wishes that I was normal as well. So that everything would just be a smooth ride. I see and hear the tone in his voice when I have to go to the doctors and he sounds disappionted that there’s something else happening again. No one else in my family has anything wrong with them. And then there’s me. I just can’t take being the disappiontment anymore. I just want to stop being so different. Then I always have to hide who I really am because I’m gay and he told me to my face that if he ever found out that I was gay that he would disown me faster than you could say click. So I’m the biggest disappiontment in this family you would ever know. So what’s the point in living if you’ll just disappoint everyone. I want him to be proud of me so much. But there’s nothing I can do. So I just want to die so that he won’t be disappointed anymore.