Hey I haven’t been on here in a while, but I want to ask if anyone has had your old scars hurt like they were open again or they tingle like they want to be opened again? I’m having this problem and I’m trying to not be tempted to open one. Any advice?
There is so many things stressing me out and i just want to let go and feel that blade against my skin. I want peace of mind for just a couple minutes. The other thing is that my nightmare was that I lost control in front of my dad who knows nothing about me being a cutter and I just grabbed a knife and started cutting myself up. I kept saying this is what you do to me; over and over again. My cousin had to grab me and force my hands to stop. With that nightmare going through my head I’m feeling really frazzled and jittery. The worst part right now is that I’m at work and have to work with knives. What do I do?
I’m slipping and i keep fighting but how many close calls can I make till I give in and it go past a close call? Where does it end?
I want to talk about is the feeling that I have been getting lately because I need to get it out of my head and take some of the pressure that is building off my brain. I have been getting that numb feeling back that’s causing me to get the cutting thoughts coming back and they’re hard to fight off. When you work with blades everyday and I have those thoughts it’s hard not to take that knife into the bathroom and just let it happen. I’ve even started seeing it in my head watching the blood going down my arms and feeling that light-headed feeling and knowing that when my eyes close that they won’t open again. I have been waking up in panic and I know that is why. People just thinks it’s just all this hormonal stuff but I know what it is and I will never doubt that. They may have had depression but no ones feeling towards it are the same. Sometimes after the panic I feel sad like I really wished it had been real and that I was going to be gone from the world forever. It’s almost like I’m wanting to lose the last of my control so that no matter what happens is what is meant to be, whether I live or die from my lose of control. Because either why the feeling will be gone from me and I can move on. I sound so nuts right now and I’m glad no one close to me is seeing this part of me.
You think things are going right and then you find out the one that you think love you are lying to your face and it seem to never stop. You don’t understand why they lied, but they just keep lying and you don’t know what is the truth or another lie. You just start to feel the world spinning and you’re scared that the spinning won’t stop. You share the room with that person and they’re so obsessed on keeping the lie alive that you can’t even look at them. You just want to yell and scream at them, but all you do is cut, cry, and blame yourself. What else is there to do? You have so much pain already and they just added more and you feel as you are worth nothing so you say “Why am I here no one even wants me here?” You try to cut deeper every time that blade goes across your skin. And you’re just waiting for it to be just deep enough that you don’t wake up in the morning. But you wake the next morning and don’t want to move then you go through the motions till the next night and try again and again till the pain takes the numbness away. That’s all there is till that last day.
When you think that you have hit rock bottom you just get lower and you don’t know what to do. How do you cope with that when you don’t know what the bottom is and just don’t want to see the bottom or the way out either. I never want to get out of bed these day, but when I do I can’t seem to stay awake no matter what I do. I just want to die and never have to feel tired again because I will never wake up again. Everyone say to find the good thing for the day, but what if there isn’t one? I just want the world to go way and no more bad days and no pain anymore. I don’t want to be in pain anymore and I don’t want to see anymore pain anymore. I just found out that I’m physically hurting myself without knowing I’m doing it. How do you hurt yourself without knowing you’re doing it? Has the world destoyed me that much and how do I find a reason to keep going?
Nothing ever gets better no matter where I go. I try to make a good life for me and everyone just wants to abuse me. Whether its mentally or physically. I never to do anything to anyone and I just get shit on. I’m ready for it to be over. I want to die and never look back. I don’t care if I hurt people after I’m gone because I won’t see them hurt and I can’t get hurt either. I really try my best and I get pushed in the mud and rocks. When will it end and I can live happily. I just want to not have to fight and not have to cry myself to sleep at night to rest at all. Then I have night terrors and can’t sleep peacefully. So whether I’m awake or asleep I’m on guard. I don’t want to be afraid every minute of my life. Why is this my life.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Everytime I turn around my family is falling apart person by person. I never want to go home because when I do I fall in a pool of shit and feel like I’m drowning. I just want the pain and loss to go away and just be a happy family. I know that families have problems but I can’t take mine anymore. I just want to die and have no one miss me. I feel like the only reason they would miss me would be that they wouldn’t have anyone to complain to anymore. Everyone says that I’m suppouse to just take care of myself first but how can I do that when I have to force myself to stop worrying about what’s going on with my family. I just can’t take it and my head feels like it’s going to explode. HELP!!!!!!!
It seems as though things start out great then they just go down hill and I can’t seem to make things work. I know in my head that I’m not a bad person, but in my heart I feel like I’m the worst person in the world. Everything I touch just turns to shit and I’m tried of having everyone feel like they always have to be there to pick me up and I just keep falling. I feel like I’m bring them down with me and I just want them to be happy. Their lives would be so much better if I weren’t here so I think it’s just time to leave. I feel like this is the end for me because I have no where else to go. I just want my life to end and I know how to do it. It’s just a matter of getting away without them trying to find me. I have a winter break coming up and I won’t be around them so maybe that would be the time. No one would know anything I just wouldn’t come back. I just can’t take the pressure and the stress of being here anymore. Life just seems so meaningless.
I use to cut myself to make the pain go away and it worked, but I had to stop because people found out. It use to make me feel so tired that nothing would bother me because I was as low as I could get. I want to go back to it because then nothing would bother me. I mean when I was that low I still acted normal and no one knew the difference. I was doing okay for awhile but all the stuff I learned isn’t working anymore. What do I do because I don’t know if I can go back without people thinking something is going on with me. I just don’t want to feel anymore.
This day hasn’t been a good one I talk to the one I call mom and she fould out that I tried to kill myself and she told me that she won’t know what she would do if I was gone. The problem with that was that I can’t get those thoughts out of me head. I just keep thinking that my family’s life would be better if I wasn’t around and that my “friends” lives would have been better if they had never met me. I don’t know that for a fact but I do know that they wouldn’t have a depressed friend around to bring them down. With that conversation with her I feel like I just put another burden on her shoulders and now I have to watch what I say around her again. It just make me feel like I just want to die so she won’t have to worry about me or wonder if I’m going to kill myself at anytime. What do I do to make these thoughts go away?
Why do people think it’s funny to tell you to go kill yourself. Someone told that to me today and I thought that it wasn’t going hurt me that bad, but it did. The voices in my head started screaming to go do it. I can’t make them go away and the worst part about it is that I was okay with dealing with my suicidal thought for a little while now and I just got sent back to the bottomless well that I can’t find away out of. No one where I am understands what I’m going through and it sucks that they don’t because I have one one to talk to. Killing myself sounds like a really good answer, then I look at what people it would hurt and I try to shut the voices up. I keep waking up every hour and I’m so tired. I wonder what would happen if I had killed myself and what would happen to the person that said I should kill myself. It doesn’t matter though because I didn’t and I’m not important anyways right? What do I do and how the hell am I suppose to deal? Should I just go ahead and kill myself?
I have been so alone lately and the loneliness is starting to get to me. I thought I was wanted in my family but I’ve learned that it was all a big fat lie. No one wants me and I’m the most unimportant part of their lives. I just want to drop off the face of the earth and never come back and I won’t care if they would miss me because they don’t miss me now so I just want it all to be over. All they ever wanted from me was someone one to complain to or have to do them favors I was never really important. I just wanted to be wanted for once by them but I’m not. I’m going to cut them off and keep alone it no one knows my name and I’m just a fly on the wall that no one notices. Then slowly move far, far away where no one in my family can ever find me
I don’t what is wrong with me as I sit here all I can think about is killing myself and how I would do it. I don’t think I have a reason to want to kill myself. I just can’t it out of my head. Just seeing the blood running out of my body and the sleepy haze that comes with it. I just don’t know why I want to do it or keep thinking about it. What do I do?
Why is it that when anything bad happens to me the first thought that comes to my head is killing myself. No matter what I do I feel useless and in the way. Or that I’m putting some weight on someone to help me. I just want to close the door to that past, but everytime I try to do that I end up cutting off from everyone in my life. I don’t know if I do it so if I break down they don’t see what I’m going through and try to help me. Which in turn would cause me to open that door to expail why I’m breaking down. I keep thinking about cutting and then just keep doing it till I feel so numb that nothing in my past would even matter. I would just have to deal with keeping that door shut. So cutting just seems to be my anwser that would be easiest. Why are all the eastiest ways the ones that cause the more problems with others in my life? I just want to feel better.
Well I’m not sure how much more I can take. The feelings of everyone person hating me for anything is hurting so bad that it feels like I can’t even breathe. The verbal abuse at home and at work is just to much. I know that sounds stupid but it’s constant all day every day. The one person I thought would always be there for me is starting to think I want to stay and live with it. But that’s not true I just don’t have anywhere to go and to think about trying to live with her would be to much on her. When she told me that it really hurt. These are the times when I think I have no one left what’s the point, it’s time to give up. My family hates me and the people I work with can’t stand me why don’t I let it end so I can’t cause myself to believe there is good anywhere out in this world. Death just feels like it’s the only way for me to have peace. And no one will ever hurt me or make me feel like I hate myself anymore. I haven’t slept in 4 days now and I’m so tired but I can’t sleep because I hurt to much and the tears never seem to stop. There are time I wish I had kill myself when I was younger if my sister hadn’t come in my room when she did I wouldn’t even be here to write this and I wish I wasn’t. )-;
I thought the feeling of loneliness would go away if I spent enough time with others but, it’s still there and it’s eating away at me. I know that people love me but my anger and sadness never seems to subside. Even when I’m with people I feel so cold and alone. How do I find how to be happy and whole again. I put on this smile and pretend to be happy, but what’s it like to really be happy? Cutting only makes me feel better for a few moment and that feels worth it. But it makes everyone around me nervous. I don’t want to lie but when I tell people the truth I think they think I’m crazy and that I’m trying to get attention. I just want it all to end and go away. I don’t even know what taking care of myself means. And when I talk about it, it just hurts more. Why am I so alone?
I’ve been trying to be okay with life but it seems to be getting hard every day. I keep having dreams about being raped and almost killed. Then I also have dreams about killing myself and no one ever finding out what happened to me. Will these dreams ever stop? My dad is an asshole and gets mad about everything and at my job I get screamed at for things I didn’t do that others did. I try and be happy but everywhere I turn people try and ruin everything I’m trying to change for myself. I want to be happy and be able to save money for myself instead of using it for my dads shit. I’m trying to move out but with him taking all my money I have no choice but to stay till I get into the navy. I hate my life and my family doesn’t make it any easier.
I understand what people were talking about when they said being forgotten hurts the most. I didn’t feel that way at first but I know that hurt I just didn’t want to believe that I had been forgotten. I have been trying so hard not to cut but this time I failed. They weren’t deep just surface skin. But I have accepted that my mother and father have no room in their lives for me anymore. I’m just a waste of space and they most likely wish that I was never born. I feel like the only time my father ever knows I’m around is when he wants something. I not even good at that and now that”s gone because I pissed him off again. Now I will just fade into the background and then just disapper forever. It’s just a matter of time till I’m nothing.
It feels like the loneliness is what will kill me before I get the chance. I thought that I have been fighting it and keeping it back well enough. But I feel like it’s eating me alive and I can’t sleep anymore unless I cry myself to sleep but I have to be careful because of the people I live with. I’m starting to slip at work and things are getting to me more and more. Everytime I turn around I want to cry until I stop breathing. I never get to that point though I usally fall asleep be then or someone has come in my room to bug the living shit out of me. The pain of all of it just won’t go away and it’s been almost 12 years of my life. It got really hard about 8 years ago when my mother left and everytime I get these feelings she pops into my head but I don’t want to hate her because I know she’s sick and that she’s never coming back. So how do I make this pain go away??