A year ago, I was happy. Good grades, tons of friends, just started middle school. It was good.
Now, at 12, almost 13, I’m cutting myself, and having suicidal thoughts almost every day.
I don’t know how it got here, though.
My grandmother and brother died in the course of one month, but thats not it. Or at least I don’t think it is.
I guess it started as just a spur-of-the-moment thing. I started seventh grade with RSD, RA, Pain syndrome, and fucked-up nerves in my right arm. I’m in pain 24/7. And it’s not just small pain, its TERRIBLE. That’s when I started cutting. One day, I got home from school and found out that I was out of pain killers. I went 3 weeks with nothing, and it wasn’t good. I committed suicide for the first time then. It didn’t work, obviously.
I never told my parents this. I only told the one friend who talked me out of about 3 other suicides. I’m very grateful for her. I pretty much owe her my life.
I have literally no friends too, so thats a main part of this story.
No guy has ever asked me out. I asked out one guy and he said yes, but that was when my life was good. He left and now we don’t even talk. There’s about 3 guys that I like, but only one that makes my heart beat faster when I’m around him, makes my palms sweat, and makes me ramble on and on about him. I asked him out, and he said no. Now, I’m literally dead inside.
My parents aren’t abusive, they don’t treat me like shit all the time or anything like that, but they are not the best ones a person could have. I’m the middle child out of 4 too (the middle girl), so I was screwed to begin with.
Tonight, my mother yelled at me for about 2 hours straight. She told me about how terrible of a kid I am and how I need to start acting like a real kid and not this freak that I am now.
That is really really really REALLY hurtful. Now I just want to die and never think about it again.
The thing that bothers me the most about this all is that:
1. Being suicidal at 12 is not okay.
2. Suicide is something that will haunt me forever. Its not something that you can just forget. It will stick with me forever.
and 3. I can’t tell anyone this.
Now I just pray that a miracle will come.
I hope you enjoyed this story. I did this instead of sleeping.
2 comments
hey, You are so young, I truly hope you reconsider your decision to try any more attempts and get help. 1. you are 12, it does not matter if you meet a boy yet, i went through that phase where i thought i needed a boyfriend and i was ugly and fat and worthless, but a man shouldnt be what you should be thinking about so early in life. 2. why dont you tell your mum that what she says is hurtful , yes it might be embarrasing and all that but i honestly believe she would feel so much better knowing that you came to her instead of trying to take your life. 3. Find some friends that you think would suit your personality. 4 make online friends if face to face friends are being wankers, try sport, do some art, find something that makes you happy or helps relieve pain. If you really feel the need to cut yourself to release the pain then do so. I did it for 3 years so I know how you feel. And please ring a crisis line or somehow get on antidepressants though usually you need parents permission. If you cant talk to your mum try talk to another family member. Hang in there, there is so much people around to listen so give them a chance to brighten your spirits. 🙂 best of luck
hey that sucks I’m sorry, but i know if you told people they would just say that and your probably thinking, well thanks for the sorry but it doesn’t help at all, trust me i know the feeling but i said it anyway, because i want you to believe me. Your mom loves you, she doesn’t get where you are in your life right now, and she wants the “old” you back, but both you and I know thats just not going to happen so you have a choice move on or tell her the truth. It sucks but i am 15 and i started falling at about 11 so i know how you feel. I don’t think i should tell you not to cut yourself, because you already know you shouldn’t, it’s not heathy. But please hang in there and talk to your friend and i know you say you can’t but going and telling like a school counselor will really help, i know you may not want to be categorized and told what you feel is normal because it’s not. I went through so many medical issues growing up, but they always got misdiagnosed. I’m not going to lie and say life gets perfect because it doesn’t, but if you try everyday, then maybe just maybe you will be able to start seeing things you like happen. I am not perfect i don’t have a super life, but i am trying, because right now hope is all i can live for. Good luck, and I don’t know if this is right but I’m going to take a guess that you don’t really want to die, you just don’t want to deal with life, don’t make a stupid mistake that you will regret.