A year ago, I was happy. Good grades, tons of friends, just started middle school. It was good.
Now, at 12, almost 13, I’m cutting myself, and having suicidal thoughts almost every day.
I don’t know how it got here, though.
My grandmother and brother died in the course of one month, but thats not it. Or at least I don’t think it is.
I guess it started as just a spur-of-the-moment thing. I started seventh grade with RSD, RA, Pain syndrome, and fucked-up nerves in my right arm. I’m in pain 24/7. And it’s not just small pain, its TERRIBLE. That’s when I started cutting. One day, I got home from school and found out that I was out of pain killers. I went 3 weeks with nothing, and it wasn’t good. I committed suicide for the first time then. It didn’t work, obviously.
I never told my parents this. I only told the one friend who talked me out of about 3 other suicides. I’m very grateful for her. I pretty much owe her my life.
I have literally no friends too, so thats a main part of this story.
No guy has ever asked me out. I asked out one guy and he said yes, but that was when my life was good. He left and now we don’t even talk. There’s about 3 guys that I like, but only one that makes my heart beat faster when I’m around him, makes my palms sweat, and makes me ramble on and on about him. I asked him out, and he said no. Now, I’m literally dead inside.
My parents aren’t abusive, they don’t treat me like shit all the time or anything like that, but they are not the best ones a person could have. I’m the middle child out of 4 too (the middle girl), so I was screwed to begin with.
Tonight, my mother yelled at me for about 2 hours straight. She told me about how terrible of a kid I am and how I need to start acting like a real kid and not this freak that I am now.
That is really really really REALLY hurtful. Now I just want to die and never think about it again.
The thing that bothers me the most about this all is that:
1. Being suicidal at 12 is not okay.
2. Suicide is something that will haunt me forever. Its not something that you can just forget. It will stick with me forever.
and 3. I can’t tell anyone this.
Now I just pray that a miracle will come.
I hope you enjoyed this story. I did this instead of sleeping.