slowly getting closer

my lifes fucked, i went on a week end camp and i met this guy that i really liked, i’m goin out with him now but 2 days ago i told him i luved him, since then he hasnt spoke to me, its not only this thats fucking my head up but i really like this guy and i dont want to lose him, i’m cuttin agen, my legs, my arms, my belly, and each time i think should i cut deeper and deeper untill i reach something that might end it all, schools a ***** my m8’s think i’m depressing (depressed more like) and my teachers dont understand what i’m going through, my family dont know nothing about it all, i cant tell them, i ware long sleeves, pants, and long tops that wont pull up, i keep getting called emo because a few people have noticed my scars, its ugly but it helps the pain inside get out, i’m not a religious person, i’m not theist, i’m not athiest, i’m agnostic (meening i beleive in something but i question my faith alot) but i feel like if theres any good out there its left me behind, i’m always frowning i never smile, people say that i’m scary but i’m not i’m just confused and if anything scared, i’m always looking around thinking is this the day i’m gunna get the shit kicked out of me cos not many people in my school likes me, i dont know why but they just dont, i’m just slowly getting closer to topping myself, people call me fake saying i wont do it i wont kill myself but i’m not scacred of death any more i say at night before i go to sleep, i dont want to wake up but i always do, i carry on breathing, i keep on living this so called life, but is it life or just existance?