I’m gay and 53. Right now I want to be neither, and it seems like not being alive is the solution.
Honestly I’m exhausted. It’s been a long road, and always a struggle of some kind. Now that I’m middle-aged, I just don’t want this. In the gay community I feel invisible, and this is after being gay separated me from my family and created friction at work. Did I mention I just want to not be gay or 53? I guess being dead is the next best thing.
My family was, to be blunt, a shit show. Dad was physically and emotionally abusive, and mom was emotionally abusive. When dad died in 2010, I was essentially disinherited despite his promise that I would at least inherit a few of his drawings, that I specifically wanted. Didn’t happen. He gave them to his friends and my homophobic brother, but not me. Going through his things (with his wife’s permission) I found neo-Nazi and white supremacist books, if that gives you some idea.
I didn’t know it growing up, but dad was molesting his step daughter. He also, during that same period, got out his bible to essentially threaten to disown me at age 12 if I “chose the gay lifestyle”. What a fucking hypocrite. Since I was 12, rather than see my father for the monster that he was, I embarked on a wild goose chase trying to please him. I had no idea that by 2010 I would still be a stranger to him, having never even bothered to step foot in my home or take any real interest in my world.
My mom began the homophobic slurs and jokes when I was 12. It wasn’t even that subtle, just outright hatred. It was advertised as if on a billboard that gays are evil, hated, perverse, and certainly not welcome in our family. If I have any reason to live, it’s to piss on her grave. And if I haven’t got that ability, I’ll get a fucking dog to do it for me.
I have a twin brother, who’s the macho sort of guy. That magical experience of growing up in my conservative home also included him holding a knife to my throat, because he thought I *might* be gay. We were about 17. I confronted him about this a few years ago and he claims not to remember.
But never mind all that. OF COURSE coming out of the closet, and living in the light is a path to wholeness and peace. Uhm. Except it isn’t.
In the workplace I’ve heard the word “cocksucker” used casually with me and one other person on the call. Both knew I’m gay. At another workplace, I heard “I just wish I could fucking NUKE capitol hill” (the gay neighborhood in my city). Never mind that I’ve done the heavy lifting on projects, while watching the “alpha male” sorts take over and build their careers on my work while I stay invisible.
From my conservative blue collar family my tech career has been a big source of irritation. I’ve heard that I’m spoiled for having a white collar job, that I “learned how to be gay” in college, that “you can’t trust men without callouses on their hands from hard manual work” etc. Funny, I thought I had done a shit-ton of work just staying alive.
And then, ah yes, that oasis of gay wholeness called romance. Or rather, that time I was raped in college, bled, and had to get tested for HIV in the days when there literally was nothing left to do except wait to die and try to prolong it with some crude drugs. Or the endless crushes I’ve had on guys that aren’t available. Or the two year relationship that ended because he wanted an “open relationship” and grew colder toward me by the day. Other “relationships” have consisted of misalignment, confusion, and sometimes just outright abuse.
I gave up on God long ago. I grew up religious, but now I don’t give a fuck. God, if by some chance you know my password and you can identify who’s writing this…FUCK YOU. God, I never wanted this “gift” in my life. God, fuck off. God, I want no part of your “mercy” if all it means is that I’ll grow even older and more invisible. God – did you hear me? I just told you to fuck off. Kiss my ass. I don’t want you.
I’ve been hospitalized three times because I wanted to end my life. The first time I was hospitalized because I tried to overdose. Oddly, those hospitalizations, decades apart, are like bookmarks of how little my despair has changed.
Dad, you can have your corner of the afterlife and I’ll have mine. You go fuck off along with God. I don’t want you. I want you to know that I would have never chosen you for a dad, no more than you would have chosen to have a gay son. For your hypocrisy I hope that you’re burning in hell and you’ve got just a small taste of the hate you represented and the people you hurt. Dad, it’s not just good that you died – it’s good when people LIKE you die.
Mom, you’ll die alone in a rest home if I have anything to do with it. Sure, you’ll have my brother and his family, and your husband. They’ll say all the things you need to hear, and I hope they do. But deep down I hope you know that you’re a **** and that cunts aren’t to be used to have trophy children. You need to go be a lonely **** in the rest home so that you can just kind of steep in your fishy, god-forsaken ****-ness. And when you’re dead, next to dear ol’ dad, I hope that certain political figures in the US aren’t far behind you.
I fucking give up. I’ve plastered my life with goddamn rainbows, moved to the gay neighborhood, had a string of one failed relationship after another, after another, after another. I’ve got the scars of an abusive family to show for my patience and my presence, and simply the memory of a lot of pain. You know what? I don’t want that fucking “gift”.
BE GAY! – BE PROUD! – CASH AND PRIZES AWAIT!
Ahem. No, not quite that outcome for me. Goddam fucking life. I don’t want it. I just don’t. The grand prize for surviving being gay is just loneliness, more of the same, and less to show for each passing year. FUCK THIS SHIT.
15 comments
I’m so sorry this happened to you. While I’m not gay, I completely understand you. It feels like from the moment you were born, you were doomed, that from the very second of existence, all you got from the world and from the people around you was hate.
I’m close to your age. Being told bullshit things like “everything will get better” from EVERYONE pisses me off. It’s like, haven’t we waited long ENOUGH? Like WHEN will “things get better?” at the moment of death?
This was me. For me, I had the “audacity” to be born a girl (I come from a family/culture where men are celebrated and women are treated like dirt). But for me, it was even worse- I was the THIRD girl, which is even lower than dirt bc they already had two “worthless” girls. Well actually, my mom loves my older sister bc she’s exactly like her (cold, callous, calculating, devoid of emotion). It is my 2nd sister she does not like, and me as the 3rd daughter she hates to the bone.
Anyhow, since the day I was born, I was treated with absolute hate by my entire family. And like you, life outside of family wasn’t that much better.
It feels like we were born just to suffer. Endless fucking suffering.
And yes, like you, I am angry at “God”/the Universe/fate/nature/whatever you call it. I’m not religious, never have been. But if there was a God, he sure is cruel af. SO many ppl suffering around the world. There is no God. God is something humans have created so we feel better.
Anyhow, I feel you. I understand the trauma, the pain, the sorrow of existing, the hurt of being rejected just for being born you. The defeated feeling that life will never get better, bc it still hasn’t and I’m nearly as old as you as well.
Maybe it’s worth moving out of the racist red state you’re living in? It’s different in a blue state, even if you live in the gay neighborhood of a red state. I’ve lived in the SF Bay Area, and there are TONS of gays there. I’ve had friends who were gay and they LOVED being gay. One of my gay friends is literally having the time of his life- going to raves, parties, hooking up with other gays, has great gay friends, etc.
Unlike the 2 of us, he grew up without pain and trauma and hate. When you grow up carefree, you can have a great life. I am so envious of how normal his childhood was, and how his parents were real parents.
Anyhow, the whole bay area doesn’t care if you’re gay, it’s safe to be gay in the entire bay area, not just in the Castro/gay neighborhood. In fact, ppl there BOAST about being gay/trans/bi/or a million other whatever genders and whatnot here.
Since you have a white collar degree, maybe it’s worth your while to transplant yourself somewhere else? SF, Seattle, etc. Even if you take a pay cut, you’ll be happier in a blue state that won’t crucify you for being gay. (it’s not easy finding a job in the bay area though- very competitive).
How did your coworkers know you were gay? Is it one of those places where “word travels”?
I had a friend who was trans (long before trans became a popular thing) and in her neighborhood, word travels so ppl know even if she never met them.
You still have your health I assume. Take what you have left and leave your racist state. You’ll have nothing but misery there.
Dude- I was driving cross country from East to West when I was younger, and man, just driving through, some of these towns are RACIST AF. I’m not black but there were some places where these ppl were looking at me like they wanted to lynch me. Like you can feel the HATE ooozing through the stares. Like ALL I was doing was going to get gas/food/stay at motels at night so I can continue to drive the next day so I wasn’t doing anything or staying anywhere long and literally just going to the gas station was unsafe. But that’s a female thing let alone a minority female in a racist white town in a red state.
I know everyone hates Trump- he is fucking awful- but the ONE good thing was that he exposed/showed just how many racists are out there. When I was telling people how racist ppl are to me, people throwing rocks or water bottles at me simply for walking on the sidewalk, and telling them how racism is still alive and well- NO ONE believed me. (my friends were all dems/liberals in their safe little bubbles). Telling me shit like “this ain’t the 1800s, people aren’t racist anymore). They said that all the way up to 2015/2016 until Trump ran. And the country found how just how many others racists were, and they ALL came out in the woodworks, knowing that they CAN come out and be openly racist bc so many of them were. They realized they didn’t have to hide it anymore.
Well racist ppl sure af exist. Just like homophobes.
I would get the hell out of your racist/homophobic red state if you can. UNless…by Capital Hill you mean Seattle? Seattle is supposed to be a progressive blue city…
Well, idk what to tell ya other than, I know life fucking sucks for some ppl. And some ppl NEVER get a fucking break in life. Trust me, I know that WELL -_-
It makes a world of difference where you live, and if you’re stuck in the United Shithole of Murka you’re screwed. I’ve heard the west coast is different but I can speak for the east coast all the way up & down, it sucks.
Ironically, Atlanta was the one place that felt pretty cool if you can afford a pad in Midtown which is the gay area as well as the cultural center (art museums, symphony hall) and the city park which is remarkably clean and safe. Gay people know how to run a city. Unfortunately it’s a tight bubble because you’re surrounded by…well… southerners.
I’m not gay, I guess at this point I’m adamantly asexual and aromantic because relationships only get me into trouble. But when I lived in Midtown surrounded by gay people as far as the eye could see, it was a nice feeling. It’s great to get away from the macho manosphere and hypocritical venomous Bible thumpers who define the rest of the country, even if it’s just a bubble.
Don’t give up, man. Even if your own bubble is being pierced there are places you can conceivably go where life is completely different, where LGBTQ is celebrated and not just on paper, it’s like a legit vibe that everyone is welcome.
I have online friends in Europe who keep telling me that ‘Murca is just going through a phase and all the batshit Nazi right wingery will pass. It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like we’ve crossed the event horizon of hate. But the Orange fucker will be out of office or dead in 3 years so maybe it’s worth living that long just to outlive the mouthpiece of madness? He emboldened all the Nazis but once he’s gone (so my Euro friends insist) all his lemmings will scurry back into the woodwork. Gay neighborhoods will be allowed to exist in peace again.
I know this doesn’t change the personal hell you’re carrying. The shit that your family subjected you to. But if the country does in fact recover from the Nazi-in-Chief it’ll be one weight off you?
Racism and Homophobia have been going on WAY before Trump. Is racism and homophobia worse than before 2015 when he ran? As someone who isn’t white (nor am I black so it’s not a “black” issue), I’m not sure racism is worse now. I’ve experienced far WORSE racism in the past, before 2015. Trump shined a light that showed racism is definitely alive and well so now when people talk about it, it is actually believed rather than instantly dismissed, as I was for DECADES. So for that, that is wonderful.
I know SO many people on the left that think TRUMP is the SOLE problem. While he is a shitty ass person and president, this shit has been going on WAY before Trump. While the left LOVES to blame Trump for everything, and trust me, I hate Trump, he isn’t the cause of everything. He simply represents the ppl of America…
And don’t get me wrong- Biden, Kamala- the left, aren’t much better economically, politically or fiscally- except they are less bad when it comes to racism/sexism/homophobia, etc. I personally could NOT vote for Kamala as I used to live in CA and we HATE her. She’s literally one of the most AWFUL ppl on the Left in power, and they wanted to make her VP, and then President. Yeah, the American ppl weren’t having that. TONS of leftists refused to vote for her. No, I did not vote for Trump either.
Anyhow, it’s like you said, and what I’ve always said- we live in the “United Shithole of ‘Murikkka.”
Total disagreement there. Trump is 100% the cause of the racism homophobia explosion. Did it exist before Trump? Of course, fear & ignorance is a part of the human condition. But racism & sexual bigotry was never celebrated the way he made it ok to do.
Remember his “grab them by the *****” remark which shocked and appalled politicians on all sides? That was 2015. Fast forward, he’s literally proven to be a rapist, and his batshit rightwingers celebrate that, as well as his racism, and use it as an excuse to overtly champion their previously-suppressed Nazi bullshit.
Yes humans sucked all along, but it was held at bay by a thin veneer of civility, if only outwardly. I’ll take 2015 over this bullshit any day. But you’re free to embrace Trump. That’s the last I’ll say because I’m not trying to convince you otherwise. My point was to commiserate with the OP and give him hope that things will change in 3 years. That’s all.
OP is 53. He’s experienced a TON of homophobia way before Trump. I doubt his problems will go away as soon as Trump leaves office. Sad, but true.
“I’ve heard the west coast is different but I can speak for the east coast all the way up & down, it sucks.”
West Coast is slightly better- but mainly bc ppl are a little more chill bc the weather is nicer. I’ve lived NE, E, SE, West, SW and middle of America. I’ve lived in blue states an red states. ALL of it SUCKS. Unless I suppose one is a straight white male. And even then, if you’re a poor white male, your life will suck too.
In what world am I a fan of Trump? I’ve repeatedly said he’s a POS. So someone who hates trump is a trump fan? What kind of logic is that?
And as I’ve stated in other posts and comments, I had always been on the left UNTIL the 2015 and 2019 primaries when the left completely screwed over Bernie and robbed us of an actual GOOD candidate. And he would have beat Trump in the polls too.
OP is 53, I said Homophobia and racism has ALWAYS been present. It was present during all of OPs life, especially his formative years. Trump never came into play until 2015.
It wasn’t “less bad” before trump. Sure, some ppl have become more open and public about it, but the worst of the worst of them had never cared if it was “ok” to come out or not.
Trump shone a flashlight on the existing racism/sexism/homophobia, there’s also more ppl who KNOW they’re going to be called out or cancelled for their racism, homophobia or sexism, which didn’t really happen much until Trump. Then after Trump, ppl started getting cancelled left and right.
Also, the fact that these things used to be in the dark meant that they ALWAYS got away with it. With Trump exposing racism, homophobia etc, these ppl actually started having some consequences.
In the past, it was just ignored and brushed under the carpet as if nothing happened. Now, they can get cancelled, jailed etc. before, NOTHING happened to these fuckers.
Even if Trump were to drop dead today, it doesn’t solve the racism and homophobia that exists and has always existed in the US way before Trump.
There really is such a thing as Trump Derangement Syndrome. The left just LOVES to blame EVERYTHING on Trump, while ignoring all the other factors causing all this shit in America.
Just like there’s TDS on the right where half of the right just believes Trump is the savior and can do no wrong and that he’s our only hope.
Neither is true.
As a straight white male, I assume you have never been attacked by a stranger just for being a straight white male.
As someone who has suffered at the hands of racists, I can tell you that the worst racists and the ones that do the most damage and the most dangerous ones- have ALWAYS existed. And have NEVER never cared about when it was “ok” to come out.
It is the “less” racist ones who waited till it was “ok” to come out.
And like I said, Trump is a POS but at least now ppl know that racism and homophobia is very real and exists in America. And ppl who have been victims, especially violent victims, of homophobia and racism can now actually go to the Police. We couldn’t before bc no one believed us. But trump exposed all that shit. So that is something of a “win.”
OP here. Thanks everyone for your comments.
You’re correct, I had seen racism, bigotry and homophobia long before Trump and I have seen this side of American culture long before his rise to power. Especially in my family.
I think part of my despair is that I already _do_ live in a blue oasis – Seattle. The bigoted comment about wanting to nuke Capitol Hill was at Microsoft in 2006 – long, long before Trump veered into politics. The “cocksucker” remark came in about 2020, on a Zoom call as we were under lockdown. I reported to the CEO of the small consulting firm we worked for, and got word salad and absolutely no actual regard. The work we were doing? A military contract for Microsoft, and the two guys that hated me were ex-military. My Microsoft managers were absolutely appalled and very supportive (a lot had changed at the company in those 14 years) and that helped. But when I got no support from the firm, I abruptly resigned. But why should that be a black mark on my resume? While everyone else has a career to climb the ladder and support their family, I’m there to try to fit in and “work on my inner child”. Trying to be gay in everyone else’s world is my fucking career.
I’m originally from Iowa, and my family is quintessentially conservative and Trumpian. I saw and recognized the undercurrent of hate that propelled him into power when I was a boy and before I ever had language to describe it. I knew I was unsafe, I knew that hate was a tangible threat to me, and I couldn’t really put any of it into words. I just intuitively “knew” that I didn’t belong and the danger was real.
Because I already got out of Iowa, made my own life, embraced being gay and coming out – there’s just this inescapable darkness I know that bigotry and hate will always be a major part of my life. There will never be a day that I’m straight. There will never be a day when my family loves me for who I am. There will never be a day that hate and bigotry lose. There will never be a day that I feel intrinsically good and whole, just as any child should before they even have words for it.
I’ve been clinically depressed for virtually all of my life. I’m quiet by nature, but in high school (especially after the pressure to date girls and my brother holding a knife to my throat) I just kind of died inside. I used to be a good student, but then I struggled. I used to sit first chair in orchestra, and I lost that. I began to have major trouble with mental focus, and only later did I learn that this is a classic symptom of trauma.
I had many crushes and wanted boys that were not gay, and not even remotely tolerant of gays in public. In sophomore year I tried awkwardly to make a move on my skiing buddy, and that was literally our last time together after about 3 years of skiing. My ambivalent star wrestler sort-of-friend / sort-of-not-friend was an obsession of mine for a decade into college. I couldn’t fully capture what I was feeling, let alone communicate it to him, as if he would want to hear. Calling him “amazing” or “handsome” or “cute” would be like calling the ocean “nice” or a sunset “pretty”. There just weren’t words for how much I felt and how much I hurt inside. My ski buddy was just clueless about how casually beautiful he really was. Eventually I couldn’t contain this, and he couldn’t get far enough away from me.
I know that crushes and rejection are standard rites of passage growing up, but for a gay boy these hit _very_ hard because they make it painfully obvious that being gay isn’t “normal”, and they suggest that being gay is sick, perverted, or wrong. And with the homophobic slurs that teen boys hurl, being gay is uniquely hated among peers. Together with the hate from my family I just knew that I was defective and probably evil.
I lost weight, and looking back at pictures from then I was emaciated and probably at the lowest end of normal body weight. I see the strained smile in the photos, and the eyes that just don’t sparkle the way other kids’ do. I simply died inside and I wanted more than anything to find a way to prove to others that I’m worthy of love. Oddly I never thought of suicide as an option. I just went numb.
In trauma research they call this “minority stress”. It’s simply the additional weight that minorities carry around just to survive. It spikes cortisol and shortens lives by deaths of neglect or despair. LGBT+ folk are more than 5x more likely to die by suicide than the general populace.
I never thought that would be me. I thought of suicide as a character weakness, and that somehow I was immune because I was kind and tried to be good. I pitied survivors of abuse and somehow put them into that “other less fortunate people but not me” label. It seemed so obvious at the time, but is so obviously denial in retrospect. I didn’t even use the word “abuse” in conjunction with my father (who literally left bruises and welts on me that lasted for a week) until I was 35. I never thought of my family as toxic until I was 40, even though they openly used racial or bigoted slurs and took no real interest in my life. I knowingly accepted their toxicity (to have a relationship with my nieces) until just a few years ago. I only reached my limit with my mom’s verbal abuse and hatred 3 years ago. I’ve tried to be what I was supposed to be for them, and I give up. I look back on this period of hope as such a colossal waste.
I would be overjoyed if Trump was an aberration of American culture. He’s not. He’s quintessentially American. As American as baseball, apple pie, lynchings, and abortion clinic bombings. He is a figurehead or avatar for the underbelly scum that thought we went down the wrong path after the Civil War. I think we’re in for a rough ride because those wounds never fully healed. The debt was never paid, and we’re all paying it with interest today. The hate went underground for a time but today we’re witnessing it held proudly as our true heritage, which may be more true than we can admit. We’re witnessing the purest evil take power.
I feel despair because my experience with hate and bigotry is not unique. The factors were there long before I was born, the factors shaped me, and the factors will long outlive me. I don’t want to give in to the darkness but some days I don’t know any other escape.
Hate has always been here and it will never go away. But the thing about humans is that there is 1 thing more powerful than hate. And that is fear.
Before Trump, all the Nazi scum were essentially in hiding because they’re fucking cowards. Trump did something that no other American had ever done: he normalized hate. He celebrated hate. Every disgusting toxic word that comes out of his mouth is proudly dripping with American hate. You have to admit that no other American in his position of power ever made hate so enticing and addictive as the Trumpfuck.
Imagine hate is like a fire hydrant spewing an infinite supply of sludge. But without a hose attached to it and without a nozzle to focus it into a deadly stream it’s just sludge dumping into the street and back into the gutter. This was America before Trump. A festering flow of ugly sludge, for the most part pooling in dark alleys and gutters. Along comes the Trumfuck who attaches a hose that now spews hate like a pressure washer now strafing every corner of America, emboldening and ‘watering’ the Nazis, racists, homophobes and all-round morons to come out from hiding.
We didn’t need to see this. There’s no value in seeing how ugly Americans are, just like there’s no value in someone telling you you’re ugly if you already know it. Human society is struggling to build a thing called civility which masks the ugly ape-like insincts we have to smash each other over the head with bones and rape and play in our own shit. Civility is the antidote to hate.’
What I’m saying is that with the Tangering Ballbag out of the picture in 3 years, there will be no nozzle to focus the hate. Republicans have tried like hell to see who could replace him but no one can. Desantis was too mealy mouthed. Vance is just a moron. Fox News hosts, impressive as they may be at stirring up the morons who watch Fox News, have no power outside their channel. Trump is the head of the snake and once its gone, hate will fall to the squirming mass of disjoint cells that it was before Trump. Like herpes it will never go away, but at least it won’t be in your face.
“It spikes cortisol and shortens lives by deaths of neglect or despair”
— yes, causes so much stress in our lives, anger, pain, then becomes hatred against the world bc it feels like “everyone” is just shitty to us.
Deaths of Neglect and despair is a great way of phrasing it. If we didn’t feel despair, we wouldn’t want to die.
OP- Your words resonate with me. The way you feel is the way I feel. We both grew up being hated for who or what we are. Both by family and by strangers.
In your case it’s being gay. In my case it’s being female (shitted on by family) and a minority (shitted on by the majority of ppl).
And yes, MAJORITY. ALL BEFORE TRUMP. There’s also a lot of racist liberals/democrats that NO ONE on the Left wants to talk about.
I grew up in the 2 most liberal states in the US. Can’t get any bluer than these 2 states and these 2 cities I’ve lived in the majority of my life.
And the amount of racism I experienced my WHOLE life was EVERYWHERE- Trump or no Trump. And ppl were OPENLY racist and doing shit to me. No “permission” from a President needed.
Leftists/Dems love to believe racism didn’t exist or wasn’t everywhere before Trump. There were TONS of OPENLY racist ppl who actively did things to me and others.
And actually, the racism I receive now is actually LESS before Trump.
Bc in the past, there were no repercussions, especially if police and non-racist ppl refused to even believe racism still existed. Talking to them was like talking to a rock “But racism doesn’t exist anymore!” they’d all staunchly and stubbornly say no matter what you told them was done it said to you.
Edit- the racism I receive now is LESS than before Trump is what I was trying to type. Not more. I received the worst racism growing up as a kid and in my 20s. All before Trump.
@OP- I had typed this long response about trying out Bay Area but SP had logged me out and everything I wrote disappeared -_-
Too tired to rewrite it all
And yes, despair is a bish