well…where to start…i have been on this earth for 37 years and have nothing to show for it…well that’s how i see it anyway…i was sexually, physically and mentally abused as a child by the lady and family that adopted me. You ever read “A Child Called It”? well, my story wouldn’t be much different. Since i have visited this site and read a few stories, i have began to see things a little different. i have a daughter that is suicidal and i can’t figure out why…she is beautiful and smart and so sweet and thoughtful. i have made it my life goal not to raise her in any way that i was raised, i give her everything that i can give her…i talk to her and she always says things are good and that she is happy.” i know that everyone has sucidal thoughts…anyone that says otherwise is not being true to you or themselves”…i havemy share of them, but have always wanted to be there for my girls and give them the Mom i never had. i know i mess up from time to time, but then again… i am only going on instinct and not guidance from “a Mom”. i don’t know what to do! If only i could help her to see how important living is…my life is only complete because of my girls…i don’t know what i would do if anything ever happen to them. i sometimes think about dying…but would never want the girls to have to deal with that…maybe thinking that they had something to do with it…is enough to keep me alive as long as they are…if there is anyone who has any suggestions, please express them. i would like to be able to die at an old age knowing that my girls are happy and that i was able to be there for them. i still struggle everyday with the haunting thoughts and most of the time would like to escape it all…it gets so hard to resist sometimes…i don’t want my daughter to have these feelings forever…                                  how can i help her…                                                                                                                                          i listen but can’t seem to understand or see her pain…                                                                                      i know her pain is different from mine…
please is there anyone with any insite that can help me
3 comments
i dont know that i can really help you, but this (to me) looks like my mom wrote it. she had a hard time growing up and stuff. she cant figure out why i am depressed and stuff. im not sure if she knows i am suicidal or not. i say i am happy but she can tell that i am not a lot of the time. you cant expect your children to tell you why. and that must hurt. just be there for them as much as you can and show that you love them. they will appreciate it rather they show it or not
best of luck to you 🙂
if you can. talk to her about getting her help, get her therapy and maybe on meds. dont feel too bad, i dint share with my mom either and when she found out she got me help as fast as possible. it will help, did for me. good luck
As a woman whose father never cared enough to learn how to help me, I’ll guess that your daughter would thank you for trying to learn what she needs. That takes courage.
Here are my thoughts: I think it’s that your daughter feels the pressure from you to ‘be happy’ all the time so that you don’t have to re-live any of the bad feelings from _your_ childhood.
Children are psychic this way – they ‘take care of’ their parents when their parents are wounded. Like the little mouse in that nursery story that pulled the thorn out of the lion’s paw – this tiny creature helped this big powerful creature in so much pain!
Kids do this too, only parents often don’t realize at what cost – they’re sacrificing their own childhood, their _own_ feelings of sadness and pain and whatnot so that _you_ don’t have to feel bad.
I hate to say this, but I think what’s happened is you _need_ your daughter to ‘be happy’ so badly that she hides any troubles she may have from you.
Which is what leads to depression: Not being able or allowed to express ‘negative’ feelings like fear, anger, shame, or what have you.
No matter how hard you’ve tried to make a good life for your daughter, _all_ children have struggles. They get a bad grade; somebody teases them; somebody says or does something mean.
If she comes home to a dad who needs her to always be happy, guess what? Kids do what their parents expect them to do because they’re afraid you won’t love them if they ‘fail’ you.
Especially if she’s smart and sensitive, she picks up on your ‘vibe’ and takes it on herself to never bother you with her problems.
You need to stop thinking so much about how you’ve failed her, or what’s ‘wrong’, and just start paying attention to her on a daily basis.
Ask her little questions – don’t change too much too fast, but just notice her moods and give her opportunities to talk if she seems sad or frustrated or angry about something.
Say, “You seem sad. Is there anything you’d like to talk about?”
And don’t expect change right away. She’s had however many years to develop this pattern of ‘pleasing’ you, it won’t change overnight. You’ll have to build up her trust that you really mean it, that you won’t stop loving her if she’s sad or angry or unhappy.
And especially she may need to express anger at _you_. This will probably be the hardest thing for you to take, because you’ve tried so hard to ‘do it right’.
But trust me, _all_ parents fail their children in some way, disappoint them or let them down. You have to give her a chance to express this stuff, and not make her feel bad about it.
I think you should sneak up on the counseling thing if you mention it at all – ask her if there’s anything she needs help with, would she like to have another adult to talk to about things besides you? Let her know that if she wants to talk privately to a counselor, that you’d support this and would pay for her to go. Don’t take it personally that there are some things she may not like about you – _all_ children dislike some things about their parents. It’s natural and normal, and being able to express those feelings is part of them growing up and learning to have lives that are separate from yours, becoming separate people with different opinions and feelings.