Idk i just wanted to post this…
well, one of my best friends told me something yesterday. two things actually: one was that she wouldnt hesitate to die for me and that scares me. like if i told her id be happy if she died (which i wouldnt) shed go kill herself. that scares me with what i might say in anger to her for i bottle stuff up and sometimes it just explodes. thats how i made my friend brendan, my bottle got too full and it just exploded and he fucked my life up lets just say.
second thing she said has more worried me, at school i put on an act. i pretend to be happy and really hyper most of the time and it seems people buy it but alli says “No, you look sad. always and i see that” and i know others do too for i now realize the weird looks from friends is worry which means i have to prepare a whole new fascade…
recently, every night like clockwork i log off the computer and go outside into my pourch and light a candle and drip hot wax onto my hand to burn the skin. but yesterday i purposfully dripped it onto my cat to see if it would cause him pain because i wanted to see that. wanted to…thats messed up…i havent told anyone this cuz i dont want to worry my best friend. he worries too much already… ive also been thinking of what our ex caretaker had yelled at me how i have no reason to be depressed. how does cutting give me happiness? all that stuff…and thinking its true. i lie heaps and what if i lied to myself thinking im depressed and believed it and if i was not a liar id be happy? what if thats true?
camp is next week, and im scared of what will happen. from my PTSD from being abused i know im a very jumpy person and dont know what will happen. im going with my best friend and promised his gf that she can call my phone to talk to nate anytime if need be…sigh idk i need guidance
1 comment
I know this problem, I think – when you have so much sadness and pain and there’s no place to let it out. I think sometimes you have to just take one little piece of the pain, like maybe something that _just_ happened in your life, and see if you can find someone who will listen while you tell the story.
If you have a friend you can ‘pour your guts out’ to, that’s great – but lots of us don’t. And we don’t want to bore our friends by always being the sad sack, the buzzkill, so that’s when we start hiding it, making the ‘happy face’ so no one will see.
But maybe if you can just let out a _little_ piece of it, with someone you trust, and also at the same time ask them about something _they’re_ dealing with, then maybe they feel like it’s a two-way street instead of one way. And also, you connect a little because you learn something about them, and maybe realize that it’s not just _you_ who has problems, but that your friends do too. That sometimes they too maybe get embarrassed or ashamed or worried or whatever.
I know it’s not so easy to bring such things up, especially if you feel like you’ve been pegged as “sad. always”.
Maybe you can find another person to talk to who you think maybe can see another side of you? Who sees that there is more to you than just the sadness? I know this person may seem like a good friend, but sometimes our ‘friends’ trap us with their perceptions of who we are, and they almost perpetuate the problem. Sometimes by approaching someone new you can break out of the pattern, let a little out of that ‘bottle’ so it doesn’t explode.