Therapists and crisis hotlines are overrated? They haven’t really helped me at all. Different strokes for different folks, of course, but it just seems like these people rarely care about your feelings. They just want to keep you alive, like a vegetable. It seems like that’s how everyone is. “Just get over it”, “everything will work out in the end”, “why the hell are you still cutting yourself, idiot?!”, “imagine how everyone else will feel if you kill yourself, you selfish bastard”…it’s all about everyone else but me, isn’t it?
Whatever happened to me being the monster? Whatever happened to me being the villain? Whatever happened to all the horrible stuff I supposedly did to her that “scarred her for life?” Whatever happened to the all the stuff she told me about how worthless I was, how horrible I was, how she wouldv’e been better off if she never met me, how unhappy I’ve always made her feel, how she wishes she could forget all about me, how she wishes I was dead? After four years of lying to me, what about all that?!
No, I’m sorry. There’s nothing anyone on this site can say or do to persuade me otherwise. My future doesn’t exist anymore. My purpose has changed dramatically. The power of one death is more intense than a trillion words. It will impact few, but it will impact them hard.
“Steve, they’ll feel horrible. You’ll crush them. They’ll never forget this. Do you really want to put them through all that?”
Yes.
Sorry, I know I’m being selfish. But it’s for the first time in my entire life. Everyone else can deal with it.
-Steve
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edit: Oh gosh…someone please talk to me. Email me, leave a message…please. Nobody who’s gonna feed me bullshit. Someone who actually knows what I’m talking about, someone who’s in my place. Please.
My email’s variousartists_ftw@yahoo.com
5 comments
Hey there, no bull. U seem like a real interesting guy, really. I wanted to say something, but I’m under sooo much bullcrap recently that most of the days I wake up, I can’t remember what day it is, what happened last week, or yesterday, and I need 10 minutes to recall where and who I am. The price I pay for resisting suicide too long, now my mind plays tricks on me..
Sorry, don’t mean to ramble, just making a point; that most of us are pretty strained ourselves, to see past ourselves and look at others. Give it time, ppl will respond.
The hell, Steve. I thought u were going on ur “Suicide Project”, what happened to that? It really is fantastic advice for suicidals who can afford to go and fulfill some of their dreams, because a lot of us can’t even afford to do it. And yea, don’t die a virgin. How old are u btw?
I don’t know what to say to u to help.. because u’ve been guarded about what u wrote about “her”, it makes it difficult for anyone here to understand… if she’s really been such a b****, then f*** care about what “she” and her’s think, I’m sure someone like u can find another.
… I know what u mean about therapists and alternate timelines… Yes, very over-rated; I don’t know about u, but I found it’s very hard to find good ones, ones that click with u. Those that are good end up subsequently getting saddled with too many cases that in the end, they don’t have enough time for u, so WTF. From what u said, ur’s suck, wield the axe on them.
…like u, I could have been much more if certain things didn’t come to be.
Life’s unfair. Shit happens. Up to now, I still spend too much time thinking about what could have been, instead of the sorry garbage I am now… I keep coming to the same conclusion; I really can’t do anything about it now. It sucks, OH BOY DOES IT SUCK, but… that’s life for us “lucky” few…
…I know u don’t want ppl to dissuade u, and u have ur plans all drawn out, but I hope u’re not doing this just to impact her mostly, because “she” definitely ain’t worth it.
Sorry if I didn’t help. Take care.
handy665@aol.com , email me, you got nothing to lose
helper
Dear Steve:
I considered suicide on several occasions as a way of revenging myself on the people I would leave behind, and other people who had been unkind to me.
But what happens when someone commits suicide is often people don’t say, “oh, we should have been kinder to him/her.”
Instead they blame you, or try to forget you, or say, “well, we always knew X was crazy — we wll just put him/her out of our minds.”
So if it is revenge that you want, stay alive.
I once considered killing myself over somone who had been unkind to me during a romance. But I eventually decided that this person was not worth dying for.
I realized that this person would just put it all off on me — “oh, she was unstable, it was a shame.” I felt this person would not take any responsibility for having harmed me.
I decided to live and just avoid this person. Eventually this person got involved with someone who behaved just as badly. So I had my “revenge” just knowing that.
Consider focusing on positive thoughts and activities. Also consider getting a counselor to get advice on dealing with the negative thoughts and bad experiences.
Many blessings for a happier future life.
Struggling to Survive (been there)
uh I dunno why people think sucide is selfish. It’s just a way of dealing when u are at your wits end, and I think people are being selfish for expecting you to just keep takin it. Never been to a freakin therapist because I know exactly what they would say. And they would try to guilt you into keeping you from killing you becuase that it what they are paid to do by (I’m assuming) your parents. what’s wrong? forget the stupid shirnks and the people who try to make you guilty, focus on yourself, why are you not happy?? Have you tried to be more positive?
Suicide, sometimes (only sometimes, not always), is in a way selfish. It depends really.
I’ll give u some examples from true life stories to think about;
1. Parents who kill themselves gorily in full view of their children. Kids subsequently grow up without care and badly messed up. Kids keep thinking of suicide in the end as well, to be with “Mommy” and “Daddy”.
2. Reverse. Kids kill themselves. Parents are badly heart-broken. They become shadows of their former selves, constantly blaming themselves. Can’t concentrate in work, get sacked. Many years later, still crying themselves to sleep. Want to kill themselves to be with their “little babies”.
Nothing much else for me to say. Just some things to think about, and make up their own minds about it.