Therapists and crisis hotlines are overrated? They haven’t really helped me at all. Different strokes for different folks, of course, but it just seems like these people rarely care about your feelings. They just want to keep you alive, like a vegetable. It seems like that’s how everyone is. “Just get over it”, “everything will work out in the end”, “why the hell are you still cutting yourself, idiot?!”, “imagine how everyone else will feel if you kill yourself, you selfish bastard”…it’s all about everyone else but me, isn’t it?
Whatever happened to me being the monster? Whatever happened to me being the villain? Whatever happened to all the horrible stuff I supposedly did to her that “scarred her for life?” Whatever happened to the all the stuff she told me about how worthless I was, how horrible I was, how she wouldv’e been better off if she never met me, how unhappy I’ve always made her feel, how she wishes she could forget all about me, how she wishes I was dead? After four years of lying to me, what about all that?!
No, I’m sorry. There’s nothing anyone on this site can say or do to persuade me otherwise. My future doesn’t exist anymore. My purpose has changed dramatically. The power of one death is more intense than a trillion words. It will impact few, but it will impact them hard.
“Steve, they’ll feel horrible. You’ll crush them. They’ll never forget this. Do you really want to put them through all that?”
Sorry, I know I’m being selfish. But it’s for the first time in my entire life. Everyone else can deal with it.
edit: Oh gosh…someone please talk to me. Email me, leave a message…please. Nobody who’s gonna feed me bullshit. Someone who actually knows what I’m talking about, someone who’s in my place. Please.
My email’s firstname.lastname@example.org