Ive always lived my life on a knife edge, very much a roller coaster ride, younger women, fast cars, drugs, you name it i did it, im 44 now, but back when i was 7-8years old i vividly remember my mother telling me, when i did something wrong that, “she never wanted me, ‘they’ didnt want a boy, they only wanted a girl,” my sister is 2 years younger than me.
All through my life its been there in the back of my mind, but its not realy untill you reach a certain age (for me it was a couple of yrs ago) that your mind starts to work out WHY your life has panned out the way it has, and i look back to that 7-8year old and think rather than looking 4 attention elsewhere, ( after hearing repeated comments from my mother regarding me not being wanted) that in a stupid way i got involved with the wrong crowd to gain the attention i wasnt getting at home from my parents, one thing led to another and here i am today, sitting as i have for the past one and a half mths wondering if i can go through with ending my life.
My last partner who i lived with left approx that long ago, she was 25, a goodlooking girl, but after the collapse of the building industry at the end of 2008 money got less and less, it caused us to row more and more, i still loved her dearly, i just couldnt give her what she wanted, as i had before, Â she told me 7wks ago she was going up the shops and never came back, i reported her missing to the police, i was worried sick, but later the next day i found out that she’d took our only car we had left and gone to her dads, he told me she stank of drink, he said she’d gone to her sisters.
I wanted to have reassurance so drove past her sisters, the car wasnt there, i checked the local pub as she liked a drink, it was there, but she wasnt in the pub, and when i asked behind the bar they told me that she wasnt in a fit state the night before and they had called her sister (who was a regular) to come and get her.
I rang her sister(as Emily didnt have a mobile) and told her brother in law she had 10 mins to ring and tell me what was going on or i was taking the car, no phone call came so i took the car.
On the way home, down tiny country lanes her stepfather and approx 9 other blokes, not kids, ran me off the road in 2 cars smashed my side window, dragged me into a field, held me, face down on the ground and kicked the side of my head and chest untill i kept going in and out of concousness, they suddenly stopped and adrenalin kicked in, i needed to survive, they had backed off a bit, i got to my feet, and ran in2 the woods but could hear more chasing behind me, could hardly breath, but i didnt know ide got a collapsed lung, blood pouring from my mouth, the noises stopped behind me and i managed to get to a farm house where i collapsed and the owner called an ambulance, i sort of remember the lady of the house telling her husband she didnt think i was going to make it and for the ambulance to hurry, i thought i was dying.
Ive now been out of hospital for one and a half mths, i dont go out much at all, i dont sleep, the attack has realy affected me, ‘Post traumatic stress dissorder’.
Ive heard nothing at all off my ex, not that ide want her back after this, but there has been no concern for my near death, so in 2 days i lost my partner who i loved, and almost lost my life, its turned me into someone else, im not the same bloke anymore, oh it comes out very occassionaly for a bit, but then reality hits like a train, i cant see any point in living like this sometimes, im on sedatives, sleeping tablets (still dont sleep much, just incase of retaliation) police involved you see.
Drives me to dispair 80% of the time, is it the 20% that stops me overdosing, connecting the exhaust up to the car, i dont know, but im sort of scared that i’ll do it when im at my lowest, i know im capable of it, it may happen, i dont know yet. i have a load of different tablets in a box for when i need them, its my ‘get out box’, my ticket out of this crap life ive been put into, talking to someone about it only helps at the time, but my life is still the same when their gone. im not leaving this note to say dont do it, everybodys breaking point is different, but for anyone feeling in the same boat i know how you feel, its not good, would it matter to anyone if i was gone, i dont think so………
13 comments
Your life is too precious to end. I understand its very very hard right now after what you have gone through. It seems whats depressing you from what i read is :
1. Your mom wanted a girl instead; please don’t let that bother you because your worth much more than what your mom thinks you are.
2. You lost your girlfriend somewhere and you got brutally almost beaten to death. – Find somebody who will help you, you need help, what about trying to reach out to people like maybe relatives or coworkers. You may have to find another love one who you can stick with and that won’t cause all this trouble. Don’t give up! 🙂
Wow, man, I’m really sorry to hear about everything that happened. Sometimes, all it takes is one really bad day (or so I’ve heard).
I won’t be able to help you, of course, and I’m not going to say I know exactly how you feel (everyone here is depressed for different reasons), but there are people out there who do know what it’s like, who wants to talk and help…hell, there’s even people out there who will just listen if that’s all you want.
I’m here to talk if you need it. I’m a great listener haha so email me if you want.
variousartists_ftw@yahoo.com
Thanks for your story, I’m sorry to read it as it’s quite saddening. I’m 17, far from your age and though we are strangers I feel some sort of connection. I hope that 20% increases.
Love, Summer.
I’m glad that you were able to make it through that horrible beating and I’m very sorry to hear about your relationship breaking down. You sound like a good guy who has just fallen down on some hard times and mixed with the wrong crowd. I would care if you took your life away… I know it doesn’t sound like much coming from somebody you have never met over the internet, but I truly feel upset when I read stories of people considering suicide because usually the person themselves aren’t deserving of the trauma and abuse or depression whatever that they have faced in their lives. Usually the person is the nicest most genuine people you could meet, who aren’t deserving of such a fate. So I truly from the bottom of my heart hope that you do not end your life.
If your partner hadn’t even considered to call you despite your near death experience than I think it’s better if you don’t see each other. Even if I had a fight with a friend I would call them if I had heard they had almost died. Although again there may be a possibility that she had not been told about your beating, so it may not be that she has completely stopped caring.
I’m not really sure of what else to say except that I hope everything can get better for you and that you can recover after such traumatic events. You sound like a good guy who has just mixed with the wrong people. Take care.
u need counseling for the ptd but dude it JUST happened a few weeka ago of course ur gonna be suicidal now, dang give it sometime to HEAL. why don’t you sue her family???? call the cops and get them put in jail, if u wait too long you’ll lose ur chance. who cares if theyre involved in gangs or whatever just get ur revenge on them by testifying against all of them then move to the u.s. haha move to texas or cali where the weather is warm and not all dreary like england. unless ur australian ……………
oh yeah and quit taking those pills cuz theyre total downers. but maybe you shouldn’t listen to me. i’m a total nutjob!
Thanks Adelleda…. your very right about how my life has gone, unfortunatly my partner did know, infact she came up the hospital the day after i was taken in, she looked realy guilty, didnt kiss or hold me, i still think that she sent her stepfather to stop me taking the car, he was drunk, it may have been something that got totally out of hand on his part with his friends.
So you see, she may even be a part of it, ( by accident, as such) she was asking me at the hospital what ide said to police……. 2 + 2 does make 4 on a lot of occasions, i just dont want to concider she may be.
Thanks again, it makes humanity that bit brighter to know there are still people like you here.
I have reported it to the law, thanks for your concern mate, as for moving to US, know anyone that needs a builder!!!! Not realy looking forward to court, police say he could get 14yrs – life, (GBH with intent)
Just wish it would all wash away, my head is mashed with questions spinning round my head but i cant grab hold of any, driving me mad.
Thanks buddy.
haha 14 years to life awesome, he deserves it, i would be so happy knowing that if i was in yourshoes. revenge makes me happy lol anyway once the case is over and you healed physicallu and then you stop talking to your ex (forever) for a while things should feel different. not promising better but different, just hold in thereeeeeeeeeee
Well by the sounds of it, she may have been a part of it but it sounds like the situation accidentally escalated to what it did. If the stepfather was inebriated than his judgment was most likely impaired which is why it got out of hand. Though it still should be dealt with accordingly if you feel it is necessary, because it was definitely not right. I agree with Blah123 that you should just get away from it just until everything can cool down, start afresh if you will to assess the situation, whether it is worth going back to repair relationships or if it is just better to start off new. I hope that everything goes well for you, and that you can start off with a clean slate if you choose to go off somewhere.
Back together seems improbable. There is forgiveness involved. Not just k3gt2 doing his part is difficult, but also from the next party’s members. What’s the real cause starting this? I don’t know.
I remember a case that a robber was accused of murder. It was a first time job. He robbed because he had to feed his family. He planned only at first to steal some food from the super market. Then he saw this victim flashing a pile of bills while paying at the counter. He then robbed. But this tall and big guy resisted. The robber then kicked his feet while struggling out causing the victim’s death. Many would say the robber deserved a death penalty. It’s an undeniable fact that he shouldn’t have robbed in the first place. But what’s really causing the death of the victim? Did the victim play a part?
very physicological Sai Chan, prevokes a lot of thought…if i was to play a part then yes, i played the part of being a southerner (uk) and alot of people from norfolk dislike southerners, ? the main person that assaulted me is very much a norfolk chap.
As this chap was my now Ex’s stepfather he always had a dislike for me, then 1 day while at the pub he gets a call to ask him to stop me taking ‘my’ car back, (with police authority), it all gets out of hand though, as my origonal writings at top of page explain.
Thank you for responding.
Yesterday my friend from abroad came visiting me. He let me see a note that he found interesting and wrote down that
originally said by a sort of monk to his father, saying–Have a mind that is out of the world, but do the earthly things.
He said that might be a motto that was meant for me. I said no. That is meant for your father. I am already doing that sort of thing for the past month. I’ve been treating myself as a dead man. But your father is still earth-bound with skeptical mind of the materialize world.
Or k3gt2, since your responding, may be it was meant for you, through my words.
I was a visitor in your south, finding disliked faces. Once I wanted a guitar that should be inexpensive, but I didn’t know the correct word to say. I asked for a cheap guitar. One of the salesman just mocked me and laughed with his head raised.
“What, we don’t sell cheap guitars here. Look for the pawnshops, you may find a lot.” The other salesman looked embarrassed by his colleague unkind words to a foreigner. Although I knew there are good and bad, but I found many deceiving gentlemen.
But at the north, I found many friendly faces that I still remembered.
From my experiences, I learned that I couldn’t have justice on my scale. Many times it should be a gain, but I got the loss.
I could only see that on the course of life, loss is inevitable. If to get every justice deserved by justice means,
I might say the outcome is still a loss, compared to the time, spirit, friendship spent or destroyed. It’s just not worthwhile. I lost a lot in the quest of love search. Hurt, and despair drained me.
But now I know. It’s just me taking too seriously. If to blame, I should be the most deserved. Because I chose my way.
The past were just my courses of life. If I don’t want it to happen again, I could only avoid it. Because I know I won’t change my behaviour.
But for you, if you can’t make the other party to accept you, would it be better to make them feeling guilty without hating you?
Of course, you can damn the accused, but will you really get a gain from it?