August 4th, 2009 by CJ

I’m going to apologize, to begin with, in case anyone sees the next few paragraphs as ridiculous (you probably will).

I absolutely cannot go on. What was keeping me back before has now dissipated, and I have no doubt in my mind this is what I am going to do.

Yesterday, I was lucky enough to look into my brothers email account. There I found all the elicit emails between him and his horrible girlfriend. Their topic of choice? How they detest me for making them part. Emails to all my former friends, as well. Every single email. Just looking at the words she wrote gave me a small panic attack. I found out they’ve been meeting up secretly. They talked on and on about how stupid I am and how they wished I wasn’t here. Well, they will certainly get their wish. I cried for a half an hour after reading those emails. All of these secrets that I’m forced to keep are literally eating me alive. I can’ tell them to my parents. My brother knows about my former drug habit, and will expose me if I tell. I have no friends, no counselor, no teacher, no one.  I’m at a dead end here guys.

When I cried… it wasn’t even so much about the emails. It was about how devastated at how much a monster my brother has become. We were inseparable when we were little. We were each others best friends. I was a small when I was a child, and he would defend me against anyone who tried to intimidate, like any brother should. Laughing, carefree, pure. How things could get as fucked up as this… I don’t even know. My brother isn’t my brother anymore. How I would love to have those times back. But, I can’t. I never will. I hate my brother so much now, those pleasant times we had as children almost seemed like a waste of time.

I’m not even going to wait for my garden to bloom. I figured I will be cremated, and my ashes spread into my garden. I think they’ll grow better that way anyway.



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