I’m going to apologize, to begin with, in case anyone sees the next few paragraphs as ridiculous (you probably will).
I absolutely cannot go on. What was keeping me back before has now dissipated, and I have no doubt in my mind this is what I am going to do.
Yesterday, I was lucky enough to look into my brothers email account. There I found all the elicit emails between him and his horrible girlfriend. Their topic of choice? How they detest me for making them part. Emails to all my former friends, as well. Every single email. Just looking at the words she wrote gave me a small panic attack. I found out they’ve been meeting up secretly. They talked on and on about how stupid I am and how they wished I wasn’t here. Well, they will certainly get their wish. I cried for a half an hour after reading those emails. All of these secrets that I’m forced to keep are literally eating me alive. I can’ tell them to my parents. My brother knows about my former drug habit, and will expose me if I tell. I have no friends, no counselor, no teacher, no one.  I’m at a dead end here guys.
When I cried… it wasn’t even so much about the emails. It was about how devastated at how much a monster my brother has become. We were inseparable when we were little. We were each others best friends. I was a small when I was a child, and he would defend me against anyone who tried to intimidate, like any brother should. Laughing, carefree, pure. How things could get as fucked up as this… I don’t even know. My brother isn’t my brother anymore. How I would love to have those times back. But, I can’t. I never will. I hate my brother so much now, those pleasant times we had as children almost seemed like a waste of time.
I’m not even going to wait for my garden to bloom. I figured I will be cremated, and my ashes spread into my garden. I think they’ll grow better that way anyway.
Sincerely,
Cassidy
6 comments
cassidy,
Don’t put your ashes in your garden, unfinished business on earth will haunt you even after you’re dead, even worse. The garden will become a grave, a haunting ground, where your soul will dwell with extreme pain, since without an intact brain. The soul will appear at one corner, then the next corner, as if a jerky. You’d better find elsewhere that is in the open, a splendid view that blinding your eyes will still give you the feeling of air of comfort, then it is the place where you scatter your ashes. Dust to dust. Stop thinking of growing your ashes inside your garden.
Your garden is now a cage and you within it. Even one day you break out from it, you will still be feeling alone and longing to come back and be locked. Better find a meadow first, or some open ground that you feel comfort about, and you can still come back to say greetings to the inmates you befriend. Set free yourself, you are now in jail but segregated housing.
Ok, well first off let me say that your brother is a total ass-hole, (you probably all ready know that, duh.) Well anyways, I’m proud of you for sticking in after all that you have gone through, I look up to you for that, it’s amazing. Coming across those e-mails could have been a blessing becuase you know your brothers true feelings, but don’t worry what him and his jack ass of a girfriend have to say, don’t pay any attention to it at all. If he feels like that, let him; and let his girlfriend too. Becuase they obviously have no brains what so ever to think it is YOUR fault. Of what you’ve posted before, it is most CERTIANLY NOT your fault, and I dont want you thinking that for one minute. If they detest you let them be shallow and stupid and horrible and cruel. They sound like they don’t have as much insight in both of their bodies combined as you have in one eyelash. Don’t kill youself, I’m sure that if you find at least ONE person who truely and utterly cares about you, you’ll be all right. Life is extremely hard, my close uncle just died, there’s misshaps. You have to deal with them, and killing yourself, well its letting them win. Do you want them to win? I know sometimes you feel like you CAN NOT go on anymore, there’s no purpose too you, well you sound amazing, don’t let two complete idiots ruin your life, please, my eyes are watering right now, becuase I feel sooo bad for you. Stick in there please, if you can’t go on any longer let it be. Just remeber there are people out there who are caring for you, like me. I’m crying for you, and I don’t know who you are! Please hang in there, please. For me?(: Love, Jess. (You can do it, I know you can.)
Jessica,
Happiness is not how much you can have,
but is how much you can care less!
I think you just need some personal time away from your brother. It will all blow over, it always does. Try to be the bigger person and try to rekindle that awesome brother-sister relationship you guys used to have.
I’m dealing with something similar with my sister. We had issues and I basically flat out ignored her and went my own way for a few years.. now I’m re-discovering her and fortunate to have her in my life again.
Yo hang on….your brother and the scary girl isn’t your whole life. It is highly upsetting that your brother doesn’t care about you anymore, but maybe you should start working toward not caring about him much because it is suicidal to care (even to hate on him) about him. The sad thing about amazing friendships is that you can grow out of them and it’s hard to move on…i know that first hand…but you feel better once you succeed. Treasure the good times with your brother, feel happy that you were happy for that part of your life. Cassidy you sound so sweet. I know how much work it takes to have a garden. Hang in there, if your brother ever disappears from your life…which is devastating/awesome, you’ll be able to go on, talk to me girl, i’ll listen like I have with ur other posts.
Jessica, sorry to hear of your dasterly brother and his behaviour. I have 6 siblings, all of them adopted, and well you can imagine the emotional problems growing up in my house.
Recently I moved back East from a very happy existence in California, where I had almost no contact with me family, because of the economy. This brought me to my only 2 siblings I really had any connection to/feelings for, and I experienced similar betrayal that you recieved from your brother. Within weeks, I was having suicidal thoughts. On three separate occassions, I found myself in a hotel room, with a .357 pressed to my chest. And not once could I follow through.
I believe that being exposed to my siblings terrible behaviour during a really trying time brought these life long issues to light, and my desire for suicide was really a way to get them to stop being such poor human beings. Each “attempt” it became clearer to me that these relationships had died many years ago, and that my life was not going to be wasted trying to get them to be good people, loving siblings.
Some times you have to divorce a family member, just like you would a girlfriend/boyfriend or close friend. These people should treat you better than any other person, in ALL situations. This is difficult, because giult will attach. But eventually, if you have some other support and firm resolve, you will come to terms with the decision. You will feel much better. Trying to hold on, stay connected, had only made me unhappy and weak. Takes some time and work but think about making a clean, permanent break from your brother and see what happens.