some place else

Not that I want to be dead, really. I want to be saved. Loved, maybe? Not feel completely alone on this earth. I know there is people off much worse than I, which makes me feel guilty about the way I look at my own life. People without anything really. I have a pretty good job and my family hasn’t completely fallen apart. Slowly it’s fading, but then again, what doesn’t? My “best friend” refuses to talk to me anymore. It’s been a really long time. I don’t think she will forget about anything and I don’t think she will be my friend again even after school starts. I don’t get to talk to anybody else so now she is gone so is every one else. I don’t know who I will end up talking to at school or if I will at all. I don’t mind being alone. But, I don’t want to be alone in public, really. It’s not that I’m scared. I just don’t want to be a complete reject even more so than I am now. I don’t have much of a life other than the one that is always stuck inside me. I don’t really know how to express myself/my feelings. I am just locked in my world with a few people I care about. I can make up anything I wish. I get carried away and lost in this world I call my own. I forget to go to reality and it’s uncontrollable. When I go the the real world I am just cold and alone. My body is numb and my heart is out of my chest. I find myself holding my breath more and more. Maybe I can hold it long enough to be dead. I never do and I know that I can’t. Today I was working on something and noticed my whole hand was all red and it was dripping down. I didn’t feel a thing. I was just lost. I never slowed down on what I was doing. I never felt it at all. It didn’t bother me. I liked the idea. “Maybe I can cut myself and bleed to death?” Is all I could think about it. A few moments my dad said something and helped me clean it up. I was like in some trance, though. I hardly noticed what I was doing. I was just out of it. Normally when I go totally out of it like that I am alone. My dad kept asking me if I was okay because he said I was white and stuff. I’m not sure what I said but it was such an odd feeling. I’m not sure where this all is going. I don’t really know what to say. I just feel so alone. I long for this one guy I know I can’t have. It hurts to think about him. I think about him all the time, though. I don’t get it. We have dated before over two years ago. Shouldn’t I be over him? I hate I want him so much and that I always think of him. He is the reason I haven’t killed myself so far. I have bee able to at least text him. I told him everything. He listened and remebered things I don’t even remeber saying to anyone. He has always been there. I know I should have just never spoke to him after the breakup… but I did. And I’m here to day, over two years later still thinking about him. Every little thing replays through my mind over and over again. I am so happy. Then I realize It’s not real… I get all sad and depressed again and start to cry. I hide this from most people. I just stay quiet and think that if I am quiet then they wont notice. Sometimes people ask if I’m okay. I say I’m fine, of course. They caught me. I wasn’t alright. I get nervous when I realize why they asked. It takes me a while to recover a lot of the time. Only when I am thinking about him though. I hate to be recognized like this. I hate to be caught off guard. I don’t want anyone to see the real me. I mean I do want them to know the real me, but I don’t, you know? I don’t want to be all seen all depressed because then it gets other people down and then there is no one to take your mind of of it in any way at all. Even if my mind is off of it/ him for a short time it allows me to be just me for a little while. It feels good and lets me grab some air. Then I can go to my world and think of good things that happened and make some things up and just fantasize. I can get my hope up before it crashes. When I can’t talk to him I want to go get a pistol and some bullets, or a razor. Whichever may be fine with me. To me, there about the same. But over the counter drugs didn’t work so I’m thinking I will try something different this time. Maybe just find a strong rope or something. It is so hard to do any of this. It’s also so hard to not do this. Because I don’t really want it. I just want to not be so alone. I want just one person to care for me as much as I care for him. I didn’t think it was so much to ask but I guess it is. I should just forget about it all. Forget about him. Forget everything. If only it was that easy. To have someone love you the same as you love them. So many people in this world I can’ not even meet. I can’t take my mind off of him. I’ve tried but when I have nothing else then I start to write about him like I am now. He is the one person that understands me the most. H knows pretty much how I feel about him. He flirts back and it hurts so much though. I can’t stand it. So many mixed emotions about him are here. I am the last person he would go to for anything and he is the first person I run to for anything. I have to go, but that is the only reason I am stopping because I could go on forever about this. No one cares anyways. I just have to get a little out of my head and some place else for now.