I don’t want to feel pain anymore. The last year of my life has just been spiraling down into oblivion. I lost my job and now work part-time at a grocery store. I make less than half the amount I used to at my previous job. Because of this job, I am in constant physical pain and have thrown my back out more times than I care to mention. I keep applying to jobs and come in as a finalist for those positions, but never make it as the chosen one. My live-in boyfriend of almost 4 years has a tumor in his brain, no job because of his seizures, and is trying to make it through college online. My income is the only income of the household. My 7 year old son has been having issues at school with bullies, but that issue has recently dissolved.
To make matters worse, I just found out that my boyfriend been cheating on me. How long? I don’t know. Maybe since the beginning. He didn’t tell me, I found out by checking what time it was on his phone and a text popped up from another woman saying how much she loves him and how much she wishes they could be together at that time.
Everything between us was going ok as far as I knew. We had been coping with the issues of his tumor, but other than that I could’ve sworn that we were a wonderful couple. I always felt as though we could tell each other everything and anything. We could always make each other laugh, no matter what the circumstances. He has been everything to me for the last 4 years.
I have done everything for this man. I have given up so much just because I love him to no end. I have supported him through such difficult times and always have put him first in our relationship. He has 4 daughters, 2 of which have stayed here numerous times. I enjoy them being here, but feel obligated to make extra effort to be fun. I have been asked to spend money on them, and have, although how tight our budget is currently.
He started having cunvulsions last night so he went to sleep in our bed and won’t talk to me. I just don’t understand why people lie. It would be so much easier if he would hit me. I could at least fight back.
My 7 year old son is the only thing that makes me not take my life. I don’t want to hurt him. He has been my saving grace since I found out that I was pregnant. I’ve always believed God sent him to me so I would change my life for the better, but right now I’m at the end of my rope wondering if I should just leap off the edge.
For the past few months, I haven’t been able to sleep and I’ve gained some weight. My body is in constant turmoil from my job. I’m 25 years old and feel as though this is where it will all end. I feel like I’m in my 50s. I’m wondering if I’ll ever make it to 30 or even 26. I just can’t stand the pain of life anymore. I just can’t do this anymore.