I don’t want to feel pain anymore. The last year of my life has just been spiraling down into oblivion. I lost my job and now work part-time at a grocery store. I make less than half the amount I used to at my previous job. Because of this job, I am in constant physical pain and have thrown my back out more times than I care to mention. I keep applying to jobs and come in as a finalist for those positions, but never make it as the chosen one. My live-in boyfriend of almost 4 years has a tumor in his brain, no job because of his seizures, and is trying to make it through college online. My income is the only income of the household. My 7 year old son has been having issues at school with bullies, but that issue has recently dissolved.
To make matters worse, I just found out that my boyfriend been cheating on me. How long? I don’t know. Maybe since the beginning. He didn’t tell me, I found out by checking what time it was on his phone and a text popped up from another woman saying how much she loves him and how much she wishes they could be together at that time.
Everything between us was going ok as far as I knew. We had been coping with the issues of his tumor, but other than that I could’ve sworn that we were a wonderful couple. I always felt as though we could tell each other everything and anything. We could always make each other laugh, no matter what the circumstances. He has been everything to me for the last 4 years.
I have done everything for this man. I have given up so much just because I love him to no end. I have supported him through such difficult times and always have put him first in our relationship. He has 4 daughters, 2 of which have stayed here numerous times. I enjoy them being here, but feel obligated to make extra effort to be fun. I have been asked to spend money on them, and have, although how tight our budget is currently.
He started having cunvulsions last night so he went to sleep in our bed and won’t talk to me. I just don’t understand why people lie. It would be so much easier if he would hit me. I could at least fight back.
My 7 year old son is the only thing that makes me not take my life. I don’t want to hurt him. He has been my saving grace since I found out that I was pregnant. I’ve always believed God sent him to me so I would change my life for the better, but right now I’m at the end of my rope wondering if I should just leap off the edge.
For the past few months, I haven’t been able to sleep and I’ve gained some weight. My body is in constant turmoil from my job. I’m 25 years old and feel as though this is where it will all end. I feel like I’m in my 50s. I’m wondering if I’ll ever make it to 30 or even 26. I just can’t stand the pain of life anymore. I just can’t do this anymore.
7 comments
Hi,
Before you take your own life, why don’t you just leave your boyfriend?
It is admirable to have compassion for someone who is sick. You are a good person for sticking by him. Unfortunately, seizures or no, he doesn’t care for or appreciate you. You are not his partner; you are his meal ticket and his nurse.
Sick or not he has no right to take advantage of you and it is even worse that he uses his illness to hold you hostage in the relationship. You owe it to yourself and your child to leave and find someone who loves you.
Buddha described love as wanting the other person to be happy. Can you honestly say that your boyfriend has no motivation other then your happiness? The close enemy of love is conditional love. Using the other person for your own happiness. Sounds like your situation. I hope you don’t kill yourself. Leave this dude and find someone who loves you.
James
My son is out at school. I slowly walk towards the bastard who is sleeping with his big dreams. I stand besides him. And I start slapping him left and right and then left, of course I avoid his ears. Shortly after, he has grabbed my arms.
Before he can tell me I am crazy, I already speak my mind. You lying bastard. I love you so much. I love even your daughters. But you cheated behind my back. I am down. I am sad. No one will comfort me. You drove me to suicide. And that nearly killed me. I just want you to know how much you’ve hurt me. You are a selfish bastard.
If he tells me he is sorry and loves me and embraces me, I will embrace him back, and forgive him. Afterall he is just an insatiable man releasing his pressure outside on other woman.
But then he slaps me back or calls 911 and have me arrested, I’ll leave him.
Or he gets raged so much and kills me, I may have to consider my son’s future before doing all this.
I don’t know what you should do. I just imagined if I were you. First, I don’t have a son. Secondly, I don’t have a boyfriend. Thirdly, I am a man. And lastly, I may not be normal. I just want you to know that I care.
Two people living together, not just love is contagious, but also hate.
Sometimes a stale room without fresh air can make people sick.
Better think of something that can provide a fresh change of mind.
Don’t hide your emotions. Speak it out. Communicate!
Thank you. My out look on life has changed over the past few hours. I know I could never hurt myself because of my son. I would never do that to him. But sometimes the pain of life becomes immobilizing almost. I’m normally a very positive person… kinda always had to be. Sometimes it’s just hard because everyone expects so much from me. I always have to smile or else people won’t stop asking me what’s wrong with me or if I’m mad at them. I don’t expect much from people, just honesty. When I’ve been lied to, I feel betrayed because I don’t lie to people. It kills me a little inside. I try to be the best I can be, but when you don’t get many breaks in life, it’s hard to be positive all the time. I’m just babbling now and I’m sorry, but I don’t understand how some people choose to be dishonest.
BTW… I’m going to try to work things out with him. I probably shouldn’t but everyone deserves a second chance and I love him very much. I guess time will tell whether we can make this work, though.
Thank you for caring. It means more to me than you know.
Julie,
Lies usually are from one that has low self-esteem.
But men should be in order not to tell his previous romances and any in the future, because his closest partner can’t stand any bit of it.
That’s normal for men. And treated as prudence for women.
Only a stupid and stubborn mind like me, thinking all those are just past experiences, never should secret be kept in my heart.
Although I’ve learned my lessons, I just can’t help being stupid and stubborn.
Also one always tends to like the opposite, men like women, women like men, mothers like sons, fathers like daughters,
quiet likes outgoing, stupid likes smart, ugly likes pretty……..
Problems of course will be certain. But that’s life!
Keep in mind that whenever you encounter problems, find someone that you can talk to.
Smile, not to people, but genuinely to yourself.
I don’t have many people in my life that I can talk to. Most of my female friends have stabbed me in the back at one point or another and my most of my male friends have moved from the area or are the type of people that have short attention spans. Most people in my life (family included) are rather judgmental and would rather talk than listen. I’ve tried counseling in the past, but didn’t really care for their methods. Also, I can no longer afford counseling. My boyfriend (I shall just call him B) and I have talked about his issues. He comes from a line of cheaters (Grandfather & Father) and has dealt with this issue since he was younger, but since he met me has made the effort to stop. He told me that his feelings for this woman are not sexual, just friendship. She has cancer and understands more what he is going through with his tumor. She also has problems with men (she does not love her husband but stays with him because he can support her and her child) and just needs someone to talk to. I may be naive, but I also know that I have male friends and B trusts me not to do anything with them. One thing that bothers me, though, is that she writes “I love you”. I think she wants to be with him even though he swears he has no interest in her. I know where she works and I’m very tempted to confront her. I want my relationship with B to work. I have never been closer to another human being and I truly believe that B loves me. It will take a lot of work for us to get things back to they way they once were, but B has promised to try to be more open about this. I know I sound like the stupidest woman in the world (I’m actually quite the opposite) but if I don’t try to make this work, I will always wonder if I made the biggest mistake of my life.
Julie,
I am very glad to see that your behaviour have changed towards the good way.
You’re in right path of facing the problems.
Follow your instinct. You are now really showing your real potential. I know you can achieve the best.
But about that girl, the more likely you’ll get is—-Well, we like each other, and we share each other’s pain. But what have you done to him causing him to find comfort in me—-Yes, we both care and love each other. Sex?
I don’t think you have the right to ask me that—-Yes, we did and we climaxed at the same time.
It will be all negative that you won’t want to hear.
But unless there was really a case with proven specimen in underwear, or sperms in condom, or photos of real thing happened,
otherwise you’ll just get more doubts.
Since you believe your man loving you, why can’t you put all doubts behind?
Have you opened the windows? I mean real windows, to let more fresh air in.
There is one thing I keep wondering. Is your ex-the one in jail still kicking well?
I’m glad you didn’t hurt yourself. I know the feeling of defeat but I don’t have a child-that’s actually part of the hurt. Sorry but I think if B is well enough to get his mac on, he’s well enough to work! I’m no one to judge and I myself need to get out of a too long and too wrong relationship but I think you need to stop tip toeing around what other people need and put yourself first. It’s ok to put yourself first-chances are no one else will so you gotta! Good luck