Yes, I am up at 3 am, on a suicide blog, trying to make sense of ANYTHING that is going through my head. I feel completely lost, and emotionless every single day. I’m writing this because I’m afraid. Really really afraid. I finally graduated highschool this year. I anticipatingly dragged myself through my last year hoping with every thing that I had that somehow I would be free from everything once I got out of that place.
I became friends with a girl who was loud, and really didnt have any morals. All my friends hated her. I thought she was simply amazing. She listened to me and shared the same thoughts on everything I had. All my friends were saying that I changed over the summer and that I had left everyone for her. I confided in my friend and she was the only one that was there along with my other best friend.. the only ones that made me happy. The first week of school could’ve been the hardest week of my life. Absolutely none of my friends from before would talk to me. I could swear that everyone was talking about me. But then quickly thought it was all in my head. Then, a girl whom I was friends with on my bus told me that everyone was talking about me today. I cried the whole bus ride home. I ended up crying in the stalls at school every lunch. Crying on the bus ride in the morning and at night ( my bus ride is an hour and a half), crying myself to sleep. At that time I hadnt ever told my parents that I wasnt happy.. and that something was wrong in my life. I didnt make sense of it until the first day of school that I was depressed. I could recall my last happy moment being in grade 7 when I found out that marshmellow guns existed. After enduring my second day of school I had no choice but to tell my mother. It was 1 am and I went upstairs, she was sleeping, I was sobing intensly and I woke her up. I explained everything. She was really shocked. I felt as if I couldnt go back to school, ever again. But of course I had too. I had a doctors appointment the next day. Cried and cried some more. My first therapy session started 3 months after. What dumbasses. I dont really understand doctors these days but anyways. Ive had 2 doctors this year. And I feel as if things are worse. I have heavy anxiety. Im afraid to do anything.. when I walk I look at my feet. I dont leave my house, ever. I dont know how to react or make a conversation with someone besides my family. I cant get a job. I dont know what I love, or what I like for that matter. I dont even know what I dont like. All of this makes me feel like im an abnormal teenager. Im too afraid to get my drivers license because Im afraid of myself. Im taking a year off because I dont know what I would do to myself if I was away for year.. but I dont want to stay at home. The strange thing is, my depression is horrible at night. Im afraid of night time. Its not like the kiddish fear of darkness. I just feel afraid about the fact that everyone is sleeping. After graduating, nothing got better.Â I had two good friends through out the year. One that understood every single aspect of me because I explained in GREAT detailÂ how I felt everyday. He was there for me alot. But he changed. He got popular.Â The other girl I supposibly leftÂ all my friends for has a split personality with me. She treats me like dirt. Im not happy around her.Â So now, im friendless.. while every teenager is out drinking and partying with their endless amount of friends.Â I do nothing. I sleep until 4, eat, go back o bed. Wake up at 11 go to bed at 5 am. I feel like my fears go away when the sun comes up. With alot of time to myself, I have been thinking of the ways to die. And I came with the conclusion that I would do it with pills. A couple of days ago, I attempted suicide. Im tired of living. Because im not even alive. I dont feel anything. I just am tired of having this sickning feeling in myself that makes me feel uneasy every moment of everyday. Everything reminds me of death. I associate everything with suicide. I dont understand myself because im an optimistic suicidal type of person. I dont want others to kill themselves. I go through phases of.. life is beautiful, things will be okay… but its a vicious circle. I just want to be happy. And I do want to die. And im afraid that I might have 2 people inside of me. One who wants me to be alive and one who wants to kill me.. and Im afraid of her. Im just afraid of my futur. What if nothing turns out good? Right now I know that im just a kid. But I cant think of myself at 40 and hating life then.. knowing that I wasted all these years living in hell while I could be in place thats painless. My soul feels like its weighs a ton and its dragging on the ground. I dont like feeling sick inside like this.