I feel so depressed i can’t concentrate I get so agitated just being here all I’ve been having is thoughts about killing myself there’s nothing worth living for, even in my dreams I dream about killing myself you know how bad that is when you dream about it all I want to do is to end it all. when I do not feel right I rather be In a dark room and just seclude my self away from the world and drink my life away.
i find myself at times where i don’t like to be around my family and friends. i stay at home a lot now and never like to answer my phones I’d rather be alone then be with anyone i had these feeling since i was 10 i think of suicide everyday but when i try to do it i cant because i do not want to go to hell which makes it worse my life seems to be crashing down by the second i feel so empty i rather feel pain then feel like this i hide behind the smile on my face but i really crying behind it all i just hurt so much i might look like I’m fine on the outside but i am broken on the inside i feel so tired so drained every day i pray that i wont wake up the next day i wish i was never bornÂ i justÂ want to die so bad i cant stand to be on this earth anymore.
I am ashamed of my life I find it hard to trust anyone I’m around I am forced to fake a smile a laugh everyday of my life I try my hardest to forget everything I donâ€™t know how to let anyone els in. I have to take pills and drink just for me to forget the memories I have.
When I’m in school and I finish studying or reading a book I can’t remember anything I just did. I can’t stand working In groups because they just keep talking I can’t concentrate so I end up just dropping the class early and try it again another semester I can’t sit still in class which makes it worst I feel like I have to keep moving around nonstop more like I feel like my mind is racing all the time. It sometimes helps me to work and I mean a lot I will work my self so hard at the hospitals that sometimes when I get home I will sometimes just pass out in my scrubs from how tired I am. I will work about 128hrs a week and 384hrs a month because that’s all that will help me stop thinking about taking my life.
I can’t remember one holiday that was happy or one birthday that was good my dad was depressed or in a bad moods we could never have friends over and we could never stay over at any friends houses and the way are parents would try to say sorry was to bribe us with money or buying us stuff. When my dad would give us money I would say a few hrs later he would take it back and buy drugs with it. He could never keep a promises that’s going with my mom too they would never come to any school things that went on like band concerts etc, my parents would avoid any social gathering that went on we would always be stuck at the house.
I have flash backs from when my dad hit my mom when he threw my sister out of the house when he threw my brother out of the house when he made me call my mom at work and made me tell her off with her coworkers listening and on somedays when I would come home everything in the house would be broken and when we lived at our other house on Dakota my dad came rampaging through the house and my mom would lock the bedroom door and my dad would try to break down the door and we would all jump out the window and run to the car and the time my dad would hit us with a belt and all the times I had to stay at a hotel or sleep in a car never knowing day to day if my dad would be so pissed we would have to leave again which also made it hard for me in school and when my mom would tell me that she would have to leave for a little bit and we would have to stay with our dad. my dad would even hold any little thing we did over our heads and any time that he would be in a bad mood he would use it over us. I would have to sneak cloths and other stuff out to my sister when my dad was not watching I had to watch my dad come to my place and watch him threaten my brother saying that he was going to kill him and watching him drag my mom out of our place theres more stuff its just i don’t feel like talking about it it’s bringing too many bad memoriesÂ for me and making it feel worse for me.
Everyday I think about killing myself somedays I feel I should just walk into the middle of the street and get hit by a car or I should just down a bottle of pills I tried to drive my car off a bridge into the free way but my tires blew out to early and It staled out but when I turn 21 I will buy a gun and just end it all on the spot and just get it over with there is nothing for me to live for.
now i have been having really bad panic attacks and the other day it was so bad i called you because i had a rope in my hands and was about to hang myself in the garage i started freaking out and left and meet you guys at uptown that whole day i was breaking down i was about to cry everywhere we went elephant bar, sagebrush, balloon fiesta, movies that was the second time i have really tried to kill myself i am really messed up and I am on the edge.
I am now having feelings of rage and hate all day I wanted to hurt myself so bad I wish I had a normalÂ life I’m so depressed I would be better off dead then living like his.
The other day when I went to the hospital they thought it was for anxiety it wasn’t it was for me overdosing myself on sleeping pills but now that they gave me Ativan I now have the amount to kill myself.
You really wanna know how things are for me.
That’s how I really feel!
That’s what’s really wrong!
That’s how things are really going for me!
My life is all fucking shit and I’m on my last thread!