Iâ€™m unfortunately at the point where writing a bunch seems pointless because no one seems to want to hear anything I have to say. But, what the heck, I’ll say it to no one.
It is strange though, that the world that has kicked me around all my life, and still does, says, â€œDonâ€™t do it, talk to someone!â€ But they seem to add, without saying it, â€œbut not me, not honestly. Iâ€™m just here to spout platitudes at you and tell you it will be all right.â€
Iâ€™ve figured out that it isnâ€™t going to be all right. Iâ€™m 33, Iâ€™ve been depressed off and on since 10. Iâ€™ve been on most existing meds, Iâ€™ve had sixteen ECT treatments, Iâ€™ve been in therapy most of my life. Itâ€™s been four years now since the latest depression began, and itâ€™s not ending.
I carry a great deal of guilt about what this will do to my amazing husband; he is the only reason Iâ€™ve stuck around this long. But, I am growing weary. I canâ€™t stand this world, and I really canâ€™t stand most people in it. I donâ€™t want to make it better, I just want to leave it behind. Iâ€™ve decided to wait until after the holidays, because I donâ€™t want my husband to have that view of x-mas every year, but the time is near.
To all those that try to save people here and mean well: Iâ€™m sorry you were so hurt by someone, and Iâ€™m sorry you see it as selfish, but wanting us to be in so much pain for so many years is selfish too. I spent a few decades trying to make the world better. Itâ€™s not. Iâ€™m done.