I googled SUICIDE and then was led to the site.Probably,I am the most special person who posted.I am not American,Chinese instead,and still in China.But I still want to post mine with broken Englsih,and I hope you can understand what I mean.
I am gay,which seems to be the most reason related to my suicidal thoughts.I am forced to be in the closet.Everyone around me hates gay very much.well,they would not hit gay people but pooh-pooh instead.I don’t want to be isolated or looked as freak.Once I tried to tell my mum,I wanted to tell her,your son is gay,that’s the truth.But I didn’t.I told her by making up that one of my friends is gay.She said with contempt,What a shame I feel so sorry for his parents You need to stay away from him.What else could I say?I chose silence.I can’t tell anyone about my sexual orientation,even my close friends.
I have suffered so much and been leading so miserable life.I have to lie and keep lying for what I lied.I hate lying,I don’t want to be a liar,but I have to.I lied to my parents,lied to my friends,lied to myself.I am convinced that if I tell anyone about that,I will lose everything.My reputation would be ruined.That is the last thing I don’t want to see.I feel so lonely and isolated.I think I stand enough and can’t do any more.
I keep praying to God,Father,please take me away,please.I just want to get rid of all of these.I am not myself and don’t know where my future is.Sometimes,I wish I was an American or Eroupean or straight guy.I am so weary and exhausted.I believe in that God will let me be reborn and never be gay especially Chinese gay.But I am not sure if God would do that.I am not happy,I don’t live the life I want.
It seems so impossible to change anything.I want to be reborn with dignity rather than be treated like freak.
All above are what I thought and think.If you are interested in droping a line,Email:jeasomkate@gamil.com,that would be really appreciated.I really want to talk to someone who wouldn’t treat me like freak or loser.My name is Jason,2
1 comment
I won’t treat you like a freak or a loser. Talk to me: something90909@gmail.com