hey. uhh, well i haven’t been on here in a while. you might be thinking ‘yay, good for you’! wrong. My life has gotten eons worse and there’s absolutely nothing i can do about it. My mom bashes on me every day about not eating right and about how i look anorexic and how she’s going to make me go get blood drawn multiple times for tests to see if i’m malnourished. She knows i hate needles and how weak-at-the-knees i get about getting blood drawn. She sometimes hits me now. I haven’t told anyone that, not even my almost-girlfriend. That’s another problem i have. I’m a 12 year old girl and i’m already pretty much in love. With another girl. I really wanna ‘go out’ with her and stuff, but i’m afraid of all of the bad things that could happen to us. My mom alone would literally rip me into shreds. The snotty kids at school would probably tease us, or worse, beat us up or make up rumors or SOMETHING. All that would probably cause our other best friends to slowly start slipping away because they’re embarassed to be around the outcasts. I’m afraid that that will happen, that’s why i never made the move to ask her out or anything. I’m pretty much always in a constant black hole that’s surrounded by suicidal thoughts, overdosing , thinking about cutting myself (again after almost 4 months of not doing it!), and literally just holding a knife in my lap for two hours, thinking about killing myself and should i do it now? or maybe i should wait till no one’s home. I haven’t come THAT close to killing myself, but i have it pretty much planned out, and have somewhat attempted. I’m so scared of myself, all the time. I’m afraid that some day, one little thing is just going to make me snap, and i’ll just kill myself right then and there. I haven’t told anyone ANY of this, so you can imagine how much i’m keeping inside and how a little thing could just make me fucking flip. Anyways, literally every day i think to myself: ‘i want to die. i’m going to fucking kill myself. God, KILL ME NOW.’ the other day i scared myself shitless cuz i wished that a car would crash into mine just so i would have a legitimate reason for dying. I’m so fucked up and i can’t fucking TAKE IT. Also, i never sleep anymore. I mean, i sleep, but not well. I’m always up and no matter how tired i am, i just can’t fall asleep. and when i do, i have nightmares, so i wake up in the middle of the night anyways, and still can’t sleep. i’ve been having nightmares this whole month, and half of november, whenever i sleep. when i don’t i literally stay up until 4 am, just sitting there. then i finally fall asleep for three hours and have to endure six hours of school plus an extra 2 or 3 hours of play rehearsal. And as for my mom thinking i’m anorexic, she’s mentally challenged(not seriously, i’m just being mean haha). I eat. she sees me eat. i live in an apartment with thin walls so i can’t be bulimic ’cause someone would find out. at school, i couldn’t not eat because the teachers would notice. and i can’t make myself throw up in the school bathrooms because someone else would find out because the girls bathroom is ALWAYS full. So there isn’t ANY WAY i could be bulimic or anorexic. Sorry to change the subject so much, but my grades seem to be slipping, too. Science, which used to be like my best subject, i’m getting b’s on the quizzes and tests now. My test average is 88. I know it may sound good and you might be like ‘wtf is she mental? b’s are good!’, but i ALWAYS get straight a’s. it’s just who i am. i’m still getting an a in science, but it still bums me out when i get grades lower than my usual. My mom also yells at me for whatever reason she can get her brain to think of. I’m constantly getting yelled at for not doing things around the house, when she’d be the one shoving her fat fucking face with shit and i’d be doing the dishes. She also makes me feel like i’m worthless crap. Whenever i bring home good grades, she waves them off as if they’re no better than an F or a D. And i hear about kids saying ‘yes! Maybe i can go out to dinner tonight ’cause i got a’s and b’s!’ and i’d be thinking ‘maybe my mom won’t yell at me as much cuz i got all a’s’. So yeah. i’m pretty much done for now. Thanks to whomever for reading, you don’t have to comment, but if you do, it is VERY appreciated.
love and peace, clara
7 comments
hi clara,
i know exactly how you feel.
well i hate to sound like some kind of therapist but your seems to be having the “snowball effect”,one problem after another,it just gets bigger and bigger until you have absolutley no idea what to do. well,i assure you, it will be okay. i am a 15 year oldlesbian, and if you are truely gay/bisexual,and not trying to follow this new trend that seems to be arising.(not saying you are, its just a fact amogst young girls/boys that being”bi” or “gay” is oh-so-cool.) speaking as if you truely are,i think you and i could both say it is not cool.its not easy.and its notsomething to wish upon others or try to be.its makes life much harder.as in yours…and my case.having a parent that doesnt understand you,or show enough love/praise when it is needed the most,being falsley accused,freinds that would be lost if they foundout the truth,watching grades slip…its alot to take.and i totally understand.ive been there. and its horrible.but this is not the end of the world.trust me. so dont let it be…there are some things you could start doing…my suggestions at least
1-work hard at school…i know what your thinking…i do try/u sound like my mom da da da da…but its true.it will get your mom off your back and you will feel accomplished and better about youself.
2-being gay is tough.i know.TRUST ME.your mom,im sorry to say,may never accept it.if she is that type of person.but your YOUR person..and you only have 18 years with the *****;) and u only got six more to go.
3-as for the anorexic thing, you cant help if you have a high matabolism,so try your best to just ignore that factor.
4-stop drugs!!! they suck ass!
you’ll be okay hunny:)
talk to me anytime.
much-love-
tea:)
im so sorry, that sounds like the shittiest piece of shit.
1. as for you mom, fuck her, jjust dont talk to her, eaisest way out.
2. as for the whole anorexic/bolemic thing, just like severly stuff ur face when ur around her(:
3. for grades and her not appreciating them, follow #1(:
4. PLEASE dont think about killing yourself, TOO MANY people will be absoluteely DEVISTATED if ANYTHING ever happened to you.
5. as for the almost-gf dilema, do what you heart wants, and what only matters to you.
hope i helped, -jess.<3
lol tea i don’t do drugs. but thank you, that helped:)
sorry lol by” overdoes” i just kindof infered:)
You seem to be a cool person. I dont eat too much too. My parents used to make me eat more, but now they see that i eat.
I like lesbians (and gay mans and everyone. Im not gay. I have a girlfriend, and im a man). I was writing a book about the love of two lesbians. I stopped.
Every lesbian here, where i live, when is young like you, when lives with their parents, use to say to the parents that they are best friends. And as best friends, they can do everything together, even sleep at the same bed.
Try to start your relation with your girl with letters. So no one can see what youre talking. And maybe you can start a friendship like that i told you.
I think about killing myself all the time too. But you are so young. You can live a little more. Try to love this girl and make it happen.
Try writing a letter to your mother, comparing your grades to the other persons grades… saying that each person eats what his own body asks, nothing less, nothing more.
I dont know what more to say.
Drugs are not good most of the times.
But sometimes, for suicide, they can work.
But try to dont think in this for now. I think.
I think you need to be careful, and calculate everything.
I think using letters to get next to your girl, is the best way. Then, if you find that she likes you too, forget about what your other friends would think. Love is love. I dont know in your case. in my case, i love my girlfriend so much that my only concern is our love (a note: she is dead).
Dont follow my words or anyones words if you dont feel like its the best way. Like someone said: follow your heart. Be sincere, and God helps.
You have to calculate everything. But if something go wrong, dont be mad, just keep loving and trying (even if you try to die. But to die we have to be smart, and dont miss, be accurate on our plans)
Life is not always good. But sometimes we can pass through it.
Love is always the best path to anything, even the death. But i advise you to live and love the most as you can.
Life is hard, for many persons.
I dont know if what i said helps. I can make it worse. I dont know what is better or worst. I just said what came into my mind. I hope i helped.
Youre so young. I never thought in suicide at your age. Neither my friends.
But i understand you.
I forgot to say. I dont sleep too.
I use Clonazepam, here called Rivotril. Is a medicine to sleep.
I have a bad insomnia.
Someday i will have to work, and i will have to get better from this insomnia.
Its hard.
I hope to be dead as soon as possible.
But im afraid to fail on suicide. If i fail, i will live the worst life i’ve ever imagined.
Try clonazepam to sleep. Ask your mother to see a doctor, and buy this medicine.
Or maybe not. It’s kinda addictive. If you abuse of it, your body will ask for this more and more, and the insomnia will get worst.
There are other medicines like this that are not addictive. Im buying one. When i know the name, i will say here for you.
My e-mail is jason.kidd@hotmail.com, for anything.
I dont think you will chat with me. Im a man, 22 years old, planning to die.
I think is better you talk to Tea. She is more next to your age, and know many things you need to know, like gay things. And her advises are good.
aw thank you jason 🙂 you helped a lot. and for everyone, by overdose i meant things like advil and nyquil and motrin. not drugs. thanks EVERYONE i love you all peace + god bless.