Hi, i’m just really scared. I’m not used to writing my problems down like this, but here it goes.
I’m 17. Growing up has been pretty hard. I have 2 older brothers who are now all grown up. My oldest brother is gay. When I was 8 or so he would make me touch him, do things for him. It wasn’t until i was 9 when he started raping me. I was so stupid, i had no idea what he was doing to me. He kept referring to it as ‘massage’. I always told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. I was too scared to tell my mum or dad. I have scars on my back from when he pushed my back onto his bed frame. At around 10 years old or so he stopped, and pretended like nothing happened at all, he started treating me kindly, but that still doesn’t change things, it doesn’t make everything all better.
I think his the reason i’m gay.
At high school i’ve been picked on, i’ve been bashed numerous times. I don’t know why people are so mean. I have this friend who i’m really close to. I told her i have depression. She’s really nice and supporting, but she doesn’t quite understand what i’m going through. She’s always telling me to see a psychologist or something but to do that my mum will have to known, and if i go by myself it’ll cost me money which i don’t have. And if i did have the money, i wouldn’t be able to get the anti-depressants without parental consent. It’s really frustrating.
i’ve started cutting myself. I’ve had about 6 half hearted attempts of suicide by pills. I was so close to actually cutting my wrists accross the vains and end it all. But if i did my friend would be really upset. I remember when she was holding me, i was crying so so hard, she held me and told me i would be okay, i would get through this. She made me feel so safe, that nothing could hurt me. But she’s not always going to be around to look after me, to watch over me, and i don’t want her to feel that she has to.
The pain i feel hurts so much, it’s like i’m choking, i can’t breath. I just want it all to go away. I wish i could just sleep for a month and live in my dreams.
4 comments
Hi,
I’m really, really sorry that you’re in this suffocating pain, I know how that feels. I won’t try to pretend that I have anything valuable to say to you, but I’ll say this:
There is nothing wrong with being gay (i’m bi-sexual myself), BUT when you’re gay because of the childhood trauma, I really think that you should go to the therapy JUST for that reason. And you also have depression and suicidal thoughts. And this advice is not coming from my ignorance, but from my knowledge. Therapy and medication CAN help. They don’t always do. But they can. Psychologists ain’t so bad as you think, they are just ineffective sometimes. But when your life is at stake, what do you have to lose. Besides, if you’re lucky your psychologist will turn out to be a really nice, insightful and understanding person. And it’s really great to have this kind of person to talk to, when you’re in trouble, believe me.
And I think if you would really talk to your parents, and confront them about your depression (you don’t have to mention your brother), if they are able afford it and are not heartless bastards, they should send you to a psychologist. You are their child, they should do everything to make sure that you are a happy person. I was able convince my father, who has a view that therapy is absolute rubbish, to pay for my visits. So it’s not impossible, if you really want it. And I think you should give it a chance. I mean it.
They say that depression cannot be ignored. That’s absolutely true, and child molestation cannot be ingnored no matter what. It’s a real trauma, even if a person thinks that he “got over it”.
So my advice is – try to convince your parents to get you to a psychologist. I know that it sounds suspiciously like what the ignorant people say “get help”, but it can really help you, believe me.
And by the way – I dont know how old your brother was when he molested you, but if he molested you when you were 8, than he is not “gay”, he is a freaking pedophile! There are gays who like teenage boys, but the LOWEST they go is 14,15, most usually not lower. But it doesn’t really matter, if he molested you when you were 8 (!!), he is a pedophile, end of story. He is no more “gay”, than a guy who molests 8 years old girl, is “heterosexual”. Please make a distinction.
Well, I’ve said my piece. And I really really hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you’ll find happiness.
like yoorek, i also hope that you’ll find happiness.
i know you’re trying.
please let me try to help you. there’s a lot of stuff in life that’s terrible, and yeah, life’s pretty terrible, but life isn’t all about living, it’s not about surviving. you can get past these things, no matter what you’ve been through. think about Jesus, He got crucified, abandoned, never did anything wrong, did everything right, and He was fine in the end – better than fine, actually, because He follows God. please, if you are after the truth in life, and if you want to be by what is real, please read my post here http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/please-read-2/ and contact me
You did nothing wrong.
It was not your sin. Only look for beautiful things around you and only think kind thoughts.
I’m an old lady, and have been through pretty much the same thing. But I realized it wasn’t my fault and I am not the one that will be punished for it, unless I choose to punish myself.
I choose life; I choose laughter; I choose to read uplifting books, watch uplfiting movies, listen to good music. You can do it. I did it.
And now that I am in daily pain, I must admit I wonder what’s it all about. But I have two kids that love me and six grandchildren. So, I am going to take the hard way cause that’s what folks do. I’m going to laugh, love and make memories of joy. I don’t want my family to remember me as a weakling chicken butt …. that ain’t no proper legacy.
Okay, my spelling is bad. But you know what to do, make righteoush choices. Go to a nursing home today and offer to read a book to some old coot and see how you feel good on the inside after that.
Double dare you (remember that as a kid?) to do someone some kindness today.
Your pain is great and no one can really understand how you feel on the inside. Whether its physiccal, mental or spirital, pain is right down personal. Put your pain in a box for a few days and go help someone else for a while. You don’t even need to know that person. Heck, go to the grocery store and if you see someone struggling to push a cart because of pain, because of age, or just too many gosh dang kids … lend a hand! Get out there! You can do it.
Hey if you wanna talk to me, send me and email and we can talk about anything you want to.
(silly.snowball@Yahoo.com)