for all that i can remember i have gone to church all my life…..after i met Jake and he helped me get back to my feet i felt God’s presence…it was the most amazing thing in the world, i got saved that night…
its not that i have no God in my life, its just that i am not that strong…like i said i constantly see things that i can break and use to cut, there is a necessity in me and i dont know how not to feel it….
its not like i can just forget about it…its more complex, and addiction, even when everything was okay it was a constant fight with my self, not wanting to hurt, not wanting to surrender to that monster in me….now that things are black and i see no light is the time when i can’t feel him, i dont know what to do, i cry every night and ask for his help and nothing…..i cant feel him, i feel so alone and i dont know what to do….
i dont want to cut but my force of will is fading…i dont know how much i have till i do it again, till i cut, till i go into that whole that was my prison for more than 2 years, i dont like and i am putting all my force, hope, even pain into it so i can fight it back….
but every day it gets harder and harder and i have no one to talk to….i had a friend and i told her about it…and she thought that it was a good idea to tell my doctors so they could put the medication back on me…..i got mad and she stoped talking to me when i said that i had not said anything to her, i dont want to take medication, it does not help, after the effects are over the feeling comes back stronger, and i dont want to get addicted to it….
soon i will not be writting here any more…..
2 comments
please, i’d like it if you emailed me, for ive gone through something similar..
iwillyf@yahoo.com
My story is scarily similar to this.
I know what you mean about the pills, like, they are only masking the feeling, not ending the pain. And when you come off them, then what? Everything will seem so much worse then they are now, so if I can barely deal with it now, why are people encouraging this?
People don’t understand cutters truely, unless they have been there themselves. The feeling of being so lost that you need to resort to cutting to give relief, isn’t something anyone can understand, unless they have been that way themselves. I accept that.
Religion abandoned me. And then my pastor reported me to the gov/my school and I got put on suicide watch. Mad huh?
The thing that tore me up the most was my friend. I finally found out that one of my friends felt the same way as me. I thought this would be a good thing. I have so many questions about the point of life, because if it’s to have a good time, I’m currently failing. I asked her these, which I thought would be good. Wrong. She couldn’t answer them. Who was I kidding, she was just as depressed and lost as I was.
So I don’t know, I don’t want to seem like a certain few people who ask everyone to ‘talk to them’. But if you do want to talk, I’ll listen.