“A permenant solution to a temporary problem.”

January 14th, 2010by Noon714

This is what I’ve read over and over again, but do these therapists, experts on the human psyche and counselors really know what it’s like to hit rock bottom. Maybe some actually do, but no one in this World knows how I feel but myself. I’ve been in a state of depression for some time now, and there seems to be no end in sight. The “friends” I use to have are liars, selfish and useless to my life so I’ve shunned them out of it completely. I’m only 20 years old, and I’m fairly intelligent as far as intelligence is measured now a days. In high school I started off caring but then decided what was the point. I’ve been a disappointment time and time again to myself. Not really having passion for anything, no extraordinary talents of any sort. I use to love to make people laugh when I was younger, but I grew up and saw this World for what it really is. I don’t believe in any religion because I’ve literally done research on every religion there is. We as humans have our animal instinct of “us vs. them” “we are right, and they are wrong.” For most it’s only natural to have a belief in something whether its God or fate or karma or a Heaven and Hell to ease the pain of a loved one passing on. There has been no evidence in my eyes that any of those things exist so I choose not to believe them. I wouldn’t call myself atheist. I just literally believe in nothing. (Not to down people who do believe in religion at all, I’m all for freedom of choices in this life.) People ask me whats life worth living if you believe in nothing? and that’s a good question. What is it all for?

This life we lead here (in America at least) is revolved around greed and wealth. Yes you can be successful and happy, and yes you can be unsuccessful in this life and still be happy, but I never see either one of those being the story of my life.  My story of suicide will begin with the facts. I did grow up in a struggling family, one older sister and a mother and father who are still married. Rare now a days. My father is a retired Marine, and a strict but fair role model I looked up to.  I wanted to make myself and him proud by graduating boot camp and becoming a Marine myself. I knew college wasn’t for me, but after high school my father wanted me to at least try college before signing up. So I did, and after awhile I mad a bad decision and just stopped going to classes all together. Wasting my time and money and having yet another disappointment under my belt.  I had a “high school sweet heart” who seemed to be my “soul mate” (I was blinded by false hope and empty promises that I knew deep down meant nothing) We went out for three years and I put up with a lot because her dad was an old school Turkish Muslim. Which basically means he was strict especially her being his oldest daughter. (She was a year younger then myself.)

Before we started going out she was my best friend in a sense. I knew I could trust her. After three years she ended it, she couldn’t stand that  I would be away in the Marines when I joined and she would be at college. She wanted to live her youth, and who was I to stop her. It crushed me… it broke my heart (Whatever that means exactly) but I haven’t been the same person since. After our breakup she still wanted me to be in her life, but it was unbearable to see her talking and being happy with another guy (especially a totally unintelligent egotistical prick that she chose). She is the reason I still am alive though. The other day I planned on it being my last day on this Earth. Finding out what exactly does happen when one dies (I’ve always been curious even as a child) Like all suicidal people I wanted to say my goodbyes to the people I cared for at one point. I turned my phone off after leaving her a message, and she rushed to my house. I tried over dosing on prescription pills. She brought me to a hospital, and basically saved a life that did not want saving.  You see if I had a gun I would have easily put my life to an end, but I did not have access to one. My attempted suicide shook her up, but left me emotionless. I reach out on this website that I found because there is no one left in my life to talk to. No one to understand; not really sure anyone will understand my thoughts ever, but writing always use to be a good way to express myself.  She cried and told me this isn’t just affecting me, and she wouldn’t know what she would do without me. I asked simply “Why?” and she explained that she loves me. Which in other ways it means “I don’t know what to say so I’ll say the word “love” because its a universal sign that you are important to me.” If I was so important she wouldn’t be so selfish, lie to my face and say she could handle me in the military then change her mind when my life was falling apart and say she couldn’t handle it. Especially when I was so selfless dealing with her father for the three years of our relationship.

I’m not one of those people that would just get heart broken and think there is nothing to live for. She was a small part of my depression but not the reason I lost sleep at night. I felt totally alone. Every person I’ve come into contact with only kept me around if it benefited them in some way. Every single one. The people I called my best friends which I had two and my ex girlfriend I caught lying constantly and I realized weren’t vital enough to care about. Then again though everyone needs someone to vent to when they are feeling down, and when you’re feeling great about yourself and need some recognition. I have plenty of bills in this economical crisis, and I’m in debit already. I’ve been arrested before for being pulled over and the passenger (a fake person) having marijuana on them and throwing it out of there pockets onto my truck floor, and trying to get away with saying it was mine. The criminal case got dismissed though because they put the blame on him, hes now in prison for separate charges but that’s besides the point. Having a criminal record could have ruined my dreams of becoming a Marine. Which in fact don’t matter now because the most crushing this of all is this. I went to see a Marine recruiter and he said my feet were an issue because of something wrong with my two big toes (apparently they are pointed in when they should be pointed out.) The recruiter explained that it would be an issue in the long run and I would need surgery. Which means time to heal, which the military would have to pay for if they took me in because I now lack health, dental, vision and life insurance in my life. (Can’t even go see a therapist if I wanted to) Time the military does not have is what point I was trying to make. He explained they don’t “need” people and there is in fact a wait to get into boot camp any how. He said the chances of being in the military were very very slim.

Whats life when the only future you wanted was just erased in your mind, and is now simply just a fantasy.  That’s what made me hit rock bottom. I never think clearly anymore; it seems as if my judgement is always clouded. Everyday I want to go through with the choice of not living anymore. Not because I want to hurt people temporarily with the argus grieving process, but because I’m sick and tired of living a life full of empty promises, bullshit, and lies.  People would say you are still so young you have so much to live for.. Like what? I ask like what because I’ve seen this World for what it truly is. A dark heartless place that I would no longer like to be a part of. I think of myself as a hypocrite at times because when I was naive I use to say, “Why do people commit suicide, nothing is that bad that you can’t turn it around. There’s always a solution.” Don’t I have the say of when I’m going to die, people say its God’s work to choose when a person is “created” and when a person is “destroyed” but since I don’t believe in ANYTHING. Why be angry that I choose to not go on? Whats the point anymore? I don’t write this expecting any answers, and maybe some time soon hopefully my life outlook will change, maybe not. I’m scared the second I do touch a loaded pistol though, because I know I will go through with it. I’m not looking for attention. I’m not going to slit my wrists because statistic wise its not a sure thing… no method of suicide really is as you can tell since my o.d. attempt failed. I’m not writing this thinking I have it the toughest around because honestly I don’t. Strong people are all over this globe who can deal with things in different ways. We’re all different.  Me, personally; I’m an over thinker insomniac who has nothing to lose and really does not feel like dealing with these thoughts in my head. People can call me weak, usually peoples opinions don’t matter to me, and I’m sure they wouldn’t matter if my pulse stopped. I would at least know I was free.

If you read this, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.

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