Hi, i have been thinking about suicide for a rather long time and i have tried to deal with the problem and i don’t want to get on constant meds or longterm treatment, 3 years ago it just got worse and worse, being rejected by friends and all and just acting as a mere helpful tool to my fathers family.
I have even wrote here twice before, one about how i felt and that i really wanted to commit suicide and one about what is now my very first ex-girlfriend who also suffered from depression and yes i know it was bad just by starting the relationship since we’d not last, yet to say i can say that even that this relationship tore on my strenght and feelings i felt reniewed and i didnt feel that rejected anymore, i promised myself that id go out and get new bonds, new friends but after i while i realized that i didnt really have any in real life friends, i had one whom has stopped answering and obviously dont want to keep in touch..
These issues are just ordinary and should maybe workout well but i cant even seem to keep in touch with people through msn anymore and when i constantly check a webpage to see if my contacts are still there i always see new people that has removed me from their msn lists and its getting smaller every month and i have tried to really become social and find someone to be with but i cant really help it anymore, now i have spent 3 new years eve alone and im about to spend my 4th birthday alone turning 21 and im starting to get really sick and tierd of these sleepless nights, constant dreams about me dying and lonlelyness, with time i’ve grown bitter and i feel more like an 80 year old than my actuall age, i have even tried 2 communitys and added 3 people to the msn and i have acted all happy and goofy sending smileys and wrote some jokes i heard before and yet it feels like im lying to them and to myself, i dont feel happy at all and i dont even feel depressed anymore i think.. i just feel empty.. Life seems to be meaningless and the only logical way is to end my life, not only because of this problem but since my backround havnt been the brightest since i have an overprotecting father and a mentally instable mother whom i havnt seen in about 9 years now, i tried to keep in touch with my sister and tell her about this but she has a child now and are in a happy family enivroment so i dont want to burden the person i look up to.
There isnt anyway to track this mail down i guess but what i suffer from the most is that im frightend of the pain that comes with suicide, i think i can manage to keep this mask on for a while to the few i got in touch with on msn but.. gosh i never really thought id ask for this.. is there anyone out there that could help me.. not save me but strenghten me to finally die, i have settled it to make it look kind of an accident, with strong alcohol and the nordic winter i can simply drink and undress into shorts and t-shirt and doze off in the snow and from then die, its pretty well planned and im thinking of doing it the day i turn 21 in the early februari which is one of the coldest months,the weather seems to be stable so its about -20 during that month on and off.
Im looking for help to kill myself, motivation of anykind, i keep pushing the time forward yet i know i will only feel worse and will eventually not do it but live a isolated and souless life while everyone outside the window is jumping with joy..
If you are out there and feel & think as i do could you suggest any chatrooms or send me anyway to contact you?
PS: I dont belive in god and 4 people here sent their emails so we could just talk but in time we spoke they all seemed to think that all i needed was god and hope and happy pictures of kittens and so on so i simply said i was a satanist which got them to remove me pretty quick, im not one though but in a simple way of telling; I dont care about any religion and hope so dont waste your time please.
I hope you others who read this find your call in life and if not i guess we will meet the same fate.
/Farewell
12 comments
Oh wow. This morning, like every morning I woke up wishing I was dead. Then I decided to read this site. I’m 22 and believe it or not my story is very close to yours.. I’ve been wandering how is it possible to get to my age and have no friends even though I got so got at pretending and laughing and joking all the time even when I feel like dying inside, which is pretty much all the time. I even tried to stop giving a f*** about the fact that I’m always alone and just spent my evenings getting high and planning of ways to escape from this life. I actually came up with a few pretty good plans. I think you’re perfect for sharing them with – add me to your msn and we will talk about it. Send me an email first cos I never sign in to msn anymore cos nobody talks to me there lol. – my email is insanity_forever7@hotmail.com trust me you won’t regret talking me
Please don’t do it…I will be your friend
I can’t give you a motivation to live nor to die, but I think that I feel the same as you. Maybe all you are seeking is not death, just a friends or someone whom you can talk to openly. Someone who makes you feel like they need you, appreciate you and want you to be happy. Well relationships are always difficult, you are building it for months and in one minute you can lost everything. That sux. btw. Where are you from? (i’m just curious) Finland? Or…
I keep trying to motivate myself to live but i see no good reasons, im just unable to reach anyone, my ex was actually the only one who knew who i really am and how i felt yet everytime i speak with her i get these mixed feelings of hate, sadness and joy, somehow it gives me a smile that i still know her yet i know i will probably never meet her again.
I have one friend left and i actually met him today, i smiled and tried to talk and actually reaching for some joy but he replied that i have gotten boring and lame and stupid as i am i try to laugh it off and make it into a joke to later get home and sob.. i hate myself for that.
And no, i live in sweden.
Well, he in not very good friend if he told you that. Some people just don’t understand how much their speech can hurt the others. I don’t think that you have to hate yourself for what have you done. You are just trying so hard to be nice to people, friendly and maybe entertaining but you are getting nothing for that. That’s unfair. It’s actually seem like you have to be rude on people, bad tempered, cursing all the time and then you will find a plenty of people who want to spend their time with you.
Entity is right that’s how it works in the real world unfortunately. The nicer you are to people the more they abuse you. If you want success you have to work hard.. and play hard to get with people, ALL people that’s the only way they will start to appreciate you. Stop being nice
Yeah, i think thats how this world is, to be accepted i need to act like a arrogant pig and look down on some just to belong into a group of people..
I dont want to give in for this corrupt world, i will be myself until i die, i have been somewhat of a jerk when i was younger yes, i was a little rascal who liked to tease alot then later on got bullied, maybe that was carma or whatever they call it, so i started behaving nicely and even more 2 ground rules to myself.
*Never do something that i wouldnt want to happen to myself*
*Never lie, if i cant tell the truth im just gona hold my mouth shut*
the 2nd have caused me some troubles since i tend to be too quiet or joke it all off..
This friend of mine who said this is going away and joining the army and he’s actually the only one left who actually hangs out with me, now after he said this i assume he dont want to do much hanging anymore and then he’s off starting off on another part of sweden.
Now when i think back on what he said i dont really care anymore… atleast i tried, im clueless, i just want to die even more..
im here so i better hear from you! 🙂
e-mail me-mkafan12@yahoo.com
You shouldn’t care. Alone again.. but life will change a thousand times. I actually go by those two rules as well they are golden.. but you’re misunderstanding what it means to stop being NICE.. It doesn’t mean you have to be a bad person. It means you need an attitude cos this world is fucked up and you need to carry yourself the right way. Right now what you are doing is giving signals to people that you do not value yourself which is exactly what they perceive. It took me many years and alot of pain to figure this out. People will only value you if you give off the vibe that you love yourself, even if you DONT. This is where the second rule can get broken but no harm.. Hear me out, seriously. I wont preach crap or try to shove religion down ur throat, Im very entertaining actually. You got nothing to lose man.
Email me – emilia.ss7@gmail.com
I have tried to live myself into a online gameworld for a while and it works for a time, a couple hours disconnected from reality but everytime i close it down i take a lookaround and get reminded of what im trying to do.
I dont know but im getting tierd of trying to connect with people, if i find someone online that has alot in common they usually live on the other side of earth and are completely out of reach..
I have spent some time now trying not to think about the past, the life i had back then was horrible but when i keep thinking of a brighter future the more i feel like im lying to myself.
Now days i got the picture of myself working at a deadend job, live in a 1 room appartment with a couch to sleep on and just work day & night to maintain my life when i before thought of taking international studies and become a veterinarian or anything in that direction, however my mind is split, i feel hollow and empty..
Im 2 hours by plane from Stockholm… at least its the same part of the world. So why don’t you go for international studies and avoid the destiny of working a dead-end job which is what will happen if you do nothing? You’re only 21 its a perfect age to get a higher eduation. And then you will have a chance in succeeding in life. Forget your past. Forget all your problems, thinking about it will just drive you to your grave. Focus on changing the present and future, and its all in YOUR hands. Forget about friends for now as well. If you get an education, you will get a good job doing something you like. That will make you happy. While studying and in your workplace you will meet people with common interests who will respect you and eventually you will have a social circle. That will make you more happy. Then you will save enough money to go live wherever you want . Even more happy. This is how it all works nobody just gets shit coming to them. I spent my evenings drinking and fuking myself up in all possible ways because I was heartbroken, moved to a place where I knew nobody and lost all my friends. Then I got my shit together and made a plan how to make things better. If being veterinarian will give you a purpose in life then that’s what you should do
You can email me if you still want someone to talk to. I won’t help you to kill yourself, but I won’t tell you to turn to God or “be happy” either, and I’ve struggled with depression myself, so I know how difficult it can be. Email me at pepperdusts@googlemail.com.