Postponing the inevitable

I’ll start by letting everyone know that I am a 37 yr old male, with 3 beautiful children and 2 wonderful step children. I was married for 10 yrs, doomed from the start, which is a mute point. Not my reason for being here. In December 2002, I had finally had enough of the physical and mental abuse, so I decided to leave and file for divorce. I still remember, her making me tell my children I was leaving and their sad little faces full of tears. I had to do it, I couldn’t continue to pretend I was happy. As I left she told me, that she was gonna make my life a living hell. Well, 7 yrs later and promise kept. While she has not entirely kept my kids from me, she has done what she can to make it nearly impossible for me to have a normal healthy relationship with them. I love my kids and that lack of a relationship was slowly taking a toll on me. I didn’t know it yet, but that was the start of my depression cycle. I began dating, and I was very happy with my girlfriend. She was perfect, exactly the person I was meant to be with. I kept most of my pain hidden deep inside, she knew it and tried to help, but I only allowed her to know enough to not freak her out. Well, our relationship had its ups and downs, but we made it through. In October of 2004 she gave me the gift of a beautiful baby boy! My joy, sent to save me from myself. Right around this time I was contemplating suicide. I felt I had a dark cloud hovering over me all the time just waiting to let the lightning strike. I was so happy, he was my guardian angel. You see, long story short, I had a failed vasectomy (laser) and my girlfriend was on the pill. This was not supposed to happen but it did. And the bond that grew between my son and I was heavenly. It took my older children 8 months before they agreed to meet him. They finally did on Father’s Day 2005. They loved him and I couldn’t be happier. The start of my fairy tale with a tragic ending. I was happy, but still weak none the less. I faced countless obstacles preventing me from total happiness. My divorce was long and incredibly expensive, and for what, my attorney was an absolute money hungry S.O.B. and allowed it to drag for well over a year. In March 2005 I fired him. Gave up everything to put an end to it. At first I had supervised visitation due to a lie concocted by my ex-wife and a few others at the Dr.’s office where my children were seen (her sister was a nurse there). I did what I could to keep from drowning, but I made terrible choices to cope. Drugs, unfortunately played a roll in my fall, at first, I was just doing favors and being a middle man, then when I felt a financial pinch, I kind of went into business for myself. More than the few time I had confessed to, I participated in the using. I never considered myself a user or addict, but when it came out, everyone else did. Those decisions haunt me to this day. You see, my phone constantly rang, and I had to make stuff up on the fly. It wasn’t long before I was twisting stories and sounding incredibly stupid. My girlfriend was forgiving, good hearted, but not stupid, not at all. She knew I was lying, but I couldn’t come out and say I’m selling and occasionally using drugs. So I continued to lie. Even years later, when all that is well behind me, the lies I told still surface and kick me relentlessly in the face. It’s now 2010, I still rarely see my children who are now 14 (15 in 16 days) and 13. My little one is now 5 and up til now, we were inseparable. Unfortunately, I kept something from my girlfriend for years. I had a friend, whom she knew I sold drugs to. She was female who had a story of her own. She recovered from her drug abuse and is 3 years sober. She was a friend, always a friend and nothing more. I felt a little to blame for her abuse, so we kept in touch through her recovery and updated each other with different things happening in our lives at the time. Back in December of 2008, I fell into a deep depression, ready to end life daily. She was a big help, she encouraged me to fight for what I loved and not give up. I think she probably called me daily to check up on me. It was a big help, but on January 12, 2009, all the help in the world couldn’t save me. at least, that’s what I believed. Seconds away from wounding myself with an 8 in. saw-toothed knife, I was faced with all I was losing, images flashing through my mind non-stop. Then a hand on my shoulder. I remember it felt incredibly comforting, and warm. No one was there, I was alone in my truck in a church parking lot, go figure. I sought help the next day, called a help-line, E.A.P. through my employer, and it helped, it helped just enough to make another phone call to a friend I had met while on a Christian mens retreat. That night, I allowed Christ back into my life and it was overwhelming. The experience was in a sense miraculous. I felt the presence of Christ with me everyday, until that dreadful night when my girlfriend woke me out a dead sleep, questioned me about a text message, and all hell broke loose. I endured days and days of torturous verbal abuse. Every word chopping away at all that had been built over the last year. She checked cell phone bills and realized that we had been communicating for years. I don’t need to say what she thought our relationship consisted of. Needless to say, she posted it all over Facebook, it got around work, family, friends. Everyone was aware that I was a monster. I had no opportunity to clear my name with anyone and decided not to. I was guilty of keeping a secret and lying about it for years. Why? I knew she wouldn’t understand. That leads me to the now. I have been living out of my truck for over two weeks, embarrassed to face anyone, avoiding my son, avoiding everyone. Allowing myself to decay. My faith tested, and lost. Why would god do this to me. Give me happiness and take it away, again. Is it gonna be an endless redundant cycle of life for me? Truth be told, I don’t want to wait around and find out. She’s moved on, wants to be her own person, and I don’t blame her. For me it’s almost impossible, I lose my chance at happiness because I lied about a friendship that I felt would cost me exactly what it cost me in the end. I’m exhausted, tired of life’s endless disappointments. All I wanted was my chance at being happy. Before anyone says anything, I know I’m to blame and I accept that. But my question remains, was it enough to put out that flame. We loved each other, or so I thought. Maybe I loved her and she was just waiting for a reason to go. I’m not here because I am a hopeless romantic hurting for love, I am here because for the last 15+ years, I keep finding myself in the same dark corner all by myself, and it sucks!