I feel I am a selfish person for writing this on my behalf. Starting anything in my life is hard and figuring out how to start what I’m about to write is not easy for myself. Just one person reading this and not judging me is enough to get me though the day.
I’ve suffered from suicidal thoughts since the 5th or 6th grade. Back then I thought about it as a means of gaining attention. I was the outcast at that time and I just dealt with it. Now I’m in 11th grade. I played Lacrosse last year as a hope to get myself to feel better, you know, fit into a bigger group. It back fired big time and I feel like I would be better off just watching from the bleachers. But that’s not the big reason I’m writing this, thought it’s the start.
During class lately I’ve been writing farewell notes to those that meant something in my life. My mother, my brother, or anyone else in my family are not among them. The two that meant the most to me are Josh and Eddie. The two closest friends I have had in my life ever since John. But John is long gone over 8 years. Josh and Eddie are, were, the most important people in my life but I kept pushing them away because I would not allow, no forbid, myself from becoming close to anyone in my life.
Those I have gotten close to have fucked me over. My father and I were not that close but he would have meant a lot to me if he were still alive. He killed himself by hanging himself. The next closest adult figure I had in my life is Chris. He was my mothers boyfriend. Great guy, a drunk, but I liked him a lot. In the end he also hung himself. Two suicides in my life and I just try to shrug it all off and ignore it. Went to a Psy Ward but they just pissed me off. Now it’s pegging me.
The day I got the news Chris killed himself was the day I lost my two best friends. It all started as such a stupid and meaningless fucking fight. Trying to play a game of Catan and I sat in Eddie’s seat. He didn’t like that I get that and I just didn’t want to move. Have some kind of control in my life. Whelp fight broke out, small one, and I just said fuck it and left to go home and deal with my crying mother. I just tried to keep her away from me, I really don’t like her. Than after I got home I got a call later that night from Sharron about Eddie and Josh pestering her about me and her. I just lost it and told Eddie on the phone to basically fuck off and leave me alone. Biggest mistake in my damn life.
I just lost my father figure and my two best friends. What did I do? I just acted like it was fucking nothing. Like the biggest event in my life didn’t even happen. Why I ask myself, because that’s how I cope. Coping by forgetting and saying fuck it all and I don’t care. I had two times in my life I asked for help and got it. Ken was there during those times. He tried to help but even when I reached out and pulled away because I always felt judged and like he was just there cause he had nothing better to do.
My mother, I just can’t stand her? Why? Doesn’t really matter cause regardless it’s frowned apun by anyone. My brother can go fuck himself along with that slut **** he calls a girlfriend. Fucking emotional people they are and always yelling and acting as if shit should be giving to them. Like their entitled to it. And they call me fucking selfish? When I hit 18 I’m going to disappear and join the military. Let them kill me. If I don’t do it first.
I thought about editing this and making it more formal but I can’t find a reason why to go into more detail. That’s my life in a nut shell. I doubt anyone would like to crack it open.