dont reply if it’s pity

  March 20th, 2010 by samuelaka

Pain is a feeling the same with love lust and the rest. I live in a world that I am a stranger to, a world I hate, a world I despise, one I’d like to get away from. I’ve been dreaming of a thousand ways that would lead to this life being a mirage and my true destiny being the exact opposite. I have even dreamed of this not being my true family. This life I came to hate till I begun to hate myself, the person looking at me from the mirror truly became a stranger, a stranger I hate and one I never associated with, I no longer believed me and the reflection are one. With this, I lost everything I had including my ability to believe in myself for you see I began to classify white skin as perfect and black far far from it. I despised my skin and still do it to this very day.
I barely have relations with a female, which is by far another topic, but part of it is because I resent their color. This leads me to believe they are far to the impressive white skin and whatever they put on their skin worthless but a white skin in rags is pure. I have been scared; I have been bruised emotionally till apathy has dominated a large part of me. Every emotional disorder is appealing to me and I wish to have them all regardless of what harm they might cause me for I seem not to care any more about me. My surrounding accelerates the behavior and death is far less troublesome to me as it might be to others. Self inflicted wounds is said to be a solution and I dare say I’m tempted to try for this pain inside me is undesirably great and my senses are now numb that I cannot express it. I am not alive nor am I dead, I want to cry but I can’t remember how, I want to cut myself and let the pain flow out with my blood but the fear is in me. I want to be successful but success is too elusive. I am the exact opposite of everything I want to be. Animals never commit suicide so this curse of modernization… why me, why me.
There is no God to help me, no friend I trust, no family member, no white skin knight to save me and this books seems to be my only hope. The future looks dim regardless I get an A+ or E- , this is my curse, my own personal hell, and the fire grows hotter every second. The emotional me is scarred beyond recognition and here beside me are my own comrades willingly scaring it further. This is just another revelation by me and it states I am like a dog chasing a car, I have no idea of what to do with it once I catch it. I don’t understand how the world works and I am everything I hate. I am the exact opposite of what I want to be for now at least. I am depressed so much that mentally sick people are so happy that I wouldn’t mind being them. I am no longer alive nor am I dead and there is a burden I carry which is inside me ever yearning.
Once upon a time I had a family… someone I thought I could trust talk to, when home becomes world war 3 you no longer feel like living in I no longer can classify it as any where I can live in. if a Gini came to visit me and gave me one wish I can assure the wish will include a method to get me far away from home.
My three motivations for reading are:
1. Run away from home and never come back.
2. Live and live well.
3. Love and be loved.
All three are the misfortunes of living in this family. Death is simply better than this by a great gap. I will do only what I can. What I have gone through has left me scared, today my oppressor might get a taste of me but I have said that too many times she, my sister introduced me to this thing called sex at a very young age and offset the cycle of realization of using your cock and know I can’t date. The oppressor playing the saint how ironic is that! I probably have a mental disorder… something’s wrong with me but I have no idea what it is. I feel sad because I can’t get a date ever. This is a very bad thing if you ask me. I just picture meeting this girl who I’m supposed to get her number, friendship but mostly make her my first true crush, the first girl I can comfortably sit down and say she is my girl friend but this isn’t working mainly because she doesn’t ever love me and I can’t date.
I don’t get girls, I’m the geek and this is it I mean this is it. How will a girl ever like me? I truly believe I don’t deserve to have a girl friend. Maybe I’ll spoil her, make her cry and even sad. So another man makes her cry… this is true but how does the mind of a geek come up with the technique to make her smile again I mean it took almost every once of energy of your being and twisting of the important info you have making corny lines and looking like a geek and wishing the ground would swallow you since if you could go back in time you surely wouldn’t do it again note that everything you said has no positive influence on a relationship or interest the girl you just met. This is why I don’t really blame them for having a negative emotion to geeks. This is just sad and truly I fear no hope is there for me now this is ironic, my life is mocking as it is. I have a good heart, don’t try proving me wrong all geeks are incapable of evil for you see we are just to dim witted to try anything that good. We appreciate the opportunity that we can’t dream of fucking it up. I get a girl, I’m the kind of guy’s who makes her say I’m invading her private space. I can’t date, I can’t approach a girl, I truly can’t so I just wish and wish big so I guess I should just make one wish come true, one I can truly achieve, one girls like and one that will give me my 4 kids and my dream lab. I’d be like a freak, I am a freak what I’m I saying I cant date I cant date I cant date sorry for this I’m just a confused boy hey I like the voice in my head and it’s kinda fun if I think of it! I’ll try to make it to the geek awards so at least among fellow geeks we can have fun non gay time among guys and its fun like stated in ‘the big bang theory’ series if I didn’t let go of this weight on my shoulder I’d go mad, ill break under the pressure may happen if I stop ejaculating. I don’t know how but I must and must get a good friend I don’t think I’m that desperate and maybe a girl on the web that I can open to no do not open up to a stranger and p/s I’m kinda weird so secrets need to remain secrets. Maybe then I can finally get to concentrate no! You’ll concentrate less since you now have a girl.
A statement I wish to confirm is my father is no understanding man very correct. It’s his nature and I may be too hard on him, this doesn’t mean I should let him off the hook . He on the other hand has been too hard on me, if anyone has a great effect on demoralizing me he truly is the number one contender for this unforgiving position. I asked myself a question once and the answer seemed a bit untrue but nonetheless I feel I rather can do it “if you had a chance would you leave your family.” I said yes provided I get my basic necessities provided what is wrong with that? Im not growing to 80 yrs with them?.
Today I learnt something important, the mirror lies. It always does, because today I saw my mother and I saw poverty she wears clothes that looks like rags. For the first time I believed and understood that things are not going well for any of us. I also learnt an easier way to identify a Goth. If a Goth stands in a room of a happy person you can clearly see he/she doesn’t fit in here. The black attire and the gloomy attitude of in a colorful room of a teenage girl or such lifestyle will tell you everything. And white skin is now down to 80% from 100% in grading of perfection. Now its even less about 50%
Today I came to ask myself if my actions are justified, I mean this in general since I have felt guilty for a few things I do and the way certain people make me feel guilty. I have a good amount of remorse and second thoughts about my actions, which have dominated my life and hampered me in some regions of socializing. Let’s take it from the top; I’m I from this family? I have reason to believe if so my birth was not so conventional. I have to be a six-month year old baby when I was born, yet again I don’t really care too much unless my true parents are better off… (Chances are far off if you ask me) and sooner or later I hope to do some testing such as DNA to find out my true origins. I have asthma and I don’t know if it’s hereditary or not in nature but I believe the mosquito coil that my father burns had something to do with it… this could be proven later too.
So I had a bad childhood, I can barely remember any of it except for bits and pieces and reasons for this would be that I was either to fucked up that I have too little memories to save that’s why my sub-conscious had chosen so few of it, or it’s how my mind works. I know that I was not too jittery, that’s my position unless proven otherwise, and my thought and memories of my youth seem to indulge a lot in inward thought. To continue this is to state that I got my first view and experience with an inhaler when I was in high school and that means I got to fully appreciate what an asthmatic attack means.
I mean I used to get asthmatic attacks when I was going to and coming from school frequently and I hated school reaaaaaaaaaaaaally bad. Take this… we used to live in Ngara (don’t bother about that) which was quite far from school and so after taking a bus to school and alight at the stage I had a few minutes to make it school and I could hear the bell from a distance usually with my brother who isn’t an asthmatic and we would run! It was like a nightmare; they’d go off (my brother and his friends) and I would be left behind and an attack emerges and I start gasping for air and BAM! An asthmatic attack hits me and when I slowed down and make it I was too late and there inside the school was my brother and we’d bet beaten by the teacher for being late comers. That’s was my daily routine and the stupid teacher would not listen to the fact that I’m sick. So I hated school and the teacher as well and since they used to switch days within no time every teacher that taught me had canned me for not being able to conquer my asthma and run faster. So I hated my life from an early age, my mother used to teach at the school I was going and she saved my ass a couple of times… something I’m grateful for. I remember once this teacher that used to tell me ‘again!’ when I came late and in between gasping for air I would get a slashing was teaching us. I had diarrhea and I was so much in need of a chance of going of going to the toilet but she always said we should learn how to hold it and I was afraid of her so I held it but it got out. A memory I never forget.
So on my way home I used to pass by this barrack of police who had guns and everything, who we used to be told would once be sent out to beat us therefore increasing my level of fear and distaste for school. Now I again say I hated my life as a child, as far as I knew learning was a waste of my time since I was sure I was going to die sooner or later because my asthmatic attacks were no joke!… so why bother and I didn’t bother too much. I know very well that on my way home I would come into contact with these old model cars that spurred out smoke and that gave me the attacks and so there I was… in the middle of the road gasping for air and yes! My medicine; every asthmatic child has one and mine was at home and it was a Ventolin syrup. So if I wanted to get better I had to walk to the main road, cross it and by the way there is no stop sign or zebra crossing sign, just a gap in which you make a dash across the road.
So I knew how my day would be; wake up, run to school, get an attack, get my ass whooped, go to class, get whopped, get called names, go to recess where I felt weird and suck there, and then go home and on the way a good chance of getting another attack, wheeze and shed tears of pain…, cross the road, get home which by then the attack is not visible and I get to watching cartoons, funny thing is after the cartoons I always got an attack, and then suffer the normal tortures. Now this is my average day… and to go a little bit into my past when I was a kid I used to get attacks every night, get rushed to hospital and get an adrenalin shot. So I enjoyed it! And then I’d sleep since they caught me in my angelic child-like sleep so later on when my father decided I can man up to more manly medicine he’d get hot water and make me inhale the steam, and the feeling is not easy… I was not in a swana or in any desire to be in one… I wanted to breathe… and so I sweat…, hated the treatment, and sometime told to drink hot water. Now to say my father couldn’t afford an inhaler would be to lie since he could… he just choose not to since he said if I continued to take the medicine I’d be too dependent on it… I’m not a doctor but I don’t think that medicine is that pointless… I have seen people in worse situation that me take these medicines and get better than me! So one day I get tired of the cycle of the school and I he’d back home before I reached school and my dad gave me a beating when he learnt about it; I had told him of how life was hard for me but he did nothing and so this time I lied as to why I never made it school. The fact that I lied made him mad enough to cane me, instead of trying to ask me why or what is the true reason and resolving an underlining issue? Solving the solution in this moronic country is hard since every dim witted person of my parents generation is more likely to think beating a child or mob justice is the ultimate solution to any problem you have.
So I went to S.t. Martins primary boarding school mainly because my father lied to me about how good it was… and how did he know it was good?… he was told so. My point being many parents think that teacher’s are justified but would they in our position take the brutality? They might kill the teachers if they went back to the place I am that school. Imagine this… first day in school and that night the boys since it was a boy’s boarding school started to play with the torches and I was among them… a brother one of those fucks who are Catholics the sick mother fuckers claiming they are God loving fucks comes in and gives a warning and then leaves… I head to the warning but other’s don’t and so he comes back and in our night clothes which are extremely light gives a nice beating to our buttocks and then makes us kneel out their in the cold and remember I am asthmatic so I get another attack; that’s my first day in school…
This is just another sulky day in my life, I used to wake up with a frown, and in less than two hours, I had a frown till I just stopped caring altogether. Now to think that every morning I used to cower… scratch that! You were supposed to sleep like a wanted villain where at 4:30 I was supposed to wake up; and remember I’m not in a boot camp for misbehavior and failure to do so in about 5 min that God loving ‘brother’ would storm in with a cane and whip your ass in you pajamas. Way to start your day! Then you go in to this class were it’s cold and you’re supposed to read. By the way, those five minutes were supposed to be used in preparing you’re bed like a marine or something; they gave me a great distaste for tidiness. Failure to do this he’d call you from class and whoop your ass! Literally, and he doesn’t care, since like many normal guys in this pissed off country children are things to point at and feel superior too children are in their eyes things not capable of deciding or certain rights. Continuing with this is to note as he madly entered into a room filled with scared off your ass kids, he’d go ahead and swing a whip in any and every direction to disperse us. We in turn would dive in any direction trying to avoid the blows and hit these metal beds, scar ourselves, and ruin other students neatly made beds. So most kids got called back and we got our ass kicked yet we did the right thing… we made the beds! (mind you this guy isn’t blind , he sees the kids destroy other students neatly made beds) you’d think telling him would be a good idea, but he’d listen then say ‘Noooooooooooooooo!’ and then add your ass a few more extra cains for wasting his time. And the smirk he had on his face when he cained you made me hate him all the more!!! Take this example of how they made us as sick as them, (take note that this is the good guy of the lot); he’d ask for noise makers, pair us up, give us a cane and make us whip each other. You’d think wise up! Which each other gently… if you do he’d take the whip and show you how, so to be a good guy to your friend you had to become an animal like them. Some of us started to enjoy it!
Then to the Classroom were when you don’t finish your homework, you get cained, the same goes for failing what the teacher considered easy sums or questions and so is noise making and not doing your duty well; we used to wash our school area (students still do). Now a day would be getting a bruise on top of a bruise and an uncomfortable sit on your chair. Kneeling down was a normal punishment. For Example, the teacher gets to class and tells us to all kneel down and only answering a sum correctly will allow you to sit down. In doing so, he relentlessly has some of us kneeling through an entire class period, and you can imagine the next teacher coming in and implementing the same treatment and you just labored raising your arm throughout the whole thing only to get picked at the last moments of the class.
For those who stay in the civilized countries, this is a small tour of what can and can’t happen in this country; there is no governing body to help you… children right organizations exist sure! Heck the law says it’s not allowed for any teacher to hit or cause any physical harm to a student as a form of punishment but EVERY public school does. So if you rat them out, they get a leave and come back… and continue as such. Take this example in my high school life, a student in form two is left in the dorm as other students rise up to class for the preps, this teacher come in with a hockey stick and hits his till his arm gets broken. Then they rush him to hospital and the doctors are horrified, the teacher is remorseful, and he (the teacher) lies to the doctors by saying he fell out of bed. The father forgives the teacher and lets him go with a warning after he was told by his son! This isn’t his first time; he’s been doing this for some time now. Now the principal knows of this and so does the deputy but neither says anything about this in the school parade, they just rumple on about how bad we act! Not doing our duties well! In two months time the teacher is at it again and the teachers continue to batter up the students the next day… the moment of silence in between the war is the best you can hope for if you rat them out and the worst case scenario is all of these savages make you an example for ratting out one of them.
Taking another example from the law aka the police who I’m supposed to trust in taking care of my right… my rights! That’s a laugh, if you ever come to Kenya and many of the African countries take every human right there is and flip them over to mean the opposite and you’ll have is the laws that you will abide to if you get on their nerves. The high school I’m in has a strike and a dorm is set alight! Best day of my life so far… I marveled at the disrespect of the law, then the police come in (by the way they have shot students down and killed them, many many many times) and they fire off their guns .We ran off into the bushes and me being an asthmatic when they caught up with us and I got caught.
Here’s your pop quiz on Kenyan rights, did you think they’d tell me you have a right to remain silent… no no no they kicked my ass period. First is the punching off my face and kicking me with their hard boots and I felt like I could shit on myself. This is the time that you’re so scared you don’t even feel the pain. At least evolution was sympathetic towards me, partly. They then hit my head with this sticks they like four or five times till I bled and oh! If you think I’m a karmic whirl pool of bad luck a friend of mine got his leg broken and they didn’t take him to hospital? They had more abuse to install on us. You might note I’m not giving to many clear hints as to who I am and this is because if I get a do gooder rat me out with their patriotic nature the Kenyan justice as you see and worse jail is the definition of hell.
For example a video recorded by an inmate in Kamiti prison shows the wardens come in, tell the inmate to strip naked and they slash them with whips. Now the grumpy wardens enjoy the wailing of the inmates and their laughs are located on tape. I’ll get the link for it and post it soon. Let me not delve on the fact that I got born in a sucky country and all around us are crazy people who kill for stupid reasons such as racialism and cows! Pastoralists! And in every single election someone/some people have to die from a election related death.
So when I was dragged into this mini van, my head was bleeding and as the blood trickled to my nose and dripped onto my thigh I decided, what the heck let them kill me if they want I don’t care anymore; it’s not like I had a bright future in my head planned out. The cops by the way took no heed to our ailments, which they inflicted on us. And they then made us walk to their patrol car as one of them did a head count by hitting us on the head HARD with a baton. Then they made us sing a song to entertain them that stated we were stupid, we don’t care and our balls are sick bla bla bla. They then took us and placed us in a jail where I found out the convicts were more humane that these pigs. Heck I met a hooker there who had the decency to do the fucked up jobs assigned to us of carrying human shit with your hands and placing it in this bucket. A police officer then came to me and found me with an asthmatic attack and his ignorant ass thought that it’s an s.t.d. (sexually transmitted disease) and then called me a sex drone. But get this, they catch hookers, take them to their houses and fuck them for free and let them go. i have a new law that now applies to me, never to assist the police in any way, I’d never go to them for help if I can ask a thug to help me. Since they never help me, my answer to any and every question they ask me is ‘I don’t know’. The police and the killer they might be after are all the same (two sides of the same coin) and I’m not helping any side.
So they made it hard for us (living) and when they let us go my father was there and get this, he was so pissed off that I was hurt for about a minute and I was proud of this! He cared, but then for talking to some friends he claimed I was the ring leader of the strike… and this wasn’t too much of a surprise for me, he thinks ill of me all the time.
He thinks I smoke and I have asthma even though he a science man knows how hard this is to be, he based his evidence on ‘the principal’ told me claim! And he also thinks I fake asthma and the school doctor who knows I’m sick is siding with me! Wow and at least my old deputy got to see how crazy he is. So I’m sick outside the deputy’s office and he sees I’ll have trouble getting home and calls him; my father on hearing the claim says I’m faking and even when the deputy can see me struggle to catch a breath, my caring father confidently says I’m faking. Until he transferred, he devoted to making it easier for me by checking up on me from time to time.
So back to primary school where life continued to suck, I addressed my father but all he cared about was the report form, which looked very good. And he then told me to pass and I’d transfer. I delivered on the desire, he didn’t do as promised, and now I was fucked up. I ran away from the school but my dad beat me, told the teacher to beat me, and condoned his negative comments about me as I knelt down, I decided to take the only other solution left. So I tried killing myself! I’m lucky I didn’t know any good killing yourself techniques since all I did was eat the things your told not to eat that I had in my school supplies like shoe polish, some mushroom… that made me a bit sick. I also tried to sleep naked and only with the bed cover, hoping the asthma would kill me but it didn’t.
Since I was tired off all this I told my father through a letter since I didn’t have the guts to face him, I never will be free with him ever at least. He caved and funny enough he took me to the worst possible school as far as structural and teaching is considered. The teachers there were not kinder but with a higher population and being a day school I had lesser chance of crossing hairs with them and I was the second smartest student ever!!! I had immunity. His lack of understanding he made a popular kid in school, a school were teachers worshiped me, I had as many friends as I needed and yes! No more brutality. He thought I would hate the school and go back in a month’s time; well that would never happen!!! Obviously and he’s held a grudge towards me to this very day… well I tried making friends with him… I even read those sites that help you with this but he has a deep seated need to hate me and that’s that. So I on the other hand understand and take him as a guardian who I don’t love but respect; if you think my actions are un called for; take this, your dad tell’s you that you are USELESS!!! Makes sure he reminds you that you made the bad mistake and every other thing you do is meager. He gives me about 4 compliments a year and none are lengthened or exaggerated to take effect. As the smarter son he says he’d choose the dumber one and he also tell’s me he is him taking care not to hurt my feelings “I know you’re wrong, I know you are, I hope you aren’t but I know you are”; take this which is a direct quote of what he said ‘if you were sick I’d not rush to see you because I know you are a faker but if it was your brother, I’d drop every thing I was doing and rush in to see him’ . Some people may think it’s not bad but I know he can do better since he does better to my brother. I take my part in this family is to grow up and move out and pay my respects by giving back what they spent on me.
So after staying for about 4 months in that school and begging him to take me to a better school which he could clearly afford since the school I was expensive I caved and asked him to take me back to that hell hole and he denied my request, so I passed according to that school’s teaching capability but according to my potential I failed. And he gets angry!!! Maybe it’s important to note my dad and mom aren’t exactly on the best of terms… and he is more of an agnostic and my mom a hard core Christian. As any kid in a Christian family I liked God like I knew him from the start. But my dad hated my desire to side with my mom’s eager interest with God. My brother by the way had similar interest and he never cared about that, he was more interested in crushing my connection with God so to piss off my mum. And me trying to please him later on grew an analytic eye on the godly paradigm and soon became an agnostic and quickly shifted to an atheist which he hates! I would thank him for opening my eyes but I doubt he’d care anyway. When I wanted to get out of the boarding primary school, my mum sided with me and having won the war he claims time to time I manipulated my mother to get what I want… wtf. First off all this is a sexist country and so is my father and he will win any war against my mother and my mother in no way could convince him to get me out of that school and she told me to hold on. My mother choose the winning side, he’s a power control freak.
You know what? While we are on the topic I hate most of my family and I wouldn’t mind switching it. This is not the momentary fit a child throws, this is a constant thought that led me to speculate rational and un-rational reasons that would help me believe this isn’t my family. I became withdrawn and most of all hate myself. So in trying to define a perfect family I looked at examples and the American/European family structure portrayed in the TV was very desirable to my disposition. I came to hate being black and worshipped any and every white guy/person. I had then to psycho-analyze myself and have with time broken this barrier partly. I still do stand with my previous claim that they have a good family structure. Their surrounding’s beliefs in family values and the law and better than here making it a better family even with a normal and the considered bad scenario.
I asked myself what am I according to classification of the world, I love hip hop and everything that comes with it, so I’m a hip hop guy. I’m also into science and the hacker/nerd connection and wouldn’t mind and have tried or am a nerd. I also a gothic when my taste for the dark, I have a sarcastic look on things and I enjoy and revel in other people’s misfortune mostly if I hate them or if I don’t know them.
To apparently learn a few days ago how little I knew about asthma and I am one was amazing but what is more amazing is my father who knows less coming up and making himself the all knowing… I’d like to suck up to him sometimes but I get to be the mat that’s being trampled on and it’s not fun and this is my life so he can just about hate me for all I care. Get this I’m getting heart problems and I’m like all sick and everything and as a kid I should be fucking up and having the unwavering support of my father and instead I’m the one watching my brother getting the prince treatment and me the opposite. I have to do girly things to try and calm myself down before I develop cardiac problems due to all this psychological shit I’m getting…
As I try to acknowledge the uncertainty that is my future one thing is certain and it is death is better than the ever so apparent doom. When I’m confronted with doom with a high chance of certainly I’ll choose to avoid it by ending it if all after checking out other options and I’m not going to hold on for long if its uncomfortable this I know for a fact. Now lets move to more credible proof that my life here sucks; my dad said with his very own mouth that he wouldn’t really bother to take me to the hospital since he knows I’m a faker. Now the fact that if he ignores me I die and he doesn’t have a chance to acknowledge this, I’m tired of hot water is the cure lecture he is f**k crazy if he thinks that works I was a junkie when I was a child gobbling down asthma drugs like nobody’s business and when I go cold turkey and years later it emerges he goes all miser on me and so well I was convinced when he came and I was feeling bad and he went into the house and completely ignored me. I’ve made up my mind that’s the end of our relationship if you can call it that and I might just go as far as rather die than have him take me to the hospital.

If ever I was to re-live my life, would I make different choices… No I wouldn’t since it’s normal and the alternative is just sickly unsatisfactory. I don’t care point blank and silver and I don’t want to say my family is the worst but it certainly isn’t the best and the whole psychological bullshit to make me understand is not something I need. You aren’t in my shoes and to say you think looking at a wound you can think it hurts is just speculating but… to say that you would KNOW of better choices for me with that wound and to say I was not in the right makes you sicker. I don’t regret my actions and I will move forward and not away from my mistakes but towards my success. My family has ruined me and only I have the right to see I was correcting their mistakes.
New revelation for me is we are exiles, in this family circle that consists of my mother and her relatives, my father and his too we are the odd ones out. We through my mom have got the label weird and she made us weird too. By just being there she has made a mark on us I try to undo but my dad gets no thumbs up from my mothers side and vice versa. Welcome to fucked up world where a thinker steps in the traps intended for their parents. Guess what dearest daddy did? He gets something like an asthmatic attack, wheezing and stuff and when I see him as a weakling he goes around and tries to prove to the healthy me at the time he is still the al knowing guy. I guess he didn’t get the memo that I don’t care anymore about what he thinks. So I failed the exam and here comes the I told you notion and the ever present condescending notions. When I get the chance it will be runaway love like Ludacris sung and this aint no joke. People hate Goth’s, they look weird dress weird and act weird but why I like them; first of all I’m kinda a seeker and I take any opportunity to change me with open arms. But I noted what Goth people are all about according to my opinion; in life there is a balance detonated by the ying and yang equation. To put it in another light I could say; weakness compels strength as evil compels good. It’s seen that even human behavior when one side exceeds we impulsively try to bring it to level just as too much good compels evil. This equilibrium if not fixed has drastic effects seen by unsolved emotions causing a ‘Doppler effect’ in your day to day behavior; a sad thought must be countered by a good thought just as a good thought will be countered by a bad thought. One side cannot overrun the other and Goths are people who appreciate it; they have taken all they can take and now submerged in stressful life like the avatar are taken over with this entity that will not accept good because it begets bad, they phase out good and evil and have a perfectly balanced weight beam because as they have seen with experience their life has no equilibrium. This is the best way out and the cladding of clothes will deter those smiley face people who will beget bad emotions from them and start dumping things in their scales. A Goth doesn’t feel and like the dead feels nothing and expresses less. He no longer can comprehend emotions of each side and can only appreciate the serenity of nothingness that psychologist give through white noise and pure white surroundings. As they try to bring sanity by blocking out chaos they learn to make a shield against all that occurs around them, I personally wish I was that good but because my shield has holes and mending them leaves a weakness that the outside world can break through. I came to see through their eyes how life is; they’re usually asked if they want to live but life is worth living if there is a reason to live and not worth if there isn’t one. Arguing out reasons is pointless since an Indian wouldn’t be caught dead using an I pod and using money but their reasons to live without the necessities we like today is the same way a guy taken to their lifestyle can commit suicide. It’s in the way we know and if the equation is incomplete then don’t bother asking because the even the universal equation is used to find different answers because each question has it’s own path and answer but still follows the same laws; chaos theory and therefore he will kill because of peanut butter I wouldn’t judge because there is another who would for jam. The story is nice but sad.
the only reason im holding on is hope for tommorow which now is bullshit so i am giving away all i have; i have ideas on genetics that need to be considered so call to hear them then hang up. it’s free to call through the computer so take the idea, record it and let me kill myself. im an add asthmatic boy who sees no future with good reason since im in bloody africa in kenya. they dont even think add exists and to make matters worse im the only atheist in the bloody area so im really a gothic sick atheist boy. call me on +254 715 260774 and maybe when i die i’ll make a chnge to the world through you.

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