I am tired. i was diagnosed with D.I.D. a few years ago. my childhood was not fun. i was beaten and molested while i was growing up. i am seeing a wonderful psychiatrist and was seeing a therapist for awhile. after a year and a half my therapist told me he didn’t want me as a client anymore because i was overwhelming him. he said he was relieved i wasn’t going to be his responsibility anymore. that hurt more than i can describe. i trusted him, and he said from the beginning he was going to stay by my side and help me through this. when i spoke to him 3 weeks later he told me his quality of life had greatly improved since our sessions stopped. how do you get passed the thought that you scared off a therapist. my psychiatrist has stayed with me but i get the feeling he is getting tired of me also. i have tried to suicide 3 times in the last 4 yrs. this time i know it will work. no one seems to understand how much pain i am in, emotionally or physically. i just want it over with. my husband and kids are wonderful but it hurts when they keep asking who they are talking to. i know they will be hurt when i go, but i AM going. they will be sad and angry and i know they will never get over it, but they will get through it. i have my plan. i know when, how and where. this time i am not saying goodbye to anyone. no notes, no phone calls, nothing. i thought i would be scared but i am actually relieved. i have given myself one wk to get everything in order. a list of things for my husband to know, like what bills to pay when, when the kids doctors appointments are, who to give some of my things to and what to do with the rest. i will miss everyone but i will finally be at peace. i know that sounds selfish, but don’t we all need to be selfish once in our lives. i am not writing this to make people think that suicide is the only way out. but it is a choice. it is my choice.
21 comments
:{ don’t choose that please…
you have kids… and they are wonderful… i’d die a thousand times to have one child, just one. and you have a husband! let me guess… you’re lacking God? ..the one thing you need.
believe me you didn’t scare off the therapist…he simply didn’t care about you. he was an honest therapist at that rate, since most don’t really care but pretend the whole time.
i really really really wish you would talk to me. i cannot give you any amazing advice right now because i don’t really understand your situation quite yet, but it doesn’t matter if you have DID, you just need to get control of yourself, and that can be done. please talk to me… my contact info is at skull09.net
thank you for reading…please don’t wonder who you are, you’re who you’ve always been, sometimes the brain just confuses it self in an attempt to understand things better.
please do not talk to me about god. i used to believe in him but no more. i do believe there is good and evil in the world. i have seen both. as far as my kids and husband go they are wonderful. i cannot keep putting them through this. they deserve alot better. and how can i get control of myself when i don’t know who i am. i am not asking for permission to end my life, i just want people to know that they do have a choice. i am not saying to do it the second you think of it. you need to really ask yourself if this is right for you. i do not expect a bright light waiting for me. nor do i think i will feel peace and love. i know that there is no afterlife. i know that when i go i will get nothing. no sounds, no smell, no family members waiting with their arms open. there will just be nothing. that is what i want. that is what i deserve.
hey, i can help. im in the same boat. i really wont force my religion or beliefs on you. at all. that is your choice. but i will do my best to save your life, and to help. dance.cassie.dance@hotmail.com everything will stay between us. i wont like post your stuff on the internet or anything. OU HAVE CHILDREN. do NOT put them through this pain, you dont know how hard it is. my mother commited suicide when i was 12. you dont know how hard that was for me, i still cry every night and every day. its still too hard for me. i break down at times, thinking how could i not have made her keep her life? didnt she love me enough to be there for me? seriously. i may only be 16, but im not stupid! i CAN help you.
thank you, but i don’t need help. i know i am going to hurt my children, but i am hurting them everyday. they wonder and worry about me all the time. and no you are not in the same boat. do you wake up in different places and not know how you got there? do you have people call you and tell you they met you the night before and you have no memory of them. no i do not drink nor do i do drugs, it is my disorder. i never know when i am going to black out or where i am going to wake up. i have lost people in my life. one was even my fault. i hurt but i got through it. my kids will get through it. they know i love them but they also know how hard it is for me. they may be mad at me now but they will understand. again i thank you, but my life does not need to be saved.
i did not claim nor mean to claim that i am in the same boat, and i do not think that.
i have seen a movie called sybil, so i do understand DID.
what does your life need? death? what kind of life can make use of death?
please tell me why you doubt that God can help you
why don’t you believe in God? He’s the most obvious thing in the world. do you believe in me?
God does not want you to do this… if He did, i’d have done it too
the right and wrong about suicide is not relative to each person’s views or situation… suicide is wrong. there aren’t people who can say, “it is right for me”
i do not want to argue with you over the god issue. i do not believe, it is as simple as that. as for believing in you, i know you exist. i however do not wish to. you do not know me, what i have done in my past, how i am now, in my past there have been people that have hurt me and i have hurt others. i have even been the cause of a few deaths. they did not deserve to die but because of my actions they did. through my life i have tried to make up for the mistakes i made, but i know i never will. i have been in and out of the hospital many times over the last few years because people keep trying to “save” me. i do not wish to be saved. how do you know suicide is wrong? because that is what you believe. i believe differently. does that mean my belief is wrong. we all have our own thoughts, our own feelings about things. if someone thinks different than i do it does not mean they are wrong. i do not think that you are wrong for believing in god. that is your choice. if i saw someone getting ready to jump off a bridge i would stop and talk to them. find out why they choose to die and ask them to think about what they would miss about life, who they would miss, and i would remind them that this is their final decision, but i would not stop them, ultimately the choice is theirs. i am not in any position to judge them. what they decide to do is their business. i have thought about this for a long time and have come to the conclusion that this is what i want. my choice has been made and yes i believe it is the right choice for me.
i still wish that you would talk to me, and open your mind to these things. already you just want to die and you do not even want to believe in God
you want me to talk to you, fine i will, as i said before, i believed in god, things happened and now i don’t. i will listen to you if you will listen to me. if you are going to try and change my mind you will be wasting your time. yes i do want to die. i am going to die. it is my choice. my question to you is where was god when i was molested by my father at age 7? where was god when i was raped repeatedly by my uncle from age 9-14 or when i was being beaten by my parents until i was 17. where was he when i had to look after my younger sisters so they would not get hurt. where was he when i had to take care of my mother as she slowly died of cancer. where was he when the man i loved died in a car accident that was my fault, or when i lost my baby 3 days later. i will tell you where he was- not with me. now you tell me why should i believe in someone that can cause that much pain as i grew up and still have so much pain now. didn’t i go through enough then? why am i going through so much now? how much pain can someone take? am i angry-yes, am i tired-yes, am i fed up-yes. i cannot take any more. you want to talk, fine talk, but don’t expect me to change my mind.
i’m sorry that all of those things happened suze. all i can tell you is that God did not cause those things – and God will not forget what those people have done to you. but where was God when all of this happened? He was there, and though He did not throw down a lightning bolt or anything like that to save you, He was there – and there’s no way He enjoyed knowing those things were happening, He did not cause them.
tell me please, what are you to be angry with God about if in the end He has given you wonderful children and a wonderful husband?
have you ever read the book of Job from the Bible?
i apologize for letting loose on you like that. i did not mean to. i never said your so called god caused those things to happen, i did not expect any lightning bolt. but i prayed and prayed for help and it never came. i tried talking to people about what was happening and all i got for it was more pain. as i said before, i know there is good and evil in the world, i have experienced both. because of what happened i developed DID. no it is not like the movie sybil, somewhat yes, but it is more subtle. as for my husband and children, i unfortunately do not remember them past a few years ago. i woke up one day and found out that i was a wife and mother. one of my alters met, married, and had kids. yes they are wonderful and i have fallen in love with them, but i know it hurts them when they talk about the past and growing up and doing things and i have no memory of any of it. many times the children have wished that their other mother would come back. they also had the not so great pleasure of meeting a few of my other alters. that scared them. tell me how i can keep putting them through that. i had a bible when i was younger and read it at night under my covers. when my mother found out she made me throw it out. do i have one now, yes i do. have i read it, yes i have,. do i believe any of it, not one word. we all have had good and bad experiences in our lives but to say it was gods will is bull. as a child i did not have any free will, i had to do what i was told, say what people wanted to hear. as an adult i can do and say what i want. i am glad you have someone to believe in. i would never try to take that away from you. you have your way of thinking and i have mine. all i ask is that you do not try to make me believe in someone or something i cannot and do not believe in. i have less than one wk left. i have gotten done almost everything on my list. you may not agree with what i have decided to do, you may not like it at all, but i ask that you respect it for it is my decision. i did not come on this site to argue what is right and wrong. i only wanted people to know that they have a choice in their own lives. how to live it and how to die is for them to decide.
suze,
There was a case.
A man married in a country for nearly 20 years, had a job, and had children.
One day he “really” woke up, wondering why he was in that country.
He took a plane back to his “own” country.
And reunited with “his” family. A missing case for nearly 20 years without reasons, was solved.
But the other family he just left…..unlucky.
Psychologically, one of the reasons is the victim, under suppression so great, he can hypnotise himself to deep level hypnosis, by his subconscious mind, especially during sleep, to perform sleep-walking, as a release. But usually in dazed like condition.
A woman even moved his piano to other room during sleep-walking, but later in life she killed herself.
The main reason she couldn’t bear was the lost of her husband in her young life in an accident of a vacation’s dive.
A child abused, may impose a strong character during sleep-walking, to oppose what he couldn’t be in the past.
Hypnosis usually works best on 2 kinds of people. The easy-to-follow-others kind and the highly-concentration kind.
From the words you wrote, you seem to be the highly-concentration kind.
Have you ever done any hypnosis session? There must be a lot of tell-tale signs through this kind of treatment.
Some reasons to sleep-walk. Genes of heritage. Twins in one egg. Cortex problem.
Chinese traditional medicine can even tell which parts of the organs are ailing by feeling your pulse on wrists, while Western medicine can’t even tell the tale, only concentrating on which stages of the REM sleep, and to see whether it’s an epilepsy or really sleep-walking.
Balance of body is the main point, and can be maintained easily through herbs therapy.
There’s a joke.
A woman told his husband, “tonight, you don’t need to sleep-walking again, that woman has already gone to vacation.”
Since you don’t believe in afterlife, I’ll tell you some unknown information or facts to you.
The lamas of Tibet, those with certain power, and like to stay earthbound to continue practice afterlife in their skull, before their impending death, they will use mind power to open the bones at the top of their head,
as an infant does. This serves as an antenna or passage easier to receive the spiritual messages.
And that can explain why children are susceptible to sleep-walking or seeing the unseen.
suze,
i’m sorry that you feel you are the one putting your children through that.
i do respect you and your right to making your own choices, your free will.
i would not say that it was God’s will for these things to happen… if you want God’s will for your life, you have to truly seek that out. will you please look at some of the references about seeking God here? bible-topics.com/Seeking-God.html
since you only have less than a week left, would you please at least try this before you go? of course you believe i am completely wrong, but it’s ok if you try anyway. i’ve been wrong before, yes, but i think everybody has, so we should all double check things to see if they’re right or really wrong.
thank you for reading & writing back to me here
it is not up to me to say if you are right or wrong. you believe in something that i don’t. that does not make it wrong. if you think i have not thought this through than you are mistaken. i have given it alot of thought and i too believe that suicide is not the only answer but i know this is the right choice for me. i do want to thank you for everything you have said. i know there are people out there that you can help. i am just not one of them. again, thank you for trying.
i wish you’d keep trying. like i said, we’ve all been wrong before.
I’m glad Im not alone. I feel horrible for leaving my children behind as well. Im going to have to google DID, I really have no idea what its about. How old are your kids?
i have a daughter who turns 18 in 3 weeks and a 14 year old son. the problem is i feel more like a stepmom than a real mom. i came into their lives a few years ago so i had to learn to be a mom. we have pictures of the pregnancy and videos of when they were small but to me it is like watching someone elses home movies. i am not a part of it. i do love them like they are my own, but i am constantly reminded that they are not. it was not an easy decision for me to make, but i believe it is the right one. they will be hurt and angry with me and they have that right to be but they will get through it.
how do you know you won’t turn back into the old mom over time? how can you know right from wrong with so little perspective?
my psychiatrist told me to picture a shattered mirror, it can be repaired but it will never be the same. i cannot put my kids through that. the only reason i am still here now is my “daughter” asked me to stay until her birthday as a birthday present. after that she will let me go without a fight. i have gotten done everything i set out to do. set up payment plans for the bills, bought a plot, set aside money for the cremation. i am ready to go. i can’t say i am not a bit frightened. i don’t know whats waiting for me. i was told death is not the end it is a new beginning, but a beginning of what? i had what i call a near death experience a few yrs ago, i remember feeling at peace. such a beautiful feeling. then a doctor told me the left side of my brain had shut down and the right side was taking over, that was why i felt that way. what a disappointment. they brought me back and i was in a coma for a week, and in the hospital for 3 months. i have never felt the same after that. my girls birthday is next tuesday, after that i will have to see when the time feels right. i am excited, but a little nervous. i don’t know if i can wait that long, but for her i am going to try. believe it or not i do love my kids, but i know this is the right thing to do.
suze,
you commented in “trapped” and said a doctor remarking your journaling in notebook was useless, and you threw your nootbook across the room as a response.
Then questions came to my head. “Were the doctors so lousy in treating you ? Even one said your case was like a shattered mirror never could be the same. Was it the same doctor ? Or did you take the doctors words as divine. Did you just take it seriously of people words ? Was any of your relative in the medical field reflecting a kind of image of hate to you ? Were you just bottling emotions too much, instead of facing it directly, you would let it out in times of uncontrolled explosions ? Or just simply you rest your effort of struggle totally in the hands of doctors ?”
Just some thoughts of mine sharing with you.
Besides, I think your left brain is functioning quite well according to your logic in writing.
when you are in the psych ward you are treated by a bunch of different doctors. some are students sitting in, some are 4th yr and a few are attendings. the comments made were by different doctors. a few were somewhat helpful. the psychiatrist i see outside the hospital is wonderful, full of hope always telling me i can get better, ( i think it is wishful thinking on his part.) he has never given up on me though i have given him plenty of chances. i even tried to fire him a time or two, but he refused and said he was fired when he decides. he is a specialist in d.i.d. and although i don’t take his word as gospel he is the only person in this world i trust. he actually saved my life 3 wks ago. at his office one of my alters came out and told him what i had planned for that afternoon and he came down to my car and had her give him the meds and knife i had. not too many doctors do that. as for bottling my emotions the answer is no. my personality is say what you feel when you feel it. do what you want when you want. do i care what others think? not really. my alters have other opinions. they are each different. as i said before- i do not wish this disorder on anyone. it is very hard to deal with.