I am done

  March 16th, 2010 by suze

I am tired. i was diagnosed with D.I.D. a few years ago. my childhood was not fun. i was beaten and molested while i was growing up. i am seeing a wonderful psychiatrist and was seeing a therapist for awhile. after a year and a half my therapist told me he didn’t want me as a client anymore because i was overwhelming him. he said he was relieved i wasn’t going to be his responsibility anymore. that hurt more than i can describe. i trusted him, and he said from the beginning he was going to stay by my side and help me through this. when i spoke to him 3 weeks later he told me his quality of life had greatly improved since our sessions stopped. how do you get passed the thought that you scared off a therapist. my psychiatrist has stayed with me but i get the feeling he is getting tired of me also. i have tried to suicide 3 times in the last 4 yrs. this time i know it will work. no one seems to understand how much pain i am in, emotionally or physically. i just want it over with. my husband and kids are wonderful but it hurts when they keep asking who they are talking to. i know they will be hurt when i go, but i AM going. they will be sad and angry and i know they will never get over it, but they will get through it. i have my plan. i know when, how and where. this time i am not saying goodbye to anyone. no notes, no phone calls, nothing. i thought i would be scared but i am actually relieved. i have given myself one wk to get everything in order. a list of things for my husband to know, like what bills to pay when, when the kids doctors appointments are, who to give some of my things to and what to do with the rest. i will miss everyone but i will finally be at peace. i know that sounds selfish, but don’t we all need to be selfish once in our lives. i am not writing this to make people think that suicide is the only way out. but it is a choice. it is my choice.

Processing your request, Please wait....