im such a failure what do i do now???

28/12/09

Right well where do I start, I want to apologise to you all for what I did I’m sorry for hurting you all but I’m not sorry for doing it and I really cant promise that I wont do it again, at the moment its all I can think about I really don’t want to be here and I don’t mean that as being stuck in hospital I mean that as in I don’t want to be alive anymore. I’ve been feeling like this  for so long now and I know nothing is going to stop me feeling this way no doctors no tablets no nothing, nothing anybody says is going to change anything. I know you all think I’m selfish for doing what I did but I did it for the right reasons and you would all be fine without me. I feel a failure for not even being able to kill myself properly not only did I fail this time I failed last time too which makes me feel gutted I just wish I could be left alone to do what I want. Everyone thinks they know why I did it but in all honesty nobody really knows anything, Catie is a big part of why I did it I still see her face everyday and working at alpha doesn’t make it any easier but being there makes me believe I’m a little bit closer to where she is now . I know some of you think Owen is partly a reason as to why I did it, but that’s not true at all he is the reason I didn’t do it months ago, having him back in my life for the past 8 months seem to have made me want to live a little bit more he makes me happy he always will. Its to hard to explain how I feel and why I did what I did as I know nobody will understand, I don’t want to talk to anyone about it either because I don’t want people telling me how I should feel and what I should do about it because that will only make me worse and I know this is going to sound bad but I will succeed eventually and that’s when I will be happy, I’m not doing this to hurt anyone I just want to be happy. I love my family and friends so much so of course I feel guilty for still wanting to do this I could see the disappointment in mum and dads faces today and I thought that maybe that would make me change my mind but it didn’t, in a way I wish it did but like I said nothing is going to change the way I’m feeling I’m a big mess and you would all be better off without me. I really do hope that one day you will all see how unhappy I am in this world, I know it doesn’t always look as if I’m down but that’s because I’ve learnt how to hide it and I think I do it pretty well because even my closest friends don’t realise what I’m doing. What I did yesterday wasn’t something that I thought about on the spot I knew when I woke up that morning that I was going to do it, its become something that I think about all the time its the first thing I think of in the morning and when I’m laying in bed at night I’m thinking of how to do it. I know you’re all going to think I’m crazy but I’m not I’m just not happy here, I really don’t think I have ever been happy but I don’t know why.
I know that most of you are not going to be able to understand why I feel I need to do this to myself but its something that my heart and head is telling me to do and even if I do a list of pros and cons in my life the cons always seem to win its mad I know but it all does make sense to me which is why I need to do it.  I don’t want anyone to think that it’s their fault that I did this and I don’t want people putting the blame on to others because its nobodies fault but my own it’s what I want. I know I said I don’t want help from anyone but I’m willing to give it a go because it’s all I’ve heard for the last few days but I am warning you all that I KNOW it is not going to make anything easier for me and it will probably make me more determined to kill myself. I really am gutted that I’ve got this chance to try and explain this to you all and I know how selfish that makes me sound but it would have been a lot easier if what I did had worked, like I said at the start nobody really knows what is going on with me, people do know bits and bobs but not one person knows everything and to be honest I don’t even think my head knows everything if that makes sense at all. Ok maybe I am slightly crazy.
01.02.2010
Well it seems to be back to how I was over Christmas, I really hate feeling like this  but I don’t know how to stop it, all I know is I really don’t want to be here anymore. Over the last month I seem to have hidden my feelings well from Lindsay although some days she did pick up on them. I don’t think anyone is ever going to understand me I’m just not happy for so many reasons and I just really think it’s time for me to go, everyday I sit and think about things and the reason why I haven’t tried to kill myself again and what’s stopped me from doing it and the only reason I can think of is my family and friends but now I’m again at the point of thinking why should I let that stop me I need to do this for me I really don’t want to be living a life of pure misery anymore. I’ve planned to do it again today for the reason that I just can’t cope with anything anymore and really feel the need to go. I think Lindsay may know that I’m feeling pretty crap again today as when I spoke to her this morning she kept on asking if I was ok I hate lying to her but I don’t want people to feel that they need to look after me I just really don’t want any help I just want to go.  Well my little plan went a bit wrong today I was ready to do it then I get a text from Lindsay asking if I was ok which meant I knew she knew something was wrong. God I get so pissed off I just want to do what I want and not have to lie about it, things would be so much easier if I could just get on with what I want to do. It’s time to put my mask back on and not let ANYONE see what’s going on inside and that way I’ll be able to do what I want and finally be happy. I just really wish I had succeeded the first time at least then I would be happy.
16.02.10
Well I’ve hidden it well today I told them I was feeling much better which I guess isn’t a lie as I am feeling better than I have been over the last few days but that doesn’t change anything I still don’t want to be here I do still want to die and I do think that I will succeed in the end which will make me feel so much better not being here. I honestly don’t know why I feel like this and the more people keep asking me why the more angry I get inside because if I knew why I was feeling like this I would try and stop it. Today is the day I start taking the tablets they want me to I don’t think they will work but I guess its worth a try but I hate the thought that if they don’t work then I’m back to square one all over again I really cant see how some tablets are goig to make me feel happy and change how im feeling but I guess only time will tell.

26.02.10
Am feeling really bad again today but am hiding it well although I feel as though I could burst into tears at any point which would give it away, have spent most the day sat in the bedroom watching tv just so that I could avoid everything and everyone. I haven’t felt this bad for at least a week I really am thinking of taking another over dose but mum has hidden all the tablets in the house have also been thinking of hanging myself but when I think of that I then start to feel guilty about the person that was to find me so im guessing the over dose is the best thing the only problem is the 2 previous times ive done it it never worked and I did take a lot of pills so how many am I meant to take?? Ive looked on the internet and every site says you only need to take 30-40 paracetamol but I took a hell of a lot more than that both times b4 so why the hell didn’t it work. I really don’t want to be here anymore so it better work this time otherwise im going to have to find another way to do it. A few weeks ago I thought maybe I was going to get the help that I need but it doesn’t seem to be like that at all, when the lady from bridgewell house came to see me I thought things were going to change but nope nothing at all the lady said people were going to come and see me everyday but they only came once so I guess they think I don’t need help so there really is no point in me taking the tablets they told me to.  I need to kill myself before Tuesday because I really don’t think im going to be able to cope as its going to be 2 years since catie died I hate that I still think of her everyday because everyone else seems to have got on with there lives so why cant I. Mothers day is coming up too which I hate its supposed to be a day for my mum but all I think about is Catie which makes me feel so guilty mothers day will never be the same anymore maybe if it didn’t happen on mothers day things would be different and I would be able to think of nobody else but my mum.  I just wish I was able to tell people that im sad and that I need a hug every now and then but even that makes me feel guilty for wanting some help and im scared of people telling me im being silly. Mum and dad have just gone out so ive got the perfect opportunity to do it now but now all I can think is aaron will come home and find me god this is mad I cant even plan on killing myself properly im such a failure.