Just at the end

It has been almost 10 years. 1O extremely long years since the world ended for her and for me. Growing up I never had many friends everyone would think that I was weird and I was too much of a guy because I have 4 brothers and well I would always have more guy friends then chick friends (till this day all my best friends are guys maybe 2 chicks that are cool and not dramatic).  Girls never wanted to be my friends except to date one of my friends or brothers. All in all I would always be alone. The only thing that brings peace to my mind is being with my thoughts, my books and music. Growing up with no mother a father who worked too much just to support us and love us with all his might even though him and I would hardly talk except to talk about what needed to be done. He tried but he just doesn’t know what say, and give me money to shut me up or make me happy I would always give it away or rip it in front of his face…Now that I am older I see what he tried to do…But I was just stuck in hating him for not being there when I needed him what a father needs to do to protect his daughter. My mother announced herself crazy when I was 5years old. I had my baby brother who was 9months old sick all the time, my older half brother in and out of jail always high and in his gang, My older half sister always busy with work and school (they are 11years old then me). My father thought that it would be a good idea to move closer with his sister (which she hates me till the day) and also because Grandma and Grandpa are also there the help…My aunt had 4 kids and well we were 6….Typical Hispanic family. So since everyone was always busy it was always my job and responsibility to take care of my 3 younger brothers make sure they eat they are clean and do there homework…and also take care of my baby brother because everyone was too busy …with my aunts kids and Dad always working and well it was my responsibility to take care of them I had no idea what I was doing I was 5years old but I did it. Then my sister dropped out of school and she has been like my mother. My sister was at home during the day and worked nights we had an uncle Grandmas brother who would take care of us….And for almost a year he abused me in every single way, physically and emotionally. I tried telling my older brother because I knew that he will take care of the situation…But the words never came out. Night after night I would lock the door I would hide, get my younger brothers to sleep in my room but that never stopped him…..I got a really bad infection I couldn’t go to the bathroom I told my sister my Dad took me to the Doctor. Doctor looked at me took my Dad outside and asked him if he is abusing me. My Dad busted in tears and said “I love my children I will never touch them I’ve spanked them(man did I deserve it did I have a mouth and a temper) , but I have never touched them” A very nice nurse came and asked me some questions. I told her I couldn’t say anything because I know he will find out and he will kill me…Finally I spoke and I told her how he would put a knife and would say if I say anything he will kill me. My older brother found it and he took care of him just as I thought he would. I hate myself for always staying silent. I told my Grandmother she slapped me and said how dare I make up a lie. I hated them for not believing me. Especially not protecting me and being so blind. Then the silence started….My really cool nice uncles found out and asked me and I just said yes its true. My sister slapped me and said that is just something that we will never talk about and its meant to stay in silence. So I was 8years old when I got sent to therapy, It was my first suicide attempt. I hated life and my aunt and Grandmother for giving me a responsibility that is not Even done in the United States. I would try to explain to them this is not Mexico, but is like screaming to the sky. I just got over it and did what made everyone happy stay quit and just assume my responsibilities. So many nights with no sleep waiting for day light to come watching the worls sleep….Always moving no friends just my brothers and there friends. I was in 7^th grade and Ive already had 4 suicide attempts under my belt….Seeing therapist after therapist. It was so easy to read them and get in there mind it was more of a pleasure I already knew what they were going to say and ask, wear how they position themselves made me sick sometimes them trying to figure me out…And I just being as clear as I can be. “You have the file read it! its simple why I do the things I do why I say the things I say….There is nothing more…My brain is fine….I am not crazy.” They just didn’t get it and there was nothing to say….I would talk about whatever popped in my mind and they would get frustrated because they felt that I didn’t trust them, and I was playing mind games, They knew I was very smart. And ummm yeah me talking it’s a trust…But whatever. Anyways 7^th grade I made a friend. A real friend she was awesome always made a room light up and a pothead from hell…..We were both the same age and we had many things in common like we both hated life and everyone in our life has always been a disappointment in some way…We made a packed that we would commit suicide same day same time….We did a lot of stupid things together but we would manage to have straight A’s we knew how the system worked. We were very different people however the attempts to take our life is something that we shared very deeply. I could talk to her….About anything. We were also involved in school volunteer work we did a lot of good and also a lot of bad. But we knew how the system worked and how our therapist would get off out back. 7^th grade was over 8^th grade came not even 3 weeks that school started she took her life. I was the first to find out…I called to get some answers for Homework and her brother told me how she took her life and also that the ambulance took her 10min ago. I was in a daze I couldn’t believe it I told my dad and all he did was put on his shoes told me not to forget to clean up and left to work. It was not real we were together a few hours before and we spent the weekend in the Science fair at the Nasa. As the next day came it got confirmed, 4 days later they announced it in the intercom at school, I was on suicidal watch I tried to take my life multiple times. I couldn’t go to her funeral now I wish I did. The thing is I knew step by step she had told me 2 days before and said she was going to to do it after school. Its been 10years and I still cant forgive myself from losing her. Also for not being able to be there when she needed someone. What she left behind is a family who grieves for her soul friends who miss her…And then there’s me. The one who could of done something at least one more day. She made her choice and that is something that for 10years I carry with me. I go to her grave and just be there for hours when I am in town and just apologize for not being a true friend so many times through out the years how I wish it was me, how I whished no one would of stop me the only thing I have left from her is a few pictures that are beat up and the memories and the only people who remember her is her family and me…Years go by I finish high school get accepted to the University On my way to successes I try multiple times to take my own life. I fell in love with someone, Ive always had guys and girls who have fallen inlove with me and to me they have always  been one more one less. It was like no point they would bore me….But he who I love was different in every way and also weird but really down to earth and head on his shoulders. I got pregnant and turns out it was an Atopic Pregnancy…I loose my babies I aborted because with any Atopic Pregnancies the percentages that would survive is very very low, they were growing to fast I almost died. Because of certain circumstances meaning political and religious wise our relationship couldn’t be. So I did the best thing that I could do. His best friend is now my best friend and I hear he is getting married with a woman his family chose for him…I am truly happy for him..and she seems nice (yes I met her…I know I am weird) …I seriously do not know how I am still alive. It has been 4years since my last attempt I should have been dead, a close friend found me and took me to the hospital….I do not know how I manage to finish school have a job and keep going. I am only 23 years old and my life is just starting I look back and see the hell that I have lived and all I have left are some pictures and scars to remind me that it was not a nightmare….That night that my friend found me and took me to the hospital to save me, The only person that kept coming in my mind was her…Then I realized how much pain, deception and so much sorrow she left and looking at my friend driving telling me to hold on don’t go yet! I honestly do not want to be so selfish….and leaving everyone like she left us…That is selfish in so many ways I don’t want to be that person. I am better then that. I carry 3 lives on my shoulders 3 lives that were in my hands. Now they are gone. People say personal experiences help people who are in horrible place. I have been in that dark corner sitting alone crying alone so many times feeling like nothing matters, and I have no one that understands and seeing my friends wanting to help and giving that empty look not knowing what to say understand or even be there and not say anything! Ive lost a mother my innocence my childhood a friend a brother (my cousin who I grew up with which I like to call my brother got killed in a accident he was just as my older brother) my babies, the only person that I have loved and still love. I am standing on my own 2 feet I have 2 great jobs helping people I am still trying to figure out how the world works. And I am not going to lie its so scary But Ive walked through the gates of hell and now all I have to say is hit me with your best shot but when you hit me make sure I stay down because looks like I always come up….I hope that this gives encouragement to those of you who are thinking about taking your life…At the moment nothing may matter but there is always something does and will….I have lost many people and also myself many times but Please don’t this to the one’s who are around you they do not know any better. Life is actually not that bad….Anything is possible including happiness if we are willing to fight for it. Okay this is long enough

Moonlightmoon