Messed up

  March 15th, 2010 by foamy33

Well I guess I have messed up alot during my life. Im 22 years old and live at home with my parents life is so so. I have friends and a family who love me but according to my friends I am too gullible and too nice for my own good I try my best to do everything for them but it just ends up backfireing on me. Like I know alot of people who constantly talk about eachother behind their backs and I listen to what they have to say and then they tell me not to tell anyone about what they have said. Then the person who has had people talk about them behind their back comes to me and says what have they been saying. I want to tell them everything but if I do that would make me backstabbing the other persons trust and vice versa. The people who I hang around with who I call friends are there when I need them but its never enough if I dont do everything I can for them then I am a horrible person. Just like tonight my friend was ment to have a birthday gathering in my parents house but now she cant really have as many people as what she wanted. So now I have ruined her birthday and I am getting called a horrible person and basically the worst person alive. She is in a position where alot of my friends dont like her but I am still her friend I try to do everything for her but then I have my other friends saying I am wraped around her finger she is a *****. Then i have her saying im getting manipulated threw my other friends and I get caught in the middle. I have done mistakes to both sides which I have appologized for multipule times but its never enough. I am always constantly reminded how I am a failure as a friend and that I am a lier and a twat but the only things I ever lie about is just how much people say about other people. So in a way I try my best to keep people happy and keep everything flowing normally but by not telling the people what other people are saying behind their backs then thats me betraying them. I am constantly depressed with everything that is going on around me I am in a job I hate and I am confused alot of the time with everything when I say to one of my friends I dont remember what they said I get called a lier and they think im bullshitting them. I have tried to take an overdose before in the past I got really heavily sick and people just think I had taken ill so nobody knows what I did except for one person and they never have asked about when it was or why. I just feel like i have messed up my life complatly and I think about death all the time and now with whats going on I just dont see the point in anything anymore. I look back on everything I have ever done and nothing ever seems like its been good enough for people and when it has been good I just mess up so then people end up angry at me again I dont mean to make the wrong choices but somehow I do. I know people would be better off without me because that way they wouldnt have the disapointment they get from me. Here I just think I am rambeling and im sure people probibly think im goin off on one or just think shut up complaining thats why I dont tell anyone who I know because they would just say oh god shut up or say dont be depressed there are worse things going on. I know there are worse people off than me but sometimes I think whats the point. Im sorry for rambeling but I just cant take this life anymore.

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