No more future

I suppose I’m writing this down as a way of trying to understand the situation but to be honest I doubt I will

The pain is immense, I can’t go on I scream at GOD and ask why? But there is no answer. I can’t go on living, feeling what I feel. The torment is eating me alive, I am dying inside, just as I found hope, it was snatched away from me. Whilst writing this I can no longer envision a future, I no longer have hope, everything has been taken from me. From my fiancée, to my daughter and my unborn children, my life has reached an impasse.  It’s a make or break time and I feel completely broken. I’m staring into an abyss and this time there is no light at the end.

 I am both physically and mentally traumatised. As a teenager I lost my girlfriend and unborn child in an accident…That day I shut off from the world, I didn’t; no couldn’t speak with anyone because I didn’t understand why the accident happened, I tried to find some kind of justification but couldn’t. I wasn’t prepared for the death of a person I loved.

I stopped interacting with people as it was the only way I could survive. I went into shock, I couldn’t communicate and the world had become a dark and lonely place.

It seemed that death just followed me after that, I lost several close friends over the years (11) and with each lost, I refused to grieve. I continued to grow more detached so much so that by the time my father died I did not attend his funeral or react in any way at his passing.

 Several years after my fiancé’s death I worked hard & travelled a lot, barely resting, I became seriously ill. Days away from death I was admitted to hospital with Tuberculosis, coupled with bronchial pneumonia. I had a 6 month stay in hospital which I came close to death again, both through the illness and my own hand. (I tried to commit suicide)

 I survived but was angry; I questioned my place in the universe, what made me so special when others around me were dropping like flies.

After returning from hospital my body was broken. Losing half my body weight, my muscles atrophied through lack of use, my breathing became impaired and I was so weak it would take me an hour to climb a single flight of stairs…

 I began to feel hate, the only emotion I seemed to be able to access and I could only direct it one way; at myself…

I was not the same person anymore; I tried with little success to rebuild my life, physically I wasn’t the same person, so I had to quit a potentially promising sporting career.

 I later found out that the drugs administered to keep me alive in hospital would also affect me later in life; I’ll get to that a bit later.

 Whilst recovering I started to become drug dependant on the painkillers I was taking and for the next few years I was an addict.

 I started dating again, but unfortunately I was damaged goods and each relationship seemed to fall apart quite quickly, generally through my own selfish behaviour, brought on by earlier traumas.

At this time I should add I had a son from a one night stand when I was 18, I have met my son twice since his birth, unfortunately the mother decided against any further visitation. She had met someone else.

 I finally ended up in a stable relationship with a  Asian Muslim woman; we dated for about 7 years, (I thought I was in love) and in that time she wouldn’t commit to me because of family and religion, she was afraid, so much so that she selfishly aborted our unborn child, 6 months after losing our twins, through miscarriage.

 At this point nothing made any sense to me anymore, I wanted to die when I found out what she had done, but to cope, I had conveniently buried the memory of that event, denying it happened until recently. (Brought to the surface through therapy)

I then met a Greek girl, who I had a child with and yet again another relationship was doomed to fail.

Her father was a man of the church but also a racist. He decided that his daughter and mine were better off in another country.

They left and other than a few of occasions, I have not seen my daughter since, I still am looking.

 By now my body now was beginning to show signs of the drug abuse and the drug cocktail administered to me during my hospital stay.

 I was diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy (nerve disorder); except no-one bothered to tell me, so I was in agony 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year. My physical pain was all encompassing but I didn’t know why, so I just lived with it.

I also contracted prostate cancer, fortunately it was caught in time and I have made a full recovery…

 So now I was on the edge suicidal thoughts constantly in my head, then I met an angel, she was (is) beautiful, funny, intelligent, sexy but unfortunately Greek, which meant I would automatically go on the defensive, without a conscious thought.

 Unbeknownst to her, she saved my life. I fell head over heels with this person, but again my messed up personality was already plotting this relationships downfall. I would constantly berate her over her family’s continued involvement in our relationship. Why? Because I needed validation, I needed someone to want me and not let someone interfere with the relationship. My whole life was a series of other people disrupting it. So I grew more and more resentful.

 Now during this stormy period I had lost my Dad to cancer, I had been admitted to hospital for kidney dysfunction (had bled internally) Visited a psychologist for depression and suicidal thoughts. It helped a little.

 I continued to mess up though, wanting her to be wife and to have our children but still continued to create problems. I was a paradox because I was fighting with myself to love her, trying hard (but failing) not to distance myself from her or mistreat her. Eventually I committed the ultimate sin and slept with someone else…Because I wanted to ruin her and our relationship and prove her family right. (Because that was what was expected of me)

So, she found out but the strangest thing happened, usually I would just walk but this time the walls I put up around myself came tumbling down, for the first time since I can remember I felt true emotion, I felt the pain over my treatment of my beautiful angel as well as an unbelievable sense of what I can only describe as total love for her, I did not want to be without her, I have lost girls in the past and had always moved on quickly.

 Not this time.

 With her I could only envision staying together having a family, which  I had always  dreamed of and for a short time I thought it was on the cards until now…

 She doesn’t want me. All theses years of searching through emotional and physical pain and finally I found what I was looking for and the punch line is “I can’t be with her” It’s enough for someone to stop believing in a God.

 So I have, (I think) because I can’t believe in something so cruel and twisted. It happened when I was a teenager (I lost my innocence) and it is happening again now, except I committed the error this time.

 So there you have it my reasons for wanting to end up life, sounds pathetic but I don’t see a way out of the pain.

I don’t sleep because I’m afraid to dream, I hate being awake because my mind plays tricks on me, it’s a vicious circle.

 I can’t talk to anyone because no-one understands.

 I only want to talk with the one person, who would make this suffering all worth while,

but she’s afraid of me, not because I would abuse her physically but I have caused her so much heartache.

 And she thinks I would do so again.

Now she has found someone new, so I ask you again, why should I continue? The pain in my heart has become unbearable, the physical pain brought on by the neuropathy is increasing exponentially (pain killers don’t work) and mentally I’m all over the place because my emotions are on a rollercoaster.

 So I’m back to the beginning; the pain is immense, I’m not sure I have the strength to go on.

I wish someone would hear me.