im 21 years old and i have tryed to kill myself alot (pills)(mixing pills with alc) hanging myself) ….. the resone i try is becuse i fell deaply in love with a girl that i have known all my life we were in 1st grade together and became friends well we fell in love and i did everything just to make her happy i moved out of a 3.5mill house sold a 15gcar and moved in with my other friend shering a room with 2 men the room was no bigger then a van or a small buss vary small but i dident cair i just wanted to be closer to her. well things start happinging and i fell even more in love i broght her to the fair and asked her to marry me on top of the faris weel infront of thousends and thousends of people (she said yes and was super happy) well 6 mounths later as we are planing the wedding i started seeing things she had a (friend)as she would say come over when i wasent there and not tell me he was there… well i called her out on it and we broke up. she said all she did was love me but how can you love some one and then go behind there back… well any way this sent me down a even worse path.. trying to kill myself agian like i did in the past.. well i tryed to drive me car off a cliff …(didnet work) i drink 2 bottles of vodka and took alot of sleeping pills.. that dident work eather (but i did have a fucken hang over from hell) so i found out that a week after we broke up she started dateing this same guy so i lost it agian this time it was bad i cut my rist and drank a bottle of E&J and i took 1 bottle of vicodin plus 1 bottle of soma ) and was taken to the hospital when a friend found me. i servived sadly ) im trying to move on but every girl i get with is just not the same i feel like i will never get her out of my head i cant sleep or even eat i just thow up i get panic attacks day after day now and i just think death will be the best way… but for some F up resone i cant die… so i came to relize that this is my own personal HELL… and God wont let me leave.. so im trying to stay alive day by day but every day i still think about killing myself… what should i do????
3 comments
You’re only 21, you still have your whole life ahead of you. <3
You can get swept away upon one path. You can focus everything upon one thing only to find that it wasn’t what you thought it was. You have a Romantic mind, (I bet you’re mother was a wonderful woman) but this girl wasn’t ever going to live up to the memories that you wanted her to. The same with killing yourself. You might focus upon it as a way out but you are missing the point, that she wasn’t the one. and death isn’t the answer and focusing upon one thing to the point that you can’t see past it is what is destroying you. It’s hard but you have to force yourself to look away from that girl and from killing yourself. Don’t look for a girl to replace the one you lost, look for someone who makes you happy. Don’t look at death as a way to end your pain see it as a reason to beat the pain and live before you have to die. You can’t control the world, in life or in death but you can decide in which way you will ride it. I’m pleased that you are invincible and i’m sure that you will meet someone who makes you feel at ease, who you can trust and love and who can allow you to be the man that you should be. Good luck my friend.
I read your post and I what you’ve gone through in your life is somewhat similar to mine. I’ve been in a five year on and off again relationship with my first love, whereas Im his first love. I met him when I was 16 and now Im 21, also. When we first met, we started off as friends for a brief time and then we grew really close together, so we decided to be in a relationship. We had our good and bad times through out the time we’ve known each other but we had a deep connection with each other. We spent almost everyday together besides the fact we were in a relationship, I felt like we were best friends. About two years ago, we started drifting off even though see still saw each other quite a bit. He started hanging out with his guy friends more and even another girl, which I sensed was not a good idea. Furthermore, several people told me to watch out for this particular girl because she has a history of decieving people. I did not want any problems, seem jealous, or controlling so I accepted them being friends. She was married with a child and she told us she really loved her husband. We went on double dates. She told me the first day I met her, she thought we could be best friends, which seemed a little sketchy to me.
I knew she had problems and one day, she was drugged up on pills and tried to get with me. I realized then she had to many problems so I stopped hanging out after that incident. A couple months later, I recieved a call early in the morning and it was her. She admitted to me she slept with my boyfriend at the time and described it to me in detail. At first I was speechless and then I felt fearful but I told her I did not believe her and I told her to never call me again. I had so many emotions going through me, like anger and sadness. I talked to my boyfriend at the time about it and he denied it, even when I asked him constantly. There was no proof and I felt less trust for him, but I decided to believe him because he seemed sincere by his facial expression and how he sounded. However, he admitted to me when we broke up he did cheat on me. He not only hurt me but also his best friend, because she was his exgirlfriend. That’s when I realized our relationship would not be the same. We continued the relationship for six more months, even though it was still rocky at times. Close to the end of the relationship, he started telling me he wanted to hang out with his friends rather than more, so I started going to clubs with my friends. I felt in my mind he was cheating so I had ideas to cheat. I ended up kissing two guys while I was intoxicated during the club scene and the one of the worst events in my life occured on Valentine’s Day. We got into an argument the night before because he was telling me he wanted to experience being with other women since I was his only girlfriend. I hurt me to hear that, and it made me feel insecure about myself. He told me he did not want to see me on Valentine’s Day because he was going out to a club with his friends. I was really depressed that day so I took sleeping pills so I would not have to be awake for the day. Well, he called me that evening, and told me he wanted to take me to the movies. It was unexpected because earlier he had his mind set for the day. I felt relieved when he picked me up and we went out to the movies. The dated seemed good but he still told me he was going to the bar with his friends. I was fine with it and then my friend texted me and asked if I would go to club with her so I agreed. I did not expect him to call me but he did and I didn’t want to lie so I told him I went out with my friends. He was so angry and broke up with me over the phone. I felt horrible and ended up having a miserable night. I even took a taxi to the bar he went to but he wasn’t there and I tried calling but he did not answer. I eventually found out he didn’t even stay there for 15 min bc he was not having a good time. I went home and felt so low. The next week I went to his job and tried talking to him but he did not want to see me at all and he told me to never talk to him again. I felt like it completely over and I felt one of the weakest point of my life. I did not want to live with out him bc I was deeply in love, so I felt very suicidal. I went to the store and bought sleeping pills and took about 13 of them because I really wanted to end the pain. I have my family and friends but he was the one person who I had the strongest connection with. I was unsuccessful with the suicide attempt but I did get sick a lot and felt very weak and sweaty. Its scary and sad at the time I was feeling that way. A couple weeks later, I heard from him and he told me he was changing his life and wanted to get involved with religion and he wanted to try to do the right things. He tried for several months, but ultimately he was unsucessful because he went back to the party life. For the 10 months we were broken up, we only saw each other about 3 times and we talked once in awhile. I spent times with friends when I felt okay, but it was hard at times because I felt miserable about what happened. I tried to move on even though I still hoped maybe one day we would be in a relationship again. I dated several guys, which did not work out, but in the last summer, I met a guy who was really interested in me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to spend time with him even though he was a nice guy, but then I did. We saw each other about twice a week and he eventually,developed strong feelings for me. After some time passed, he told me he was falling in love with me but I did not feel the same way. I enjoyed spending time with him for the most part but I could not be in a relationship with him. Even though he was really respectable, I missed my exboyfriend so much. I felt like I could talk to him about anything and not get judged but it was not the same as what I had before. He asked me out several times and I felt bad about it, but I could not go through with it. I just could not move on from my exboyfriend. Back in September, my exboyfriend kept contacting me and he wanted to spend time with me. We started out as friends, but then the feelings came back. I stopped talking to the guy who I spent the summer with so I could try to improve the rekindled relationship. We were really close in the beginning and I was happy again. We spent time with couples we used to spend time with and we had really enjoyable times. I saw we were making an effort to make it work. We discussed living together and getting married. However, this past month, has been an emotional rollercoaster. It was my good friend’s 21 b-day party and I really wanted to be there for her. Since I haven’t gone to clubs in months and it would be a one time thing experience, I really wanted to go. I told him about it but he was against it.
He said it would be over if I went so I wasn’t going to. Towards the end, I told him I really wanted to go, so he said just get it over with, bc he felt I lied about what I said. I ended up going, and he flipped it on me by breaking up with me for a week. We were together again, but that’s when he blew me off and told me getting into the bar scene and he loved it, even though in the past he did not enjoy that scene. It felt hypocritical to me. Recently, we only seen each other once a week and a week ago we decided to just remain friends. I realized his fears, insecurities and jealously made him want this. I told him so many times how we should see each other more, because its drifting us apart but he doesn’t seem to care which makes me feel worthless. Yesterday, we talked about seeing each other today and we had a good conversation. I felt so excited because we didn’t see each other for a week. However, today he called me and told even though we’re friends, he wants nothing to do with me bc he found I recently started talking to the guy I spent last summer with. I thought it was so messed up because he told me he was going to hang out with other girls and I did not get upset bc I understand he wants freedom in his life for now. We made an agreement we would remain close friends and not discuss what happens with other people. My happiness from earlier today turned into severe depression. I went to his job, and it reminded me of the time from a year and 1/2 ago. He was angry and did not want to see me so I felt empty and got feelings of giving up because I made a vow I would not go through this a second time. I was unsuccessful with the suicidal attempt last time and it feels like when I take risky chances this hell will not end. I try to so hard to not have problems with him but it seems like whatever I do is not good enough. People have told me I can do better, but its so hard to find anyone like a connection I had and when I try to move on, I can’t. The one thing I want is love and respect from the person I love but it seems like it wouldn’t happen bc he tries to find flaws in me to put me down. He’s not an angel, but I forgive him for things he has done. Even though, we broke up a couple times, I feel like its the end for real and I don’t think we will communicate anymore. Its a weak time now and I feel like I lost my true love. I really don’t know how much longer I have but I’d rather sleep and not think about anything.