Have been depressed for the most part of my teen life, and I thought i’d conquered it in adult life, but tiny things offset it now…
Am on H4, and hubby likes to restrict my freedom, he doesn’t know what it is to be a woman, and to be inside home all the time, he even once asked me why I keep the window blinds open in the day, as people from outside can see me inside.
Lack of sunlight, friends, laughter, the discipline, independence and self worth that comes with working, everything is driving me nuts.
Things seem fine, till he starts sulking, and I find I’m affected by his negativeness, I have no defense. The tears flow unfettered. Self worth becomes zero. Thoughts of suicide occur. What keeps me from doing it is that I’m unsure what awaits me when I do it, and if I’ll go through worse hell for my cowardice.
When I cry, I cant sleep, and I get a toothache and headache, I only take a tylenol.
I’d like to get sleeping pills, but I don’t, since I may be tempted to swallow them all.
I keep envisioning cutting myself, letting my body bleed to death in the tub, so there’s no mess for hubby to clean up, also leaving a note that no one is responsible for my death, and how my assets should be divided.
Person doesn’t realise what i’m going through, sometimes, even after he turns back to me, and hugs me, I can’t stop the tears, and he gets angry that I’m crying for no reason.
I can’t tell him how much I have been weakened, and the hell I am going through, I don’t think he’ll understand.
I wouldn’t tell my parents, cause I dont want to hurt them, and wouldn’t tell my in laws, cause they’ll put the blame on me.
Things are slightly better these days, when I pray and listen to a soothing devotional song, that goes like “I have no worries dear Lord”.
I hope things get better.